Ashes
by unheard screams
Summary: Dying alone doesn't seem so bad at first. You've come to expect it. That is, until something completely unexpected happens. YXK, completed.
1. 1

**Disclaimer-**Don't own it.

**Author's Note-** The POV switches from Kyo to Yuki, and sometimes others. I am now editing my previous chapters to improve quality.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes-**Chapter One**-Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

It's an anomalous feeling.

A constant tightness in my chest, an astringent hand that surrounds me in darkness. A ticking clock somewhere inside me is constantly screaming that time's almost up. Dizzying haze that wanes and waxes; the need to cry and yell and laugh and run away as long and as far as you can stand it. Acid that wells and bloats until you collapse and your mouth opens and everything comes up and out…

The cloak of darkness slides from his shoulders and falls in thick puddles at his feet.

The wind whispers away his words. I stare at the beads.

Red and white, blood and bone.

I imagine his words pouring like smoke out of his mouth, and the wind will blow it away, and I won't ever be able to hear it, no matter how hard I try.

* * *

Of course, I can't sleep. I can never sleep nowadays. I climb onto the icy shingles of the roof, the dappled moonlight shining down. I lay back and stare at her. She smiles gently as the wind ruffles my hair. It smells fresh and exhilarating. Cold air was always the best. It slips in and out of my lungs like silver mercury.

I loved being up on the roof. I guess what they say about cats loving high places are true. But truthfully, it was the only place I could relax. No Shigure or that damn rat or anyone to bother me. So now what? I close my eyes, breathing in the cool clean air and slowly drifting off to sleep.

"Kyo-kun? Are you up there?"

"Wake up, stupid cat, before you make us late."

Nothing could quite irritate me like Yuki's voice could. The perfectly monotonous tone that just screamed that he couldn't care less about anything, much less you, someone he hates. The way he would throw a well-placed verbal barb at you and the superiorly calm voice that went with it would echo in your head for hours afterward, keeping you awake.

I jolt awake at the icy tone of his voice, that voice that just pissed me off listening to it. My eyes snap open to see the sun shining brilliantly at the edge of the roof. I rub my eyes as I gaze at the vibrant beams of sun glinting through the trees, silhouetting them. I get up and clamber to edge. Peering down I see Tohru and Yuki looking up at me. Already I can feel the annoyance triggered by his voice automatically turning into real anger. I clench my hand and tell myself to calm down. I really didn't want Tohru to see my angry side all the time.

"Kyo-kun, are you coming?" Tohru asks. I look away, glaring at the ground.

"Just go." I answer.

"Are-are you sure?"

"_Yes_!"

"Alright, see you at school!" She turns and waves, jogging slightly to catch up to Yuki, who had already left. Yuki turns his head towards her and his tarnished silver hair glints and reflects sunlight in my eyes. I shade them and growl. Even his hair mocks me. At least his is slightly passable in public.

I watch both of their backs, feeling incredibly left out. I jump off the roof carefully and walk into the house before I can think of more ways why the rat is better than the cat.

* * *

I enter school premises only five minutes late. Only a few stragglers are left in the halls, late for who knows what.

In homeroom I dump my bag on my usual seat by the window, but I don't say anything to Tohru or her friends on the opposite side of the room. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I had already put up with enough bullshit for one day and I hadn't even made it to my first class!

As a few minutes pass and I notice people starting to glance at me. I frown harder. What's with the staring? I can't be left alone for once?

I sit at my desk, resting my head on one hand, irritation jumping in my stomach. We still have time before class starts, but I am unfortunately caught up with everything, for once, and have nothing to preoccupy me.

I sigh and notice a few people surround Tohru and her stupid friends. They ask her something and she shrugs in a worried manner. I flinch inwardly as all of their eyes turn toward me.

They won't look away. Their stares are the final straw, and they infuriate me, any patience I had left is obliterated. I stand up silently, and start walking towards them, my hands in my pockets. There is a lone desk in my way. I raise one leg and kick it, and it flips over violently several times before scraping loudly along the tile floor, a huge projectile until it smashes into the opposite wall.

The whole room jumps or gasps and goes deathly quiet.

"What the hell are you staring at?" I ask them quietly, but the anger in my voice is extremely loud. I stride towards the group, who in turn start to back away.

"I'm just minding my own damn business over there, so why are you looking at me? Is there something on my face?!" They shrink away and seek the comfort and warmth of their bodies pressed against another. I come close enough to distinguish them individually now, and I can see Hanajima starting to glare back at me, but I feel nothing, just more anger.

I hear a whimper and my eyes find Tohru; she wears a frightened, almost betrayed look, and her eyes are filled with unshed tears. My face falls. I slowly back up and move towards the door, only to run smack into that damn rat as he walks into the classroom. Oh joy, the Goddamn Princess Yuki is here to save the fucking day. I glare up at him from the floor, as he scans the scene in front of him with a frown. He looks back down, but I am already gone, running.

* * *

I watch as Uotani-san runs past me yelling something obscene. I don't worry. Kyo is known for his disappearing acts, so I doubt she could find him. Tohru is still shaking as she looks at me with anxious eyes.

"Honda-san, are you alright? Did someone say something about his hair again?" I stride over and make a move to grab her hand, but stop. Honda-san shakes her head, a solitary tear falling onto the ground.

"N-no…we…were staring at him, and we didn't mean anything by it, and we _were_ talking about him, but only because he was worrying us…and…he…he just exploded!" She swallows and glances up at my eyes.

"Please, Honda-san…don't cry." I say in a soft voice. It really bothers me when she cries. That stupid cat is going to pay for this. His anger issues are getting out of control.

"He got so angry…I'm just-I'm really worried about him." She chokes, more tears forming. I frown. Something tells me Tohru isn't as naïve as she appears, especially when it comes to Kyo.

* * *

I run, past the trees, trying to get rid of that painfully burning frustration, faster and faster until my legs feel as though they are on fire. I stumble slightly and my legs collapse suddenly, the momentum flinging me down to meet the cool damp soil. I bounce off the earth and land with my face in the dirt. I lie there breathing hard for several minutes, my eyes closed as I scream in my head.

Why do I _always_ take things out on her? She was innocent, always trying to help!

_Shit_. I clench my jaw. No matter how much people are kind to me I always screw it up. With Shishou, and now with Tohru. Even…even with mother. I open my eyes suddenly. No, that wasn't my fault. I've got to stop thinking it was my fault; I'm old enough now to know it wasn't!

And I think something I haven't thought in a very long time:

'I'm sorry.'

I slowly prop myself on my hands and knees, as I brush away the dirt that clings to my face. Everything is swelling and swirling inside me, my chest is about to burst. I bury my head in my hands, open my mouth, and bite down hard on the base of my palm.

I clench my jaw harder with every passing moment, the sting becoming bigger.

All I know is that the pain is starting to rule my senses. It comes in waves that make me forget. Forget everything, like it never existed. For one, shining moment, I can be someone, anyone else. This pain is my door.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter One-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	2. 2

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it.

**Author's Note-** Random Fact: My grandmother was a fighter jet pilot, but I didn't know until after she died! I would have loved to have asked her about it…

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Two-**Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Some days I make it through. And then there are nights that _never_ end.

* * *

I hear the front door slam, followed by Shigure's high-pitched shriek.

"Ha'a-saaaaaaaaaaaaan!" He yells. Great. What's Hatori doing here? I hear his deep serious voice carrying up the stairs, but I can't make it out. Then I hear footsteps. The door bangs open without even being knocked on. That is most definitely not Tohru.

I whip around and am shocked by the dark eyes and silver hair of Yuki. I stare at him without saying anything. Has he even been in my room before?

"What, no insults?" He comes grumpily. I remember my place.

"Up yours, damn rat! What the hell are you doing in my room?" I snarl.

"I'm not _in_ your room, stupid cat." He sighs in (probably faked) impatience. He's right. He's still in the hallway.

"Well, what the hell are you doing touching my door?" I screech at him.

"It's not your door, stupid cat. You don't own any part of this house." He states as though I am a child.

"What the hell do you want?"

"Hatori wants to see you." He says. No sarcasm or anything. Weird. But what's weirder is Hatori wanting to see me. What's that all about? I wait for Yuki to leave, but he stays in the doorway as though holding it open for me. What the hell?

I glare at him suspiciously as I begin to walk toward the door, and right as I get to it he slams it in my face, which is flattened. My face darkens. I hear him snort outside.

"Stupid cat." My eyes flash red.

"YOU DAMN RAT! I'LL KILL YOU!!" I scream as I kick the door down. But he's gone. I storm down the stairs angrily as I see Yuki there with his arms crossed.

I am about to yell when I catch sight of Hatori's face. The anger dissipates and I am left with nervousness.

"What…is this all about?" I ask. Hatori exhales, and the room seems eerily quiet. Where's Tohru when you need her?

"Akito whishes to speak with you." No nonsense. I feel Yuki tense. I never knew what exactly went on between Yuki and Akito, in Yuki's childhood, but I've always had the sense not to ask. But right now it's me he wants.

"What- come to the main house?!" I blurt out. Hatori bows his head shortly. Crap. What does Akito want with me? Hatori begins to walk out the door and beckons me to follow him. I walk past Shigure and Yuki, desperately wishing for someone to wish me luck. Where _is_ Tohru when you need her?

I sense something as I walk past Yuki. I know he must be feeling just a little for me, even if it's only because Akito terrified him when he was little. Going to the main house can't be good. But this doesn't change anything. We still have our hate to fulfill.

* * *

Walking through the Main House's large gates is alien and chilling. I've never been allowed inside except on New Years.

We walk through the halls, Hatori completely silent. I don't ask why I'm here. I furiously try and think back to see if I could have done anything to piss Akito off, but I come up blank. I'll admit it. I'm scared.

My walk through more halls until we reach some really, really fancy shoji. Hatori knocks gently.

"Akito, I have brought Kyo." Hatori says. I try to catch his eye, but he ignores me in a serious manner. But then again, he's always serious.

"Bring him in." I hear Akito's voice. Its chilling to hear it on the other side of this door. I try to quell my nervousness. Hatori pulls back the shoji and we walk in.

"Leave." Akito commands simply. Hatori bows slightly and exits, closing the shoji, leaving me.

I stand before him and stare at the floor.

"Please, come in," He is half-leaning on the window. His kimono hangs off him and shows his white thin bones. "I was just having a little chat with your father. He's… anxious, you see." He chuckles quietly. I clench my hands and teeth. I don't look at him. I don't want to see that malicious grin that he wears while playing with someone.

"Shigure tells me you've been fighting less with Yuki." He says suddenly. I give a small gasp.

"Don't tell me you've lain down your arms?"

"I haven't!" I yell, staring at the floor in a cold sweat, "I can still beat him! Just give me a little more time!"

He smirks and starts laughing. I hate begging to him. But I don't have a choice.

"Oh, Kyo, if only you could see yourself. You're absolutely _pathetic_. But," he plays with a strand of his ebony hair, "I suppose all monsters are."

I clench my jaw.

"Do look up at me." He says, in a sweet voice. He's teasing me. I suppress a growl.

"Look at me." The teasing stopped. I tilt my head slightly, glaring through my hair. My lack of respect is met with a kick. I feel my neck snap dangerously and my head slams against the cold ground. That bastard kicks me while I'm down. But I don't fight back…I can't fight God.

He grabs my hair and yanks my head up. For someone who's on the brink of death he's still strong.

"You think you're better than me, don't you? Well let me tell you, you're nothing but a low, disgusting monster! No one will ever love you! Not even that _girl_! She's afraid of you! She knows you are an beast, a _monster_, who can't be _controlled_!"

This hits a nerve. It's _not_ true. Tohru loves me for who I am. I know this. I smirk. _You wont win, Akito!_

Akito sees this and goes into a snarling rage. Just like child who won't get his way. He drives his fist into my ribs. Something twinges inside me, and I hack up blood, choking on it, suffocating. I raise myself on all fours and hold my throat, gasping for air.

He is kneeling on my arms, pinning me, punching my face. I couldn't fight back even if I wanted to. No one else fights back, no one ever has. There must be a reason. I'm _afraid_ of the unknown. I lie there like a rag doll.

Because that is the curse…

"Worthless cat! You don't even put up as much resistance as Yuki did! And this isn't anything compared to what I did to him!" My eyes narrow and I twist my arms from under him, then use my legs to throw him off. He skids across the ground. I scramble to all fours as I start to regret what I did.

"You're too weak," he struggles to catch his breath.

He slowly stands up, brushes off his kimono, and then laughs. He laughs and laughs for what seems like eternity. Then he says maliciously, with inane giggles in between, words that freeze my heart.

"The bet is off. I couldn't care less if you beat Yuki or not. From the day after your graduation you will be put in the cage." He then breaks out into more hysterics.

No…

No!

This…can't be happening. I glare at Akito with colossal hatred, watching as he continues to laugh. I shove him aside and stumble into the hall, where Hatori catches me before I fall.

He drags me out to the car where he pushes me in. Akito's laughter rings in my ears as he slams the door and drives away.

My sweaty hands grip the door handle as if I'm about to bolt. I'm still panting. I can't think.

"Kyo…" He starts.

"He's…not serious is he? He _can't_…" My voice threads.

"I'm…I'm afraid he is serious. There's…nothing we can do."

Anger. So much anger.

"Screw you, Hatori! That's bullshit and you know it! Why doesn't anyone stand up for me? Am I so worthless that I have to be locked up for no reason? Doesn't anyone in this place care even a _little_ about me? _Do I really deserve to be locked up?_"

He doesn't answer. He grips the wheel tighter, staring at the road. I am taken aback. Not even…he can lie. Even if it's just for now, he can't lie. I angrily try and rub away the pressure behind my eyes. Hatori looks really troubled. Good. I hope he dies.

We barely arrive at the house, and I rip open the car door and run blindly to the porch.

Yuki opens the door before I can get to it, and I see his eyes widen at my face. I shove him into the door as I run past, but he does not retaliate. He must know…he must understand. I rip up the stairs and into my room, rushing, tearing up the place until I find it. The silly thing that I picked up on a stupid whim, not thinking I'd go through with it. I see the silver reflection, the face that doesn't belong to me. It's bruised and bloody, a face of despair.

I jump out my window, and run. Blood flies from my mouth. I can't stop; I'm going too fast. So fast I can't see, can't hear, can't breath. I'm going to die.

I can't feel the knife even though I can clearly see it slicing open my skin and the blood covering my hands. I stab it into me. Harder and harder, trying so bad to erase, to distract, to make me forget. Even if it's only temporary. Even if it _is_ a lie.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Two-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	3. 3

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it.

**Author's Note-** This is my favorite story out of all the ones I have written.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes-**Chapter Three**-Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

I can't do it.

I can't let go of my lie.

_No…there were still things I had to do…so many…things…_

I think I went too deep. I'm breathing too hard; I can't get the air I desire. I gulp it down, but it doesn't reach my mind. I'm light headed; I can't stand up without falling to the ground. My vision blurs.

_No…_

_I…_

_I don't want…_

Panic starts to pulse through me, fogging my head with the instinctual urge to _live_.

_To die…_

_Not yet._

There's someone there, but I can't see, I can't care. I hear them murmuring in a deep, soothing voice.

/God has come to take me/ I think in my bloodless stupor. Before my head hits the ground, the last thing I see is a wisp of silver.

* * *

In all the movies when the star wakes up in the hospital bed, their eyes flutter open dramatically as they recognize family and friends surrounding them. But that's another lie.

I remember flashes of what I think was a hospital, white rooms, white people, a white bed. Whether it was blood loss or some kind of drugs, I stayed in a state of semi-consciousness the whole time. I couldn't tell how much time was passing, and I was really tired. I slept.

Finally I feel as though I can wake up. I try and open my eyes, but it feels like I'm bench-pressing 50 pounds with my eyelids. I finally get them open and try to rub them, but my arms won't move. I look at them, very creeped out. I thought that was _also_ only in the movies. I tried again. Still no response. What was going on?

Then I remembered. Am I dead? Well…I guess I'm not dead because I'm able to wonder if I am.

All I can see is the ceiling, a boring white ceiling, and glancing to the sides of me I recognize it as my room ceiling. Did I crawl back in here? No…I was in the hospital, wasn't I?

…Why the hell am I still alive? Argh!

I hear a shriek and see Tohru pop into my vision. I'm so exhausted I cant even jump in surprise. Her eyes are swollen and puffy, tears running everywhere, her hair a mess.

"K-Kyo-kun! Oh, Kyo-kun!" She sobs into her hands hysterically. Guilt floods me.

Crap. I really, really regret this. Now everyone is going to be _mongering_ over me.

She peeks out of her fingers and cries harder. I lift my arm, which feels like its about to break. White bandages are wrapped thickly around my wrists. I involuntarily flinch when I see them. Huge regret wells up in me. This was a really bad idea. I brush the hair from her eyes as she grasps my hand and tries to suppress her sobs. I crack a weak smile.

"H-Hey…your nose…is running." She tries and fails to grin. Her tears drip on my hand, but I'm not grossed out or anything. Someone is crying for _me_. Someone cares. Hatori and Akito are wrong. I manage a true smile.

"Kyo-kun…K-Kyo-o-kun, I'm so sorry!" She wails.

"What…for?"

"I know I m-made you…so angry…please, will you f-forgive me?" She pleads with those wide brown eyes.

"What? This…has nothing to do with you. None of t-this was your fault….it's…"

"What, Kyo-kun? P-please, I'll listen to you. I'll _always_ listen. No-no matter what happens, Kyo-kun, I'll listen, and I won't interrupt, or try and give advice! I…_I want us to be together_!"

My smile disappears. Stupid girl! Don't you think _I_ want to be with you to? I can't! I wont be in contact with another human being! I only have a year left…just one year!

"I'm…I'm sorry, Tohru." I take my hand from her grasp and look away. She clasps her hands together and stares at the floor.

"I just want…to make sure Kyo-kun will be okay. I don't want to…to wonder if you'll be alright, I…I want to make it better for you!" She claps her hand over her mouth.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I can't believe how incredibly selfish that was…I didn't mean for it to come out like that!" She hangs her head.

"Stu-stupid. Don't w-worry over me. I won't…die. Akito w-won't let me die."

She looks questioning but doesn't say anything. Good. She crouches up.

"Kyo-kun, there are some others who want to see you. I-I'll leave you now. Do you want anything?" She asks, wiping her eyes. I freeze.

"It's not…Kagura, is it?" I say fearfully. Please, that's that last thing I need right now.

Tohru manages a small laugh.

"No, but Hatori-san and Shigure-san w-want to talk to you I think. I'll see you later Kyo-kun." She gets up and smiles at me, a tearful, wane smile. There are dark circles under her eyes. Jeez. Guilt bubbles like acid in my stomach.

Shigure enters. I glare at him reproachfully. This is just great. But his face holds no antics. I get nervous, something pulling at my stomach. I imagine the lecture from hell coming.

_What kind of stunt was this? You over-reacted! It's your duty to be locked up, it's your fate! You cannot run from that, you have to go in the cage, so everyone else can smirk at you as you waste away…_

He pulls up my chair and sits down. I glare at him. He breaks the ice after staring at me for about a minute.

"So." He says.

"So." Hmph.

"So." Grrr…

"What drove you to try and kill yourself?" He asks bluntly. I don't answer, shamed by my actions. What would Shishou say if he saw me now? Damn nosy dog.

"What did Akito say that upset you that much?" I still don't answer.

"Kyooo-kun?" He asks, a hint of his annoying voice appearing. I am not amused in the slightest.

"Shut up! You're Akito's lapdog, aren't you?! Why don't you go suck his dick and maybe he'll tell you!" Shigure looks surprised at my outburst but he smirks. He has an expression I've never seen before. It seems…cunning.

"Same old Kyo-kun, alright. Akito wouldn't tell me such things. In the end, even I can't be trusted." I stop to stare. I get the feeling that Shigure is not all he seems. He speaks again.

"Haa-san told me what was said, actually, I just wanted to see if you would break down and cry on my shoulder…ha ha ha!" He smiles shamefacedly.

"So…you're going to be locked up." His face turned solemn. I have never seen it so staid before, and made me very weary.

"I'm…I'm sorry Kyo-kun. I never meant for it to turn out this way. This…might have been avoidable…

"I will try, Kyo. I will try my best to change the situation around. I don't blame you for reacting the way you did." He reaches his hand out to me but stops half way, as if unsure how to approach me. He retracts it and sighs.

"Hang in there for at least another year, OKAY? Live life to the fullest. Don't hold back. And when the time comes…do what you have to do." I am about to protest, but he gets up and stretches. I hear cracks and he cries like an old man.

"Ahhhh, I'm getting so ooooold!! Hatori-jiji, help meee!" He wails and hobbles out of my room. What a freakshow.

Hatori says something about unnecessary nonsense and walks past Shigure.

Hatori enters, his eyes closed. When did his hair get so long? He shuts my door with a snap.

Hatori sits down nicely beside me, and I stare up at the ceiling, defying him. Asshole. I'll never forgive him for what he said in the car. Never. He sighs. Oh, _he's_ tired? _He_ has stress on him right now? Ha!

"Kyo."

I remain silent. I won't ever speak to Hatori again!

"I know what you heard must have been very upsetting. But I'm telling you now that your life is too precious to just throw out the window." I struggle to raise myself on my arms.

"What? What life? _I don't have a life Hatori!_ Do you have any idea what sort of life I'm going to have after I graduate? Do you? Why the hell did you save me? It's too cruel to let me live! Why didn't you just let me die?" Oops. There goes my plan for never speaking to him again. But I'm too full of rage to care.

"Kyo! Please, Kyo…you still…!" He quiets, and I strain to listen. "You still have a year. Don't throw away the one year left you have free." My rage-contorted face softens. He's…right. It's like Shigure was saying. He pauses for a long, long time.

"After that…I…after that, I swear, I won't try and save you." My lips part in surprise.

I think about it. It really would be worth it, one more year. If I know that I'm not going in the cage, that I'm going to die first, I will live my life. I will defy Akito. That bastard will never have me live his way.

He moves to stand up, but I reach out a weak bloody arm and grab his pant cuff.

"Hatori…" I say. He waits, but I say nothing and look away in embarrassment. Jeez. There goes my pride again!

"There's someone else who wants to see you." Hatori says. I tense. Who else knows about this already? I watch my door expecting a random family member to walk through it.

But the person who enters my room is Yuki. I stare in shock, feeling humiliation crawl through me. I must seem so weak.

We stare at each other for an awkward minute. But…I can't snap at him. The burning hatred is stronger than ever. If…if only the rat hadn't tricked the cat! I wouldn't have to be locked up in the cage! But…I've lost the will to raise my voice for some reason. It must be blood loss.

"Stupid cat."

Okay, scratch that.

"What are you thinking, worrying Honda-san like that? Do you have any idea what you've put her through?"

I can't believe this. Tohru has nothing to worry about!

"Shut up. Shut up! She doesn't have anything to worry about! I'm the one who has the goddamn problem in my hands! Stop worrying about Tohru! Nothing is going to happen to her!"

Yuki looks away, his dark eyes darting around as though he is thinking. He snaps his head back at me, and his voice is still carefully controlled.

"That's not the point! You don't have to try to kill yourself and have her thinking she's going to lose a good friend!"

"Don't you already think I feel bad already? For your goddamn information, my intention wasn't to make Tohru feel bad!" I yell. Yuki's eyes narrow.

"Yeah? Than what was your intention? To have the whole world throw a pity-party for you? Why can't you see what you have? Like having friends and living in a house with a family who actually cares about you!"

"Shut up!! My fucking intention was to fucking die!! I _hate_ you!!"

"I can't believe you're this weak. Why? What could be so bad that the stupid cat tries to take the easy way out? What did Akito do?"

"Don't you get it?" I roar, trying uselessly to get up. "I'm going to be-!"

I stop and bite my tongue in surprise. There's no way I'm telling Yuki. Nothing good could come out of that. He stays silent for a while, waiting for me.

"Well?" He says impatiently.

"Nothing. Get out of my room."

"No."

"Get _out_!"

"No!"

Goddamn this is pissing me off.

"Why the hell do you care what he did?" I bellow.

"_I don't_!" He shouts back at me. It seems to ring in my ears. And for some reason, for some reason I can't figure out, I'm hurt. It hurts me so bad and I don't know why. I look away. The pressure from behind my eyes comes back again.

"Whatever. Just…leave."

"No." The stubborn bastard. The pressure increases and I'm ready to plead with him.

"…Please…just…just leave me _alone_…" I say. And my voice sounds so pitiful and helpless. I hate it.

It was barely a whisper. But he caught it. He looks like I've gone crazy. For a minute he stays there next to me, but then he gets up and slowly backs away. The warmth from him next to my side disappears and leaves me with cold air. I can tell he wants to say something, but he doesn't. He closes the door. Leaving me alone.

The pressure from my eyes relieves itself and salt water slides down the side of my face.

I hear him lean against the wall outside my room and sigh. I can imagine him running his hands through his hair in frustration. Good. Let that damn rat die. I close my eyes and will sleep to come. And it does.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Three-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	4. 4

**Disclaimer- **Don't own it.

**Author's Note-** The hardest part of writing a chapter is getting started. Shigure scary…

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes-**Chapter Four**-Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

After a few weeks there is no physical sign of my attempts at my life. It didn't even leave scars. I wonder if its some sort of sign of my weakness; too cowardly to really mean it when I tried to kill myself. This only frustrates me more. It makes me sick to think about it. I started going to school again, and no one really bothers me after my previous outburst. I can here them whispering behind my back, the first years skirting around me in the halls. I eat lunch on the roof. Well, I sit on the roof. I hardly eat anything anymore. Tohru hasn't visited me for a while.

But I guess that's what I wanted.

Things have only gotten worse. Everything's going wrong. I don't think I can go on with this. I know. I know. Back when I had that tantrum in the classroom, things weren't even _close _to how bad they are now. If only I knew now what I knew then. If only I knew.

I would have tried harder. Tried harder to beat that damn rat! Tried to do _something_! Maybe I'm just an idiot. Maybe I'm just a stupid little boy who's so afraid that he doesn't even try and defend himself. That he'll let the world pass by and not even raise his head to watch.

And it's all because of the decision of one person.

I don't get it. Why does everyone listen to him? Why is he a God to the Sohma's? I don't understand! How could they go through with his mad plans? Akito is so sick that he's close to death, what could he have done if orders aren't followed? But I can't talk like it's not me. I'm just as powerless against him. I can't do anything, either.

At night I just curl up and pray that something changes. I don't have the courage to take my own life anymore, but maybe I never did. I was on the brink so many times…but I could never let go, never make the cut. I just couldn't. I guess it's the cat's weakness. What's wrong with me? I would rather _die_ than spend the rest of my life in that…that _cage_.

I don't know what's keeping me here. It's not me. I laugh. I wonder if it's Akito's will?

It was Akito's decision. After graduation…I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a cage. Just like Shishou's grandfather.

I've never been so helpless in my life. I've always been able to pull through somehow, or at least act like nothings wrong. I had mastered the art of denial. But this time, I don't want to act fearless or tough or brave. I'm afraid. There won't be anyone to help me this time.

No one.

I stay up all night shivering in the dry moonlight. I want so badly to tell someone that I'm close to. I want to tell Tohru. But it would be too cruel to her. She would worry so much she would probably come down with pneumonia and die. But…what happens when I leave? I don't think she can handle it. I don't want to be conceited or anything, but after it happens, I don't think Tohru would ever smile again.

I don't want to be the cause of her unhappiness. If I tell her, it's only because I'm a selfish prick.

But…I so desperately want to. I want someone to tell me that everything going to be all right, that they won't let me go. I want someone to _love_ me, I guess.

I know Shishou loves me. I know he does. He _is_ my dad. But his love is not enough. It's rude and mean, but…it's not enough. What could Shishou do to sway Akito and the rest of the family? Akito would have him punished, in some horrible way. I…don't want him getting hurt on my behalf. I clench my sweaty hands together and squeeze my eyes shut. I hope Shishou doesn't know of this.

Heh. I wonder if that damn rat would act different if he knew. I start laughing, the idea of him caring almost too much for me. I hold my trembling hands up to my face, laughing like a madman. But I am. I'm going to go mad. Akito is going to win.

I yank my sheets. A glimmer of defiance stirs in my chest. Akito, win? I can't let that happen!

I think about what Shigure and Hatori said. Easier said than done. How the hell do you enjoy yourself when you know it won't matter? In the end, you-!

"Tch." Bitter disappointment settles in me.

It's all just a waste of time. Pointless. What's the point of living if you think about being locked up in the cage every second? When you feel like your going to throw up every waking minute. How can I distract myself? How was I supposed to live my life for another year when all my thoughts were consumed by my fate?

I'm going crazy.

I'm going crazy.

I'm going crazy.

I can't do it. My body is too weak; my mind is in a mad frenzy. I can't even eat correctly.

What's wrong with me? I hate myself more than I ever have! Someone…someone needs to kill me. Someone kill me before I hurt people…before I destroy myself with myself.

But, who would do it? Tohru was out of the question. Shigure would probably have me locked up earlier, the bastard…

But…

Would he do it? Maybe I could piss him off so bad, that he…he would do it. I would beg him on my knees if I had to. I shake my head. It doesn't matter. For now…I'll try to forget.

As the moon slowly rises in the sky, the light catches something on my desk. I draw out my drawer and reach inside, my hand searching for the cold metal. I stare at it, admiring the moonlight reflecting of the shiny blade. I stare at it some more. Several minutes pass by where I do nothing.

I expose my forearm and touch the blade gently to the skin. I press down and slowly drag it across, hissing at the much-welcomed sting. I gasp as it suddenly slips down very easily and I feel it. I draw it away quickly, surprised by how much it hurt. I blink and wait for a few seconds, before resting the blade on my forearm again.

This is stupid.

I watch as the blood collects in little drops and runs down my arm. It splatters on the dark blue rug. Impossible to see. I give a weak, forced half-smile with lidded eyes.

_This is really stupid._

I suddenly hear a knock on the door and out of reflex I fling my knife across the room into my closet, while bundling my arm into my sheets as the door opens after a few seconds. It's Tohru. Cold sweat flashes through me, but dies away immediately.

Tohru steps through the doorway about halfway and stops.

"Kyo-kun? Dinners ready." she says timidly.

"I'm not hungry." I don't remember the last time I ate, or the last time I was hungry. I hear her sniff but I have no outward reaction to it.

"Kyo-kun…please remember…I will always be here…" I hear clothes rustling and footsteps retreating. I think that she forgot to close my door when Yuki enters my vision, surprising me.

Suddenly my head is snapped to the side and my cheek stings.

He… slapped me.

But I have no anger.

"What's wrong with you?" He spits. I've never seen him so angry. His eyes are slits and his teeth are bared. I say nothing. He slaps me again. Now both sides of my face are throbbing.

He keeps his hands up, as if he is going to continue to hit me, so I grab his wrist tightly to keep his hands away from my face. He breaks out of it with no trouble, and kicks my head from the side and I hit the floor. I land painfully and thank the sheet for staying tangled around my arm. He puts his foot on my head and growls through his teeth.

I've never seen him this angry, and his anger is making him lose control of his temper. The angrier he gets the more violent he gets. But I don't care. Even as my face is ground into the carpet, what did it matter now, this fighting? There was definitely no chance of me beating him _now_. I don't have the energy or the willpower.

But at least I'll make him sorry in the end. Sorry he beat up on poor Kyo, who got locked up in the cage. Too bad I won't be there. I'll be in the cage. With no light. No hope. No future. No _one_.

I'm going to die _alone_.

I let out a strangled cry, and from Yuki's face I can tell he thinks it from pain. He lifts up his foot in surprise. I hold my head and lean over the ground, gasping for breath. I start shaking, my bones shuddering and my eyes on fire. But the sound I am making does not belong to me. I'm making animal sounds, choked screams I've only had nightmares about. Yuki grabs me roughly by the shoulders and pins me to the ground. I stare at the ceiling in horror because all I can see is the cage. The feeling of isolation and fear explodes out of me as I claw at my face, making it bleed. Saliva runs down the side of my mouth as my ragged breathing fills the air.

Yuki leans over me, an unreadable expression in his dark eyes. I see his eyes. They are beautiful. But they change into Akito's dark malicious glare and I scream again. Yuki yells.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Yuki's face is angry. But I can see, smell the terror. He slaps me again. I don't react as I breathe heavily, staring at something Yuki can't see.

"Answer me! Talk! Fight back!" Yuki screams.

"_Get up, Kyo!_"

I go limp and everything turns white.

* * *

I peer around the corner to see if Honda-san is still in the same position that I left her, and sure enough she is. Sitting at the kitchen table, crying. I put a blanket around her shoulders as she cries. She has her head in her arms as she leans on the table, and sobs are emitting from her. She jumps from the contact and looks at me. I'm used to seeing her eyes filled with tears. She's been crying so much lately. Stupid cat. Can't he see what he's doing?

"I'm…I'm sorry! I shouldn't…I shouldn't be here, c-crying," Her voice cracks and she cries harder, "Yuki-kun…what's w-wrong -with him? I want so badly to h-help him! Please, t-tell me how to help Kyo-kun!"

She gently bangs her fist on the table as she sobs. I try to console her as she cries fitfully. I hear the shoji slide open.

Shigure enters the kitchen and sees us. He sits down and sighs, further messing up his hair by running his hand through it. When he doesn't say anything I get up and seemingly tower over him.

"What is wrong with him?" I ask. My voice is strait with a tinge of anger.

"You mean you don't know?" Shigure replies evenly.

I grab him by the collar of his kimono. I see Honda-san flinch. Shigure knows what's going on, but he wont say.

"Cut it out. I don't want to hear your nonsense." I make sure he knows I'm serious.

Shigure pats my hand and I let him down, thinking he's going to tell me what's been going on. But he stays silent for the longest time. I hear Honda-san shift uncomfortably in her seat at the awkward moment. I sneer.

"Fine. This time I _will_ beat it out of the stupid cat!" I stride angrily toward the door but Shigure swiftly gets up and blocks my path. I stop suddenly, surprised.

"You will do no such thing."

He speaks in a voice he's never used. His eyes are downcast, but they hold an unnerving expression. It makes me nervous. But I bite out words nonetheless.

"He can't keep making Honda-san worry like this! I'm going to find out what it is, Shigure, and you can't stop me!" I am growing angry fast, and make a move to step around him.

Shigure looks up quickly, and in that split second I see his eyes. His eyes look like Akito's.

"You will do _no_ such thing!" He yells. Before I can comprehend, he shoves me hard in the chest with both hands.

With a resounding crash I hit the table and drop to the ground, clutching my side. I am caught completely off guard, and am so surprised I can't speak. I look up and see his eyes filled with malice, and my breath quickens as I also see Akito's glare. In a flurry Honda-san rushes to my side and kneels in front of me. Her arms are held out protectively and she speaks with a shaking voice.

"Please, please stop it! S-Shigure-san, please stop!" I can see her trembling. I look at Shigure. He blinks and the hatred is gone, just like that. He kneels next to Honda-san and puts a regretful hand on her head.

"I'm so sorry, my little flower." He sighs and looks troubled, " I shouldn't have resorted to violence. It was childish."

"I didn't mean to scare you. I just…lost my temper. Please forgive me." He says. Honda-san looks up, fear still in her eyes. Shigure puts his hands on her shoulders in a sort-of half-hug. After he releases her, he turns to me.

"Forgive me, Yuki-kun. It was not my place to do that." His face regains its hardness.

"But I will _not_ have you pestering Kyo." He says. Honda-san's nervous eyes dart back and forth between Shigure and I. He turns to her.

"You either, Tohru-kun. I'm sorry, but you will be told when Kyo is ready to tell you. He may not tell you at all. But you both will not harass Kyo over this. Especially you, Yuki. What you did to him in his bedroom was _completely _unnecessary. I thought you had more class than that."

I look away. The dead sternness in Shigure's voice tells me how serious he is. It _was_ coarse of me to do that to Kyo. He never…tried to pry into my business.

"Let Kyo open up to you on his own. Just let him know you are there for him, but don't pressure him." Shigure directs at Honda-san, before getting up and patting her on the head one more time. She flinches and I see the slightly hurt look in his eyes.

He leaves the room. Honda-san flies over to me and clings to my shoulders, shaking like a leaf in a wind. I am surprised at first but put my arms around her, wishing desperately I could close up the space between us. If Shigure frightened me, she must be terrified.

But the conversation only made me more curious. I snort. Why should I care what's bothering the cat?

But…this house isn't the same without him. Without his rude, sarcastic comments, or him chasing Shigure or glaring at me. Without him secretly caring for Honda-san. Without him, this house isn't…home?

Could it be…that I actually care for the cat's well being? For _Kyo's_ life?

No… I hate Kyo, forever and even after I die. There was too much blood between us now. Too much hurt and anger had passed between us. But I'm sick of lying to myself. I want to know what's wrong…even if it's only to make Honda-san feel better or some other selfish reason. I crick my neck and sigh. I can feel stress accumulating in my neck and shoulders. I grow more annoyed at the thought that Kyo's problems are stressing me out.

Whatever Akito did…it can't be good. Even I have acted the same after the visits with Akito…I couldn't handle them. Whatever Kyo was put through must have been bad. Because he's strong.

I frown as I remember him under me. He was so frail. I thought I was going to break his bones. He hasn't been eating lately…he looks starved. And his eyes…his eyes haunt me even now.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Four-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	5. 5

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it. Took two lines from Gojyo!

**Author's Note-** Guess what I found out today? I'm part Italian! I got the mafia, man!! (But you'd never tell from looking at me). I am a mix of practically everything. I'm a mutt. Heh heh.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes-**Chapter Five**-Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

When I wake up, it's still dark. I stare out the dim window for about 20 minutes before I realize that I'm in the living room, crowded by thick blankets. I remember vaguely the events preceding this, and hope that Hatori hasn't come over. Judging by my bloodied and unbandaged arm, he hasn't. I distantly hope that no one saw.

"Oi, Kyo." I turn my head over. It's Yuki, again. Sitting on the couch on the other side of the room. Isn't he cold? Shouldn't he be sleeping? I close my eyes as my headache intensifies.

"…Leave me…alone." It is not a request. A plea. My voice is a rasp. Yuki gets down on his knees near my face. I wince and prepare for whatever he throws at me. But nothing comes. He gets down near my head. I open my eyes to see him looking above me.

"I'm sorry, okay? Stupid cat." His warm breath tickles my face. Then before he gets up he looks directly into my eyes. His pale skin is so different from his dark eyes. The eyes that so clearly held contempt and defiance for what he was doing.

He leaves, and I swear I can hear the air parting to let him through.

Tohru comes in with tea a few hours later. She looks happy that I am up, and sets the tray down. She sits politely.

"Kyo-kun, you're up! I'm so glad! O-Oh! I-I made you breakfast, your favorite tea, and I can make you some noodles if you can't stomach that-"

"Shh." I say. She stops her mindless babble.

"I'm sorry…Tohru." I say. And I am.

"No, Kyo-kun! I should be the one apologize-"

She stops when I cup the back of her head with my hand. I bring her face to mine. Our cheeks touch.

"I love you."

The sick feeling comes back. Tohru closes her eyes and we stay like that for a while.

"I love you too, Kyo-kun." She says before I release her.

"Do you want to sit up?" She asks, a slightly confused look on her face.

"No. I'm going to sleep for awhile." I say. I could escape in sleep.

"I understand. I'll leave the tea here. I'll be in the kitchen, if you need me just call." She gets up and leaves, and soon I hear kitchen noises. I try to sleep but the pains in my arm keeps me up.

I wonder why that damn rat apologized. He couldn't have found out about the cage, could he? No, Tohru would be freaking out right now if they knew. Whatever. What the fuck did it matter now anyway? He's going to find out in the end. They both are.

I guess I'm too weak.

I wonder what our goodbye is going to be like? My jaw clenches.

No! I can't start thinking about that now!

But it turns out I have a distraction. Shigure and Hatori enter the hallway. I stare at them.

"Hey, Kyo-kun, come outside for a minute, will ya?" Shigure asks in his annoying voice.

"Why?"

Shigure smiles serenely.

"Well, you see, Hari here and I were talking, and we decided to have a threesome! Tohru-kun declined, I'm sad to say, but Yuki-"

Shigure stops talking and watches as Hatori snatches a pack of cigarettes from the coffee talbe and stalks out of the room.

"Heeeey! Hari! Where you going??" Shigure follows him, and then pops back in the doorway.

"C'mon, Kyon-Kyon, we don't have all day!" He leaves again. I glare and shakily get up. I guess they want to talk about…the cage again.

I shuffle outside onto the wooden deck. The wind howls and brings leaves swirling around me. The sky is gloomy and gray, and the trees seem iron gray. The site is scary. But not seeing it ever again is going to be scarier.

I walk over to where Shigure and Hatori are sitting at the small wooden table. I stand in front of it a ways back so I won't have to breath in their smoke. My sleeve is just long enough to cover the slashes. Thank god for the small favors.

"What did you call me out here for?" I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"To bandage your arm." Shigure answers, tapping ash into the glass ashtray. My insides turn to ice.

I can't find a single thing to say, and merely stare at them wondering if I should bother to act like I don't know what they're talking about.

"Don't bother with an act. We didn't come here to ask questions." Hatori says, starting to rummage through his medical bag. "Although I'm not condoning cutting. Come here." He takes his gauze out with medicines. I winced when he said the word 'cutting'.

I hesitate, before stepping forward. My guess is that they can't blame me. I hold out my arm, and Hatori reaches out and pulls up my sleeve. I look away when I see the angry red slashes, swollen and bloody. Shame floods me, and I feel so naked without them covered up. Shigure stares intently and I feel humiliated.

"Do…they…?" I stammer quietly, trying not to squirm.

"Hmm?" Shigure asks and looks up at me. "You mean Yuki-kun and Tohru-kun? No."

I hiss when Hatori pours alcohol all over the cuts. He begins to abrasively wrap my arm with the gauze.

"That hurts, dickweed!" I snarl. "Wrap with goddamn _care_!"

"It's your own fault." Hatori says grumpily.

"Shut up! I didn't ask to be locked up!" I growl.

"No, you didn't." Shigure says mildly. "Say, have you ever heard of the old adage, 'Life isn't fair'?"

"Up yours! You go live in the cage and see how well _you_ take it!"

Shigure inhales some more smoke.

"All I'm saying is that there are others who have it a lot worse than you."

"Yeah, asshole? Name someone!" I yell. I can't believe Shigure!

"Look around, Kyo. The world is not limited to your own sight." He says. He sounds sort of angry.

It starts to rain. And the weakness seems to spread from my feet to my head. I turn to go into the house.

"Wait, Kyo." Hatori calls me back.

"About this." He motions carelessly to his medicine kits. "Are you going to stop?" He asks. The two of them wait patiently while I stand by the door.

"…No." I disappear inside.

"Well, what did you expect?" Shigure sighs, throwing his hand over his shoulder and smiling his trademark smile.

"…Not this." Hatori answers. The luminous gray sky reflects in his glassy eyes. The wind howls all around them, but it seems so quiet. Shigure glances at Hatori, then downcasts his eyes in a sad smile.

_In the end…_

_Will it be worth it?_

* * *

Dinner a few days later is obstinately tense. We're eating dinner without Tohru, of course. She went to work. At least she cooked before she left.

The clanking of chopsticks makes my stomach knotted. Shigure looks between Yuki and I while drinking tea. I glare at him, and then at Yuki, who glares back. At least things are semi-normal.

"Why so quiet everyone? Is it because our sweet flower isn't here?" Shigure muses loudly. He looks quite put out as we ignore him.

"Yes, yes…you two must be so disappointed…" Shigure mumbles.

"What?" I snap at him.

"Who wouldn't miss the site of her short skir-? _AHHH! IT BURNS_!!" He yells as Yuki throws his remaining tea into his eyes and I spurt mine everywhere.

Shigure sighs and sits down again.

"At least that brought you guys out. Whew." He wipes tea from his face and smiles. He gets up and stops at the door.

"I love you all! Ah ha ha!" Then he shuts the shoji with a very loud clack, leaving Yuki and I to stare incredulously.

"Hmpf. Pervert." I mutter. Yuki gives a sideways look at me. I glare.

"What?"

"I see your back to your normal stupid self." I pause for a minute, in surprise.

"Shut up." I mutter, gently pushing Yuki out of my way as I stride towards the sink. But Yuki grasps my wrist. I wince as his hand constricts the cuts. I look back and see him staring at my wrist, his expression unreadable. I look down and gasp, my sleeve ridden up my arm. An ugly slash is exposed on my skin.

"Wh-" Yuki starts, but I cut him off and desperately try and shake off his grip.

"Let me go!"

Yuki looks at me and opens his mouth, but I swing my fist at his face. He blocks it, but barely. His grip loosens, and I rip my arm out of his hand.

"Hey-!"

"Mind your own fucking business!" I snarl and stride up the stairs and into my room, slamming my door.

My God…did Yuki just see that? This can't be happening to me!

No…it's okay…he probably didn't see much, and even if he did, it's not like he would jump to conclusions…would he? I frown as I try to predict his actions, but I found it impossible. I realized this was not because Yuki was unpredictable but because I hardly know him. I didn't have any idea who Yuki as a person was really like. I snort angrily. Worrying about that damn rat was the last thing I should be doing.

I lay in bed for hours and hours. I'm exhausted. But I can't fall asleep. It hurts...

I hear Tohru come home, laughing with that damn rat.

"Goodnight, Yuki-kun,"

"Goodnight," He replies. And after the lights have been switched off, and the house is quiet, I can't fight the thoughts that enter my head.

Everyone that I've ever loved…how am I going to say goodbye? I'm never going to see the outside world again, not anyone or anything. Tohru…I can't say goodbye to you!

Weakness clouds my mind. All the thoughts I usually keep quiet now take over my head.

I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Tohru. Tohru. Tohru. That name that usually calmed my mind only made it more frenzied. I can't say goodbye to you, Tohru. I love you. You've saved me so many times, but even you have a limit. You can't bring me back from where I'm going.

But…I'm in love with her. I can't be apart from her.

_I'm no good without you, Tohru._

I did. I loved her. But she is, and always has been too good for me.

I get up, suddenly, and run out of my room. The house is empty. It's still raining, and I can feel the cold air suck out my energy, making my brain foggy and slow. Lightning strikes as suddenly as a snake, brightening the darkness for a split second. But I run out of the house, past the trees, into the forest.

It's stupid. I can't help but make these cuts, these self-inflicted wounds. The pain frees me for only a short while. I feel so pathetic, like a whiny _brat_. Weak. Weak.

_Why is it so easy to be weak?_

Fat drops splatter on me and run down my face. Blood is rushing to my ears and the raindrops hurl themselves down, drowning me. Everything is in gray, misty streaks.

The clearing I stand in is shrouded in mist, the rain thundering down on me. I drop to my knees in the muddy ground and gasp for air. I can't move; I don't have the strength…I'm just the weak cat. To weak to even make the final cut. But I'm going to die anyway. Here in the rain I will stop breathing.

I lay my head in the mud, not caring anymore. This goodbye…isn't so bad. I'm sorry, Tohru, because I'm going to make you so sad. But…you're strong. Stronger than me.

I take a shuddering breath, and exhale slowly. Please, God, Akito, someone let me _die_!

But death doesn't come. I lay there in the rain, waiting. And I cry. With struggling breaths I choke on sobs.

Until I see shoes in front of my face. I look up past my wet dripping bangs and see silver hair plastered to pale skin.

Yuki.

Yuki will do it.

Yuki will kill me.

I allow myself to be dragged up and out of the mud. He puts my arm around his shoulder and supports my weight as we stumble back to the house.

_Leave me to die_.

I can see the blurred light of the house through the trees. Are we going to make it? It seems so far away. But we make it. Yuki puts me down on the wooden deck and falls, coughing. I try to glare at him, while he grasps his throat. Why did he come get me if he's just going to get sick?!

I lay panting on the floor, puddles of water and blood growing larger underneath me. He crawls over to me.

"What do you think your doing? You know how you get in the rain!" He yells, shoveling sopping wet hair out of his eyes. I see him glance down quickly at the red staining the deck.

"You're hurt…" He says in an almost outraged way, his eyes incredulous. "Why are you hurt?"

He stops when I reach inside my coat and retrieve the cold object that wasn't in my jacket by accident.

"You'll do it, right?" I ask and extend my hand to him. He stares disbelievingly at me.

"You'll kill me, right?" I ask. "You hate me, right? Do it!" I start to yell. Yuki knocks the knife out of my hand.

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to kill you!" He looks ready to hit me again.

"Why not?" My voice cracks, "You have to!" But I don't care if he sees me like this.

"Why, Kyo? Tell me why!" He says, grabbing my shoulders and violently shaking me. I look at the ground in fear. My mouth goes dry and I breath heavily.

"Do you honestly think that you're the only one Akito toys with? Do you? _Do you have any idea what I've been put through_?"

"I know, I know!" I shout, my voice drowning in the thundering wind, "But your still the one who's free!"

"Don't start that with me again!" He spits, "You're the one who-"

"…cage." I whisper. But Yuki hears.

"What?"

"…What the hell were you expecting?" I yell suddenly, "Do you think it's going to be any different from the other cats?"

"…Did Akito tell you that? He's not going to…he wouldn't…" Yuki's face surprises me. He's pale and any coolness in his demeanor was gone. Yuki had lost face over…me?

I shake my head, and then hang it, clenching my hands together. Yuki speaks, but it sounds forced and false.

"Don't be so gullible! Akito was just-"

I shake my head violently.

"Don't you get it? I have until I graduate! And then I'm never going to see anyone again! Not Tohru, not you, no one! I'm going to be locked in the dark!" There is real fear in Yuki's dark orbs, like he's been there before.

"You've got to kill me before I hurt someone, before it happens! _Please_!" I scream.

"…Kyo…don't…" He starts, reaching out tentatively to me.

I look up, enraged.

"Don't you get it? _You have to do this_!" I yell. I grab the knife and fling it at him, but it clatters to the floor, louder than the intense tattoo the rain drummed on the roof. The sound of water is everywhere.

"Kill me! Please, please kill me! Do it…" I break down into strangled sobs. He doesn't move. He's not going to. I kneel on the floor, completely hopeless. I grasp my left wrist as sudden sharp pain rips through it. I lose my balance. I can feel myself falling. But I never hit the floor.

I'm in someone's arms. Yuki is holding me up. It's been so long since someone's touched me. He pulls my left arm away from my body, extending it, my dripping sleeve pushed back. Blood coats those long white fingers. My blood. He stares down at the long wound I gouged in my skin.

"_You stupid cat_," he hisses, glaring fiercely at my bloodied forearm, visibly sickened by the sight.

I turn my head away and shut my eyes hard, shame and embarrassment flooding me, as I try to yank my arm out of his grasp.

Suddenly, I can feel him pulling me towards him, gripping my body, keeping me upright. My fingers find the material of his shirt and clutch it tightly. I don't even think about what I'm doing. All I know is that warms skin is being pressed against mine. I want to be held so bad.

I grasp him tighter and he holds me back. It's been so long since I held someone in a human form. I remember my mother never held me. She refrained from touching me as much as possible. I gasp and choke into Yuki's shoulder.

_Don't let this stop._

I hear Yuki speak.

"Damn…just…please?"

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Five-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	6. 6

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it. Will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Random fact: I am probably going to die of Ovarian Cancer. (A lot of my female family members died from that)

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Six-**Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

I walk downstairs, shaking my head to clear memories of last night. It all seems like a dream. It probably was. I shove my hands in my pockets and keep my head down as I trudge into the kitchen.

I look up and with a flash of nerves and realize Yuki is there, calmly eating rice. He stares up and his expression is neutral. He watches me carefully, trying to read me. I hate when people do that.

I look away, frowning. Doesn't he sleep in on weekends?

Ignoring his incessant stare, I head to the refrigerator, grabbing the carton of milk and tipping the rest of it into my mouth. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He's still looking at me. I walk towards the table and sit down.

"Now what?" I ask. What am I supposed to do? Nothings changed, right? Will he give me answers? Or do I wait?

"I don't know, Kyo." He says softly, and it makes me sad. He's almost never used my name before.

"What…should I do?" I ask, looking at the strange pattern in the tablecloth.

"I…don't know." He says. Usually this would enrage me, but he spoke with no malice.

Slowly our eyes meet.

"You-" Yuki starts, but Shigure barges inside the room.

"Yuki-kuuuun! Up already? My, my, what has the world come to? And sitting with Kyo-kun, not even fighting! Be still my beating heAARRRTTT!" He screams as Yuki throws his chopsticks at him.

"Stop it. What do you really want to tell me?" He asks, his eyes closed.

"Hatori wants to see you!" Shigure gushes. Yuki's eyes narrow.

"At the main house? Why?"

"Your monthly check-up, of course! Tori-san wanted to see your beautiful naked body once aGAAAIIIN!" He starts screaming again as Yuki throws his empty bowl at him. I blanch.

"You lecher!" Yuki yells, "This isn't one of your schemes again, is it?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Shigure chants with flourish. "I would _never_, _EVER _-gah!" He runs from the room as Yuki shoots him a death glare, as he has run out of things to throw.

"What's the big deal?" I ask, wondering why Yuki is so suspicious.

"Shut up! Leave me alone!" He yells, twisting on his heel and storming out of the room. I look on surprised, and I think I see his shoulders tremble.

"Damn rat!" I yell out of instinct. No retaliation. Hell…

I hear crunching gravel, and look out the window to see Hatori's black car drive up. He had better be picking up Yuki. I walk into the living room and lean on the doorframe as he enters.

"Kyo," He greets me.

"Piss off!" I snarl. He sighs.

"Where's Yuki?" He asks.

"I'm here." I look behind me and he looks shaken.

"Lets go, Yuki." He makes a move to turn around.

"Why?" I hear Yuki's voice shake. I look at him and he looks at Hatori with pleading eyes.

"I just had a checkup two weeks ago." He searches Hatori's face in vain.

"It's just a damn checkup! Get over yourself!" I yell, irritated by his overreaction.

"Shut up, stupid cat! Don't talk to me!" He snarls. But the fear is radiating off him.

"You don't want me. It's Akito isn't it?" Yuki says. I can see him panicking, even though no one else can. I look between the two.

Hatori runs a hand through his hair.

"He just wants to see you, and we don't want to make him wait."

I want to say something, want to prevent this. It was some feeling…some feeling I just can't put into words. Yuki meets my eyes for a second. My lips part, but he walks past me as though in defiance of me. Hatori gives me a look and leaves, closing the door behind him. I wait until the scraping of tires on gravel is gone. I pace back and forth for a long time; jumpy for no reason I could think of. What's going to happen?

* * *

The car comes to a halt and I lay my head against the cool glass of the window. The hand on the door is shaking, and my insides have disappeared. What could Akito want? I'm scared.

I want…I want someone to help me. Someone to save me from God.

Hatori opens the door for me, and I glance away, getting up stiffly from my seat. He follows me as I step up on the wooden porch and enter the main house. My insides freeze as I recall the scent that always lingered in this place. It smells like corrosive metals and old books. I shut my eyes tight and scream inside my head. I want to run, run away and never look back. But I'm such a self-centered coward. I could never do it. I…I'm too weak.

I walk the corridors, turning as my memory recognizes these long weary halls and their dancing shadows. One more turn…and I'm there. My body freezes. I face the heavy shoji that leads to Akito's private room. Most zodiac aren't allowed in. I turn around, but Hatori's back faces me, walking away. The burning taste of betrayal and fear comes back. I swallow and reach my hand toward the door. It shakes violently.

And for some reason, for some reason I can't explain, and vision of Kyo clutching me rushes to my head. Here, he went in and dealt with Akito. He wasn't all right; he wasn't even close to sane. But…he came to me. He didn't _refuse_…or _struggle_.

_I think…_

_When someone says they like you, for the first time…_

_You can begin to like yourself._

_When someone finally accepts you…_

_You feel like…_

_You can forgive yourself a little. _

_You can begin to face your fears…_

_With courage._

I slide the door open, my teeth locked and my hand clenched. Akito is facing the window, in a loose red kimono. A bird rests on his finger. He turns his head slowly and smiles at me, a long, chilling, lazy smile. The bird flees to freedom with a great fluttering. The courage I had rushes out of me as quickly as it had come.

"Hello, Yuki."

I shut the door behind me.

_You can take_

_My teeth_

_Or my bones._

_They don't matter to me._

* * *

I hear the door creak open from the living room, and Tohru comes in with Hiro and Kisa. She sits down and exhales loudly next to me on the couch. I turn down the T.V.

"Good afternoon, Kyo-kun! I brought Hiro-san and Kisa-san over for dinner, is that alright?" She asks. Hiro stares around the room grumpily. Kisa holds Tohru's hand and gazes at me good-naturedly.

"Yeah whatever. But you better not cause any trouble!" I point at Hiro, who scoffs.

"Me, cause trouble? You cause enough trouble for the both of us. And since when do you own me? You may control that stupid woman, but not me." I growl and turn red.

"I don't control her! Shut your hole before I kick your ungrateful ass!" I screech at him.

"As if you could." He smirks. "Akito would only punish you...more." I freeze, as cold water rushes through my veins. He opens his mouth again.

"I don't cause enough trouble to get slammed into the ca-"

_Smack._

I backhand Hiro across the face without even realizing it. The light-hearted room turns deadly cold. Hiro stumbles to his knees, holding his face. He looks up and glares at me, his teeth bared.

"Kyo-kun!" Tohru screams, completely taken by surprise. Kisa gasps. I put my hand down regretfully.

"H-how did y-you-" I stutter, glaring at the boy. He wipes his mouth and gets up.

"You don't seem too worried. Why is that?" He sneers. I snap, grabbing him by the collar and pin him against the wall. Tohru gasps and calls my name again.

"Listen to me, you little snot," I snarl. "I don't know how you found out, but you aren't going to say anything to anyone! Understand?" I'm yelling now. My secret is at stake. Hiro glares.

"Fine. Just put me down." I drop him and he lands on his feet. Kisa runs over to him, squealing.

"Hiro-chan, are you okay? Are you hurt?" Hiro brushes her off with an "I'm fine."

I turn to Tohru, who looks frightened.

"K-Kyo-kun…I…I-" But I cut her off.

"That had nothing to do with you. So…" I can't think of anything else to say and walk past her towards the stairs. She stares after me, searching my retreating form for something I won't give up.

Shigure pops up to the side of me, out of his study.

"What's-" He stops when he sees Hiro, one side of his face red, being helped up by Kisa. Tohru shifts uncomfortably. I swiftly turn around and head to my room. When I get to it, I walk in and try to shut the door, but Shigure appears behind me and puts his hand on it. I glare at him.

"Why did you do that?" He asks.

"That brat knew. He almost told the whole fricken world!" I snarl. I'm so pissed I can't think straight. "That's why. How does he know?"

Shigure looks mildly surprised, but then the expression disappears.

"When you live at the main house, you hear a lot of things, Kyo. I suspect most people know."

"Well I don't want Tohru finding out, alright? Just keep your goddamn mouth shut!" I yell. I try to yank the door out of his hand, but it stays steadfast. I look up and see that strange expression.

"What are you hiding?" He asks. I am taken aback.

"I'm not hiding anything," I say, confused.

"So you won't give up?" He asks. He's smiling, a strange smile.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" I snarl and yank the door from his grasp, slamming it shut.

I hear Shigure outside my door.

"Who…would give up?"

_...I'll __**never**__ give up. _

* * *

The rain pours outside, tapping softly against the roof. All I can see are droplets streaking down my window. I ghost my fingertips across the glass and shiver. The color is the same of the round, slate eyes of Yuki.

I lay my forehead against the glass and shut my eyes.

Those eyes of his distract me from normal thought. Through all the years of knowing him, I never bothered to find out. I was too selfish, too stupid. I never cared, lied to myself. And now it could be too late.

It's been too long. It's been hours. It wouldn't matter except-he didn't call. That one predictable streak in Yuki made me know. He would of called, for Tohru.

I glance at my alarm clock. It read 1:14 AM in bright, square red numbers. I stare at it for a long, long time. I get up, slide my closet open, and grab my jacket. I walk towards the door and open it slowly, making sure it doesn't creak. I step out lightly.

The moon shines on the stairs, making them seem like ethereal destiny. I walk down them lightly and jump the last four, because they creak. I land on all fours.

I step into my shoes, glance around the kitchen, and make towards the door. The shoji rattles slightly. When I open it, the wind seems to be trying to suck me out into it's chilling grip. My hair blows back as specks of rain fly onto my face. I close the door and stare into the moon. A cloud drifts across it, covering the land in darkness. It's an eerie darkness.

I ignore the moon, and run out into the dim trees.

_I have a feeling._

_I don't know what to call it, but…_

_Something is spreading through my chest…_

_Up to my throat…_

_Trying to come out._

_I have a feeling._

_A feeling that I just can't…_

_Put into words._

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Six-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	7. 7

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it. Will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** SAT's SUCK!!

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Seven-**Begin

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

_I was scared._

_I wanted to run._

_I wanted to run…but…_

_But…_

_I also…_

_Wanted to change._

* * *

I run into the gates, wrapping my hands around the square-shaped bars and rattling them, but they stand strong. I glare at it and push the sweaty wet hair out of my eyes. They fall over the nameplate.

_**Sohma**_.

How fucking ironic.

I try to scrabble over the doors, but the stone is completely smooth, probably to prevent morons like me trying to gatecrash. I notice the post that supports the shallow roof and I wrap by extremities around it and scramble up, before leaping and grabbing the shingles of the roof by my fingertips. I hoist myself up and drop soundlessly on the other side, glancing around and walking stealthily towards Akito's private quarters. He has the whole west side to himself. Selfish bastard.

I step up onto the deck out of the carefully decorated gardens. Nothing creaks here. The doors are always open, and I walk into the hallway. They are lit dimly by candlelight, and I don't know which way to go. Both ways seem eerie and never-ending, like hallways in nightmares. I go to the right.

I force my legs to keep walking. What if he's not here? I'm risking my ass for that goddamn…!

I freeze, like an animal caught in the headlights. My feet are glued to the floor. There's someone there. Someone only a few feet in front of me. It's too tall to be Akito, but their face is hidden in shadow. They step forward, and the faint orange glow shows me a face I have seen only once.

Kureno.

"You shouldn't be here." His voice is quiet, but not afraid. I think he's equally shocked to see me here creeping around Akito's quarters like some thug. He looks exactly the same as when I saw him, a few years ago at the new year's celebration. It was only a glimpse, his face quickly turning away from my eyes.

"Where's Akito?" I rasp.

"You shouldn't be here." He says this with a little more effort. My eyes narrow. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters except him. I take a step forward, but Kureno stands his ground. Hopefully I'm intimidating him.

"Where is he?"

Kureno and I stare at each other for what seems like minutes. His eyes search mine, and I know he's trying to figure me out. I try my best not to blink. He slowly turns his head to the side, looking over his shoulder. For a minute I am clueless to what he is doing, but when he stays like that for several seconds, I shift and walk past him, inclining my head slightly.

I look back over my shoulder to look at him, but there's no one there. He's come and gone like a shadow. I instantly grow wearier of him, but he did give me a bit of hope, that I'm walking in the right direction. But am I really?

My ears suddenly catch a sound…someone's singing… I round a corner to see shoji-blocked room. There is a sliver of light coming from the door crack. I recklessly yank open the door. The humming stops immediately, and I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise. Every muscle in my body is tense. The back of Akito's head is still. He's staring out at the moon, a single candle on the floor next to him. He slowly turns his head around, his hair shadowing most of his face. He looks like a madman. I open my mouth, but he cuts me off.

"What are _you_ doing here? You _filth_!"

I glare at him and clench my fist.

"How dare you look at me!"

"Where is he?" My voice is shaking. Akito stops talking and his eyes widen. I take a step forward.

"_Where is he_?" I yell.

"You _fool_! It's _his_ fault…_It's all his fault_!" He's screaming, starting to stand up.

I run out, past the long walls, the mirrors, the fire. Until I see the black doors. And without even knowing how I know it, I know he's there. I try to pull them back, but they are locked from the outside, bordered up with long pieces of wood. What the hell...?

I rip off the wood one by one, my nails bending back, the wood splintering under my hands. I take off the padlock, and with a great heave, I slide the heavy ebony doors back. The single beam of light burst through the room and for a moment I can't see anything. As I wait for my eyes to adjust, I hear gasping.

In the far corner of the room, I can see Yuki slumped against the wall, his arms around his knees. He looks up, but I can tell he can't see me. He groans and clutches his body further. I walk over to him and see a pool of blood seeping from underneath him. Welts crawl up his upper arms and I can see the sticky red through his shirt. He starts mumbling nonsense words.

"Yuki," I say fiercely, "Yuki, it's all right. I'm gonna get you out of here, okay? C'mon, get up." His eyes swivel to my face and he holds them there for a few soundless seconds. I try to grab his arm but he yanks it away with surprising force, driving himself further against the wall in an attempt to escape me. I grab his shoulder, and he lets out animalistic snarl and lashes out at me, trying to fight me off.

"Stop, it's me!" I say, fending off his blows with my arms as best I can, my impatience to be out of here as fast as possible at a boiling point, "It's Kyo!"

He surges forward and clutches his throat, wheezing sounds emitting from his mouth.

"Shit! Breathe, Yuki, just calm down! It's all right! Come _on_!" I grab him under his arms and heave him up, which is surprisingly easy. Blood smears from his face to my neck. I glance down and see a cut under his eye swelling rapidly.

"Make an _effort_, damn rat, I can't carry your ass the whole way home!" I snarl, as he seems to give up on walking. His legs move unsteadily, slipping on the bloody floor. I haul him out through the doors, and I freeze as I see Akito at my left, standing with a twisted face, screaming.

"Get out…._get out_!" But he is blocking the way I came from. I turn and half-run to the end of the hall, dragging Yuki, but all there is is a window.

"Shit!" I yell, trying to open the thing, but it's stuck fast. I growl and shove my elbow through it, cutting it up pretty bad. I unceremoniously put Yuki through it headfirst and drop him on the ground. I climb up on the sill and jump out into the ringing rain of glass.

I scoop him up and carry him, trying to go fast, but he's slowing me down. I can feel his tight grip loosen, and I look down into his eyes. He's staring at the sky. I can see the moonlight reflected in them. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.

_Poof!_

I jump back as a cloud of smoke envelops me. I bat my hands through the air to clear the smoke, careful not to step on him. I find the rat. His fur is caked in blood, but at least his breathing is slowing down. I pick him up gently around his middle and grab his clothes, then sprint back towards the house. It's a good ten minutes before I even see the porch light flickering through the trees.

I enter the house slowly and close the door quietly, turning behind the stairs to the first floor bathroom. I flick the lights on and for a while all I see is green. I lock the door behind me. I don't need Shigure seeing this.

I place the rat on the couter and get a towel out. My hands are shaking as I fill the sink with warm water. I start cleaning him off. Every time I wash the towel out, the sink water turns a deeper shade of red. Finally when all the fur is bloodless, I wrap him in a dry towel and empty the sink. I even wash it out so the blood won't stain. Then I shut the lights back off and feel my way up the stairs to Yuki's room.

I open the door and glance around at the plainness of everything. I walk over to the bed and lay the rat down on his stomach, staring at it for the longest time. With another resounding and surprising _poof_, he changes back.

"There's no way in hell I'm gonna put your clothes on for you, damn rat." But my eye catches on his back. With horror I realize that someone has carved something into Yuki's back. It's mutilated and slashed open. I lean over.

鉱山

I stare in shock and disgust.

"_God damn it_!" I swear and sit down on Yuki's chair. I put my hands over my face and breathe in deeply. I open one eye and peek at the wound. I didn't like the thought of it being open to the elements. But I figure I've done enough for him to last a lifetime tonight. The rat can lick his own wounds…

I get up and push all my emotions back, and grab Yuki's blankets and cover him with it. For a moment I have a flashback of my own mother tucking me in.

She put me in bed and covered me with a warm blanket. I felt at so much peace when she was around. I loved her so much.

"_Mommy_…"

She glanced at me.

"_I love you, mommy_."

She stopped at the doorway and looked back at me. I had never seen her look at me like that, things flashing in her eyes. She turned off the light and closed the door without a word. She never tucked me in again.

I sit down again and rest my head on my knees, ignoring the emotions that accompanied thoughts of mother. All in all it came down to one question. Why did I do it? Why did I save Yuki?

Is this what he had to go through every time Akito summoned him? Is this what happens? I was repulsed by the thought. That sick son of a bitch!

Now…maybe now I'm beginning to understand Yuki. Whenever he comes home from Akito's he acts likes nothing's wrong. But why does he? Maybe he's stronger than I ever realized. Stronger than me, that's for sure.

I leave to take a shower before going to bed. I can't think about this any longer.

_I…don't want to see._

_I don't want… to think about anything._

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

Ashes**-Chapter Seven-**End

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	8. 8

**Disclaimer-** I do not own fruits basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Hello, hello. I'm kind of depressed. Bleh. But depression aside, it's the chapter you've all been waiting for! Ah ha ha! W00t! That cheered me up! And to all those who wondered what was carved on Yuki's back, it was the Kanji for the word "mine".

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

**Ashes-Chapter Eight-Begin**

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

_You are not…a tool._

_You are not alone…_

…_Anymore._

* * *

When I wake up, everything feels like it's on fire. It burns and festers and I sit up, grunting. I bring my shaking hands to my face and feel it, flinching when I pass over a bruise.

Slowly I move every extremity, making sure nothing is broken or sprained. I take a sharp intake of breath when I feel a nasty throb from my back. Immediately I stand up to see I was in my own room. To be frank, it scares me worse then ever. It seems closed and small, and I swing my legs over my bed only to realize I'm naked. I frown as I try to remember what happened.

That voice…pushing me…telling me… 

I twist around at the door, and get up to hurry towards my closet. I yank on some random clothing and stumble past my room, limping. I lean on the wall to catch my breath, trying to slow my breathing down. I can't get an attack here.

I move towards the other end of the hall, walking quicker and ignoring the pains shooting through my body. I thrust it open and look wildly for the orange hair- he's sprawled out on his bed. He jerks up and looks around haphazardly, squinting and rubbing his eyes.

"Wuzgoinon?" He mumbles. I close the door. Then his ruby eyes fall on me.

"Kyo?"

"Whu- what are you doin' in my room?" He frowns, starting to wake up.

"What happened last night?" My voice is scratchy and thin.

"Eghn…" He blinks.

"What happened last night, Kyo?" My voice breaks, much to my displeasure. He frowns and looks away.

"What are you babbling about?" He says softly, yawning. I start to get angry.

"I have a right to know why I'm no longer at the main house!"

"Well, maybe they dropped you back off here, stupid!" His tones rising.

"Shut up! I remember you there!" I yell, not bothering to keep my voice down. I see his face contort.

"I just got you out of there, alright? God damn!" He snarls.

I freeze.

…_why?_

He twists away from me, grasping his blankets tightly. I can't handle the silence. I reach towards the door.

"That's it?" I hear his voice. It's strangled.

"What," I ask softly, "Did you want me to thank you?" I start to get irritated for no reason I can think of.

"Well, seeing as how I risked my ass, that would be nice!" He bites out, turning his head at me. His eyes are narrowed. They remind me of some wild beast. For a moment I say nothing.

"I could of handled myself!" I yell, and slam the door on my way out. The pain is making me weak. I have to get in my room. When I finally make it I push the door closed and slump against my wall.

…_why?_

* * *

That bastard! The fucking _nerve_! I can't believe I saved his sorry ass! He can't even _thank_ me? How cocky and arrogant can he _get_?

I slam around my room, putting on my school uniform even though it's only five in the morning. When I get down to the kitchen I find I am far too angry to eat, and instead step into my shoes and yank the laces tight. I stand in the doorway and turn around.

"_Sleep tight, asshole!_"I yell at the top of my lungs, and then slamming the door so hard that it breaks, I walk down the steps. I probably woke up everyone in the whole goddamn house. Good.

* * *

When I get to school it's still dark, and hardly anyone is there.

"Kyo…" I hear a dreamy voice behind me. I freak out when I see who it is.

"Argh! Hanajima, do you ALWAYS have to sneak up on me?" I yell, my heart beating fast.

She stares at me for a minute, reading me like she always does.

"You are…so angry. But I can see…a tiny light...Can you see it, Kyo?"

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?" I snarl. Can people talk to me in a language I understand?

"I'm sure…that you'll understand in the end. You'll see…soon. Very soon. I…I am happy for you." She gives one of her serene smiles. I frown in confusion.

"I'll see you later, Kyo." She walks away placidly to the direction of homeroom, her long black braid trailing behind her. I stare after her. She doesn't make sense…but what she said…

I snap out of my reverie.

* * *

During class that damn teacher keeps telling me to pay attention. Yuki is in front of me, so I'm trying my best not to stare at him. Why did he come to school anyway? I think he had a good enough excuse to stay home. When he walks I can pick up the limp he's trying to cover, or when he flinches when he touches something.

The lunch bell rings, and I try to get out of there, but I'm stopped by Tohru's voice. I hope she isn't going to interrogate me again about leaving early and not eating. Which my stomach has been so kindly reminding me of.

"Kyo-kun, won't you come eat lunch with us? We all can eat together today!" She chirps I glance at the ribbon in her hair-it's the one Yuki gave her on White day.

"I'm not eating with that damn Yuki!" I snarl. I see Tohru's face fall.

"Oh…that's o-" She starts, but I cut her off, blushing.

"Alright, jeez, I'll eat with you. I can't stand you making that face!" I yell, and trudge angrily after her and her constant thanks, hoisting my bag farther up my shoulder. I walk past the squealing girls and guys outside where I see the yankee, the goth, the damn rat, the annoying rabbit and the white ox. I groan.

I sit my ass down next to Tohru and she pulls out my lunch. I stuff the food down my throat as fast as I can.

"Show some manners and eat like a human being." Yuki scoffs. My eyes narrow.

"I AM a human being!" I yell. How _dare_ he bring this up, even if it is in context? I hear Uotani snort with laughter.

"Don't get so worked up, Orangey. Chill out once in a while. You're so damn touchy." I twitch.

"What was that, Yankee? I'll kill you!"

"Kyo's always like that!" Momiji twittered, looking draggy in his girls uniform, "He's got to be calm or the girls won't like him!"

"Really…" Haru's voice broke my progressing noogie, "Rin _liked_ it rough…a mystery…"

"We don't need to hear about your personal life!" Yuki yells, blushing and covering a confused Tohru's ears.

I sit down in defeat.

"I can't take this anymore…ugh…" I catch Hanajima smiling at me. I frown and look away, only to see Yuki staring at me.

"What?" I snarl. Yuki narrows his eyes.

"Don't look at me, stupid. I'm sick of your face."

…_Why?_

Flames of hurt pass through me. I don't want to be hurt by Yuki. I want to be angry and retort back, not shrink into myself. I almost forgot how weak I am. Sometimes I do forget.

Most days however, it's simply another item on my list of quiet regrets.

To my displeasure, I can tell Yuki sees the pain in my eyes, so I try and cover up.

"You-you, shut up! I don't want to hear your voice! I…" I can't think of anything else to say and storm off, embarrassed and angry. Screw this. I can't believe he's so ungrateful. I should have left him with Akito.

* * *

"Ah! Kyo-kun! Thank you so much for coming to pick me up!" Tohru walks quickly towards me with her usual brown bag, out of the building that she works at.

"No problem." I say, turning to go home.

"You and Yuki-kun are so kind!" My face hardens at the name. Tohru's brow wrinkles.

"Um…Kyo-kun…did you and Yuki-kun have a fight?" She says cautiously.

"What else is new? He's so goddamn high and mighty." I say, glaring at the ground. We begin to cross the street. She starts talking again.

"Kyo-kun…if your not happy…you can tell me. If you don't like the place your in…I can help you to try and get out." I look at her as we walk, and my face softens. I have a pulling feeling to hug her. I'm lonely, too alone.

"Yeah. I guess I'll never be happy with where I am so long as I keep thinking of where I could have been, huh?" Tohru listens for a minute, and then I see tears well in her eyes.

We have long since entered the forest that leads to the house. I stop and grab her by the shoulders.

"Don't start!" I say, sounding desperate. But she speaks in a fragile voice.

"I don't know what it is, Kyo-kun, b-but something is b-bothering you! Ever since that day you came back from Akito-san's! I want so badly to help you, but-but I can't do anything!" She drops to her knees and wipes her eyes fitfully on the back of her arms, tears streaming down her face and plopping on the dirt.

"No…no, I didn't…Tohru." I kneel down and hold her face. "Don't you cry for me. Akito always has that affect on people."

"No, Kyo-kun, he doesn't! He didn't do this to you last time! He-he did something horrible…I…I know it's so rude to think of Akito-san that way…but…but I just…" She hiccups. This can't go on. I wont allow it.

"Tohru. Tohru! _Tohru_!" I say, at last getting her attention. "Akito…he thinks he can play God. But he can't. He's not. He's just a human. Like me. Or Yuki."

"The curse doesn't matter. It can't change the fact that he is just another human. No matter how much he wants it to change…I guess…" I frown. "To him people's lives are just games he can play with. The way Akito sees the world is, innocents die, the world's full of corruption, and dreams can be more weapons than pleasure."

I see Tohru's eyes widen at my speech, and I blush. I was being cheesy. She smiles tearfully.

"Oh, Kyo-kun, I-I'm so glad you know that you are a human…you aren't the cat, Kyo-kun, you are just like me or anyone else. You're _not_ an animal! You have feelings…and-and you can love, and feel sad, and be _happy_! I-I'm so glad I met you on that day Kyo-kun, because you are one of the best people I know! I, I _love_ you, Kyo-kun." She starts crying harder than ever.

I look down.

"I'm glad…that I met you too, Tohru." She gazes into my eyes. I smile. "More than you'll ever know."

I stand up and offer her my hand, which she takes and begins to walk by my side. We're silent for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts.

I see lights glimmering through the trees. As we step up on the deck, the door opens and I see Yuki walking through it toward us. He looks worried and his eyes widen at the site of us.

"Honda-san! I'm sorry I'm late! I was just about to pick you up!"

"Well, I got her. Is that all right? Is it _okay_ that I picked her up for once?" Yuki looked taken aback.

"Yeah, it's fine. I was just telling her…" Tohru looks between us, and I see a flicker of hope.

"I'm taking a walk!" I yell, and turn on my heel and storm off into the forest. As soon as the door closes I start kicking stones and I shove my hands in my pockets. I sense that I hurt Yuki when I snapped at him. So what? He was…_is_ such a bastard to me…

* * *

"I'm sorry if I worried you, Honda-san." I say quietly.

"Maybe you should talk to him…not that you have to, but…we talked…on the way home. Kyo-kun…is very wise." She looks at me with shining eyes. I flash a false smile. But my thoughts stray to Kyo.

Did I have to be so cruel to him? I couldn't even thank him. It must be so painful to be scorned all your life. I didn't have to add to that. I clench my fists as Honda-san goes in the kitchen to prepare breakfast for tomorrow. I listen to the clinking of dishes for a minute, and then point my feet outside.

* * *

I hear footsteps, crunching.

"Who's there?" I ask, annoyed. Any goddamn burglar is going to get his ass kicked.

"It's me." I hear Yuki speak in that perfect, placid voice.

"What the hell do you want?" I growl, crossing my arms and turning away. I hear him pause and take a deep breath.

"…I never thanked you for helping me." He comes quietly. I blanch at the word "helping", but I feel triumph rush through me.

"A _ha_! So princess Yuki is finally thanking someone! You'd better get down on your friggen _knees_ and thank me-"

It was soft. I didn't expect it to be soft, barely there, a soft pressure. I was expecting a hit, a blow. I wasn't used to this softness. I would have much preferred him to hit me, because, well, _that's_ what I understand.

I do not understand why Yuki is pressing his lips to mine.

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

**Ashes-Chapter Eight-End**

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	9. 9

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Hey guys. My life is sooo confusing and awkward right now. I'm living between houses and still have to update from school, so it's really hard! Noooo! I dun wanna go to school! Noooooo! T.T

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

**Ashes-Chapter Nine-Begin**

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

…_why?_

* * *

I see pale skin and thick lashes close to me face. I feel his warm breath on my mouth and a tiny press of lips. It's all blank.

It didn't register. I had no idea what he was doing, or why. I just knew that I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't breath.

I guess I'm in shock. When I finally feel him break away, I can't blink and just stare at him. He's looking into my eyes. The shadows cast from his eyelashes makes him seem alive, but not alive. He stays for a few seconds, and then turns. I don't remember how I got to the ground, but I guess I collapsed. I lean on my knees staring at the dead leaves for about five minutes.

"…WHAT THE _HELL_?"

It all comes back to me in a rush of memories, and I push an invisible Yuki away. But then I remember that I stayed still and let him kiss me. He…HE FUCKING KISSED ME? My whole face is burning.

But…but…how? Why? I'm not a fucking fag! What the hell did he mean by it? Why _me_? Why did he _kiss_ me?

"…_I never thanked you for saving me."_

That was his way of _thanking_ me? What the fucking _hell_? He…he KISSED ME? WHAT…THE…HELL??????

I don't know how long I was out there, but it must have been hours. I thought the same thoughts of outrage and fury over and over.

THAT DAMN RAT! HE'S JUST TRYING TO CONFUSE ME!! WHAT DID THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING MEAN?

That's it! Not one more second of this! I'm going to fucking find out what that GODDAMN rat is _up_ to!

I storm up deck and slam the shoji aside, ignoring Shigure's whine and the soft T.V babble and march strait up into the second floor, and raise my hand to Yuki's door.

I am about to hammer on it when suddenly my mind conjures up an image. Yuki, his lips, soft lips, on mine.

I snap out of it. I can't believe just thought of that! I stay frozen, my arm raised, by face on fire. I twist around and stomp in the direction of the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

After a long, long shower, where I scrubbed my face excessively, I lay down in my bed, turning red again as I think of what happened. I try to sort everything out in my mind, but that's pretty much impossible.

Okay. Okay. Let's keep it simple. I saved Yuki from Akito's. Because…well…I don't know! Then Yuki didn't thank me. Then I got angry. Then he said he was going to thank me. And then he kissed me.

_Aaarrgghhh_! That's what you do to a _girl_! To _Tohru_, maybe, not ME! I'm not a fucking fag. But…a HA! Maybe Yuki is! I knew he was, that little gayball, with his pretty face! But…I'm not like him!

Unless…unless he thinks I am! But I'm not femmy at all! I'm all man! Does…DOES YUKI LIKE ME? OH _GOD_, THAT'S _DISGUSTING_!

I swear to god my face is going to be permanently red.

* * *

…_why?_

…_the truth is…_

…_I really don't know._

* * *

I hear a soft tapping on my door and it shakes me from my thoughts.

"Um…Kyo-kun? Are you awake? May I come in?" It's just Tohru. I sigh in relief.

"Yeah."

The door opens, and she walks in, all dressed for school.

"Kyo-kun, why aren't you ready for school yet? N-not that I want to sound accusing, but you usually get up early…so…oh no, Kyo-kun! Are you feeling all right? D-do you feel sick? Oh, no! It's spreading around; it's from walking me home last night, isn't it? Ahhh!!"

"Shut up. I'm completely healthy. There is just no way in hell I'm going to school today." Tohru stops and looks at me questionably. I sigh in frustration.

"I'm playing hooky." I explain, turning towards the wall. Tohru brightens up.

"Oh! Okay, I'm so glad you aren't sick! I mean, everyone needs a day off every once in a while, I just thought you were sick! I mean, because Yuki-kun's not feeling well, and he's not going to school either-"

I fly up from the bed, rip open my closet, yank my uniform on, and walk past a dumbfounded Tohru and out of the house.

* * *

When I finally get home from school, I go around the front and climb up the tree outside my bedroom. I yank the window open and slip in. I look around for something to do, but seeing as how I stayed at school and finished my homework, that's impossible. I also cleaned the classroom, re-organized my locker five times, and did all of my make-up work. After I could find no more excuses to stay there any longer, I took the long way home.

My face heats up as again I think of Yuki. But…somehow…I…I kind of…GAH! NO NO NONONONONO! I WON'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE! NOTHING! ARRRGHHHSHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!

Despite my nonsense words, my mind conjures up the image of last night. But this time I am not a frozen stalagmite, but I am also closing my eyes, my arms reaching up-

"AAARRRGHHH!!" I begin to bang my head against the wall. My door flies open. For a second of pure horror I think it's Yuki. Then I begin to wish it _were_ Yuki.

"My, my, Kyonkichi. You look like you've got a fever! And what's all this racket?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?" I scream as I see Ayame close my door and dance into my room.

"A ha ha ha! I am _so_ glad to see you too! So, so tell me! What happened?" He sits down on my bed.

"What are you talking about? Get out of my room, you damn annoying-!"

"Come now, Kyonkichi! You've got a face of a tomato! Did…did someone tell you they love you? Oh, _Kyonkichi_, IM SO _HAPPY_ FOR YOU!!" He sweeps me into a hug.

"Get off of me! You don't know what you're talking about!" I spit, wrestling out of his arms. I make towards the door, seething and sweaty. This conversation is making me nervous out of my mind.

"But really, in all seriousness, I am a love doctor!" He flips his long white hair aside and stares at me. "You don't have to tell me _all_ the details, but I _do_ get the feeling that you're a little bit _confused_. I can help you, Kyo!" he reaches out to me dramatically. I have my hand on the door, and glare back at him. I think for a few seconds, my mind racing. I slam the door shut and sit down on the ground.

"Is Yuki or Shigure here?"

"Nope! Yuki said he was going out for a bit when I came over! And Gure-san went to the main house! I thought I'd surprise him when he gets home!"

"You've got to swear to me you won't breathe a word of this to anyone!" My voice is serious, and my eyes narrow, searching him. He smiles pointedly back at me.

"And I fucking mean it! I will KILL you, Ayame!" I growl. Ayame glows.

"Oh, no, Kyonkichi! You're opening up to me! I…I'm so touched! Uwaaahhh!"

"Ayame!"

"If it's important to you, Kyon, then it will stay safe with me." He smiles placidly and slides off my bed to sit with me. I turn red again as I think of what I'm going to say.

"W-w-well…there's…someone…well…" I put my head in my hands and growl.

"Okay! We're definitely getting somewhere!" Ayame exclaims happily, clapping his hands together.

"Shut. Up."

"How about I guess, and you nod or shake your head? Not too hard, ne?" Ayame suggested. I glare at him.

"Fine."

"Okay! This is going to be so much fun!…okay….I know! Someone likes you!"

"I don't know." I blush again.

"Someone confessed their love to you!"

"No!"

"Hm…considering…a HA! Did someone kiss you?" I tilt my head down in my knees in shame. I make a muffled affirmative.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!" Ayame sings and prances in a circle, turning red in excitement. He puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Congratulations, Kyo-kun! This must be so dramatic for you!" I raise my head up, sweating like a bastard.

"No kidding. But I…that's all they did. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You didn't transform?" Ayame asked me with his lips pursed.

"Obviously not! I'm not that irresponsible!" I snarl.

"OH MY GOD! IT WAS A GUY? YOU PLAY FOR THE OTHER TEAM?"

"NO!" I yell, blushing harder than ever.

"They just kissed me out of the fucking blue and walked away! We've hardly ever spoken, and we hate each other!" For good measure, because Ayame wasn't as dense as he seemed, "She's usually a total bitch!" Ayame stared at me for a minute, then put his long fingers together. I grew nervous.

"Its not Tohru-kun, is it?" He asked seriously.

"Hell _no_! Would I call _her_ a bitch, stupid?" I scowl.

"Well…it seems you have an enemy that's fallen in love with you! Kyo-kun! Do you have any idea how _romantic_ this is?" His eyes fill with tears. "Illicit love, forbidden fruit, enemy romance-"

"What should I do about it?"

"Well, that's so obvious, Kyo-kun! You should ask her about it tomorrow! I'm assuming she's from school, right?"

"Yes, she's from school, but-"

"Oooh! Is she pretty?" He squeals.

"No!" I yell, clenching my fists. "But I can't ask her! I'm already mortified beyond all belief!

"Sooo? You'll never find out unless you ask! A-duh!"

I grimace, and grab my hair.

"There's nothing else I can do?" I ask grumpily.

"You _could_ ignore her for the rest of your life, but seeing as how you're going to be going to school every day…NOPE! YOU'RE STUCK!"

"Thanks for NOTHING, Ayame! Now get out! And not a word to _anyone_!" He jumps up and pats me on the head.

"Ahh…adolescence…" He looks dreamy as he flounces out and shuts the door, giggling. I lay down on my face. Goddamn it. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

* * *

After Ayame leaves, I get up. It's almost time that Tohru gets off work. I jump out of my window and screw up the landing.

"GOD _DAMMIT!_" I screech, holding my ankle. I test it out gingerly and limp away, cursing.

When I get there, I'm a bit early. I pocket my hands and scrape my feet against the gravel.

How the hell am I supposed to talk to Yuki? 'Hey, are you in love with me?' Ha! I'd rather _die_!

"Good evening, Kyo-kun!" I glance up reproachfully. Tohru smiles at me, and we begin to walk home.

We are silent until we cross the street.

"Kyo-kun? Did Yuki talk to you last night?" My nerves shoot through the roof and I turn away to hide my furiously burning face.

"N-ye-we- I don't know! Don't talk to me about that!" I say nervously. Tohru raises her eyebrows in a worried manner.

"Oh. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it, Kyo-kun. I mean…I'm here. You know that." She smiles at me.

"D'you-…you want us to get along better, yeah?" I ask her. I stare determinedly at the ground.

"Yes! That would be wonderful!" She looks up with a wide grin.

"I…don't think that's going to happen. Just don't get your hopes up." I stare ahead so I can't see her face.

"Kyo-kun…you should do…what you feel is best…"

* * *

When we get back to the house. Tohru speaks again as we enter.

"I made dinner already, Shigure-san and Yuki-kun should have heated it up already, I hope they didn't wait for me! Oh, but of course they would have waited for you, Kyo-kun! Don't get me wrong!"

I suddenly remember. It hits me like a gong.

Yuki's in there. Ooohhh shit. Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.

Most unfortunately I have to pass through the kitchen to get up the stairs, and I can't go around. He's probably in his room anyway. I think I'm going to pass out, I'm breathing so fast. Okay. Calm down. Just calm down. CALM DOWN!

Tohru enters the kitchen, and I follow close behind her, looking at the wall. I hear her call out her greetings.

"Good evening, Shigure-san! Good evening, Yuki-kun!" I freeze, but I'm already in the doorway. I can feel Yuki's eyes on me. Ooooooooooohhshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

"Did Ayame-kun leave already? I thought he was going to stay for dinner."

"Ah! Yes, he had to go back to the main house."

I see the door on the other side of the room. But I have to pass the table, be closer to Yuki, to do it. I desperately try and hide my scarlet face.

Just walk a few feet, that's all it takes. Why should I be embarrassed by that fucking rat?

I stride over, past him, not looking at him at all, blushing like a madman. I think I'm going to faint. The tension is unbearable, and for some reason everything seems in slow motion. I finally reach the door.

"Ah! Kyo-kun! Aren't you hungry?" Tohru comes.

"No!"

"B-but…you didn't eat anything this morning!

"I said-" But I am interrupted by Shigure.

"Oh my! You look terrible Kyo-kun! Did something happen? You look like you've just confessed your love!"

"SHUT UP!" I scream. "I'll eat, just shut up!" I walked past Yuki again, not looking at him. I sit down harshly in the only seat, the seat across from Yuki.

I pick up my chopsticks and promptly drop them. I keep my face down so no one can see me blushing, but I don't think it's working. I pick them up again self-consciously, knowing EVERYONE is staring at me. Every hair on my body is standing on end. My stomach is on the floor. I can't look up. I CAN'T look up. Definitely not looking up. Not. Not going to look up.

I look up.

His slate eyes are staring at me with that look of neutrality and slight disdain. The look he _always_ has. This time I know my face will give me away.

"Arrgghh!" I stand up and walk to the Shoji that leads outside, and slam them apart. I kick the door open and run around the house, up to the ladder that leads to the roof.

I gasp and wheeze when I reach my destination. That was horrible! The worst torture _ever_! Just kill me now, why don'cha?

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び

**Ashes-Chapter Nine-End**

聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び


	10. 10

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I was seriously high when I wrote this chapter. You know, tongue lolling out, dilated pupils, mindless babbling, staring off into space, random muscle twitches, and the inevitable drooling. Well, it was more a _part_ of the chapter. Make that a very _specific_ part. I had a loooot of fun writing that part. Aye-yah!

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Ten-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

I'm not gay. Nope, not me. Not Kyo Sohma, epitome of the manly man. I've _never_ liked guys. So why do I think…that I…

No, I _couldn't_ have LIKED it! It was shameful and embarrassing! I'm rightfully outraged!

_Then why,_ came a voice in my head, _haven't you confronted Yuki yet?_

What? Because I don't feel like seeing that damn rat! He should have come and found me first!

_You're too weak to even look in his face. You're so pathetic._

Give me a break! It doesn't work! I mean, I like Tohru, for Chrissake. NOT Yuki. I hate that damn rat. I HATE him. His arrogance and perfection. How he thinks he's better than me!

_I hate Yuki!_

_And I _like_ hating him!_

_I wonder why?_

_You speak as though you are obligated to hate him._

_But your eyes…_

_Your eyes tell me a different story._

_They tell me…_

_That you're afraid to find out._

Shut up! I don't want to hear it anymore!

It's not my fault. It's not my fault!

It's the rat's fault! He was the one who tricked me! The dirty, scheming rat!

"Oiiiiiii." I jump and turn from my place on the roof, to see Shigure climbing up the ladder. He grimaces at me, and then steps on his kimono and trips.

"Aauugh! Kyo-kun, save me!" He puts the back of his hand to his forehead and lays there. When his cry falls on my deaf ears, he gets up and plops down next to me, exhaling loudly.

"I've never been up here. It's quite lovely. Maybe I'll make it my new hangout spot!"

When I don't answer, he speaks again.

"Kyo-kun, I want an honest answer, and don't tell me 'nothing'. It's obvious that it's 'nothing'." I glare at him.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I glance over at him and see he's looking up and the night sky. I swallow and clasp my hands together. The cool wind blows through my hair and I feel better.

"Do you…remember that time…when I said that…I liked hating Yuki?" He tilts his head toward me with a look of mild interest.

"Remember…what you told me?" I try again. He raises his eyebrows. "What exactly did you mean by that?" I ask softly.

Shigure smiles slowly.

"Kyo-kun, it's to be expected! I'm the _dog_, after all! I have a sixth sense about these deep things. I know for a fact, without asking anything, that you and Yuki do _not_ hate each other!" My heartbeat quickens. Did he know about last night?

"Th-that's a lie! I _hate_ Yuki! And he hates me! How could we _not_ hate each other? I'm the cat and he's the rat! We were _born_ to hate each other!"

I stop when I see Shigure, his eyes cast down and his lips slightly apart.

_Akito._

_You've done a fine job…of manipulating everything around you. _

_For your own selfish reasons._

_But I guess…I shouldn't speak for myself._

He snaps his head up and sighs heavily.

"Oh Kyo-kun! There will be a time when we are both old and wise and I will finally have your respect! Why can't you see it now?"

"See what?"

"YOU WOULDN'T _UNDERSTAND_ THE TRUTH!!" He yells dramatically.

_Kyo-kun. _

_There will be a time when we are both old and wise._

_And you will understand the truth. _

_But I…will never see you again._

"What the hell? What does that have to do with your 'sixth sense' or whatever the hell you call it? You seem pretty goddamn dense to me!" I yell.

"Weeeeelll, let's just say I'm not dense enough to notice something going on between you and Yuki!" He smiles like a smartass.

"THAT'S A LIE!"

"Ah, but Kyoooo-kun!! You avoided his eyes at dinner the whole tiiiiimme!"

"Well I didn't want him to see me like that, stupid!"

"So why _were_ you all flustered? A_HA_! Did you and Tohru-kun do something naughty in the woods?"

"_Hell no, Shigure_! Why don't you go and rip yourself another asshole!" I storm off, red again.

Shigure gives a knowing smile at me before I flip him off and disappear down the ladder.

_Kyo-kun…_

_You may not know it…_

_But I respect you._

* * *

Thank God it's the weekend. I would _definitely_ have to see Yuki at school, but when I'm here I can practice at the dojo or hide out in my room. I haven't seen him since that horrible dinner. I haven't seen much of anyone else, either.

I tried…to talk to Shishou…but I wont. I can't have him risked for my benefit. It's too late for that. It's too late…

Right now I'm reading a book. It's a western book, and I don't really get it. It's called The Catcher in the Rye. The guy swears a lot, and that's basically it. Screw it. I give up. I don't really see a plot.

I toss the book and it flaps pitifully to the floor. I want to go outside but I'm not going to risk my ass seeing Yuki.

All right.

That's _it_.

It all started…that day.

And then I went and took him from Akito. Frankly, I'm wondering why he hasn't come to call me.

But why? Because…because…

I think…

He…

Would have done the same for me.

I don't know how I know this, but I do.

But…still…I find myself thinking of Yuki almost all the time…

And I'm starting to feel…strange. When I think about him.

I have dreams…dreams with Yuki in them. Nothing sexual, or anything! But…they make me horribly depressed.

In my dreams…I can hear him screaming. He's screaming, and crying, and I can't do _anything_!

My chest feels heavy when I remember these. I can hear him begging for someone to stop.

His screams fill and echo in my head, and I cover my ears with my hands and squint my eyes shut.

I curl up in my bed as a wave of nausea comes over for me. But I'm not sick. His voice makes me want to cry and beg too. I sound so pathetic. But it does. I want to help him. Anything to make him stop.

_/…Please!/_

What did the kiss mean? And why…why do I think that I liked it? I can still feel his warm breath…and…his lips.

I frown and blush. No…no I didn't! I'm just confused! That damn rat is confusing me! Of course I'd get confused! Any normal guy would!

All right, I wont think about this anymore! I can just put it out of my mind!

_Weakling…still not going to face him?_

Shut up! I don't feel like it! That's the last thing on my lousy list of things to do!

But my eye catches someone moving. I jump off my mattress and run over to the window. Yuki.

He's walking into the forest. But it's not time to pick up Tohru yet. I guess he's just walking. Hmph. I hope that little faggot drowns.

_Weakling, weakling, weakling!_

Shut UP!

I'll show you! He will never have me bow to him!

"_Argh_!" I kick my door open and pound out of the house, in the direction Yuki was going.

* * *

I haven't seen Kyo since that dinner…he must really hate me. That stupid cat is just probably confused.

Why did I kiss him? It just seemed so perfect. Like I was meant to do that or something. It was like time fast-forwarded to that moment so it would be flawless. I just saw him, in that bronze glow, always that bronze glow. And I saw…his lips…

I don't think I was controlling my body. All I knew that I was leaning forward, wanting and burning for this one thing I desired. Before I knew it, my lips were brushing his. A simple, chaste kiss. I could feel him freeze, and I broke off, still not aware of what I had done.

I should be disgusted with myself, confused and outraged. But I'm not.

Now what will I say to him? I can't keep acting like nothings changed. Everything's changed.

I hear the wind flying next to my ear and I instinctively duck. My fighter side kicking in, I grasp the arm and hurl the body over to the ground. I quickly let go in shock when I see who it is.

"You damn rat! What the hell was that for?" He snarls and stands up immediately. His face is flushed and furious.

"Don't sneak up on me next time. You startled me." Kyo's eyes narrow dangerously.

"Oh, _I_ startled you, did I? Well, while were on the subject of startling people, why the hell don't you sit your pansy ass down and explain what in the blue fuck is going on!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I say.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about, goddammit! Don't pull your smart ass shit on me!" He is completely red by now, shaking. I turn to hide my slight flush.

"I'm sorry." I begin to walk away shamefacedly.

"What? Where are you going? Don't walk away from me!" He starts to run to catch up.

"What the hell, 'you're sorry'? I don't even get you! What the hell did you do that for? And you…you made me all screwed up!"

He waits impatiently as I walk for about a minute, staring at the ground. He opens his mouth, but I cut him off.

"I don't know why. And that's the truth. I don't know. I shouldn't have…I know I'm not making any sense. I know I've confused you, and I'm sorry. You have enough to deal with right now." I stop once we reach the clearing for the lake. The wind blows black ripples across the water. I sit down, but Kyo remains standing.

"So, that still doesn't explain why you…why you…!" He turns away quickly, blushing harder than ever. I turn away too, and stand up quickly.

"I said I'm sorry. That's what you want, right?"

"Not like this!"

* * *

As I was arguing with him, he turned to face me. The last dregs of sunset set clearly on his face, his gray eyes. I opened my mouth like a dumb fish.

"You would never understand." He began to turn around.

"Don't run away, you bastard!" I bellow.

"When have I ever run away, Kyo?" He's yelling now. "When have I ever run from the things I have to face?"

"You _don't_ have to face those things! You don't have to! You never had to! You were always too _weak_ to run! Too afraid to even try and see if the end would be better! You were _always_ like that!"

We both stay there breathing hard for several seconds.

"You're right. I am weak. I can admit to that. Do you think that wasn't obvious to me? I've known all my life I was weak and selfish!" He spun around angrily. The wind blew his silvery hair across his face like something out of a fairy tale.

_That's…_

_Not…_

_True…_

_Is it?_

_I'm sure…_

_Even I…could be…_

"Yuki!" I grab his shoulders and turn him to face me, and for a brief second I saw the sunset face. And all I know is that a white buzzing filled my brain. Beside me, black waters lapped coolly at the lakes edge.

_Don't you understand?_

_Why would you think…that it was you?_

_It was me this whole time._

_You fool._

I don't know why, perhaps would never understand why.

Maybe now I get what Yuki meant.

All I know was that I smashed my mouth against his. Angrily, violent. I don't know why, but I could feel my body craving more, clawing at my insides. My tongue fleetingly brushed against his bottom lip. My teeth scraped his mouth, wanting, longing more and more and more. I felt my whole body heat up, and a passion I had never known flowed through me like a poison. My grip on his shoulders tightened.

And then it was over. I don't know how long it had lasted, but it certainly wasn't long enough.

No shame flooded me, no embarrassment or self-hatred. The burning ache remained. And somewhere in my buzzing mind, I felt that everything was right in the world.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Ten-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	11. 11

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** As you know, I am so busy I'm gonna puke. Please don't complain about it, I'm really sorry! I moved, schools hard, SAT's, friend's dramas!

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Eleven-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Time is ever changing.

Time.

Time is fragile.

Time is abrupt, time does not stop.

Don't ask me why. I don't even know. But…I do know that I want more.

No. No, it can't be true! I hate him, have always and will always hate him.

…_why?_

I'm in reality again.

I can see him gazing at me, his mouth slightly apart. The wind suddenly stops blowing, and the trees go limp again. My eyes widen and my breath quickens. Before anyone can say anything, I turn on my heel and run.

I've got to get away.

It was never supposed to be like this.

* * *

I slept on the roof again. I didn't expect it to rain, which really pissed me off. I was going to go to the dojo. I haven't trained in a few days, and I needed to release the major stress I had acquired.

Instead I took a shower and dozed on and off in my room. The rain kept waking me up. My eyes are drooping, and suddenly I don't care about Yuki, Tohru, or anyone else for that matter. My eyes shut and I'm lulled to slumber by a sleepless malice.

* * *

I always liked evening the best out of the times of day. It's not too hot or too cold, not too busy but not completely quiet, either. Things all around me are coming to an end, people getting off from work, coming home from school. Coming home. Maybe that's why I like evening.

I hear the door leading up to the roof close and I watch the ladder intently. Who is it this time? This is my personal peace spot, thank you very much.

Wonderful. It's you-know-who. Holy shit. I kissed him. I _kissed_ him, my _male cousin_! Well, I know he's not blood related, but it's still…argh!

I sit up and sit cross-legged and stare at him reproachfully. I try to resist the instinct to jump off the roof and clear my throat silently.

"What?" I mutter in an undertone. He sits down a little ways away from me, propping his arms on his knees. For an intensely uncomfortable minute, he is completely silent.

"I thought we'd discuss the situation." Calm as ever, looking at the sunset.

"What's there to discuss?" I mutter back.

"Whatever you want to discuss." His voice leads no clue, so I plunge right in.

"I don't know! I'm not gay!" I say hotly, my head burning in embarrassment at my last sentence.

"Neither am I." He flushes. I snort in fevered frustration.

"Yeah, right! Then why did you _do_ that?"

"Last time I checked, it was mutual." He says coldly.

"Ah? Shut up! It's not my fault! You made me all screwed up!" Yuki starts to look very irritated.

"Stop talking like I forced you! Get past you ridiculous stubborn regret and have a mature conversation so we can figure this out!" I cringe at the volume of his voice.

"Keep your goddamn voice down!" I say, anxious that someone might be listening.

"Afraid of someone hearing?" He scorns.

"Of course I am! You think…what we…you think it's _normal_? Do you have any idea what would happen if _he_…if people knew?"

"Let's just calm down." A sheen of sweat is visible on his forehead. "I don't even know why I did it."

"Well I don't either!" I flush horribly. He pauses for a minute, and the wind sweeps his hair of his face. The face that I…

"We're not ready to know the reason, I guess. Maybe one day…I'll…"

"Just stop!" I stand up. I can't take it anymore.

"That's enough! I'm already ashamed! I wasn't myself! I would never have done that normally! I-" He narrows his eyes and cuts me off.

"Don't lie to yourself, stupid cat. You were completely normal."

"Do you know what we've _done_? It's not supposed to be like this! I'm the cat and you're the rat! We _have_ to hate each other!" Yuki is looking at the shingles, his fingers clenching them.

"I wonder…" He said. I watched his mouth carve out the words. "Who said…it had to be that way?"

No. What are you…suggesting? No. No, no, no. I don't want to hear it! Yuki is still staring at me. Waiting for me to say something, to realize, to come to some goddamn epiphany and admit I was _always_ wrong!

I walk away without a word.

* * *

"Kyoooo-kuuunn!"

Oh great.

"_What_?" I yell at the door.

"Someone's here to see you! Come down to the kitchen!"

"No way!"

"It's all right, Yuki's at school!"

"_SHUT UP SHIGURE!_"

I slam the door open and I hear a crack, but I ignore it angrily. I stomp down the stairs and go readily in the kitchen. But as soon as I wonder who it is, my nausea comes back. What it…what if it's Hatori?

Did…Akito say something? Did he come to get me? No…am I going to be locked up earlier?

I linger at the bottom of the stairs, breathing fast. My knees start shaking. I try to stiffen, but they're out of my control. I can see myself walking in the kitchen. I can't keep running away. I step through the threshold and with a wave of relief.

"Kagura?" She has her hair in front of her face, a cup of tea in her hand. Suddenly her shoulders shake violently, but she stays silent. I see her hand trembling as it tightens around the cup.

"Wha…what are you doing here?" I look over at Shigure, who is lounging around the table reading his newspaper, but he shrugs. Kagura begins to move, but the front door suddenly opens. I shrink instantly as I see Yuki's figure in the doorway. It's been almost a whole week since I last saw him. I am taken aback. Of all the times I've seen him, I don't think I've really _seen_ him.

Without so much as a glance at me, he walks over to the table and sets his bag down.

"Student officer duties going well?" Shigure asks him, peering over his newspaper.

"No." Yuki begins to sit down and runs a hand through his hair. "Kagura, what are you doing here?"

"Kyo-kun, sit down." Shigure motions a seat at me. I open my mouth, but think better of it and close it. I pull out the chair and sit down wearily.

"Why are you here?" I ask Kagura cautiously, not wanting to send her into a rage.

"K-kyo-kun…nn…I…I…j-just wanted t-to see you…because…" She puts her face in her hands and starts to moan and cry. I freeze, the tension with Yuki and a crying girl plus Shigure getting to me.

"Why didn't you tell, m-me, Kyo-kun? Why didn't you _say_ something? You…you only have…half a y-year left! Kyo-kun, Kyo-kun, _why_?" She slams her hands down and cries shamelessly, shrieking and sobbing as her tears splatter the table. I push everything out of my mind and narrow my eyes, looking away.

"You should have known this was going to happen Kagura." I sound eerily calm. She looks up at me, her face blotchy and tears streaming down her cheeks.

"No, Kyo-kun, you can't go! You just _can't_…Kyo-kun, _please don't go_!" She stands up shakily and stumbles toward me, throwing herself in my arms. I tense up for a minute and then relax. She's making muffled sobs into my shoulder, and I look away. I can feel her hands clinging to my shirt tightly. Was this…how Tohru was going to act? I grasp her shoulders, and pull her off me, staring into her teary eyes.

"I know…your intentions are good…but…it would be better…if you didn't come here anymore."

Her face screws up in shock.

"_How can you say that?_" She squints her eyes shut and gasps for air.

"All this time you've known, but you didn't do anything about it! Run away, Kyo-kun, _don't let them take you_! I can't live knowing your going to be in that cage for the rest of your life! I…I wont let them! They have to kill me first, Kyo-kun! I-"

"_That enough._" I say, suddenly. I stand up. "Kagura. Don't say anything to Tohru. Do me that favor."

"Kyo-kun…Kyo-kun, please don't leave me!" She slides off the chair and onto her knees. Fresh tears drip off her face.

"Please…please…Kyo-kun…ugh…" She moans and puts her head to the floor, sobbing quietly. I start to leave.

"Kyo. Don't be so cruel." I jerk my head around when I hear Yuki. He's kneeling on the floor next to her, trying to make her get up. My glare is fierce, but my face doesn't heat up.

"She just learned the news a few minutes ago. Have some decency. Do you know what she's feeling?"

"_I know_!" I yell. Kagura looks up as my scream echoes throughout the room.

"D'ya think…I've just accepted it and moved on? Do you think I can sleep at night without seeing it? _Do you think I've been happy knowing my existence is built on other peoples lives_?"

My hands are curled into fists as I shout. The whole room is quiet, and everyone is staring at me. But it's not a rude stare. Kagura covers her face with her hands and tears run off her fingers. Shigure is looking at the table with that strange expression. I can see Yuki's hand tighten on his knee. His eyes are shadowed.

"I can't…deal with this. But it's not going to change. I don't want to be reminded. Maybe I _am_ just a stupid little boy. Maybe I don't care if my remaining time is a _lie_! I don't care…as long…as long as I'm happy for the rest of my time, _I don't care_!" Kagura is clutching her heart and rocking back and forth, biting on her knuckles. I can't have this…can't deal with it.

I whip around the doorway and disappear.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Eleven-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	12. 12

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Ahh, not much to say. This chapter required a lot of energy from me, and I think it paid off.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twelve-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

_I did wish…_

_That you would stick with me wherever I ended up._

_**I won't allow it.**_

_But…I don't wish that anymore._

_I couldn't possibly wish my fate on you._

* * *

The bell rings, and I grab my stuff and begin to walk towards the classroom door. My math sensei, who is a real asshole, beings to bitch at me.

"Sohma! Sit your butt down in that chair and wait until I dismiss you!" I flick a lazy gaze back at him.

"Eat me." I walk out and can hear him screeching all the way down the hall. I go to my locker, rummaging through the horde of old schoolwork, half-eaten snacks, and books.

"Hey, Kyo." I turn to see Haru coming up behind me, naked from the waist up, his shirt hanging over his shoulder. I twitch.

"What are you doing?!"

"Hmm?"

"Put your freakin' clothes on, for God's sake! We're still in school, stupid!"

"Hnn? It was hot." He sighs and leans against the locker, spotting two first-year girls walking past, staring at his chest. He smirks.

"Hello, ladies." He says in this stupid deep voice. They squeal and giggle and one of them smacks into the wall. Once they leave, I sigh in resignation.

"Okay, whatever. What do you want?"

"You wanna hang out this weekend?" I turn to eye him suspiciously.

"Huh? Why?"

"I don't have anybody else to go with." He sounds bored as ever.

"No way. Ask that damn Yuki to go with you." I say, shaking my head.

"But he's busy." He whines.

"Cry me a river."

He frowns, and I think I've turned him black. But as I turn away, his voice floats out to me.

"I don't want to stay at the main house, Kyo." I stop for a minute.

"All right. But this better be worth my time!" I say, stalking off to walk home. I see Haru grin.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" He sings. Jeez. Don't make it look like we're gay together, moron.

* * *

When I finally get home late, due to a major shitlick who almost ran me over, I open the shoji, prepared to flop on my bed. However, I am greeted with the back of Hatori's head. He isn't drinking anything, just talking quietly with Shigure.

The dog spots me, and Hatori sees him looking over his shoulder. He glances at me, sighs, and stands up.

I didn't need to ask. I know why he's here. Shigure opens his mouth.

"Ah, Kyo-kun,-" I walk through the kitchen, and up to my room. When I get there, I allow my legs to start shaking. Shit.

I throw my bag down and change into my favorite clothes. I feel safer in them, and prepare to leave. I glance around my room. I have this weird feeling like I'll never see it again. My eye catches my desk drawer, slightly ajar. I can see my knife in there. How I would dearly like to use it now.

I leave before I lock the door and barricade myself in there. I trudge downstairs and out to the porch, walking around the gravel until I reach the carport in the back. Hatori is waiting for me, and Shigure is looking like he wants to say something.

I get in without saying a word, my eyes downcast. Hatori follows suit, turning the key. I look at Shigure.

"Bye then, Kyo-kun." His words seem to fade away, and I see his half-hearted smile falter as he quickly turns and walks into the house. This only intensifies my want to throw up. The engine revs, and Hatori pulls out of the carport.

He doesn't say anything for a minute. I am battling to ask. Am I going to be locked up sooner? I don't want to find out! My mind is screaming. No! I didn't see Tohru at all today! And- and-!

"Kyo…" I look up, my heart racing.

"Please, don't anger Akito. Please, Kyo, keep you head cool. Akito is already waiting for you to snap. All he needs is an excuse." I look down at my sweating, clammy hands. I try to speak, but my throat has closed up.

My heart jerks when we turn down the familiar driveway. All my thought is concentrated on this one thought that I wish desperately I could freeze time.

We get out, dust swirling from the cars tires. The door slams are unnaturally loud. I walk, numb, towards the west wing porch.

When we step into the icy shade, my legs nearly give way, and I stumble slightly. Hatori walks a few more steps with me lagging behind. And then we reach His private corridor. Hatori waits for me to walk up next to him. With every breath I draw, I have to fight the vomit rising up into my throat.

"Kyo," Hatori reaches out to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. I flinch reproachfully. "Remember what I told you." He stares through me for a minute, and then turns, the last particle of human warmth sliding from me.

For nearly a minute, I stay there, frozen. Wishing, praying, begging _anyone_ to come and take me away. I don't…want to go. Please. Someone, someone, _anyone_, save me. I feel my eyes burn. I blink and wish desperately I could have said goodbye.

And then, I wish that Yuki would come. He would come and everything would be better.

Somehow, he would _free_ me.

And then I began to wish that I could accept this. I am _not_ a normal guy. I was _never_ a normal guy.

I am the sacrifice made by many.

I didn't ask for it.

But I need to accept it.

Or at least, I need to pretend I can accept it. Then maybe, I could fool everyone around me. Maybe I could fool _me_.

Before I can do anything, I rush forward, and pull the door aside.

I wanted to say it.

I wanted to know it, _please_ help me make it.

"_Goodbye_."

* * *

"I'm home," I call, walking into the kitchen. "Sorry I'm late, I was walking Honda-san to work-"

Shigure is sitting at the table. For all my life, he never wavered in my image as an energetic, always joking around kind of guy. But now he's slumped over, his elbows on the table, like an old man. For a moment, a shock runs through me and I think he's crying.

"Shigure?"

He lifts his head in surprise, but his face is normal.

"Yuki-kun…I didn't hear you."

I am still in shock. The creeping feeling of anxiety starts to flood me.

"What's wrong? What's going on?" I try to keep the worried edge out of my voice. I see his brows crease momentarily as he threads his fingers together. The old black kimono hangs loose off his shoulders. He seems so frail.

I never really thought about the other zodiac members. My selfishness has prevented that. I hardly know anything about Shigure. But on those rare, rare occasions, I can see his past flash through his eyes.

At those times, I can feel his pain, like a weight in my stomach.

His lips part and he gives a small, dreamlike smile. I can feel my insides twist.

"I don't …" His soft voice takes me aback. I don't want to see Shigure like this.

I _hate_ it.

"I don't think Kyo is coming back."

My insides freeze.

"What…" I try to swallow the lump in my throat. The sick feeling surfaces. "What do you mean?"

"He just left. Akito…" No. No. That's not possible. He had another six months. Shigure, you're teasing me, aren't you? You're being stupid again. My hand clenches.

"Akito…is angry. I don't think Kyo is going to come back." The corners of his mouth twitch.

Darkness that I have fought so hard against my entire life threatens to overtake me. I put my hand down on the table for support. And a mad thought enters my head.

I never got to say goodbye.

"You knew, didn't you, Yuki? You knew about the cage, didn't you?" He stares at me. His voice sounds so weak, and it makes me want to _do_ something. To cry, to yell, to do _anything_ I can so he'll go back to the way he always is. I search his eyes for any emotion. But they show none.

Not even a ripple on water.

"Yes." And when I make the affirmative, it hits me that Kyo is truthfully not here. Will I never see him again?

"It's-It's not for sure, so…please don't say anything to Tohru-kun about it. Akito might just want to…" I gasp when I see him put the palm of his hand to his forehead, like he has a headache. I can see him grimace.

I stand up strait shakily, and begin to walk up the stairs to leave Shigure by himself.

When people you depend on suddenly turn into someone you don't know, it frightens you. You thought you knew the person. You thought you understood them.

It feels like you're being betrayed.

Why didn't they show me this side of them before?

Because when it finally does surface, it's like you've been hit in the face.

Like the other person is punishing you for not delving deeper, for not trying to understand every aspect of their being.

Like their screaming out the side they've hidden their entire life.

Like you're intruding on something private, indecent.

I _hate_ it.

* * *

Yuki's echoing footsteps let me know I'm alone again. I run my fingers through my hair.

I am always alone.

I can never be satisfied.

Hatori said that Akito tried to calm down. For nearly two weeks. And then he just snapped.

I smile.

Kyo-kun.

I wish you were here.

* * *

"Close the door."

I step through the threshold and slide the shoji closed. Trapping myself.

"What angers me most," Akito starts off, "is that you really have no idea what you've done." He tilts his head back towards me.

"You _monstrosity_."

I want to know now. Not knowing is going to kill me slowly. But I don't want to provoke him. I'll stay quiet.

"I'd like to know why you came and took my Yuki away from me." So this is what it's about…Akito.

Akito waits for me to answer, but as he stares at my impassive face, I can see the anger under his mask creeping into his flesh.

"So you don't want to answer me, huh? Knowing I have the power to lock you up at this very moment?"

I can feel the blood drain from my face, and my mouth goes dry. My hands clenched into fists.

_If I just killed you now…_

But something holds me back.

"_He is the master of our souls. The one who controls all the zodiac. The one who binds us all together…"_

I unclench my fists and look down.

"Do it." My voice streams out. Akito visibly stiffens.

"What did you say?" His false sweetness is gone, like it never existed.

"Do it. Do it. Lock me up. Lock me up _now_." I look up, my fierce gaze meeting his furious one.

"How _dare_ you!" He shouts. He is breathing hard, and I realize the stupidity of what I have just done. I look down again, trying to seem lower than he is. I hate doing this. But my life is on the line.

"Maybe you need to be reminded about who you _are_." He whispers. His sickly white hands reach slowly for the beads on my arm. I jerk it back instinctively, but he grips them and I cease moving. He suddenly lets go of them.

"Follow me." He turns and exits the room. I don't dare disobey his orders.

He is walking slowly, lazily. He is probably just weak. We go through several doors I have never entered before. I am surprised he is letting me see all of this. Then I recognize the hall I had ran into nearly two weeks before.

My insides freeze as we walk to the last door. The black shoji has been replaced. But the padlocks are still there. Sick son of a bitch.

He takes the lock off and hangs it on the neutral side. Then he pulls it aside and walks in, commanding me to close the door afterward. I follow. The lights are extinguished when the door slides shut.

"It's still the same, little Kyo." His voice resonates from the darkness. My eyes quickly adjust, and I can see a little of his thin, weak form. I frown, and don't back up like my legs are telling me to.

Suddenly, his cold fingers are touching my cheek, the pads ghosting over my lips. I feel the hair on my body stiffen, and a shiver runs through me. I can see the faint smile on his face.

"Don't you remember?" The words slowly oozing out of his mouth, like he is enjoying every moment of this. What is he talking about? Yeah, I remember a lot of fucked up things. A lot of fucked up things _you_ did.

His hands release my face, and his fist slams into it instead. My knees give way to the downward pressure, and I stumble to the ground. My arms rise to cover my face defensively, and I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me. It was telling me to fight back, to hurt, to kill him. I had to control it. I couldn't lash out.

I see him smile and examine his knuckles.

"My answer still hasn't changed." He begins to smirk, as if the whole thing is funny. "You really _don't_ remember, do you? My answer?"

I stare at him. What is he-

His smile turns into an animalistic snarl.

"_I wont allow it!_"

The scream echoes in the small room. The voice, the room. _The blood_.

_No._

_His eyes._

_His eyes are dead._

"And my answer will _never_ change."

What is it…that I'm remembering?

Yuki. It's _Yuki_. No, we were never…never…

Akito is standing strait again.

"Do you really want to know what happens in this room?" I look up, my jaw numb and tingling. He looks slightly amused. He strides quickly towards me, and my body tenses when I see the maniacal expression on his face. He stops when he reaches me, and puts his hand over my eyes.

"This is Yuki's room. I hate to dirty it, but I'm afraid there is a lesson that needs to be learned." He begins to contract his fingers. I grimace. I squeeze my eyes open to try and see what he is doing. He is reaching for something to the side of us.

He abruptly shoves my head to the ground and smashes it on the cold concrete.

It hurts. The entire right side of my face throbs with unbearable pain. Things are winking at me. I'm…

I am only slightly aware that he straddling over me, pinning my arms behind my back. Warm, sticky blood is flowing from my mouth and nose. He leans down, balancing on his knees to whisper in my ear.

"Maybe this will help you remember…"

My back suddenly explodes in pain.

I scream.

He is slicing the skin on my back open, in fast, hurried strokes. My shoulders writhe helplessly, and I try to pull my arms from his grip. But he wont let go. My legs are twitching. I can't think. It hurts. I can only scream, like a helpless animal.

_Make it stop!_

"There," He gets off my, and my numb arms flop to the ground. "This is only a taste of what happens."

"Aaugh… Ahh…" My back is on fire. I can feel the warm wetness seeping through my shirt.

"A monster like you should mind it's own business. If you don't," Akito crouches down next to me and lifts my head carefully with his fingers, "You know the consequences. Mind your own business, or I mind _yours_."

He gets up, and exits the room, not bothering to shut the door. I lay there for what seems like hours, my mind not functioning.

Everything is burning; all I can do is make sounds of death. It hurts…It hurts…make it stop…I can't think. Everything's muddled…I just want to sleep…

Then I hear the door being shifted wider, and force my drooping eyes to look up. I can only see the silhouette. He's tall, strait-shouldered…it's Hatori, isn't it…look. You left me, and look what happened…you…bastard….

He stoops down next to me. His face goes out of focus.

"Get up, Kyo. Come one, get up." He grabs my arm and wrenches me up, where I stumble, slipping on something wet. Blood runs down my face and splatters on the floor. He heaves one arm over his shoulder and supports me as we leave the room.

We walk for what seems a very short amount of time, but we get outside. I nearly fall onto the gravel. I can see my blood dribbling on the dusty rocks, staining them.

Hatori helps me into the front seat, practically pushing me inside. He hurries to the other door, and we're off.

"I'm sorry, Kyo. It would be safer back at Shigure's." He speaks.

The rest of the short ride is silent. When we get there, I am slowly starting to fall asleep. My whole body aches. I can hear the familiar twang of the front door.

_Poof!_

Everything hurts worse when I'm in my cat form. At least I'm not so huge anymore. Maybe I'll die from blood loss…maybe…I'll…just die.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twelve-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	13. 13

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** One of my teachers really pissed me off today.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

"Hatori!" Shigure runs out to meet me. He would have looked comical in his loose kimono if the situation hadn't been so serious. He opens his mouth but stops when I pull out the limp furry body and the bloody clothes. He momentarily puts his hands to his eyes and breathes a sigh of relief.

"Thank God…What did-" I shove the bloody mess of cat and clothes into his chest.

"We don't have much time. I'll go and prepare the living room," I say, grabbing my suitcase from the trunk, "Is Yuki or Honda-kun here?"

"Yes, they both just got back," Shigure looks fevered with worry.

"I'll take care of them. Just don't let them see Kyo." Shigure nods hurriedly, then peers down intently at the mass of bloody fur.

I walk quickly in the house, to see both Yuki and Tohru in the kitchen, talking. For some reason, Yuki seems sick. They both see me, and Tohru bows. Before she can even utter a greeting, I speak sharply.

"Both of you go to your rooms, please. Don't come out until I come to get you." I turn to leave.

"Wait, Hatori!" I turn in surprise to see Yuki has risen from his chair. He is pale and shaking.

He stares incredulously at me.

"_Now_, Yuki." My voice slightly raised. He makes a move forward, but I turn and walk out of the kitchen. I hear the slow trumping of footsteps and Honda-kuns' worried questions, and am relieved.

I hurry to the living room to see Shigure already setting Kyo down carefully. I open the latch on the suitcase and start taking my medical supplies out. Shigure hurries off and comes back a few moments later with a bowl of water and a rag.

"Are you sure we shouldn't have Tohru-kun down here? She would help out a lot." Shigure asks quietly.

"We don't need her seeing this. Go get a blanket." The blood is already seeping into the carpet, but we can't help that.

Shigure gets off his knees and rushes to the closet, bringing back two blankets. He lays one down and gently hoists Kyo onto it, and takes the other one and covers his body. I am done setting up.

"Are you sure we couldn't just try to clean off the blood?"

"No. We have to wait until he transforms back again. We could cause worse damage." He sits down on his knees. I get up and go to the kitchen to wash my hands.

I come back and sit down. We have to just wait. I stare at the cat face. It looks so peaceful. His irregular breathing is starting to slow down.

_Poof!_

A much larger Kyo is sprawled out, covered up to his neck in the blankets. I hear Shigure breath sharply. I act immediately.

I pull the blanket down to his waist. I reach out and feel his ribs and collar bone, but nothing is broken. His chest seems to be fine.

"What about his face, Hatori?" I look at it. Blood seems to be sprayed upward, and the right side is completely blue with bruises.

"That's not the main injury. I think he's bleeding from his back." Shigure catches my eye, a look of unbelieving on his face. I avert his gaze, and we both reach out, grab his shoulders, and turn him over.

A lump appears in my throat. Shigure seems frozen.

His back is covered in blood. The smeared red is beginning to dry. But something I can't decipher is carved into his back. I grasp the rag, ring it out, and begin to wipe the blood off his back. Shigure follows suit. My hands are soon covered in his blood, and the water that was clean is crimson.

The words become audible. They are still bleeding, raw slashes across his back. Some of them will need stitches. I get the tools I need, trying not to read what Akito has carved into his skin. Shigure grabs the bowl to change the water.

I pour alcohol over his wounds, and the clear liquid bubbles and froths when it touches the skin. I see Kyo frown and groan in his unconscious state. Shigure comes back.

"Hand me what I need." I command him. He nods and sits down next to me.

I get my sewing needle and special thread I use for stitches. After attaching them securely, I pierce the skin. Shigure twitches uncomfortably next to me as he hands me the things I need. For a little less then an hour, I stitch up his wounds. By now I cannot pretend I don't know what the words scream at me.

I am finally finished. I pour alcohol over his slashes once more, and then take out the gauze.

"Sit him up." Shigure nods and takes his bloodstained hands and pulls his limp body into a sitting position. Kyo's head lolls onto his shoulder. I unwrap the clean gauze and wrap his entire torso around and around. Soon he is covered in the white bandages, some spots of blood seeping through.

"What about his face?" Shigure asks. I nod, the worst part over with.

"Clean it off for me. I'll see if there are any open wounds." I go into the kitchen, turn on the sink, and watch as the red water goes down the drain.

Another half hour gone, and Kyo's beaten face is bandaged. I forced him to drink some water, but he still choked in his sleep.

His head is pretty well cleaned off, and Shigure goes off to get clean clothes and bedding.

I go out to the car to put my medical supplies back. When I get there, I put my arm on the doorframe and rest my head against the window. My memories of Kana resurface.

When I get back, Kyo is clothed from the waist down, resting in a different place with a clean blanket and pillow. I eye the patch of red on the carpet. Shigure covers Kyo's body with another blanket. He sighs and looks exhausted.

"What about the other two?" He asks, his finger pointed to the ceiling.

"I'll get them. Try and clean up." I gesture lazily to the bloodstains everywhere. He gives me a slightly reproachful look.

"Oh, Tori-san, this is slave work!" He says dramatically, but goes into the kitchen nonetheless.

I trudge upstairs, my thoughts distracted. I go to Yuki's room. I knock softly on the door. It opens, and I see Yuki's pale face. Honda-kun is just a little ways away, sitting on his bed, crying.

"Ha-Hatori-san!" She wipes her face with a hanky and gets up. Yuki opens his mouth, but I cut it off.

"Come with me, you two." I go into the kitchen, and they follow shortly thereafter. We stop at the table.

"I'm going to explain something to you, and you must listen. Kyo went to the main house this afternoon. We brought him back, but he is severely injured." Honda-kun gasps and fresh tears start to trickle down her face.

"Yuki," I turn to him. He stares back. "You will not pester him, and you will _especially _not fight with him. He will take some time to fully heal, maybe two weeks or so. He is sleeping, but you can see him now."

Honda-kun hurries past me, but Yuki turns his back and heads upstairs again. I frown at his back.

* * *

Here I am, scrubbing the bloody carpet. Oh, Haa-san! Why do you leave me with all the nasty chores? I would have so loved to contradict Yuki!

I'm just glad…Kyo-kun is going to be okay.

I look up when I hear a small scream to see Tohru-kun standing there, her hands over her mouth. I give her a wary smile, but she flies over to Kyo-kuns' side. She starts shaking.

"Oh no, Kyo-kun…" She starts to sob as she gently touches his sleeping face. I continue to scrub wearily. I wonder where Yuki is. Hatori comes back.

"I'm leaving. If anything happens, call me."

"Ah! No, Hatori-san, please, you _must_ stay for dinner! You went through all this trouble!" He gives her his small smile.

"It's alright, Honda-kun. I'm expected at the main house. I'll see you later." He nods at me and I smile tiredly back. Then he leaves, the tire scrapes fading.

Tohru-kun stares at Kyo-kun for a minute, silently crying. Then she sees me.

"Ah! No, Shigure-san, please let me do that!"

"It's alright, Tohru-kun. I'll do it."

"Please, Shigure-san…I want to…" She wipes her eyes. I smile.

"Okay, Tohru-kun. I'll do something else." I go to the kitchen to wash my hands, listening to the scrub of the carpet and Tohru-kun's occasional sniffle.

* * *

Why…am I up here? I couldn't bring myself to look at Kyo. I would be destroyed if I saw what he looked like.

I just want to be alone.

No…

That's not true. If I had a choice…

I would have Kyo here with me, talking about something or another.

Why did Akito….

How stupid. I already know the answer.

It's because of me.

It's _my_ fault.

The rat, Akito's toy.

* * *

I've been awake for a while. Maybe for days I've been awake, but the speaking and listening part of my brain seems to have shut down. I can see Tohru or Shigure or even Hatori in my vision occasionally. But…the one person I want to see most hasn't made an appearance yet.

Finally, I can sit up without passing out again. Hatori says I lost too much blood. He's making me eat and drink a lot, which is hard to do since I feel sick almost all the time. Tohru, Shigure, and Hatori watch as I make unsure steps and lean against the doorway. I see Tohru's eyes shining with tears. I give a wan smile.

"I'm fine." I say, knocking her gently on the head. She giggles and wipes away her tears, hurrying into the kitchen to start dinner.

"Come, we need to change your bandages again. The stitches will come out in a week." Hatori retrieves his doctor stuff. I grumble and take off my shirt, wincing at the sharp pains that shoot through my body.

He unravels and ravels again, throwing the bloody mess into the garbage. I don't thank him.

They are all standing around me.

"Where…is everybody…?" I manage. I see Shigure looking around, and then back at me. He looks suspicious.

"Yuki's in his room." He points to the ceiling with his trademark smartass smile. I glare.

"Like I give a shit." I get up again and begin to walk upstairs.

"I'm going up to the roof. Anyone who bothers me dies."

"Okay!" Tohru gives her usual happy beam.

"Kyo," I look back at Hatori's reproachful eyes and Shigure's laughter, "Don't get an infection."

Walking upstairs, I am happy to feel the familiar carpet between my toes. I go slowly, pain slashing through my nerves. I am temporarily tempted to go into the bathroom and see what Akito did to me. But I walk past the open door. I gingerly touch my face, and flinch. My whole right side seems to be bruised. Oh yeah. That's when he smashed it onto the floor.

I pause when I pass Yuki's room, and I think I hear something moving inside it. I glare at it. He didn't even come down to see me. When _he_ went to Akito's…

Listen to me, ranting like some snot-nosed kid.

I keep going until I reach the balcony. I find that climbing a ladder is extremely painful, but I grit my teeth and continue anyway.

When I finally get up there, I flop on my ass and sigh. I can feel little spots of blood soak through the bandages, but I don't care. I'm not going to die.

I scooch around on my butt to watch the night sky.

I always come up here, to think, reflect, or wallow in self-pity, one of those three. But now I do not know why I am up here.

Maybe I'm up here because I'm reminded of the peace and quiet. The only space of true freedom I have. When I'm up here, and all I can see is endless sky, I feel like I can do anything.

* * *

Maybe I could just say hi.

Yes, I know how lame that sounds.

But nonetheless, I am still opening the door.

Still climbing the ladder.

Still seeing him.

He is wearing those stupid pants that I hate, the ones with the material stretching between them. Otherwise, there are bloody bandages wrapped around his torso. His back is to me, and I can see his ribs expand whenever he breathes. I want to reach out…and touch…his body.

Gently.

His vibrant hair and tanned shoulders clash, but he still seems so…perfect.

_So beautiful_.

He turns his head in surprise when he hears me.

My eyes widen. His face is a war zone, one side completely bruised. His lip is cut and his jaw swollen. Instinctually, I reach out to touch it.

I am brought back to my senses when he slaps my hand away, yelling something. My hand recedes. I sit down without further ado.

I rest my arms on my knees, and Kyo begins to get up, only to sit slowly back down, grimacing in pain. I notice he has no bloodstains on the front of his bandages. Realization floods through me.

"Hey," I say neutrally. He stares suspiciously for a few seconds, and then tilts his head into his knees. He makes a muffled grunt.

"Why did Akito want you?"

"…Don't be stupid. You already know why he was so pissed."

"…Yeah."

He sighs and looks very tired.

"What did Akito do to you?" I ask scrupulously. He gives me the 'none-of-your-freakin-business' glare, but plunges right in.

"He took me to _your_ special room." He says glowering, apparently punishing me for being so strait forward. He's doing a good job, too. Ice water plummets through my brain.

"It was quite lovely, really. I enjoyed every minute there, wondering if anyone gave a shit." He snarls. Now I understand.

"Look, I didn't know you were even there until a few minutes before you came home! What were you expecting me to do?"

He flushes.

"Nothing. It was stupid." He turns away angrily. I can feel his ache, and I know.

"I'm…sorry. I really am."

He snorts.

"What happened…what did Akito do to your back?" The face bruises were expected, but…

He surly didn't…

Kyo glares at me, his narrow, sharp eyes contracting.

"What do you think he did?" His voice seems raspy for some reason, a feral growl.

"…What does it say?" My voice is so quiet it's a wonder he can hear me.

"I don't know, Hatori wouldn't tell me. Probably something sick and perverted. I really don't want to know."

"…I'm surprised he did that to you…He usually only does it…" My words trail off.

"I see. It's your and Akito's special thing, is it?" I begin to glare at him, but he continues.

"Well, I'm _sorry_ for intruding," He hisses. "Next time I'll try my best to resist the temptation!"

"Shut up, will you? Why is it always a fight with you?" I get to my feet and yell at him some more. "I'm tired of fighting, I'm so _sick_ of this!"

He, however, is actually showing signs of listening to me.

"Whaddaya mean, 'tired'? Hey- sit _down_, willya?" He says, grabbing my pant cuff and yanking it. I sit down grudgingly, clenching my fists. I open my mouth.

"_Shut up_ for a minute!" He looks angrily at my mutinous face. "Akito said something weird when we were in that room, something…I don't know."

I frown.

"I mean," He blushes, "Have I ever been in there before? I sort of…had dejavu or something, it was really weird…"

I have a strange feeling welling up inside me.

"I think…he did something…to us when we were kids…" He bristles at the look I am giving him. "Shit, I don't know! I just remember you, like all bloody and stuff! And…Akito said something weird, and…I don't know!"

I need to push the barrier out of the way. Something is holding _something_ back.

"What did he say?" Kyo frowns and bites his lip. "What was it?"

"He said, 'I won't allow it.'"

_**I won't allow it.**_

What?

"_Why are you so disobedient?"_

You didn't…

"_You are alone…as usual? Such a lonely boy."_

Why?

"_How ironic…the cat and rat…I wonder…"_

Will someone tell me-

"_Lessons must be learned. How hard is this to understand?"_

No, I don't understand!

_**I won't allow it.**_

"_See now, look what happened. It's _your_ fault, you know._

I will, I will. Just stop.

I get up, my legs shaking. How could I?

"Hey! Where are you going?" Kyo yells. But he doesn't get up after me. I turn my back on him and leave, down the ladder, and jump.

Into the woods, silent, alone.

Is it true…could it be…that Kyo did the same thing I did?

I remember lying on cold, cold floors. In so much pain. I remember. But as to why…

He said it wasn't right.

And in the end…he punished us.

He knew it would be a never-ending circle.

I remember.

I remember.

Perhaps…our animosity developed as a way of protecting one another, unknown to each other, silent as the grave.

Maybe we each thought in turn that if we began to hate each other, it would never happen again.

It was not planned. It happened, and the hate that was once artificial spawned into a many-layered lie.

Hurt from each other, not knowing the falsity that surrounded every insult and cruel word that echoed in our heads at night.

We had forgotten. We had forgotten that we never did hate each other, and would never hate each other.

We had forgotten…that once, a long, long time ago…we were friends.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	14. 14

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-**I AM SOOO SORRY! But now, I have begun a second semester, exams are over, I have a free period!

**Chapter Summary- Life**

**Chapter Genre- General**

**Warnings- Swearing**

_聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Fourteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び_

"Kyo-kun…are you going to go to school tomorrow?" Tohru asks.

"Mmm…nah." I answer without looking at her. Blowing off school is great.

"Okay, you're lunch will be in the fridge. Goodnight, Kyo-kun." She closes the door quietly.

"Mmm. 'Night."

I turn fully on my stomach, and fall asleep quickly.

* * *

I wake up at around noon. Holy shit. I slept long. I get up, and fall back to my bed, dizzy. Wrenching my arms, I push myself off and manage to make it to the kitchen.

Shigure's already there, drinking tea or something.

"Kyo-kun! Ditching school! You naughty, naughty boy! You need to be spanked!"

"_What_? You filthy pervert!" I yell. How disgusting!

"Tohru-kun made some exquisite breakfast! It's on the counter." I glance over to what looks like egg or something. Shigure continues to prattle. "Alas, it might be cold. You were so late in sleeping. What _were_ you doing in there for so long anyway?" He waggles his eyebrows.

"Huh?"

"Well, well, Kyo-kun. Are you sure you weren't doing anything…naughty?" He puckers his face.

"_Huh_?"

"My God! Just when I think you couldn't get any denser! Never mind, forget it! Just sit down and ignore my poor, plaintive pleadings for the truth!"

"Shut it already! You damn annoying dog! Don't you have work or something, you lazy good-for-nothing?"

He sighs dramatically and sips his tea. I take whatever it is Tohru made and start to eat it cold.

Shigure stops drinking his tea. He looks like he's reading his newspaper, but his eyes aren't moving. I finish my meal in silence and put the dishes in the sink and fill it with water.

I wait for a moment to see if he's going to talk or something, but reside in going out to the deck. A chilling wind hits me. It's very pretty. The trees are almost leafless. It's winter already?

I'm past the halfway point. The worry grips my stomach and squeezes hard. I sit down cross-legged and hide my face in my hands.

The shouji slides softly apart and Shigure steps through it, closing it behind him. He sits at the small wooden table.

"Kyo-kun."

"…Yeah?"

Suddenly, I just feel so empty. Like nothing matters at all. I feel like everything's okay. Well, not okay. It's…just fine. It's fine.

I stare at the dark trees shadowing the ground.

"I'm sorry for mentioning it. But…I have to know." He says slowly.

"Yeah?" I say in the emotionless voice. I sound so tired.

"What are your plans? I mean…are you going to…run away, or…?"

I contemplate him for a minute.

"What's it to you?"

"…I want to help you, Kyo-kun. In whatever means." His brown eyes search my face.

"I haven't really thought about it."

I think of my choices.

I could kill myself.

I could run away.

I could let myself be locked up.

But I don't want any of these. What I want…what I really, really want…is to just be free, I guess.

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to take away the chance.

If I run away, if the Sohma's never _did_ find me, I don't know how I could support myself. I could get a job sure, but I'd have to go far away. Same dead-end job, making sure no one hugs me, never being able to…to love anyone.

To there, what's the difference then in the cage? At least it's safe in the cage.

"Kyo-kun?"

Shigure.

"I don't want to think about it."

"…You can't keep running away from it. It's going to catch up to you."

"Yeah, well…until then." I give a sort of half-wave and step off the deck and into the forest.

I appreciate what Shigure is trying to do. I really do. But, this numb feeling just makes me not give a damn about anything at the moment.

I walk and walk and walk. It's so easy to just walk and not have to think about anything. I stop walking when I get to dirty sand. It's the small lake, bigger then last time because of the rain.

I sit down. And start thinking about things.

Yuki. I want to know why he ran away last night.

There's something lurking in the back of my mind. Something shadowy. I get glimpses of it whenever I close my eyes, fleeting, short glimpses of things I can't decipher.

I lean back, falling to the sandy earth despite the protests of the cuts on my back. I put my arm over my eyes. I wait for a long, long time. The sun stretches over me.

And I remember.

_**I won't allow it.**_

That's what he said. And then he broke into his hands. Over and over again.

He hurt him so badly. The blood. There was so much blood. And his eyes. They were defeated, pleading, a ragged stare that gripped me and wouldn't let go.

I…wanted to protect him. I wanted him to never be hurt again. That's why…why I started to hate him.

No…I never hated him in the beginning. I was _friends_ with the little shit, for God's sake.

I remember…when I first saw him. But he didn't know who I was.

Give it back! 

I remember…maybe if Akito thought I hated him, he would leave us alone. And he did. But it came at a high price.

Yuki hated me back. I thought…maybe he would understand.

And then I began to really hate him.

Why didn't he realize I was faking it? We could've…we could've been something other than rivals, something other then just cat and rat. We could've been like _brothers_.

How stupid.

And as he hated me, I began to hate myself. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. And we fell through the tangled lies and deceit of our God.

Yuki became his toy, and I became his scapegoat.

I sit up suddenly.

Shigure.

He _knew_, didn't he?

That's what he was talking about!

He knew…he knew, but I didn't know!

That's what he meant that day…

But your eyes… 

_You eyes tell me a different story._

_They tell me…_

_That you're afraid to find out._

Does…does Yuki know this, too?

Is that why he ran?

But then again…he's always running.

Running away.

…Haru was right.

Protecting someone is never as easy as it seems.

* * *

It was a while since I last saw him.

"_Kyo…hey, Kyo…" Why is he looking at me like that?_

"_I hate you."_

"_What?"_

"_I hate you! Don't come near me again! I hate you!" He is yelling so loud._

But…why? He wasn't the one who got hurt, he wasn't, it was me! Why does he hate me? I was the one who paid for it, not him!

He's just like Akito said! He's so selfish!

"I hate you!"

"Yuki-kun?"

"Ah…uh, yes, Honda-san? Sorry. I guess I was daydreaming."

"Oh, no, it's alright. Do you want to eat lunch with us?"

"Oh. Sorry, but I have student officer duties during lunch." Which is a lie, but I don't have the energy to stay with them.

I want to be alone.

I watch her retreating form, the innocence and kindness I have sought for so long. Honda-san is the perfect example.

For some reason, the love I had for her is fading. Instead, the waves of depression flow over me. I can never have her, will never have her. It will never be allowed. She's out of my reach now. I have to stop loving her now, or the pain will be worse in the end.

I can't taint her. Let her find someone…who will truly appreciate her. Who can share her love equally.

I walk the halls, ignoring the greetings shot at me, until I hear a familiar voice.

"Hey, Yuki."

I turn to see Haru coming up to me. Without his shirt on. I stare.

"You want to put your shirt on? I'm part of the student council. I can't be lenient, you know."

"Hey, what's with everyone and my goddamn shirt? It's not like I got boobs or somethin'," I raise an eyebrow at the vulgar remark. "Or do you like guys?" He raises his eyebrows and licks his lips slowly, obscenely.

I sigh.

Coming closer, he reaches out to touch my face but I slap it away impatiently.

"Alright, Haru. You didn't smash another classroom, did you?"

"Why would I do somethin' stupid like that?" He fires up at once.

"Well, you did it last time you were black." I say blandly, and he looks indignant.

"That's so gay! I'd rather take my frustrations out on somethin' like you, baby." He comes closer.

"I humbly decline your request," I glare.

"Take the stick out of your ass, man! What's wrong with a little experimentation?"

"Who turned you black, Haru?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm here to stay."

"Yes, it does matter."

"Where the fuck is Kyo?" He asks suddenly, looking around as if he would pop out of the broom closet, "I have an ass-kicking appointment with the little prick."

"What could he have possibly done to you?" I raise my eyebrows, "he's not even here today."

"He ditched me last weekend! I had to put up with fucking Akito having a goddamn tantrum every five minutes!"

I push his arm off me.

"Well then, I apologize in advance." I kick his head and send him flying into the lockers.

He falls to the ground, but gets up unceremoniously, rubbing his head. He blinks and then looks up at me.

"You didn't need to kick me that hard…"

"Yeah, well, you deserved it."

"Ehh…"

"Just so you know, Kyo was with Akito last weekend." Haru looks up.

"What for-"

"I don't know," I lie, "But he got hurt pretty bad."

Haru stares into my eyes for a few seconds.

"He did, huh? Is he going to be alright?"

"Yeah. There's just going to be some scarring. And the psychological effects, whatever those are." I glare at the ground.

"Did he…" He pauses, his eyes flickering to mine, before saying quickly, "Never mind."

"He can probably go with you wherever this weekend." I cover for Haru. "Where were you going to go, anyway?"

"Not sure, whatever's happening. Concert, club, whatever."

I snort of the image of Kyo's face when told he was going clubbing. "Good luck with that. Why did you want to go?"

"I don't know. Teenage boredom, you know."

For some reason, a flicker of hot emotion momentarily flashes through me.

Am I…jealous? Over something so _stupid_?

God. I need to go home and sleep. I feel so tired.

"Yeah, well…I'll tell him to call you or something." I turn to walk to my next class.

"Later Yuki." I hear him. He sounds apathetic, but I think he feels sorry for me.

Instead of going to my next class, I go to the bathroom, make sure no ones in it, and lock the door. I turn on the tap water and wash my face.

I slip down to the ground and lean against the wall, never feeling so tired in my life.

* * *

When I finally trudge unwillingly back to the house, I am surprised to find it empty.

"Shigure? Hey, Shigure! Are you here…?"

It seems so quiet and lonely. I hate it.

I turn on the T.V., but it only increases the lonely feeling. I hate that damn T.V.

I turn and go out onto the deck.

My feet dangle over the sides, and I lean against one of the supporting wooden poles. A light, chilly mist drapes itself over the trees.

I close my eyes, and slowly, my breathing evens out, and I go into this mode. When I don't have to think, or breathe, or be. I can just stay here and do nothing at all.

That's why I didn't hear someone coming up to the side of me until the last moment.

I snap my eyes open. It's Yuki. He looks fevered. He drops his bag unceremoniously to the ground.

"H-hey. Haru…wants you…to call him." He gives me a half-lidded gaze, and his head bows.

I check my watch.

"Why are you out of school early? It doesn't end for another two hours."

"N…Nurse sent me h-home…not feeling…well…" His knees bend and he goes to the deck, breathing hard.

"Haru…wants you…to…" He must really be sick.

"Yeah, you already told me. What the hell's the matter with you?"

"…call him…" Okay, now he's hallucinating or something.

"God, don't transform on me. Just go to sleep." I turn my back on him.

Suddenly, his breathing becomes strangled, and I turn to see him stumble to the ground. I get up.

He flinches when I reach my hand out. I slap it roughly against his sweaty forehead. He's practically burning up.

"Ugh, goddamn it. You always have to bother me." I stoop down and grab his arm, and put it over my shoulder.

"Get up, you lazy ass piece of shit, get _up_!" He makes movement, and I drag his sorry ass to the living room and put him on the couch. I go upstairs, get his blankets from his bed, and grab the cold medicine from the cabinet.

He is still breathing chokingly when I get back down. I chuck the items at him.

"Stupid," I mutter. I stop when I hear him say something.

I look back. He's looking at me like he can't really see me.

"I'm sorry…I should have…realized…"

"What?"

"Thank you…for…trying…to protect me…" He mumbles. "Sorry I…didn't realize…until now…" His eyes close. I stay stock-still, but he doesn't say anything else. I go over to him and reluctantly cover his body with the blanket, glaring at his sleeping face.

I stare at it for several long moments.

I lean my head down to his. I can feel his warm breath.

"I'm sorry too…okay?" Gently, our foreheads touch, and I stay like that for a long, long time. I don't want it to ever end.

"…Yuki."

_えない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Fourteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び**聞こえない叫び_


	15. 15

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** You know, back in the day, when I got my first real kiss, my first thought was "Eww, this is gross!" I didn't expect it to be so…slimy. Heh heh. Um…that was too much info, wasn't it?

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Fifteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

This T.V. really sucks. We have almost 100 channels, but there's nothing on except Korean soap operas. Egad.

The phone starts ringing, and it seems to echo through the empty house. I let it ring eight times before I figure the person isn't going to give up. Why doesn't stupid Shigure answer the phone?

I get up and answer it.

"_What_?" I say rudely.

"About time you picked up, Kyo."

"Oh, it's you, Haru." I state, recognizing his bored drawl. "Yuki's shut up in his room, and I don't want to go in there, so you're gonna have to call back-"

"Not him, _you_. We were gonna hang out, remember?" Oh yeah. It's Friday night, anyway. My back is nearly healed. What's-his-face already took out the stitches. And being stuck in this house is making me so bored. And I shouldn't be wasting time.

"Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like it tonight, how 'bout tomorrow?"

"Eh…yeah, sure. Where you wanna go?"

"I don't know. Where is there to go?"

"You ever been clubbing before?"

"_Clubbing_?"

"Yeah, you know. Dancing, drinking."

"Dancing is definitely _not_ my thing." I snort.

"Then you just wanna hang out with me and my friends?"

"You have _friends_?"

"Tons of 'em. C'mon, it'll be fun."

I have a bad feeling about this, but agree to go anyway.

"Er…sure. What time are we getting home?"

"You have a curfew?"

"_No_, I was just _wondering_!"

"Whenever. It'll probably be an all-nighter."

"That'll mess with my training, but alright. It doesn't matter. This better be worth it!"

"Yeah, don't worry."

"Where are we meeting?"

"Uh…the front of the super market."

"_Why_?" I say, revolted, "We're hanging out at the _market_?"

"No, the place is near there, though. Tomorrow at seven, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." I hang up before he can act all gay again.

* * *

The kitchen is unusually busy. Honda-san doesn't have work, and Shigure is getting in the way of her cooking. I am sitting down, drinking tea. The week was tiring. My cold is threatening to come back, even though it's been five days.

Kyo comes in. He's dressed heavier then usual. Those pants I hate, and his hood jacket. He looks like some dangerous street thug. I hate to admit it, but he does look good. His ruby eyes glint from the shadow created by the hood.

"I'm going out," he says to no one in particular.

"Ah, Kyo-kun! Where are you going?" Honda-san turns from the stove.

"Just out." He strides toward the fridge, grabs the milk carton, and tips the contents into his mouth. Annoyance runs through me.

"Will you _stop_ that?" I say loudly. He glances at me. Shigure and Honda-san turn around to watch.

"What?"

"_That_," I point to the carton, glaring.

"You don't drink it!"

"I don't care, it's disgusting. Use a cup."

"Shaddup! Save your nagging!"

"Kyooooo-kun!" Shigure chimes suddenly.

"_What_?"

"Where _are_ you going?"

"Out with Haru, dammit, what does it matter?"

Haru? That's right, he called. I turn away from the fleeting feeling of jealousy.

"Ooh, a night out on the town! That makes me remember the time where me, Ayaa and Hari went to the red light district and made good friends with the very beautiful ladies of Club Safari-"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"How long are you going to be out?" Honda-san asks with a slightly worried look.

"I don't know, maybe all night." He mumbles. The jealous feeling painfully increases.

"Don't forget to use those little rubbers incase, ah…things get complicated." Shigure grins deviously. My jaw drops slightly. Honda-san and Kyo both have identical looks of confusion on their faces. But for once, misunderstanding turns to realization on the latter.

"_**What?! **_You disgusting perverted _bastard_!" He yells in fury. "I would never -aarrgghh!" He bangs out of the house very loudly. I glare at Shigure, who is snorting with laughter. Honda-san gives an ignorant giggle.

* * *

I walk for about twenty minuets before the market comes into view. Darkness comes faster in the winter, and I make sure not to get run over while crossing the street.

To my relief, Haru is already there, leaning against the wall in some outrageous outfit.

He glances at me, and smiles.

"You look good," He says

"You look stupid," I reply.

"Come on, it's not too far from here." He turns and begins to take one of the back roads into the alleys.

I follow him, in and out of the sickly orange light of the street lamp. We walk for about ten minutes, until he suddenly stops. The first stars begin to blink into life.

"We're here," He says, walking toward a heavy metal door. The ally is filled with trash, and smells like it too. He opens the door, and we walk along this horrible vomit green wall. I run my hand along it, and the paint flakes off at my fingertips. What a dump.

I see a guy smoking ahead, and he looks up at Haru and me. Muffled music vibrates through me.

"'Sup, Haru." They do some kind of weird handshake, "Whose the new guy?" He glances at me. I scowl at him, and he seems intimidated. Cool. These clothes make me seem like some thug.

"Friend. Anything interesting going on?"

"Not really, but Eji's already passed out. Don't step on him."

"He'd deserve it. That guy's manners are shit." Haru's beginning to lapse into this sort of talk the other guy is using. We walk past the guy, and he raises his eyebrows at me in a scanning matter.

There are a few doors on the sides, and Haru turns and goes into the one with an Out of Order sign on it. When he opens it, hard rock music blasts out. He steps in, and I follow, closing the door behind me.

The guy in the hall was right. I step over someone lying on the floor, but Haru 'accidentally' tramples on his fingers. I roll my eyes, and take in the scene.

There is a big table in the middle of a dimly lit, average sized room. The breathing air is white with smoke, and by the sickly sweet smell, it's not all cigarette smoke. I'm too used to smelling Hatori and Shigure sucking those cigarettes to know what's what.

There are about fifteen people, all with piercings or tattoos or chains. Some look like they just got out of a fight. I would have never guessed this is where Haru disappears to.

"Haru!" A tall guy in a beanie walks toward him and smacks him on the back. "Haven't seen you in forever, man! Where you been?"

"I had some business, but it's all good. What's going on tonight?" God, he sounds like a drug dealer. I shove my hands in my pockets and scowl at him.

"The usual." He then seems to notice me. "Who's this?"

"Kyo Sohma. Cousin." Haru answers. I look back at the guy in a hardened stare, wanting to impress. He seems to deem me good enough.

"Alright, have fun tonight," He throws his head to the corner, "and check _that_," I look toward the corner to see long bleached hair. She's with another girl and three other guys, but she doesn't seem intimidated at all.

"Nice," Comments Haru, staring at the girl's ass. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"See you later." He walks out, stepping over the other guy. Haru goes over to the table, talks to some of the guys, and grabs a random bottle and pops it open with his teeth. He passes it to me, and gets another one for himself. I stare at it.

"You're supposed to drink it." Haru says nonchalantly.

" I don't want _this_." I try and give it back to him. Haru moves closer to me.

"Fine, then. Drink _this_." He hands me an identical bottle.

"What is it?"

"…Soda."

"Good." I stare at the bottle for a minute. I sigh in resignation and begin to gulp the burning liquid down. Weird soda…it's probably new.

"That's it," He raises his bottle, "We're having fun tonight." Despite myself, I grin and clank mine to his.

In the next hour, I meet everyone there. It seems mostly to be a gambling ring, people having drinking contests, about two people even shooting up something. Is this why Haru is such a head case? Anyways, he didn't take any when I was there.

The girl from before comes near me several times. She's letting me know she's interested. Who can blame her? I'm hot stuff. Ha ha.

"Hey, new guy. You drink?" Some random lush calls over to me. Half the heads turn.

"No thanks," I say coldly.

"Too much for you, pretty-boy? You must be gay, with that bleach job of yours." The young guy sneers, and then hiccups. I twitch.

"This is my natural color!" I yell, striding over to him, ready to kill. Haru sidesteps in front of me.

"Calm down, man, he's not worth it."

"Aww, he must be the catcher!" The man croons, laughing.

"I'm not with _him_!"

"Why don't you girls get your pussy asses over here and prove it to me?"

"_Fine_, you son of a bitch!"

I am however, a little worried. I've never been in a drinking contest before. Oh well. All I have to do is swallow the stuff, right?

I sit down at the table, take off my jacket, and throw it in Haru's face. It's frickin' freezing in my undershirt, but I gotta show this asshole. By then, the whole group is watching us. I can feel the girls' eyes on my head.

The rest of the group is laughing, throwing down money. No one bets on me. Assholes.

The girl comes over and pours clear liquid into two shot glasses.

"What is it?" I sound irritated.

"You can't get any better than this, man. It's almost pure. My old man doesn't lock the cabinet." She grins at me. I raise an eyebrow.

"You go first," She motions at the other guy. His eyes rove up and down her body and he licks his lips. I glare. If anyone EVER dared do that to Tohru, I would knock their lights out before they could even look below her neck. The girl gives him a disgusted look. Ha.

He takes the shot and throws it down his throat, making a weird breathy noise. The group looks at me.

I grasp the small glass cup and imitate the guy. I refrain from gagging with great difficulty. It was like licking a tree.

Another shot later, my vision goes blurry. Hee…that fat loser is gonna kick it!

After his second, he passes out cold in the table, smacking his head. I only won because the guy was already dead drunk, but who cares? I am victorious!!

I get up on the table and cheer myself, and all the people look disappointed because they lost their bets.

Two hours and three bottles later, some guy takes a swipe at me. Although drunk as hell, I am still a man! Yes, a very manly man! I pin him down on the floor and kick him away.

I saved you! They will write songs about me! I should sing it.

"I aaammm…a…I…no…

A wha- a hic um…"

I wonder where Haru is? He disappeared about a half hour ago. He said…he was going somewhere…oh who give a shit?

I throw down the small amount of cash I bet on the drinking contest, laughing with the others.

"Whoa man, sit down! Shit, why are you still awake, you should be dead by now!" Someone guides me to a seat, and shoves a bowl into my hand. I think it's Haru's friend from before.

"Eat up, it will help." He pats me on the shoulder, and I throw up on him. He screams and runs away. Oops… I hope no one saw that. I feel better, though. I shove down some chips. I wait there for what seems a long time, and my head begins to clear a bit.

"You know," I say to someone passing by, "My cousin has this really pretty face…for a guy, I mean. Guys are supposed to be manly. He's gay though. Yeah, he's gay, like…" I stop when I realize the person had walked away from my drunken ramblings a while ago.

Everything is like…blurred at the edges.

My eye catches the girl from earlier. She's by herself, smoking. I move toward the back of the room, sidestep the third fistfight that has broken out so far, and catch her eye. She's pretty hot. Maybe it's just the tight clothes.

She smirks at me and taps the ash out of her hand rolled cigarette.

"Haven't seen you here before." She comments. Her eyes are black.

"You wouldn't have." I glance at her boobs, but she thinks I'm looking at the cigarette in her hand.

"You wanna bum one?" She asks, starting to go through her pocket.

"This one's fine," I grab her hand and take a drag out of the nearly gone cigarette, imitating something I saw out of a movie. I change my mind. That is _definitely_ not tobacco. I refuse to cough, and swallow the smoke that feels like poison. A slow smile spreads across her lips. She licks them and takes another drag before dropping it and grounding it with her toe. She moves closer. A light feeling comes to my mind.

I think I'm drunk…but who cares. This is so much fun.

The girl suddenly pushes me in the chest and I land in the tatty armchair behind me. She crawls on top of me and leans her head towards mine. I put my hands on her hips to prevent her from getting to close. Even if I did transform, she's probably to drunk to remember anything in the morning. Or wait, _I'd_ be too drunk. Yeah. No, wait…

"You're cute," she says, her warm breath tickling my lips. Her eyes are lidded and I can smell the smoke and booze. I smile lazily, enjoying being centimeters away from her mouth. I feel soooo…manly.

* * *

"Why did you call me out here, Haru?" I follow quickly into a strange building. I can tell he's already black. He's been drinking too. Where's Kyo? If he hadn't been with him, I wouldn't have even come with Haru when he called me half an hour ago. I'm very curious to see what he's up to.

"I wanna show you what fun really is. Come on, it'll be good for you to actually get out and have a life!" He opens a door and we step in. There's an unconscious body on the floor. I stare in surprise.

It's noisy, smoky, and smells bad. I immediately feel extremely out of place, looking at all the people in there. I hang back, but they are all too drunk to notice me, as they seem to be cheering over someone who just passed out.

"Hey, Haru!" I yell over all the noise. He looks back.

"Where's Kyo? Is he here?" Haru looks around for a moment and stops dead, staring over the huddled bodies. I try to move toward him. Suddenly, he breaks out into hysterics.

"Oh man, oh man…" He mutters, giggling, "Go Kyo! He got the hottest one here!"

I step around Haru and freeze.

Kyo is on a chair, clad in only a white undershirt and jeans, a girl sitting on his lap, kissing savagely. It isn't a chaste kiss. He is holding her hips, making sure they don't touch him. Her hands are in his hair, gripping it tightly.

For a moment I can feel absolutely nothing but a shock so huge that it seems to root me on the spot. A tingly feeling starts at my fingers and works up my arms. Uncontrollable jealousy courses through me.

* * *

Wow, who knew making out could be so much fun? She pulls away to catch her breath. At first the feeling of her tongue in my mouth was kind of disgusting, but let me tell you, I got used to it quickly.

"You're a good kisser," She pants, "You must get around."

Good kisser? Must be my natural ability, ha ha ha.

She leans down again, and I open my mouth and clamp it over hers. It…reminds me of something. Something I wanted. Something I imagined.

She is much rougher this time, and I have to strain to keep her chest from colliding with mine. My tongue slides over hers as she deepens it. God this is good.

I part however when I hear someone chanting, "Gag her, gag her, gag her!" I look up to see Haru looking delighted, despite being black. Who's that other person with him? I don't want to have an audience, thank you. His clothes come into focus first. Oh my _god_. What the hell is _Yuki_ doing here?

Shit, he looks like he's just as surprised as me. Ah well, who cares. Maybe he came here to loosen up a bit. Couldn't hurt. Ah…I can't even think properly. I look back at the girl. She's raising her eyebrows at Yuki. I start laughing. He must look so dumb in those clothes.

Yuki looks at me like I've gone crazy when I start laughing. But who cares?

"You should come home now, Kyo. Honda-san is worried sick." He speaks slowly, expecting me to blow up. The girl looks at me suspiciously.

"You live with a girl?" She raises her eyebrows.

"She probably doesn't even know what sex is," I assured her. I look at Yuki, who looks revolted at my behavior. "And who are you, my mother? I can stay here if I want." Yuki glares and turns away, back through the crowd. He's just jealous 'cause he can't get any. Haru grins at me and follows Yuki.

I turn back to the girl.

* * *

Is this why Haru brought me here? To watch Kyo make out with some girl? I glare at the ground and then look at the others at the table. I spy someone sticking a needle into his arm, and stare at it.

"Haru," I call and he looks over at me, "You don't use those drugs, do you?"

"Nope." He says, and gives me a bored smile.

"How much have you had to drink?"

He snorts.

"Not as much as Kyo. He won the shot contest! Can you believe it? My little Kyo…" He pretends to sniff, "He's so wasted, I hope that girl doesn't take him to some hotel room." He starts to laugh.

Hot anger rushes to my head. I stay there smoldering for a few minutes. Haru grabs what looks like a homemade bottle from someone passing and holds it out to me.

"Don't be stupid," I growl through my teeth, pushing it away. He shrugs and starts to chug the thing. I look away, watching Kyo talking to the girl, who is sitting on his lap. He's going to transform if he doesn't watch it, the stupid idiot. He makes me sick.

My eyes wander down his body. I guess I never noticed things about it, like how his shoulders are broad and but his hips are slim. Just when I don't think I can stand it anymore, I see someone enter my vision.

"Come here often?" The guy is a little taller then me, and all I can smell is his putrid breath. This is an unexpected obstacle.

I glare at him. He steps closer, giving a dopey smile. I step back, displeased to find the wall blocking my slow escape.

"Where you going, girl? I'm not gonna hurt ya…" Too drunk to see that I'm _not_ a girl. I can feel the adrenaline being released slowly from my brain and into my blood. My fingers tingle. This is happening too fast…

He makes a move to grab me, and before I can react, I see a blur of orange hurtle out of nowhere and slam into the guy. He and Kyo skid a few feet across the filthy floor. My heart skips a beat.

"What the hell ya doin', ya crazy goddamn bastard?" The guy yells. I can only see the back of Kyo's head, and I am too surprised to go and pull him off the other guy. One knee is pinning his chest down and the other foot is on his neck. I see him shove it farther into the guys face.

"Get the hell out of here," I hear him say to the guy angrily. The adrenaline comes back, but for a different reason.

He stands up, and the guy scrambles to his feet, glaring at Kyo.

He makes an ugly face at me. Kyo turns his head as he watches the guy storm out of the room. His glaring ruby eyes are shining out of the shadows again. He really is very dangerous when he's angry.

Sometimes, I think that if I wasn't the rat, and he wasn't the cat, he could easily beat me.

Kyo doesn't even look at me, but heads for the table and grabs another bottle. Then he walks toward Haru. I think he forgot I was standing here, because he didn't even look at me.

"What was that all about?" Haru asks.

"What?" Kyo says, taking a sip. He looks like a drunkard. He then abruptly swivels to look at me.

"_You_!" He says, looking at me. He flies over to me and puts his hand to the wall beside me. I stare at him, hiding any emotion I might or might not have.

"You," he says again, waving the bottle in front of my eyes so that it barely misses my nose, "have to try this." The bottle slips out of his fingers and crashes to the floor. He looks down at it and swears. Then he looks back up at me.

"No thanks," I say coldly, "I'm going home" I try to turn, but he just as quickly puts his other hand on the other side of the wall, trapping me. His eyes are lidded.

"You really should, you know," he slurs, "You wont have to…worry about anything."

I stare at him, and he stares back, for a long, long time. He takes a step closer, so that our chests are nearly touching. I can feel his warm breath on my face, but it smells of thick booze. My heartbeat quickens and I lean against the wall completely.

Is this the only way? When he's dead drunk and doesn't even know who I am?

He suddenly tilts his head down toward mine and I gasp. Before he can reach my lips, my fist smashes into his face and he crashes into someone behind him. I stay there with my hand still raised, my hopes dashed.

I turn around, ignoring Haru's bewildered expression, and walk quickly towards the door and into the pitch black night.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Fifteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	16. 16

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** never had a hangover before. Weird. I've gotten drunk before (with friends) but never had a hangover!

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Sixteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

The silver mist is back.

It had been so long.

It had been _ages_.

But now it's back.

Clouds of mist and fog.

And the helpless feeling.

Overwhelming.

* * *

So stupid. I'll never forgive him for that. Does he know what he's doing to me? Is he doing it on purpose?

My room is so hot. I toss and turn. But I can't get the image of Kyo out of my mind. He is still…that image of anger, that untouchable beauty and independence that I have, somehow, _never_ wanted.

He and I are so different. Always, I wanted to be needed, to be depended on. My whole life I was made to believe I was useless, disgusting, boring.

But Kyo, he…he still hated the people who clung to him. Although we both cut ourselves off from others, it was for different reasons.

I was afraid of getting hurt.

He was afraid of hurting them.

It's obvious to see who had the selfish intentions.

I hear a crash, and my thoughts are shaken. What was that?

I stand up and throw the covers off my sweaty body and open my door. I walk quietly down the stairs, welcoming the chilly air. Stopping at the banister, I watch as the front door opens and Haru and Kyo stumble in, even drunker then they were before. I glance at the clock across from me; it's nearly five.

I hear both of them burst out laughing, trying and failing to muffle it. I glare at them from the stairs. They are going to wake everyone up, and Honda-san has…well, she doesn't have work, but she is still very busy!

I jump slightly when I hear the shoji slide apart suddenly and Shigure walks out, tousle-haired. He stares at Kyo and Haru, who are still laughing.

"Boys! Back from the party! Oh, I'm _young_ again, lets bust out the sake!" I grimace at his carrying voice.

"No!" I yell. The three of them look up at me.

"Yuki-kun too! Wow! It's a huge gay orgy! I'll call Aaya!" Shigure bounces toward the phone.

"Shigure," I say, walking down the stairs, "they've had too much to drink already. If you give them any more they'll both die."

He looks put out, but sits down spontaneously in the middle of the living room floor.

"All right then, let's play." He says, and motions for me to come closer. I do with great wariness as the two wasted idiots stare at me.

I crouch down.

"Okay, I'll be Nurse Shigure, and you can be Nurse Yuki!" He whispers loudly.

"_What_?"

"Nurse Yuki!" He calls, putting his hand to his mouth, "Hurry, get some water and aspirin!"

I stare. Kyo and Haru both start cracking up again.

"Let those two idiots suffer. No one forced them to drink."

"C'mon, playing doctor is so much _fun_!"

"Go to hell, Shigure," I snap, and turn back around.

"Wow, touchy! Hey- why's he so grumpy?"

I listen on edge.

"No idea…ah, Sensei, didn't you say you had some sake?"

"Sure do! But first tell me about your little date!"

"Kyo got a lady friend," Haru mumbled stoically, "and a chair."

"Good job, Kyo-kun!" Shigure sounds like a girl at a slumber party.

"There was some good shit they were passin' around too," Haru drawls.

"Wha'd you call me, asshole?" Kyo suddenly yells and gets to his feet, tottering.

"I didn't call you nothing!" Shouts Haru, firing up at once.

"Tha's some mo' _bull_shit." Kyo smears his words ungracefully.

"Who wants sake?" Shigure yells gleefully in the midst of the squabble, clearly enjoying himself. I put my face in my hands, and hear Honda-san's door open. Great.

I watch as she walks unsteadily down the stairs, rubbing her eyes and looking confused. She sees me and looks surprised.

"Yuki-kun! What's going on? Is Kyo-kun back?"

I give an irritable jerk of the head, and she stands next to me, surveying the scene below of the drunken martial arts battle going on downstairs. I can't help but give a small laugh at her completely bewildered expression.

She starts to walk downstairs, but I grab her arm. I realize with a shock that no warm emotion is sparked at the touch of her soft skin beneath my fingers. I stare unsteadily at her for a moment.

"Um…Yuki-kun?"

"Ah…that is, it's a little dangerous down there. They aren't exactly in their right minds." She looks questioning.

"They got drunk with some of Haru's friends." Her jaw drops characteristically and I smirk.

"Well, now that we're all up, who wants to have breakfast?" Shigure asks noisily. Honda-san bows, walking toward the cupboard despite the early hour.

"Yes, good morning, everyone! I-I hope eggs and fish are okay!" She says, waiting for someone to disagree. When no one does, she heads into the kitchen, looking back at Kyo and Haru, who both have each other locked in an identical sleeper hold. I roll my eyes.

About half an hour later, they are still out cold, legs and arms tangled around each other as they sleep. Shigure cracks up and takes a picture, muttering something about 'later blackmail'.

"Kyo-kun will be alright, wont he?" Honda-san asks Shigure. He pats her on the head.

"Well, hopefully, Tohru-kun. Of course, he will probably be in an exceptionally violent, uncontrollable, and cantankerous mood for the next two days, so we might want to stay out of his way for a while." He gives a charming smile. Honda-san stares. I sigh.

* * *

Whoa. _Whoa_.

What the hell is going on?

OW! Shit, my head!…owwwwww!

The room is all blurry…jeez, I've never had a headache like this…ugh…is that food I smell? Oh, god,-

I roll over, barely see the trash can, and empty the contents of my stomach. Panting, I try to look around but throw up again.

"I told you that would happen! Good thing I put all that Seranpaper over them, huh, Tohru-kun?"

"Ehh…"

Tohru and Shigure are still standing there. The latter is amused, and Tohru looks like she can't decide whether she's disgusted or worried.

Haru is sitting up with an ice pack on his head. He opens an eye and gives me a pained smile. I do not return it, seeing as how I am looking for my own ice pack.

"You just don't know when to quit, do you?" I turn slowly, glaring daggers at that damn rat.

"Do you love causing work for everyone in this house?" He continues.

"Shut up, asshole. I have a huge fucking headache right now, I don't want to goddamn hear it." The others watch on interestedly.

"I'd call it divine retribution."

"You went there too!" I yell, and my head gives another painful throb. It's true. I remember him there. Well, sort of. What was he doing there anyway? I think Haru invited him. He left soon anyways.

Whoa. Flashback. What was that? I was really close to him. We're we fighting?

I reach up and touch my face, wincing when my fingers contact my swelling cheek. Yup. Definitely fighting.

I search his face, hoping for a bruise to be decorating it, but apparently alcohol doesn't give me super powers. Or he's wearing that cover-up shit.

Ow! Shit, I feel so crappy I could die.

"Is that true, Yuki-kun? I would have never guessed!" Shigure says delightedly.

"Yeah, I went. But I didn't drink or get into fights." He glowers.

"I heard Kyo did more then that!" Shigure smirks. Oh, shit. That girl. Wow. I almost forgot.

That's weird…some part of me wants to rub it in Yuki's face. _I'm_ not gay, you pretty-boy drag queen.

But I kind of feel guilty. What the hell? Why the hell should I be feeling guilty?

"Ah? What do you mean, Shigure-san?" Tohru comes. I expect Yuki to intervene, but he doesn't. What an asshole.

"Weeell, Tohru-kun, it's an interesting question, full of juicy details, lust, and a bit of exaggeration on my part. Shall I tell it to you now?" He puts his hands to the sky dramatically.

"Shut up, you damn dog. Don't tell her stuff she doesn't need to know." I put on what I hope is a gruff, indifferent voice. The room goes silent. Inside I smirk, slightly embarrassed, but macho all the same. My head starts pounding harder then ever, and I groan.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Tohru jumps and goes to answer it. To my great displeasure, I hear the two most annoying voices in the world.

"Guten tag!"

"_Mon frere magnifique_!"

"Ehhh? Momiji-kun, Ayame-san? It's been so long!"

I have an indistinct feeling that _somewhere_, somebody is punishing me. That's the _last_ time I'm going out drinking.

"_Where_ are they?" I hear Ayame boom, "My two hung-over boys?"

He rushes into the room, his long white hair braided, followed by Momiji, who is holding Tohru's hand.

"Ahhh! Kyonkichi, Haruuuu! I heard all about your night! Boys gone wild!"

"Shut up!"

"Gure-san!" He whips around to Shigure, "It's been far too long! Tonight, we shall bust out the camera and perform various Shakespeare sonnets by candlelight!"

"Ah, Aaya, my love for you will be an eternal unquenchable thirst!"

"All right!" They said in unison, thumbs up.

I get up unsteadily, bent on going in my room. I barely make it to the second floor before I have to run into the bathroom and throw up again.

I slam the door and turn on the bath, aching to be clean. I'm sweaty, dirty, and my mouth is sour.

"Kyonkichi!" I hear Ayame, and he pounds on the door, "You better not be doing anything naughty in there! I realize Gure's and my speech may have turned you on, but this is just inappropriate, young man!"

"_Shut up_!" I yell, horrified. I slam the door open to see him with an innocent expression. I glare.

"What do you want?" I grasp my throbbing head.

"Well, I really wanted to know about your status!"

"Huh?"

"You _knooooow_," He coos, failing to contain a grin as he puckers his face and imitates kissing someone. Oh, great. Not this. "Way back when we had that romantic conversation in your room?"

That was so long ago! I glower at him, fire rushing to my face on who exactly 'she' was.

"So how is the lover girl?" He smiles and winks.

"It doesn't matter. It's not like I'm going to ever see her again." Ayame's face falls almost comically.

"But-"

"Leave me alone, Ayame." I close the door in his face, and I don't see him again.

* * *

When I wake up later, I feel much better, but still a little sick. I glance at my clock with a jolt. It's almost four in the afternoon!

I slept for more then a whole day. That's more then I've ever done in my whole life. I know I don't really care about school, but I feel like I've done something wrong.

I get up, and head out of my room to the bathroom. I see Yuki coming up the stairs in his uniform, and I get nervous. He stops when he sees me.

"Feeling better?" He asks. It's sour, sarcastic.

"Shigure let me stay home?"

"He didn't want you to miss school, but none of us could wake you up," he continues mordantly, "Go down to Honda-san. She was worried."

"…yeah." But instead, I head into the bathroom.

After brushing my teeth, I go downstairs to see Tohru writing on a piece of paper. She looks up.

"Kyo-kun! I'm so glad you're up! Are you okay now?"

"Yeah, perfect. Listen," I put my hand on her head, "Sorry for worrying you."

"O-oh n-no," she stutters, blushing.

"Are you going to the market?" I ask, pointing at what looks like a shopping list.

"Yes! Would- would you like to come with me, Kyo-kun?"

"Yeah. Let's go." She smiles and gathers her things.

"Let me go tell Yuki-kun where we are going, just a minute please," She turns her body and walks up the stairs, meeting him there. I watch out of the corner of my eye.

He smiles at her, that small, diminutive smile that rarely flashes across his face. The soft smiles he would save for Tohru and Haru and _anyone_ else, but not for me, never for me.

I walk outside first, and stop to wait for Tohru. I glance around and spot Hatori's black car.

Tohru slides the door shut, and smiles at me.

"Hatori's here?"

"Yes! He's talking with Shigure-san."

I tear my eyes away from the car and look at her.

Tohru was so small, so fragile.

_I want…to protect her._

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Sixteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	17. 17

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** You know, some fucker tried to get into my pants this weekend. I was just _lying down_ next to him, and he tries to give me a feel and pull my pants down! I was like, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!?!" Dude, it was scary! When I told him 'no', he acted like a whiny little bitch. Then he was all salty cause I didn't give him any. Asshole. o

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Seventeen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Kyo left. With Honda-san.

I can't stand having nothing to do.

I'm going to go…to my secret base.

I change my clothes, wanting to get away to the shady space that I can be alone.

After leaving the house to go to the small barely-worn trail, I hear their voices. I stop, and listen.

"-Rin."

"Did you know?"

"…no."

"…You're lying."

"Haa-san, Haa-san. That hurts me deeply, you know!"

"…Nothing hurts you."

"You'd be surprised at what hurts me."

I inch slowly to the corner of the deck. Their voices are clear.

"I don't understand your intentions, Shigure."

"I've already explained."

"That doesn't mean I understand."

I can see them, sitting down by the table and smoking. This is…_that_ Shigure. The Shigure I barely know.

"It doesn't matter. You don't have to understand." Shigure sounds indifferent.

"…"

"Well, at least the cage was being put to use, eh?"

The cage? I frown. What are they talking about?

"That's not funny." Hatori says critically.

"It's alright, isn't it? _Kureno_ saved the day in the end. It's fine." Shigure continues, speaking Kureno's name with malice. I raise my eyebrows.

They sit in silence for about a minute.

"I'm worried…about Kyo." Hatori says. I twitch. Shigure looks at Hatori, who stares back.

"I don't think he'll be able to take it."

"I know what you mean," Shigure barely contains a smile, "He'd sooner bite his tongue and die."

"…You know Akito's intentions. He's being put on display. You _know_ this."

"…yeah."

They sit in silence for about a minute. What? That…

_Makes sense._

"Haa-san?"

"…What?"

"Do you think…there's any chance…that Kyo won't be put in the cage?"

I freeze up, as several silent seconds pass by.

"Do you really want my honest opinion?"

Shigure smiles slightly.

"But Akito…isn't going to be alive much longer." Hatori says, watching Shigure carefully.

Shigure stands suddenly, and I jump. He goes into the house without looking back.

What…was that? …Why does he care if Akito is going to die soon?

Hatori follows him with his eyes. He sighs, running a hand through his hair and grinding his cigarette butt into the ashtray.

I step backward. Blood is pounding through my ears. I hate this…I _hate_ it!

I turn and walk the path, the sun beating down on me.

I've tried to accept everything for so long…ever since I knew I was different.

A bird twitters somewhere to my left. The ground is hard beneath my shoes.

It's not fair…but…it's _real_.

_It's not fair._

I'm here.

The seedlings I had planted weeks ago are sprouting. Tiny green shoots spring up from the dirt as they struggle to face the sun.

Dappled light falls through the leaves of the surrounding trees, sending a hazy heat to me.

Kyo…has it so much worse than anyone. I remember telling him…

"I realize it must be painful to be scorned the way you are…" 

It was a lie. I never knew. I never felt any of your pain, only pretended.

I kneel down next to the herbs and small bushes. Miniscule white flowers are budding from one.

They're so…innocent.

Like we were.

But we never got a chance.

We _never_ got a chance.

Why…should _they_?

I grasp the plant around the base of the stem, and pull on it.

_Yank_

Damp earth scatters across the ground.

I stay there panting.

It's not fair! 

_Yank_

_I've tried so hard…to help. But in the end, I…_

_I don't deserve this!_

_Yank_

My eyes start burning, and it hurts, everything aches.

_Yank_

_Why?_

A sob tears through my throat.

Tears run down my face drip to the dirt.

_Yank_

Blades tear off easily in my fingers.

I can't act like I can accept my fate; I will never accept it. No matter how may times I lie, it's already too late.

_Yank_

I want to annihilate everything. I want to make it dead. Just like _my_ everything has been destroyed from the moment I was sent into this world.

_Yank_

Thorns catch on my skin and tear it apart.

_Yank_

My fingers are sticky from the sap of ripped plants. Dirt is in my hair, my mouth, covering my hands.

_Yank_

And I collapse on all fours, like a child. I lie there and choke as sweat runs off me, clenching my fists in the dirt.

_I'm so filthy._

I head back. I can't stay here. I can't stand to face it.

_What gave me the right…?_

Walking unsteadily back towards the house, I dust off my dirty clothes. I hope Kyo and Honda-san aren't home yet. I look at my hands. Blood and dirt are smeared together and I try to rub it off.

The house comes into view, and I check for people. Hatori's car is gone. I walk towards it, and enter as quietly as possible, heading upstairs.

Glancing into the kitchen, I see Honda-san, putting groceries away. Kyo must be home. She doesn't spot me, and I walk quickly up the stairs and into the bathroom.

I let the water run over me for over an hour. I still…feel so dirty.

I can't wash off this stain.

* * *

Does fate exist?

Is it my fate that I be put away?

That's the thing.

If I don't know if it really is my _fate_, then how do I accept it?

I can't accept something I doubt.

I have to decide.

If I don't, then I don't, and it's good.

If I do, then I do.

I guess I can accept those choices.

If I do go into the cage…how will I go?

Will I fight to the very end?

Will I give up, and be some lifeless shell?

No…

I'm going to go with dignity.

With my head held high, without a fight.

No, I'm not going to give up. That doesn't mean I'll do everything to try and get away.

I can't run away.

And besides…even if it is childish, it will anger Akito the most. It's better then giving him the satisfaction of breaking me.

I can…rise above it.

I can stay in the cage, even if it is for the rest of my life. Even if I can watch the world age all around me.

A tight hand squeezes my chest and I breathe deep. I have to accept it. I _have_ to.

My eye catches a figure, and I take my arms from my head.

Yuki?

A warm, but nervous feeling climbs up my spine. I find myself watching him, admiring that…that beauty that seemed to radiate off him. But…it's not there.

He's so pale. More then usual, I mean. And he's dirty…what the hell? Did he fall in the dirt or something?

He stops and holds his hands out in front of him, and they shake. I crane my neck, and I can see his hands are grimy with dirt.

He walks into the house.

Where did he come from? The only place that's on the east side of the house…is that stupid 'secret base'. Oh. He must've been gardening, or whatever. He never got that dirty, though. It looks like he rolled around in the mud. God, who knows what he does.

I'll admit it; I spied on him and Tohru a few times, resentful of them having a special place. But it wasn't really that extraordinary. I remember the first time they walked off together, and Shigure said something about a 'love nest', and I became insanely jealous.

But when I followed them inconspicuously, I was disappointed. They just gardened and talked how they usually did.

Why did he seem so upset, anyway?

Oh well, it's not like I care.

…

Jeez, I'm such a hypocrite.

I hop off the roof, glad to feel no pain from my back. I turn around to see if anyone is watching me, but the house is silent, bar the TV and the lights through the windows. It's slowly becoming evening, but it's not like I'm going to get lost.

I walk leisurely, not really caring what Yuki was up to, just curious. Bored, actually.

I shove my hands in my pockets, and breath deep before turning down the unfamiliar path. I walk for a few more minutes, before sidestepping the tree grove that blocks the entrance.

I stop.

It's completely destroyed.

Everything is torn apart and thrown around like a tornado hit the place. Mangled plants are uprooted and lie on their sides. My heart thumps loudly. The shock is enough to floor me. Did Yuki do this?

Why?

Why would he ruin something he worked so hard to care for?

I kneel down and finger the naive shoots that were dug up and crushed.

What sort of sick display was this?

My features soften.

He didn't do it…for a reason like that.

But he'd never lost control before.

I don't know why. But _he_ does…and maybe, just maybe, that was good enough.

I look around at the plants that were once standing strait, in perfect neat rows.

Whenever I've seen it, it looked so peaceful. I can see why Yuki goes here all the time.

To think he created life, and cared for it.

Nothing that beautiful should be wreaked.

And I grab the nearest plant, with broad green leaves, and dig a hole for it with my hands. I place the roots inside, to about what I think the length should be, and smooth the dirt. I sit back to admire my handiwork.

It's strange, a single plant in the midst of all the dead ones. I move over slightly, and grab the next plant.

And as I put back the next one, and the next one, I think of how many times Yuki must have touched these plants. Besides Tohru, they are the only things he has ever taken care of.

And the weird thing is, they seemed to take care of him just the same.

They each owned each other, in a perfect synchronization of trust and love that somehow I've missed until now.

Maybe it's because…that's all I've ever wanted.

I always hate when people talk about love.

When Shigure would go off on one of his long-winded tirades about flowers and symphonies, it would take everything in me not to react.

When Tohru would talk of how her mother loved her, and how she loved her back and the special bond that even in death has not been broken, I tried my best not to care.

And I tried my best not to cry, when alone in my room I knew that I would never, never experience falling in love or have it shared.

Instead I would smile at Tohru, pretending I was happy for her. Or I would tell that damn dog to shut it, saying he knew nothing of love, for how could anyone love such a scheming bastard?

When I myself, have never felt it, it was a horrible thing to say.

I know there are those who love me. Like a son, or a friend, or even a brother. It's okay for them to love me.

But _him_…he doesn't see the difference between me and a persistent pebble in his shoe. And always, I used to feel so inferior to him that it made me want to scream in frustration, shake him and make him understand.

I have so much guilt in my life. Even to this day, I cannot help but wonder if I am responsible for all those deaths. Every day a part of me dies and falls away.

I prick myself on some kind of berry bush. I scowl at it, but put it back anyway. It fits Yuki's personality perfectly. Try as I might to help him, he always has to retaliate with vocal gibes or a beating.

Was he stupid? Did I have to spell it out for him? Well…I guess my sort of 'helping' isn't easy to see. How the hell I could love such a bastard?

My hands stop moving. What did I just…?

That's stupid! Of course I don't! It's like what Haru said, 'raging teenage hormones' or whatever!

But my mouth still goes dry, and the pitiful excuses fade.

I wait in silence for some voice of reason, some voice that isn't mine to tell me otherwise, to explain in means of understanding that _no_, you can't _possibly_ love him…

There was no other voice, only my own, screaming the words at me.

I do, I do, I do.

I do love him.

I do, why can't you see that?

_Why can't you love me back?_

I press the back of my fingers to my eyes, but hot tears are already spilling onto the dirt, and I feel so _helpless_.

I can't do anything. I can't force him to love me back.

I can only…watch, from a distance, like I've had to do with everything else in my life.

And the same questions, the same hatred for something intangible comes back full force.

_Why me? I don't deserve this. I swear, not this._

It took me so long…to realize this.

Somewhere, in the small hours between sleeping and waking, I'd fallen for him.

Somewhere along the line, I realized that I loved him.

And it hurts.

It hurts so badly.

But…I don't want it to stop.

It's a sweet pain. It hurts so much, but I want _more_.

Will I be happier, now that I had the experience of falling in love?

It isn't the same with Tohru. I didn't…I didn't ache for her like this. I didn't _need_ her like this.

…

It's a while before I can get myself under control again.

I survey the garden, and am surprised that I finished replanting the entire thing. I then realize that it's dark…pitch black, in fact. How long have I been out here? Tohru's probably worked herself into a fever again.

Tohru…the thought of her kindness seems to help lift me up some.

I dust off my pants, take a deep breath, and head back to the house.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Seventeen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	18. 18

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** yummy :)…and you know what's coming up next chapter? Do you:D

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Eighteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

After taking a shower, where there was no damn hot water, I contemplate just falling onto my bed and sleeping, but I go down to dinner.

Everyone is already eating, and I have a memory of that time I came down, trying not to be noticed; and everything is the same except for the fact that I'm changed inside.

I glance at Tohru, Shigure- and finally Yuki. How long…have I been idolizing his features?

They all looked up at me as I sat down. Tohru said something mindless, Shigure twinkles, and Yuki merely goes back to eating. He looks exhausted; and I know why.

All through dinner, I catch myself absorbed by him. And when he finally looks up, my heart thumps in my throat.

But-

I only scowl at him. Even if it hurts just a little.

I'm only protecting myself.

I'm only watching him, from a safe distance.

After a while, everyone is gone. But still I sit there, gazing into space. I feel drunk. Everything is surreal.

After a while, I head to my room, already imagining the sleep that awaited me.

As I enter and flop on my bed, I think again of my confession.

I love him…and that was all there was to it.

Why him? Why the rat of all people? It was so ironic it almost made me want to laugh.

Everything about it screamed wrongness and taboo.

And for a few more seconds, I think about it.

And then my mind conjures an image.

An image so horrifying, that I nearly killed myself.

For reasons best known to my stupid brain, I start just imagining Yuki as he was. And then- I think of what had happened previously. When Yuki kissed me. I know it was probably just to startle me, or get some weird revenge.

Then, I imagine it again. His hot mouth on mine, whispering words that catch in the back of my throat.

He was naked, he was sweaty, he was _passionate_.

My face burns instantly, accompanied by a searing heat that starts in my stomach but travels ominously downward.

I stare in shock for a second. I do not want to do this; it's embarrassing, it goes against my own morals.

I jump up, try to clear my head, and grab random clothes and step outside, bent on taking a _very_ cold shower and thinking of the kind of beating I would get if Yuki knew what I had imagined about him.

* * *

The thin lines of lead are scattered across the paper with numerous symbols; my habit of clicking the mechanical pencil has gotten worse lately.

I run my hand through my hair, aware of the safe feeling my room gave me. Shigure rescued me from the main house and let me live here; it was my sanctuary.

I finished my homework; it had proved hard. I was being easily distracted by thoughts of my garden.

I run my hand over the smooth lamp until my fingers find the switch and throw me into darkness.

I hunker outside, so distracted that when I travel to the bathroom to wash my face, I don't even notice the large, hulking figure coming out of it.

We smack into each other lightly; my instinct from constant transformations causes me to grab his arms. He's wet, apparently just out of the shower. I stumble back somewhat to look up and see Kyo, who for some reason looks horrified. My stomach twinges and I whip my hands down.

I open my mouth to chide him- but the words are stopped short.

His emblazoned hair is plastered to his skin; water slides down his jaw and beyond his Adams apple. My eyes travel slowly downward, past the tanned, broad shoulders and his well-shaped chest. Still yet his hard stomach shines in the dim light, and I am given a teasing glimpse of his slim hips. Finally the water comes to rest, soaking into the low waistband of his jeans.

My mouth hangs open slightly, before Kyo squawks something, apparently not noticing my stare.

He jerks abrasively past me. I stand there for a minute.

_What…is this…?_

* * *

The next morning, I get up later then usual. I put on my uniform tie with trembling fingers, clenching them when they wont stop shaking. I look in the full-length mirror. My tie is done strait, perfectly.

I am surprised to find Honda-san's absence in the kitchen, and the result of my search is in the living room. Kyo is lying on the couch, covered in blankets and an ice pack. Honda-san explains tearily that he is sick. I stare at the sleepless eyes.

"What…the hell…are you staring at…you…damn…" Kyo begins to cough. Honda-san flutters around, and my eyes narrow.

"I was just thinking of how much trouble you're causing Honda-san. She's going to be late now."

"Wah-? Shaddup, ya stupid little…I'm gonna-" Honda-san interrupts him by putting her small hands on his shoulders.

"Please, you two, you shouldn't be fight- _UWAH!_" Kyo's elbows give way to her small pressure, and he frumps back into the couch in surprise as Honda-san topples after him. He transforms with a small cloud of dust. He really must be sick.

"_**Kyo-**__**KUN, I'M SO SORRY**_!" Honda-san howls, losing her head completely.

"Watch what you're doing, stupid!" He squalls, shaking out of his clothes to reveal the orange cat with claret eyes.

"The only stupid one in this situation is you," I interrupt coldly. He turns his flashing ruby eyes to me and hisses.

"You damn-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU-?" I reach over and grab him by the scruff of his neck, and he takes a swipe at me with extended claws. I frown down at the small face, and I feel his hackles rise as he growls deeply in his throat and glares with fierce eyes.

Walking over to the door that leads outside, I ignore his ineffective writhing.

"Um…Yuki-kun?" Honda-san asks wearily, putting her hands up and looking apprehensive.

"Put me down, you damn rat!" Kyo twists his head around and sinks his small teeth into my hand. I scowl, slide the door open, and drop-kick him into the trees.

"AAAHHH!" Honda-san screams. The orange body flails through midair and Kyo gives a cattish shriek that falls in a crescendo.

"YUKI-KUN, Kyo-KUN!"

"Don't worry Honda-san. All cats land on their feet." I refrain from smirking. But she rushes past me to search for him.

"You damn rat!" He screeches, and I see Honda-san run back and come out again with his clothes, her hand over her eyes, babbling about how sorry she is. I go in the kitchen, get my bag, and walk past the now clothed Kyo who is ranting.

I ignore him and ask, "Are you going to go to school or what?" He's breathing harder then usual.

"It's just a little cold!"

"But Kyo-kun!"

"I'm _fine_! Go with that damn rat now! Don't be late! I'll be there later!"

I watch him disdainfully as he stomps back inside. Honda-san looks worried.

"It's alright, Honda-san. He'll be fine. We should go."

"…yes."

* * *

Student Council duties were cancelled due to who know what, so I reside in going home early.

The sun beats on he back of my neck, and as I go in I tell Shigure, who is watching TV, I'm home.

In my room, I change into short-sleeved shirt, observing the stitching my brother did a while a go.

I don't know when the garden was started. It was the perfect place, not too sunny but not too shady either; it worked for all plants. I felt bad for destroying it; not for the plants, but for what I would have to tell Honda-san. She would be so disappointed.

I suppose I'm just going to have to clean it up and say there was a disease…even if I hated lying to her. She wouldn't understand, as much as I would want to believe she would. I remember when she first came here.

It looked…the same?

_What?_

* * *

Boredom has always been a problem for me; Shishou always told me I was impatient. I mope around my room, trying to fight off the exhaustion. Tohru thinks I'm sleeping, but right now I couldn't sleep to save my life.

What I really want to do is find that damn rat and kick his ass! What if the newspaper guy had come at that time and seen me naked? That little fucker! Like I said, I can't believe I-

…

Let's not go there.

I head downstairs to the kitchen.

"You don't know what he was talking about, do you, Tohru-kun?" I walk past Shigure. Is he talking about _me_? The bastard.

"No, ah-! Kyo-kun! You're awake!" She watches as I scope out the fridge, "Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm just looking," I answer, closing it. It was an old habit of mine, looking in the fridge even though I wasn't hungry.

"Are you sure? I can make you a snack…"

"No thanks," I dismiss her lazily.

"Um…oh! I'm sorry Shigure-san, I was ignoring you!" She turns back to him.

"Did you happen to discern what Yuki-kun was blathering about?" He asks again, his hand above his head on the doorframe.

"I'm not sure what he meant, do you?"

"I didn't do anything, Tohru-kun."

"No! I mean, I'm not sure…do you think maybe a disease wiped out his garden?"

My skin prickles.

"What?" I say gruffly, "what's wrong with that stupid garden?"

"Oh! Um…Yuki-kun was just asking if we did anything to it…I don't know what could be wrong…" She looks confused. I catch Shigure raising his eyebrows at me.

"I didn't do anything to his stupid plants! That's low _and_ stupid!" I snap at him. He looks slightly satisfied and goes to his room muttering about the irrationality of youth.

"I'm going to go sleep; don't bother me till tomorrow." I tell Tohru. Then I feel bad for being sharp with her.

"Of course, Kyo-kun! Tomorrow is Saturday, so you can sleep in as much as you like."

"Yeah. 'night." I climb up the stairs, going into my room. The jumping in my stomach tells me I have no intention of sleeping. The sun had turned a glowy orange; in a while it would be dark. I go to the window and slip out of it.

* * *

Does he really care that much?

My hands brush against the tops of the plants. I survey the slightly crooked work.

The rows would never be as strait as my practiced hands would have them; but they were the best work by far.

I'm blinded, and I want to scream and cry because it _hurts_.

But I can't. _I can't._

* * *

I'm very quiet as I walk there; I don't want him watching me. I guess I'll just say that Tohru wanted me to get him for dinner; a ready-made excuse.

I listen for a few seconds, but I can't hear anything. My hand brushes against the tree trunks and my eyes latch onto the gray and silver mass sprawled on the dirt.

He's lying on the ground; one arm is over his eyes, the other resting on his stomach. I scan the garden; it's how I left it. Even the crooked things I missed are the same.

I slowly walk over to him, and kneel next to his unmoving figure. My fingers twist gently through his silver hair. It feels like silk.

He suddenly snaps up, and I jump in surprise; He grips my wrist tightly and shoves it away from him.

He stares at me, scrambling back on all fours, still reaching out to push me away. His hand finds my arm, but he doesn't let go. I can feel his nails digging into my skin.

The dark, misty eyes stare through me, and they flicker to the garden. I just look at him, not wanting to believe I can see something other than hatred in his eyes. The silence is so heavy.

_Because I…love you. I do._

He can't hear me.

Our breath quickens, and I can feel the fire burning throughout my body. My hands travel to his face, and I grip it harshly. His fists twist in my jacket.

_Even…if you don't feel the same way._

We weave back and forth. He's not sure if this is what he wants, he knows this is wrong. It's forbidden. It's an inward battle that he can't win no matter what he does.

But why? Why does he want it? It's not possible that he wants this, not after everything. He hates me. And I believe it. He hates me. He _hates_ me.

And I love you, you stupid, _fucking_ rat. I really fucking love you.

I move forward in a fast, desperate way, until my mouth collides into his.

_Even if this means nothing to you._

I twist my lips to the seam of his mouth; his parts and I slip my tongue inside to meet his own. I force his head back until he's straining to stay up; he grabs my shoulders and pushes me until we are both on our knees.

Clutching my hair, he tips my head back so he can attack my mouth with chattering teeth and a persistent tongue.

A deep hum erupts into my ears; everything is surreal. He pushes me back until I'm flat on the dirt. He straddles over me, forcing my neck up to keep the sweet kiss.

I'm sure he's never kissed like this before, but he wont let me catch my breath.

Fingers climb to the back of my neck and I shiver, my head jerking away from him and gasping. His mouth clamps over my neck, and I close my eyes and hiss through my teeth as his tantalizing tongue slides over my skin.

I dip my head to capture his lips again, and slide my tongue over his. He pushes my shoulders down, farther and farther until I'm lying in the dirt again. Stopping, he grasps my wrists, and pins them above my head.

I make a desperate, animalistic noise. He leans down again, but stops short of my heaving chest. His sweat-dampened hair is hanging down, and I _want_ him. But he waits. He waits for a long time.

Slowly, he gets up and steps off of me and turns his back, holding a limp arm like he always does.

I stare at him, and slowly hurt and slightly ashamed feelings surface. I get up gradually and don't move.

"It's dark," he says quietly. I flick my eyes around; evening has already fallen.

I clutch the material over my chest.

"We should go back." It's even quieter than the first statement. It's unsure, testing.

I say nothing. If I agreed, if I made this seemed like it was just a fling, I would ruin it. So I remain silent. He doesn't look back.

After a long silence, where neither of us knows what to do, he begins to walk to the path that leads home. His quiet crashing through the bushes fades. I wait for a few minutes; as much as I wanted to be alone, I didn't want to stay _here_. I walk back unhurriedly; I was so nervous.

I breathe heavier and brush off my shirt self-consciously. I go around to the back, hoping I don't meet anyone else.

Alone in my room, I can finally think.

It starts to rain.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Eighteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	19. 19

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** About time, boys. It's here. It's finally here. At long last, I can truthfully say…GAY SEX!! It's not explicit.And I've always wanted Hatori and Shigure to have a huge fight.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Nineteen-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

"You make it sound as though I am already dead."

The soliloquist voice murmurs across the dark room, words spoken in riddles.

I reach out and touch the alabaster face.

"But you won't die, Akito." I smile.

"What makes you say that? Do you doubt the curse?" He lifts his face up slightly, watching me with slanted sinister eyes.

I tilt my head slightly; the smile vanishes from my lips.

"I have no qualms."

"Am I the only one who has faith?" He yells, raising himself up on his arms, "Is it I, alone in the family that sees the curse through?"

"I do not disbelief the effects of the curse," my voice strains, "nor was I comparing you to any of the family."

Akito stands, silent for a few seconds.

"You are forgiven," he says indifferently. He suddenly kneels down, his hands sliding over my shoulders. I tense, but do not move. He lays his head on my chest.

"Has Kyo developed a new respect for me yet?" The sudden question takes me by surprise.

Akito takes advantage of my hesitation.

"Stubborn, worthless cat," his eyes narrow, "it still needs to learn it's place…"

I swallow, averting my pangs of conscious. Akito looks into my eyes, and tilts his head towards mine. I can feel the soft breath on my face as I study the intricate details of his lips.

"Do you love me, Shigure?" he questions.

"More than anything," I answer.

* * *

"Yuki-kun?" Honda-san swirls her head to look at me. I smile at her pureness.

"Yes?"

"Um…that is…is it alright if I stay the night at Hana-chan's house?"

"Of course, Honda-san. But," I interrupt her frequent thanks, "you really don't need to ask my permission."

"Of course I do! I mean, I want you to be prepared for dinner! Be-because I made leftovers, and they're in the refrigerator!"

"Okay, Honda-san," I place my hand on her head, "Have fun. Are you leaving soon?"

"Y-yes."

I smile at her, and then turn my eyes. I swallow as I think.

"Where's…never mind." I push the darkened face out of my mind.

"Oh! I almost forgot, how stupid of me!" I look around. "Shigure-san said he was going to stay at the main house until tomorrow… he wont be back until late in the day. And I wont either, come to think of it, we wanted to see a movie…"

I stare at her for a moment.

"Does that mean I'm stuck with that stupid cat tonight?" I say blandly.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Yuki-kun! I should've realized you wouldn't like to stay with each other! If-if you want, I'll cancel the-"

"No, Honda-san. You are so unselfish. I'm glad you're going out, you work too hard." She blushes and stutters.

"Oh, n-no…but…thank you so much! Um…for dinner, all you have to do is heat up the food that is in the refrigerator, maybe for two minutes on the stove. And…the laundry is clean, too. Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself?"

"Everything will be fine. Do you mind if I walk you to the road?"

"No, not at all! Thank you so much!"

* * *

I get home from the dojo, take off my shoes and yell. When no one answers, I pop in to see the house completely empty.

"Is anyone home? Hello…!" Oh well. I push worry aside when I realize that Tohru probably just stayed behind with Yuki and his student officer duties. Or whatever.

I tramp upstairs and stop when I see his door closed; I close my hand around the doorknob and twist without really realizing what I was doing.

I stare in surprise as I see Yuki's back. He hears me and turns his head with a neutral look, which quickly turns into a glare as he sees my face. A wave of embarrassment catches me.

"Sh-shit!"

"What are you barging into my room for?" He says icily.

"I was just-seeing if you were home." I blurt heatedly, my cheeks burning. I am about to close the door when I push it open again. He raises an eyebrow like I'm crazy.

"Where's Tohru?" I ask in a cutting voice.

"At Hanajima-sans." He answers quickly. I try and push the memories of his garden completely out of my head; I am failing miserably. He takes my silence differently.

"Shigure's staying at the main house." So…we're alone? For a whole night? Jeez…

He suddenly pushes abrasively past me, using his arm on my shoulder to touch as little of me as possible. He stops in the middle of the doorway to turn his head and survey me with quiet eyes. My breath catches in my throat. A flicker of what seems like hurt catches his face, but he steps away.

"Are you going to stand there or come down to eat?" I glare to the left of him, and he turns to go down the stairs.

Down in the kitchen, I remember the rain and look outside to see that it had stopped, although the sky is still gray.

Gray…

I stretch my arms and my stomach rumbles. I shake my head to clear the nervous feeling of sleeping and missing something. The gloomy sky reflects my emotions. I open the fridge.

Yuki clears his throat in an irritated manner. I turn my back to him and hope he goes into the other room. I stare intently at the peanut butter.

When I don't move, he walks past me and retrieves the leftovers. His long-sleeved arm barely grazes mine, and I feel my skin crawl up my right side. I repress a shiver. I still haven't moved.

He gets a pan from under the sink, and empties the food onto it. He turns the stove on and grabs a wooden spoon and begins to stir what looks like fried noodles around. A thin line of black smoke plumes through the air after a few minutes. Annoyance runs through me.

I walk over and knock his arm out of the way, where he steps back and looks at me reproachfully.

"You're going to burn it, stupid," I say recklessly, rummaging through the cabinet, "you can't cook worth a damn."

"Really," He crosses his arms and watches as I unscrew the top to the oil jar and pour some on. Dumbass. Oil is the basic essential in not burning noodles! Moron, stupid, idiot!

I don't take my eyes off the pan, seeing how he's watching me!

"Stop _staring_ at me!" I yell, turning to him. He closes his eyes haughtily and sits down at the table. I swear under my breath and glare down at the noodles, which are ready. I twist the stove off and slam the pot on the middle of the table.

Pulling up a chair noisily, I spoon the noodles onto my plate, then shoving the pot toward him. He catches the handle with ease and disdain, serving himself a small portion and begins eating in silence.

My eyes travel to his mouth. When I realize this, I avert them and flush. The tension is so thick in the room that I start suffocating. My stomach growls.

Arrgghh…if he can pretend like nothing happened, so can I. When I grab a pair of chopsticks and rip them apart, I think I hear Yuki snort. I begin shoveling food into my mouth, almost hoping for him to retort, to make things how they used to be. I stare down at the noodles and the hairs on my body start to rise. My entire body burns.

I look up to see him eating, his eyes closed and neutral. I wait for the scorn for my cooking, but it doesn't come.

My eating slows down until I stop altogether. He notices the lack of noise and opens his dim eyes to find me staring at him. We watch each other for a few seconds, until I can't stand it anymore. The fire I had previously known is starting to creep down my spine. I stand up suddenly, nearly upending the table. He puts his chopsticks down.

"What is it?"

"What the hell do you think it is? This…this is just so _fucked_ up!"

I start panting and stare at his silence for a minute.

"What…would you have me do?" He asks slowly, his eyes looking at the table.

"I don't know! You always knew what to do, right? Yeah…you _always_…"

I trail off and run my hands through my hair. Yuki stands up. His eyes are still closed. He is frowning slightly.

"I'm not perfect, contrary to what you might think." He says in an annoyed tone. Using my forearm to splay across his shoulders, I slam him up against the wall. His eyes snap open in a small glare.

"God _damn_ you. You're the farthest thing from perfect." I snarl quietly. When I inhale, I can smell his scent, the strange aroma that wasn't sweet or gross. It was just…Yuki's scent. I lick my lips nervously.

"Then why ask me these things? Just put what you know to your head." His whole features…are strangely beautiful. The contrasting eyes and skin, his lips…

I don't know _anything_ anymore! I don't know why I'm talking to you, or why I'm even doing this…but…but…!" My fingers dig into his shoulder.

I kiss him. I can sense Yuki's shock. But that's not it. My tongue brushes against his lower lip. I feel his mouth part slightly. His warm breath mingles with mine, and I can feel the passion come back full force. My grip tightens on him as our tongues graze each other.

I jerk my head back, looking, searching, and almost _hoping_ for rejection. I can see the burning desire in his eyes, and know mine must look the same. My breathing is hard, and my vision goes hazy.

I need this…now.

I step forward, making him flat against the wall.

"Don't…say…anything." Yuki pants. His usually flawless skin has a sheen of sweat. Then his mouth is on mine again, my hands tangling through his hair. Silver hair. Soft, damp, silver…

Lip-locked, we stumble blindly up the stairs, and push the door open. I don't know who's room it is, but I don't care, either.

We fall onto the bed, trying to catch our breath.

"What…?" I start, the heat making it unbearable.

"I don't know." Yuki says quickly. "But I want to."

We lean in closer, slowly, too slow. I can feel the heat, the searing painfulness bubbling up between us.

My eyes dart from his eyes to his lips. His mouth closes over mine again. My tongue slips through my parted lips.

I tear at my shirt, aching to feel his burning skin against mine.

All I can hear is breathless breathing.

I pin his wrists to the sheets, wanting to claim that small, effeminate body as my own, but he forces me back down.

With surprise I can feel his hand scrabbling at my belt. He takes it apart and I reach down to undo the pants myself. He pulls his own down, both of us panting, trying to get undressed quicker. It was done without second thought.

He slides down my body until his head is at my shoulder. One of my hands is scraping at is back, and the other is clutched tightly in his hair.

I can't even see anymore. Everything's a blur… I can't concentrate on anything but this…this feels so _good_…

I know what's coming next, and I turn my face away and gasp for air. I feel his tongue slide across my shoulder and I groan.

And I want to push him away, because this is what I've always wanted. This is what I always imagined. And it _hurts_. It hurts so _badly_.

He suddenly shoves himself into me and bites down on my shoulder at the same time.

A searing heat.

I yelp in pain. My nails drag across his back.

_It's so quiet._

I can feel his lips on my own again, but I twist my head to the side.

My face is burning from the intense sensation. My throat chokes out his name.

_Like the entire world…has stopped._

A tension seizes my muscles up and then relaxes them, and for half a second my mind is completely blank.

I can see his face. It's screwed up, shining. He crawls up and places a sloppy kiss on the side of my mouth. He grunts and falls off me, breathing heavily. A warm sensation is filling me.

I turn over, untangling myself to see his eyes half-lidded. He gives a slight smirk and they close completely. I feel weak and shaky, like I haven't eaten in ages. The blank buzzing in my brain grows fiercer, and I blink hard.

My fingers find his hair, touch his face. I want to kiss him, but I can't move…

It's confused and pained and angry and chaotic.

My eyes droop against my will, and I too fall asleep.

Outside, it starts to rain.

* * *

"Is he sleeping?"

Shigure looks back indifferently, adjusting the dark blue kimono that had started to slip down his shoulder. I glance down at the naked pale white skin drowning in sheets.

"Hnn. What did you want, Haa-san?" He steps out of the room and closes the shoji. We begin to walk to the east side of the main house. I frown at him.

"I came to check up on Akito. Your visits with him are starting to become a hindrance, Shigure."

I can see the annoyance flash through his eyes as we walk along the path. We enter my room, and he sits down at the table, reaching for my cigarettes. He taps a single one out of its box and holds it between his lips, lighting it quickly and tossing the match into the ashtray. I begin to put my work away in silence for several minutes. He speaks suddenly.

"You were in love once, too." He grinds the smoldering cigarette butt into the tray, and it sizzles quietly. Anger clouds my chest.

"Love? You have no idea what love _is_." I bite, crossing my arms and turning to face him.

"What are you saying? That maybe this-my entire _life_, is a _farce_?" He stands up quickly, and I lean back, surprised at his quick fury.

"Shigure-!"

"You're nothing but a filthy hypocrite!"

"_What_?" I ask quietly, my lip curling.

"_You're_ the one who erased Kana's memories, not Akito or anyone else!" He screams. My insides plummet. No…it was _punishment_…_my_ punishment.

"You know _nothing_ of love!" I gesture to myself violently, my voice rising until I'm yelling.

"And you? You _let_ Kana be ripped apart like that! I'm not _weak_ like you!" He knocks a vase violently to the ground, and it shatters into a thousand jagged pieces, "I'm not going to let that happen- I'm not going to _give up_!"

The weight of his words- the words I've run from for so long- tirades over me. My knuckles turn white, and my mouth opens and I'm screaming back at him.

"You're an infatuated boy, as usual, Shigure- once you tire of Akito, you'll leave her like a broken toy! _Like you've done with everyone else!_"

I stay there panting, waiting for the reaction. I can see the blood drain from his face and he stops moving, just like that. He licks his lips.

He opens his mouth to speak, but it cracks and fades. He gazes down, and after half a minute he walks past me and out the door.

I stare at the door breathing heavily, hoping, wanting him to come back. But I can't hear a single sound.

* * *

I wake up with a start. I prop up on my elbows and turn over immediately to see if it's true. My worst fears are confirmed when I see the messy silver hair. His head suddenly turns and he opens his large eyes to stare at me.

The words flash through my head.

And I'm struck with this burning desire to say them, but I catch myself and frown.

The heat returns to my face, and he flushes too. I lay back down with him and we both stare up at the ceiling.

"I can't believe we _did_ that." I say quietly.

His silence agrees with me.

He raises himself up so the blankets fall to his thin, pale waist. He is so striking.

"We should get up."

I sit up immediately, and a fiery pain shoots through my abdomen. I take a sharp breath and grasp my stomach. That really, _really_ hurts! …Why they hell was I the catcher anyway? I'm the one who's more of the man in this relationship! I turn red at the thoughts.

"Are you alright?" Yuki asks, looking at me.

"Dandy," I mutter, putting my hand down. An awkward silence settles over us.

I don't move, seeing as how I'm naked. I keep the blankets well covered. God, I can't believe I actually did that. I mean…it's sort of shocking.

Yuki hasn't moved either; I can't help myself, and I blush again.

"What's wrong?" He asks quietly.

"I'm…I mean…I'm not sure…" I trail off. This is so new, talking to him but not fighting. It's unbidden territory, and I don't know how to handle it.

I glance behind me. His back is to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. Just the sight of him makes me feel warm. I turn back when I see him reach for his clothes. I'd seen him naked so many times before; only now was I embarrassed by it.

I sit there listening to him pull his clothes on. He enters my vision, buttoning up his shirt. He watches me somewhat disdainfully through thick lashes.

He heads toward the door and opens it.

"It felt right to me," He says. I turn quickly to look at him, but he is already gone.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Nineteen-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	20. 20

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** The lemon last chapter was not as detailed as many of you hormoneous people would of liked it to been; however, it wasn't meant to be- I didn't want to focus on the sex, I wanted to focus on the feelings. Have no fear; there will be more fun later!

Also, it's the twentieth chapter! Wow! And I'm still going strong!

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

"Kyo."

I glance back at him halfway, edging out of the living room. Typical he had to spoil the TV show, although in all honesty I hated every second of it. I see him cross his arms.

"And you scorn _me_ for running away, you hypocrite?" I freeze at the words spat at me, and glare back at him. I breathe deep. I need to be true to my feelings. I need to push myself a little harder…or I'll die alone.

I walk over to where he sits on the couch, and take a seat cross-legged on the floor.

"To you, what was last night?" He asks. The bluntness of the question shocks me. And I wanted to say it. But I couldn't, I wasn't ready. I would destroy this if I did. It was too early.

Even…if I never get to say it. Even if I die with the words still caught in my throat.

Was it pride? Maybe.

I just didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want to tell him and have him scorn me or laugh. I didn't want to have it ripped away before I had a chance with it. Like it's always been.

"I don't know…" I say. He had been so honest. It felt right to him? I couldn't think of anything else all morning.

He smirks, and rests his head on an arm.

"I don't, either."

He opens his eyes and watches me for a moment.

"You know I ain't a homo, right?" I say suddenly. Not me, not Kyo Sohma, epitome of the manly man. I wasn't some fag.

"Neither am I," He states. An uncomfortable silence follows.

"Are you so desperate, you would even have _me_?" He asks dispassionately. My eyes widen in shock.

"What? _Don't_ be stupid, and _don't_ misinterpret my silence!" He takes his arm down, looking at me seriously.

"I don't know why I did it…but I just _did_, and I _wanted_ to, okay?!" I kneel, clenching my hands into fists, wanting to make him understand. "And it wasn't…one of those stupid one-night stands or whatever, because _I_ didn't want it to end!!"

I reach up and take his face in my hands, and he just looks at me with silent eyes. Leaning over, we are within millimeters of each other's lips.

"And I still don't," I breath heavily, narrowing my eyes, which have begun to burn.

He closes the space, swallowing my words in a single, fluid movement.

I savor it, trying to memorize every detail. He pulls away, burying his head into my hand with a tormented look. And I _understand_.

He frowns momentarily.

And I know. And I want to _tell_ him, but I _cant_, and it _hurts_! I _can't_ tell him…because I don't want to hurt him or myself…

For a while, we merely stay like that.

"…Are you sure…you want to do this?" I raise my eyes to his, and frown.

"It's a dangerous game that we're playing." He says slowly. A string of hurt twinges inside me. This isn't some game, this is-!….

"Too tough for you, rat?" I say, the old words rolling off my tongue expertly. He cocks his head slightly, and a hint of a smirk rises on both of our faces.

"It's a challenge then, is it?" He backs his head off my hand and looks at me haughtily.

"I'm afraid you'll find yourself stuck with the short stick again, stupid cat."

"We'll see," I say, the time too short to prove anything to him. He suddenly looks pensive.

"I…" He stops talking.

"What is it?" He looks me directly in the eye. I tense my body.

"Am I a good kisser?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_**What?!**_"

"Is there something wrong?"

"Don't talk about that!" I say, blushing hard, "And _no_, your _not_!" Even though I'm lying. His kisses were worth everything.

"_Really_?" He questions, standing and looming over me, and excitement floods my veins. "Perhaps you weren't paying _attention_."

Moving with speed he usually reserves for battles, he shoves me over the coffee table, knocking Shigure's ashtray askew and making me fly to the ground from the force. He straddles me painfully.

"Let me up, you damn-!"

"We're hoooome! Yuki-kun, Kyo-kun!"

_Holy…!_ Yuki jumps up immediately, and before I can even react, the shouji slides apart, and Yuki kicks me in the ribs. I fly through the paper doors, yowling with shock.

Tohru gives a high-pitched scream as I fly past her and land hard on the grassy ground, raising myself up and coughing. She collapses onto the deck, panting hard as groceries spill everywhere.

"You damn rat!" I screech, holding my side, which throbs with pain. I stomp back into the house, to see him running his hand through his hair nonchalantly and Shigure looking with interest at the upside-down coffee table.

"Stop your whining, I'm sick of it," he says coldly. I am taken aback for a split second. I catch his eye, but reveal nothing.

_You conceited bastard…dangerous or not, I'm going to win this game._

"Well, I'm sorry the best results of your cooking is shit on toast!" I snarl. He narrows his eyes, and inside I laugh. That's what you get for kicking me so hard, you bastard.

"It's better than being stupid," he replies. Shigure smiles and shakes his head.

"Alright, that's enough, you two. You're going to destroy my house." Yuki crosses his arms and goes outside to help Tohru with her bags. Shigure glances at me, lips pursed.

"You took quite the beating, Kyo-kun?"

"I DID NOT!!"

He gestures at the table and raises an eyebrow. My stomach quirks.

"I'm not cleaning that up! _He_ made the mess, _he_ can clean it!" I stomp upstairs into my room, and only there do I flop on my bed and allow myself to smile into my pillow.

* * *

The next morning, I go downstairs earlier than usual. We only had about a week's vacation for winter, but I couldn't sleep in today. I was thinking too hard.

When I get there, Tohru is sitting down, drinking tea with Shigure and Yuki. Tohru 'good-morning's' me, and Shigure stands. I raise an eyebrow.

"Yuki-kun, Kyo-kun, are you ready?"

"Huh?" I stare at him. He looks at us with a surprised expression on his face.

"What's gotten into you boys? Did you really forget?"

We both come up blank.

"Helloooooo? New Year's? Sanga-nichi? Family festival? Have you remembered yet?"

"Rings a stupid little bell," Yuki replies evenly.

"_What_?" What is he talking about? We _never_ go to that stupid thing anymore. I see Yuki cross his arms.

"What makes you think I'm going?" He says flatly. Shigure sighs.

"Yeah, we've skipped the last couple of years, why the hell would we want to go with you now?"

"Because Tohru-kun here," he gestures at her, and she looks nervous, "is going to stay with her grandfather for the next three days. I assumed you two wouldn't want to be stuck in the house with each other."

Disappointment and excitement flood through me at the same time.

"It's better than being with the rest of the family," Yuki says stubbornly. I try not to look at him.

Shigure closes his eyes, and I can tell his usually boundless patience is wearing thin.

"All of the family members will be there, and you two are no exception. Go and pack your things."

Yuki and I exchange glances for a split second, before turning and going up the stairs together. His silence is enough to tell me he's nervous. So am I. What's going on?

My last meeting with Akito still scares me. I mean, why should I even bother going? I'm not allowed to even join the rest of the family until the very end of the festival.

"Um…Kyo-kun, Yuki-kun?"

We both turn at the sound of Tohru's voice. She has her head bowed.

"That is…I'm…I'm so sorry I'm not going to be here with you during new years!" She blurts, and Yuki takes a step forward, looking worried.

"I mean," she continues, "I know you don't like to go to the main house, and I didn't even think about what that meant for you two until I got home! I'm really sorry! Maybe-maybe I can tell grandpa that-"

"Don't be stupid," I cut in, and they both look back at me, "Tohru, it's _not_ a big deal. Go spend New Years with your family. _Really_."

"He's right, Honda-san," Yuki says softly to her. Her eyes get teary again.

"Th-thank you so much! Please regard me kindly…" She bows her small head.

* * *

An hour later, Hatori, Shigure, Yuki, and I walk through the Sohma front gates. I glare at the main house. It's huge.

I glance at Yuki, and he's staring at his feet. It takes me a few moments before I realize I'm feeling sorry for him. He has horrible memories connected with this place; but then again, we _all_ do.

We head to the back, before Hatori branches off muttering about taking care of something. Shigure takes us to the back of the main house, to the grounds, where the celebration takes place.

Yuki and I sit down at one of the temporary tables, where the maids are decorating.

I catch one of the maid's eyes, and her lined face contorts into repulsion as she whips around. A hard stone forms in my stomach.

"Oh, and guess what, you two?" Shigure smiles, and I look back at him, "I'm going to be dancing this year! It's the year of the dog! Ah, has it been twelve years already?"

We both stare at him.

"Well, I'm off to get ready! Unfortunately, my dance will never be as beautiful as Yuki-kun's, so many years ago- GAAAH!!!"

"I thought I told you to never talk about that!" Yuki yells, standing up. Shigure runs away, fake tears flowing down his face.

I never get to see the dances, the cat wasn't allowed. I guess I'm going to be by myself for the next two days.

* * *

As expected, I'm bored out of my mind, eating in a totally separate place and having to listen to everything. I'm in another wing, far away so I can't 'spy' on the rest of the family. Like I'd _want_ to.

Somehow, this scares me. Being stuck in the main house, I mean. I sit in the corner of the dark room, scared because this is what the cage is going to be like.

Finally, after hours and hours by myself, Hatori slides the doors apart and beckons me to follow him.

I get up and stretch my legs, ignoring the platter the nurses had brought me to eat off of.

Hatori predictably says nothing. We walk along, and I begin to feel sorry for him. He has to put up with Akito all the time.

As soon as we step out onto the wet grass, the bright lights strung across the grounds blind me. This was typical; I was allowed to eat in the last dinner of the festival before everyone went home.

I walk towards the table. My stomach plummets when I realize everyone is standing.

They are a little off to the side, and my nerves flash when I see Akito in a fancy kimono in the middle of them. Everyone is there-even Rin and Kureno. I'd seen them each maybe a few times only. I notice Ayame, and he has no laughter on his face.

Hatori keeps walking to join the group; but their looks tell me to stop. I spot Yuki, and his fearful form only increases my anxiety. His eyes catch mine and holds them for a few seconds; it looks like he's going to faint. Why weren't they sitting down, so I could join them unnoticed, as always?

I catch Akito smiling at me. What is he…?

He walks toward me, and the entire family is watching. I instinctually take a half step backward, my breath and heartbeat quickening. What the hell is going on?

"Welcome, Kyo," He says to me, and motions to the family, "We are all very happy to have you here."

I see some of the family exchange glances that tell me they don't know what this is about, either. My blood rushes in my ears.

"As you all know," he speaks to the family again, "the cat is traditionally caged after graduation-and _he_ is no exception." I stare at him in horror, my blood draining from my face and my mouth going dry.

"However," He turns and smiles, "the cat has been getting _so_ arrogant. It makes me wonder, does the cat think he's different then the previous cats? Does he think he deserves to be treated _differently_?"

His voice is a hard undertone. I suppress an angry growl.

"The cat," he whispers loudly, "needs to be taught a lesson."

He grabs my left arm, and grasps the red and white bracelet with his other hand. Bile rises to my throat.

"What are-_Let go!_" I yell, my voice echoing strongly across the silent grounds. I see some of the family flinch.

"I'm going to show you all, the _thing_ that thinks it better then us."

"Akito!" I hear Shigure say ominously. I look at him desperately and he takes a step forward.

"Get _back_!" Akito snarls at him. Shigure looks hurt and stops moving.

I pull backwards, gasping.

"No, _don't-_!"

And he pulls them off, the beads running against my fingers and slipping away. I see his face for a split second; it's malicious.

I scream, and I can feel my organs twist and rearrange, my bones widening and distorting. My skin is on fire; it thickens and stretches like wax.My chest expands like a barrel; my shirt shreds apart and flies in pieces. My jaw swells and I can feel the sharp teeth enlarge. My ears extend like ribbons behind me, my neck elongating and my lungs stretching.

_Don't look at me!_

I stand there on all fours, breathing through my open mouth. Looking around wildly for a place to hide, to run, but there's nowhere. I back up several steps, stumbling as my heavy extremities sink into the ground.

Agony and humiliation flame through me, my family staring and I feel stripped of any dignity I had. The horrible, ugly _thing_. I can't believe it. No, no. This was never supposed to happen. My eyes look up, but I don't speak. I try and shrink into myself, cowering on the grass.

And I can smell myself. The horrible odor that reeks of fetid flesh and rotting corpses. I repress that gag that crawls up to my throat.

No! No one was supposed to see me like this! Only Akito and Shigure and Kagura have seen me, none of the others ever saw me…not…not like this monster! Most of them are covering their mouths and noses, their throats working, and I feel so disgusting I could die.

"That," I hear Akito scream, pointing at me, "Is the foul, horrendous monster that wishes to join _our_ family!" I cringe as his words cut me.

_No, no. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Please, look away._

Kisa starts to cry. Her small shoulders shaking hits me deep, deep in my heart.

Haru is staring, like he can't believe it. Shigure and Hatori are both looking away. Hiro and Kisa are gone, lead away by Ritsu, who has his hands over his eyes. Rin looks at me like she didn't expect anything less, but her hand is over her mouth and nose in abhorrence. Kagura is torn. I can see it on her face.

Kureno is gazing at me, breathing through his mouth. A terrified Momiji moves closer to Ayame, whose expression I have never seen him wear. It's like he's received a huge shock. Like he didn't expect _this_.

And I see Yuki. He's staring directly into my eyes, completely still.

"Speak, you filth." Akito moves closer to me, barely containing a smile.

"Tell them. Tell them you want to join _our_ family."

Humiliated, stripped naked and raw in front of _all_ of them.

"Speak, you smelly beast!" Akito yells, and my head turns away from him and I close my eyes. My claws dig into the soft ground.

Bare, exposed, _why wont you look away?_

"You see! Once we show the cat what he is, he knows his place!" He yells to the family, who do not look at me, like I am something to be ashamed of. Yuki is still staring at me like he can't believe it.

My head hangs and I close my eyes, wishing everything away, wishing to disappear, wishing to die.

_Help me. Help me, Yuki. Please._

And Akito laughs. He laughs, high and cold laughter. My eyes snap open, and hatred for him seems to flood my mind, my heart beating in my head. Slowly, my teeth are exposed and a low, terrorizing growl tears through my throat.

My claws retract, and I advance. I see Akito's eyes narrow and a few of the family members take a step back. Akito visibly bristles and opens his mouth, pointing at me.

"You're worthless! You're less then the lowest scum to ever crawl the earth! You're a _monster!_" He screams the last word, and it lashes across the grounds. There is a silence, bar my ragged breathing.

"That's enough."

The harsh voice is enough to floor me.

Yuki is standing between Akito and I.

Akito has no expression on his face, but I can see his hands clenching.

"What's did you say?" He says slowly, in a dangerous voice. It's real, too real.

"That's enough." Yuki repeats.

There is silence for a long, long time, as the family stares in astonishment at the ordeal.

"You have our answer, _cat_," Akito snarls, before he spits at me. I tense, backing away even more.

I can hear Akito angrily storm away, and for a few seconds no one else moves.

With everyone watching, Yuki stoops down and grabs my bracelet. He straitens up, looks at me, and tosses it to me indifferently.

The beads touch my skin, and I transform back, with a painful twist of my body.

Clothed in only my jeans, I am on all fours in the grass, my face down, hiding behind my hair and trying not to make any noise. I pull the bracelet on with shaking fingers.

I grip the grass in my fists, shamed and disgraced. Slowly, I hear the family move away. They say nothing. I stay there completely soundless, until the only noise is the silent night sky.

Through my hair, I can see a pair of shoes, and slowly, permit myself to breath.

My hands reach up and grasp the ends of his shirt, and I know it's only him. I allow my shoulders to shake. And no matter what I do, I can't keep the sobs in.

Yuki does nothing.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	21. 21

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I love Lord of the Rings. It just kicks ass. It's such a bittersweet ending, but fitting. An epic. And the music is beautiful. (I'm watching and listening to it on Windows Media Player)

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty One-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

The car ride home is silent.

I sit there, my hands at my side. I can see Hatori's eyes rest on me in the rearview mirror. I stare out the window, but the parade of flashing colors makes me feel sick. I turn to study the upholstery.

Yuki looks at me from the side through lidded eyes. I want to be closer to him. A drizzle runs past the windows, making them as cold as ice.

The car slows as it crunches the gravel beneath the tires. I get out, closing the door softly behind me. And I head into the house.

I hear the others pause. I want to turn around. I want to tell them that it's okay. I don't want them to worry. I want to bear this burden alone.

I go inside quietly, and disappear into my room before Tohru can spot me.

* * *

"Ah! Welcome back, everyone! I hope you had a wonderful time!" Honda-san takes of her oven mitts and rushes over, flushed with happiness.

"Did you just get back, Honda-san?" I ask her, giving a dead smile.

"Yes! I had a wonderful time at grandpa's! We lit fireworks and had the most amazing-!," Her voice falters. "…Is everything…alright?"

I glance at Shigure and Hatori. Shigure's eyes are unfocused, and Hatori says something to him in an undertone before glancing at Honda-san and I. He leaves through the front door. In a matter of seconds, the car backs out of the driveway.

She looks at Shigure with wide eyes, but he gives an unconvincing smile.

"Ahh, Tohru-kun. I'm glad you had a good time, but the night is old, and my bones are weary!" His voice softens, "So I'll see you in the morning."

Shigure heads into his study. Honda-san follows him with worried eyes, which land on me.

"Yuki-kun? Yuki-kun, what's wrong?! Where is Kyo-kun? Is he okay? Did something happen?"

Pain threatens to show itself on my face, but I force it back down.

"Honda-san…would you please come with me to the living room?" She nods hurriedly and clutches the material on her chest.

We sit on the soft couches next to each other.

"Yuki-kun," She starts slowly, waiting in vain to hear my answer.

"During the last dinner of the celebrations," I began, not looking at her, "Akito took off Kyo's bracelet in front of the family."

The shock is enough to floor her small body, and she seems frozen.

My eyes meet hers, and she raises her hands to cover her mouth. Tears well in her eyes and flood down her cheeks. She looks how I feel.

"Wh-where is Kyo-kun?" she sobs through her hands.

"He's in his room, he probably snuck past you. Honda-san…I know you want to help him, but…he's unstable. Just…let him be until at least tomorrow." I glance down at her. She wipes her eyes with the heel of her hand.

I get up, miserable enough as it was already without watching her cry.

"Yuki-kun," Honda-san gulps, and I turn around to look at her, "Thank you, Yuki-kun." I frown.

"For what?"

"You've-you've gotten nicer…to Kyo-kun, I mean." I cock my head, and she smiles. "You both seem to respect each other a little more; I'm glad." She rubs her eyes feverishly.

"…Thank you, Honda-san."

* * *

It hurts. Why did he do that? Why did he have to show everyone…?

But, Akito…Does he really expect me to run away? I'm not going to.

Why? God, _why_ did he do that?

Then, more then ever, I came close to killing him.

Now…everyone knows what I really am. That disgusting monster. Akito was right about me.

Now everyone will stop talking when I enter a room, whisper behind my back. They'll feel sorry for me to the point where I can't stand it anymore.

I want to do something…anything! Because I _just don't care anymore._

There is a knock on the door. 

It's tentative-I don't even look up. I know it's Tohru; someone would have told her by now. I don't want her near me- I feel dirty. Even if she came after me that time. It doesn't matter now.

The doorknob twists; but it's locked. I glare at it. Leave me alone already; I locked the door for a reason.

Suddenly the door is wrenched from its position with a crack and I lift my head from my desk to see _Yuki_.

My lips part but say nothing.

_Thank you. Thank you. I can never repay you for what you did._

He comes in but doesn't shut the door. The foggy eyes stare into mine- full of pity. I glare at the broken door.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

I glance outside- the crescent moon shines brightly in beams through my window. If I stay in here any longer I'll do something I regret.

I stand up silently, and he leaves.

The house is completely dark and quiet. I shut my door silently and follow his retreating form, down the stairs and out the front sliding doors and into the cold wind.

I close the door behind me, step off the deck and quietly catch up with him. Putting my hands in my pockets, I stare aimlessly at the ground as we walk.

And it's quiet for a long time, longer then I can imagine. The dappled moonlight makes his pale skin glow. Frigid air sweeps past us. But it was okay. Just walking. Already, I feel better. Even if it was only a little.

Through the trees, I spot the lake ahead of us. The edges are frozen over; the moon reflects on the black water like rippling white silk.

We stop, staring at the beautiful spectacle and the cold wind that makes it seem like a dream. And I lower myself to the dry bitter earth, sighing because I'm tired but not tired.

"Kyo," Yuki says softly.

I continue to stare at the bright white light.

"Kyo, I'm…I'm sor-"

"Don't."

He tilts his head and looks at me questioningly.

"Don't be sorry."

"But I am," he protests in a quiet, almost hurt voice.

"It'll make me feel worse. Just…" I swallow down the lump in my throat, "I know…you risked yourself. Thanks."

I steal a glance at him, but he's looking at his hands, as though pondering.

I can't stand the thought of others sharing my pain.

Even if they wanted it.

"I'm sorry. I am." He says, almost stubbornly.

"I don't want you to be!"

"But…" I see his hand curl into a fist, "I want things…to be better for you."

"I don't care! I don't want to be more selfish than I already am! I _hate_ that! It's none of your business!" I spit the words out and watch as his eyes turn cold.

"Where do you get off saying that?" He asks quietly, "Have you forgotten what's been going on between us? You've _made_ it my business."

I think quickly, regretting my comment. "I still don't like it! I don't like this…it's _my_ burden, not yours or anyone else's!"

"It is when-! I don't care; I can't stand the thought of you dealing with it alone! I'd rather _have_ your pain then watch you suffer with it!"

My throat is temporarily paralyzed. Finally, thinking of nothing else to say, I give in.

"What do you know, anyway?" I sigh in defeat and sag on the ground. A cold wind blows past, and the rippling water seems to dance.

"You're still going to be accepted, you know." He says suddenly.

"Liar."

"Don't be stupid. You know the only person in this family who hates you is Akito." I pause at his words.

"And _you_," I correct him. He glances at me.

"…Yeah."

After a while of cold silence, he speaks again.

"Shigure told me about the bet," He says cautiously. He is met with my silence.

"…He said that if you beat me, you'll be accepted into the family, and you won't be put in the cage."

I frown.

"So you just…have to beat me, and it will be okay." He says to me. I get suspicious.

"It's too late for that now. He made it final. I'm going whether I beat you or not." I cross my arms and look away.

"I'm sorry…all the times I fought with you…I didn't know why you were fighting. I mean, I knew you wanted to be accepted in the zodiac, but…I didn't know you'd be…locked up if you didn't win. I just thought you were being stupid…if I'd have known…" He drifts off. If he had known, then what?

I try to speak, but my throat sticks painfully. I try again.

"Remember…that time…I tried…to kill myself?" I bite my lip nervously. It was all weakness. I hated bringing up my weakness. He nods slightly.

"That was…_you_, wasn't it?" His lips part, and he turns to watch the lake again with a grim smile.

"Yeah," He says calmly, "I think that…was the slap in the face…that brought me to my senses."

We contemplate the moon in silence for a while. On a sudden urge, I get to my feet, turn and embrace him. He is motionless for a moment, but I feel his arms grasp the back of my jacket. I rest my head on his, savoring the warmth from his pale skin, and hold him close.

Yuki _cares_. What does anything else matter?

Suddenly, it starts to snow.

We look to the sky, tiny flakes dropping on our faces and melting. Yuki holds out his hands to catch them, smiling slightly. Abruptly, the blue seems a bit lighter, and the moon a bit farther down the horizon.

Yuki is beautiful with snow. He seems to shine, or glow, or something that makes him stand out against it. He looks happy, like the snowflakes are his friends. His skin is like porcelain, where mine is already red and irritated.

"Let's go back," I hear him say. And just like that, my pain is gone. So they had seen me. It would happen sooner or later. And they would still accept me; I know this in my heart. They aren't the zodiac animals. They're _people_, they're my _friends_.

I look at Yuki, and we walk back to the house side by side.

* * *

The next morning, I go down to the kitchen to see Tohru fiddling with her chopsticks, looking lost in thought. She has four plates filled with steaming food, but is the only one there.

"Hey," I greet her from the doorway. She looks up in shock and stands suddenly, sending the tea flying.

"_Kyo-kun_!" She shrieks, before running to me with her arms spread. Before I can even utter a warning, she throws herself on me and nearly squeezes me to death. Transforming, I send her to the ground in surprise. I stand there in the pile of clothes, but she doesn't even apologize as she picks me up and holds me to her chest.

Tears start running down her cheeks as she sobs into my fur.

"Kyo-kun, oh Kyo-kun…I'm so sorry!" She holds me like I'm about to die.

"Tohru…Tohru?" I try, but she only blubbers louder, "_Tohru_!"

She looks up with a tearful and runny-nosed, "Yes?"

"It's _okay_. I'm fine."

Because I am. It's like it doesn't even matter anymore. Hiding it in the first place was a mistake.

"But…but everyone was…s-so upset last n-night!" She says, bawling into my furry neck. My eyebrow quirks. They were? Even that damn scheming dog and Mr. Aloof?

I give a small smile.

"It's alright. I talked with someone very sensible." I quickly turn my head to check if Yuki is in earshot.

"You talked with Shishou-san??" Tohru asks, her eyes widening.

"Uh," That's right, we hate each other, and she knows I can't stand to talk to Shigure. "Y-yeah. I went to his house."

"So-so you're …you're in good humor now?"

"_Humor_? Don't be so overly polite."

"I'm sorry! I-I meant, are you alright now, Kyo-kun?"

"I told you, I'm perfect. But thanks."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asks very loudly, looking swirly-eyed.

"Just go walk into walls like you usually do." I answer, "And put me and my clothes into the bathroom."

"Yes, of course! It's so wrong of me, crying like this to you, when you're the one who's hurt!"

"I told you, I'm fine."

"Yes," She says weepingly, as she picks my clothes up and carries me to the bathroom. She places me on the floor and closes the door, still sniffling. I stare at the door in silence for a few seconds.

I stride to the counter, and leap up on it. Sitting on my haunches, I stare at the cat in the mirror. I move closer to it, until my nose touches the cold glass and my breath fogs the mirror.

* * *

Sunday is the last day of winter break, and I just finished my homework. I go downstairs to watch T.V. under the _kotatsu_ for a while, and I fall into a light sleep.

"-oooooo! Kyo! Wake up, Kyo!"

"Egghn…" What? What time is it? I push myself of the kotatsu and close my eyes again when I hear the voice.

"Get up, get up, why are you sleeping on the table? What happened to your bed?" I squint to see the blond hair and smile.

"Momiji!! I was sleeping! And-what is that?" I ask groggily, looking at the red object he is holding above his head.

"It's a water balloon!" He squeals, and I reach my hand out instinctively.

"Don't even think about it," I growl.

But he hasn't moved, and is staring at me. The memory comes crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Last night. Why is Momiji here, anyway? I feel a shamed flush creep over my cheekbones. I still…can't believe everyone saw me like that.

"Are you alright, Kyo?"

"…Yeah," I answer, fighting off the instinct to snap at him, "but are you?" I haven't forgotten his face.

He brings his fingers to his lips, looking thoughtful. He brightens.

"If you are, I am! Well, come on, we're gonna have a water balloon fight!" He runs away, laughing like nothing happened. I hesitate, but heave my aching limbs up and follow.

I step outside onto the deck, feeling the hot afternoon sun warm my face. I turn and see the long silver hair of Ayame, and the figures of the two smallest zodiac, Hiro and Kisa. A nauseas feeling surfaces in my stomach, and they, including Shigure, turn to notice me.

Am I…still the same? The same guy before they saw me as a monster?

"_**KYONKICHI**_!!! How _marvelous_ to see you!" Ayame booms, looking theatrical. I blink.

"What are you doing sleeping on the _table_? Are you homeless?" Hiro sneers.

"You smart-mouth brat!" I glare automatically, clenching my fist.

"Kyo-kun!" I suddenly hear Tohru's voice, and I see her pop from the side of the house, lugging a heavy bucket full of colorful water balloons.

"I'm so glad you're up! We all wanted to have a water balloon fight! Yuki-kun says he'll play, too!"

He also emerges with two more buckets, his eyes closed.

"What makes you think I'm gonna join? I hate water!"

"O-oh, I'm sorry! You don't have to join if you don't want-" She stutters with The Face of Disappointment.

"I never said I didn't _want_ to!"

"Kyo-kun, Kyo-kun, you worry much too much over the details!" Shigure says from the wooden table, waving his hand, "Even _I_ feel inclined to join!"

"Don't," Yuki smatters, dropping the buckets. This is so weird…they're all acting like…nothing happened. Only Kisa is the one who hasn't said anything, hiding behind Hiro and Momiji.

_**Sploosh**_

Cold wet drips from the back of my head and soaks into my shirt. I feel a vein start to strain in my temple.

"_MOMIJI! COME BACK HERE YOU-!!"_

_**Sploosh**_

Water rushes into my shoes as I feel the balloon explode at my feet. I see Hiro with a satisfied smile on his nasty little face.

"You're a crappy shot!" I snarl characteristically. I pick one up and hurl it at him, hitting square in the chest, so he falls back on his smart little ass.

"Hey! I'm just a little kid! Don't be so violent!" He screeches.

"Shut up!"

I turn to watch the rest of them as Ayame and Shigure chatter on animatedly on the deck, Shigure smoking and actually smiling a real smile. Tohru and Yuki are playing with the balloons, Tohru too scared to actually hit anything alive. Instead she tosses them a few feet in front of her, watching as they burst into tiny waves. She shrieks with happiness, Yuki smiling at her with his soft smile. The one I've never seen.

He sees me watching, and lifts his head to face me. He doesn't smile. His face doesn't move at all, but I can see it. I can see him smile at me with his eyes.

Hiro and Momiji have a small war, the ram yelling too much for my liking and the rabbit laughing too much, both drenched.

Suddenly, I feel a tug on my shirt, and turn to see Kisa. She lets go immediately, like I might yell at her for touching me or something. She doesn't look at my face, just clenches her hands together. I stare in surprise, wondering what she will do next.

She's only a little kid. But she's not running away screaming, either. Not like Kagura. And she's not contorted with disgust, not like Akito.

"Yeah?" I start. Don't be afraid of me. I'm not something to be afraid of.

She opens her mouth, stuttering for a few seconds. Then, softly,

"I love you, Kyo-niichan."

Shock and relief and sadness all rain down on me. She downcasts her head once more, like she's embarrassed, but I gently place my hand on her hair. She glances up, looking a lot like me when I was her age. Helpless and lost, and so confused.

I smile at her, and pathetic and thanking smile. And it takes everything in me to hold back the tears.

"Kyo-kun, come! Ayame-san says he has something very important to say!" Tohru waves me over, but I get suspicious, and go with Kisa stiffly to where everyone has gathered around him.

Ayame is sitting, the tips of his long fingers together.

"Well, there's no point in evading it. There is something of sky-scraping significance to be addressed, and in view of the fact that everyone is avoiding it, I shall be the one to say it."

Tohru and Yuki glance at me uneasily. I wait and tense up. No, don't talk about it! It was fine pretending it never happened!

"Well," He began in a slow, deep voice, flipping back his hair, "I was enjoying the _incredible_ afternoon, when suddenly, I realized with a great awe that the three young adults here were not educated in detail that significant subject of sex-ed!"

A stony silence follows, Yuki fuming.

"NOT another one of your stupid stories, Nii-san!!"

"My dear baby brother, of course you will learn! I will teach you every thing I know! Swap stories of conquest!"

"My _conquest_ is getting you to be quiet!"

"Um…ah…that is…um…."

"Why the hell are you bringing up stupid stuff anyway?" I seethe, annoyed at getting nervous for nothing.

"Well, it just goes to show you, you young adults-"

"_They're_ not young adults!!" I screech, pointing at the three kids. Well, Momiji doesn't really count.

"-_might_ start doing all sorts of naughty things! Who knows what will happen in the midst of raging teenage hormones! Who knows what will spark illicit love affairs and tabooed infatuations? I must give you the blow-by-blow for _all_ sexual encounters, in every juicy detail you can imagine! Oh the romance, the passion! _The costume fetishes_!"

"You disgust me! I'll never for as long as I live listen to a thing you say!" Yuki storms back into the house. But for some reason, a tiny voice in the back of my head sends off warning signals. Why did he bring such a subject up…now? Did he…no. It was impossible. I reassure myself, before following suit and dragging Tohru with me back into the house.

"Um, Kyo-kun?"

"Yeah?"

She doesn't say anything, but smiles brightly. "I'm so happy, Kyo-kun. They all…still love you."

"I wouldn't go _that_ far," I say, getting flustered. She smiles again, and I return it.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty One-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	22. 22

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Speak this time.

**Author's Note-** Finished Gone with the Wind. (Summer Reading hw). V. strange. I enjoyed it, but I can't rest knowing there's a sequel. I'll have to hunt it down now, dammit.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Two-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

It was the same voice. The voice I fell in love with? The voice in my dreams?

_But for me…_

_It still remains…_

_In my heart…_

"It appears that hurting the cat itself is useless," he says, touching his mouth with the tips of his fingers, "…yes."

"I wouldn't know for sure," I add, as unhelpful as it might have been. Stalling, that's what I am good at. I can stall someone going a hundred miles a minute, shake them, and send them on their way a changed person. But not always changed in a good way.

"I can't touch Kazuma; he's too useful. Suppose I went after that woman…that pathetic cat seems to _love_ her." He makes a disgusted face.

I twitch slightly, shifting my body closer, saying nothing.

"Shigure."

"Yes?" I smile, a dead smile. A knowing smile. A loving smile.

"Bring Yuki and Kyo here Saturday. Keep them as long as you can; I want to see them."

"Yes," I smile, a hopeless smile. A painful smile. An impossible smile.

A hateful smile.

* * *

I can't bear it.

This is the only class without Yuki in it. Why did I opt for this stupid elective, anyway? Easy A, my ass.

"Sohma! Stop staring out the window and pay attention!" I snap my head to the teacher and mutter obscenities under my breath.

"Now, who can tell me what Hawthorne was trying to symbolize with the snow?" she is met with a few timid but stupid answers. After a while, she shakes her head in exasperation and continues to plow on through the book, chewing on its bones and spitting it out. I mean, it's a good book and all, but come on! These little details don't matter.

But…I think I do get the snow thing.

He was trying to symbolize the cold. And the silence.

Nothing quieter than snow.

I twitch.

Snow.

And itch starts at my toes, works its way up, makes me restless. For the next five minutes, I try to control myself. This tingling apprehension is like electricity, and I clench my teeth. But my facade cracks, splits right down the middle cleanly in two. I stand.

* * *

A few strokes of chalk cause me to look up from my desk.

"The use of a ninety degree angle can be used _only_ for sine and cosine. This is a simple, basic trigonometry function. The reason so many of you got the last problem wrong was because you didn't bother to double check. Can anyone tell me what will happen when you use tangent?"

Masahiro sensei looks around hopelessly, his gaze lingering on the top of my head for a few seconds, but I just look at my book. Usually, after a few pleading glances from sensei, I will quietly spit out the answer. It takes longer than usual today.

"Using ninety degrees with tangent will result in a nonreal answer." I say tonelessly.

My mind is filled not with math, but images of Kyo. I give my head a quick shake and turn the page, reading the material but not taking it in. I frown in frustration and sigh. Stupid cat.

The teacher begins to pass back the tests, and the class fills with groans and cries.

"My parents are gonna kill me! Sensei, do you have extra credit or something?"

I give mine a sparing glance, and to my surprise, I have an A-. I frown in slight shock. Math has always been one of my best subjects. I hardly ever get a question wrong, actually.

I flip through the test, wanting to find the problem that set it all off. It's on the last page, and to my horror, it's the same type of question I had tried to study. Tried to, but was interrupted by that stupid/suggestive/, moronic/seductive/ cat! I can't believe it! I can feel a faint blush spread across my cheekbones, but I hide it away.

As I twist the pages of the stupid test back, a sharp small pain like a fleck of metal slices through my forefinger. With a sharp intake of breath I bring my finger to my face and examine the paper cut. Frowning, I watch as blood pools on the edge of my finger before it forms a perfect sphere, glinting.

Red.

Blood red.

The color of Kyo's eyes.

Oh, _God_…

Agh…this can't be happening, I can't be doing this in class! This is the reason I'm not reaching my status quo, I can't be distracted by that stupid-!

_BANG!_

The entire class jumps as the door is violently knocked open. To my shock, Kyo is there, breathing a little hard, but trying to hide it.

"Sensei, _he_," he points suddenly at me, "has a phone call in the office." He strains, not looking at me. I can hear the ticking clock working in my brain before I reach the same level he is on.

"Is it an emergency?"

"Uh…" He obviously didn't think this one through. But still, my pleasure is wading through the annoyance. "I don't know. It's a family thing…emergency. Come on, I need to go too!" The class watches, mildly interested. I stand, closing my book.

"I need to go, sensei. I'm sorry. Our aunt…she's very sick, you see. Probably on call from the hospital…" The words drift out hopefully. I can see Kyo, and it looks as if he's trying not to laugh. I feel the corners of my mouth tugging upwards at this sight.

"Yes, yes, of course," He replies, looking slightly flustered.

I exit the classroom calmly, irritated but excited. Kyo leads the way, and as soon as the door closes, we quicken our step.

I open my mouth to chide him, but he cuts me off, expecting it.

"_Shut up_, you damn rat."

"I didn't reach my goal on that math test. And it's _your_ fault, stupid cat."

"What? How can _your_ test be _my_-!?"

"Remember your stupid little interruption in my room? That's what I was doing-_studying_."

"_What_? A guy has needs, you know! And you wanted it just as bad as I did, you little bastard!"

I snort and roll my eyes. "Where are we going?"

He opens his mouth and leaves it hanging, as three girls walk through a door and into our sight. I recognize one as Minigawa-san, but why she is not in class I have no idea.

"Yuki-senpai!"

"Yuki-kun! Um, where are you-?"

"Come _on_!" Kyo grabs my sleeve and yanks me past the girls.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," I say hurriedly, following him. As we turn a corner, he takes me into the bathroom, yells for anyone in there to get the hell out, and locks the door.

With a flurry of fire and skin, he is crushing me against the wall, his hot mouth at the nape of my neck.

I bring his face to mine; tasting him over and over until my senses are filled with Kyo, ready to explode at the mere sight of him. My fingers travel past his lower back and he arches his spine, biting my lips, flicking out his tongue.

He pulls back slightly, fingers snaking toward my groin. His smirk grows larger as he ventures further, watching my tortured expression with satisfaction. I close my eyes and knock the back of my head against the wall, hissing through my teeth.

"_You stupid cat_…"

With a sudden, vibrating shock, the school bell rings, indicating the end of school. We both freeze.

"You're even stupider than I thought!" I snarl at him, shoving him away and zipping up my pants as fast as I can. He straitens up, muttering curses under his breath and patting his hair down. He is about to leave, when I stop him.

"Wait a second, you stupid cat! What am I supposed to do about this?!" I gesture towards myself generally, a cold sweat breaking down my forehead. I can hear students start to move down the hall. He glances down and looks dumbfounded.

"Just think of old ladies or something!" He says in a rush, making a hasty movement for me to hurry up.

"_That's not going to work_!" I yell, almost hysterical, "You should of thought about the time before you decided to try and jack me off!"

To my surprise, he breaks into fits of laughter. "It isn't funny!" I screech.

"Here, you damn rat, just take this, and just-just…_ha_!" He snorts and takes off his jacket, tossing it in my face. I stuff it into what is hopefully a careless shape and hold in casually in front of me. I check my reflection for a second and wipe my forehead on my sleeve. He is still hooting with laughter.

"Usually, I wouldn't choose my lesson over you, so don't do this again!" I say in an unconvincing voice. He rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever."

Kyo unlocks the door, and we both step out, unnoticed until we get into the hallway. We take opposite directions, and I can hear him sniggering all the way down the hall. I wince at all the greetings shot out at me.

"Sohma-senpai, is something the matter?" A girls voice floats out and I flinch. I merely mutter, "A meeting…very important…death in the family…." She blinks.

* * *

Shigure's house had a strange feeling coming from it. I wonder if it was his free spirit, or perhaps his lying malice. I smirk, knowing that even though he had his house, he could never be away from me. Never.

I leave the car, closing the door quietly behind me.

"Stay here," I command, the driver nodding.

The door is unlocked, and rattles slightly. It doesn't matter.

I knew Shigure would obey me. Like a good dog. Because they all _love_ me…. The gargoyle is the apparent established woman of the house. Pathetic.

"Quite the little housewife, aren't we, Tohru Honda-san?"

She jumps around from where she was scrubbing the kitchen surfaces, in complete shock. The woman looks up and nearly screams.

"Akito-san!! I'm so sorry, you startled me!" She whips off her rubber gloves and tears the bandana from her hair, bowing profusely, and then leaning down in traditional sitting posture.

I smile at her.

"Um, I'm sorry, but Kyo-kun and Yuki-kun and Shigure-san aren't here, it's only me…" She got a sudden look in her eyes, like she was starting to feel nervous, to be afraid.

"They're at the main house," I answer shortly, my hands clasped behind my back.

"Oh…" She bites her lip, "Um…would you like something to drink?"

Stupid girl.

"No thank you."

"W-would you like anything else-?"

"Aren't you curious that the rest of the household is gone, and I am here? Or are you so stupid that you cannot put two and two together?"

"Um, well…it's not really any of my business, so…" Her face is stricken.

"There you would be right." Her eyes widen as she gazes down.

"Akito-san," She starts, obviously from the look in her eye, planning to make it a very long, boring, and sympathetic speech, "I know that I haven't-"

"Do you care?"

She looks up.

"Do you care what happens to them?"

Tears spring into her eyes, as she raises herself up on her knees, looking horrified.

"Of course I do!" She says, her voice cracking. I pull my lip between my teeth. As quick as lighting, I backhand her right across her hideous face.

She crashes down, and I can only imagine the bright, beautiful stars exploding behind her eyes. Her tears drip-drip onto the cold linoleum floor, as she mouths wordlessly, holding her cheek.

"You think you're better than me, don't you?! You think you can _save_ them! They don't need you, _no one_ needs you…you know your just a pathetic little orphan, no where else to go…you just come off as pathetic. Vying for everyone's pity."

To my disgust, she gets up. Her hair slips out of the clasp.

"I-I just want what's b-best for them…so-so please-" I throw myself at her, twisting my hands around her thin, white neck. She gasps and chokes, hands scrabbling at my own. I slap her again, and she whimpers, like an animal.

"Do you think you can do it by yourself?! What if I told you the cat is being locked up as we speak?!"

Her eyes widen in terror, filling, spilling over with tears, her beaten face ragged. Her teeth are stained red. She must of bit her cheek.

"No! Akito-san, please…_no_!"

I throw her pathetic body to the ground with a thud, as she grunts, flinching.

"He's not being locked up. But he will be. As soon as school ends for you three." A shadowed look comes into her eyes.

Several seconds of breathless breathing pass by. I reach down, tipping her chin up to look in my eyes. There is no expression there. Beaten.

I smile.

"I might be seeing you later," I say, before touching her hair. It's soft.

I leave, closing the door behind me, leaving a shaken and razed girl on the floor.

* * *

"What the hell did we even _go_ there for?!" I whine, really pissed. What a waste of time. I glance at Yuki, who looks equally irritated.

"He wasn't even there, Shigure. Since when does Akito skip out on those types of things?" He asks, folding his arms.

"Maybe he just wanted to get you back for always skipping out on New Years, eh?" he chuckles, and tries to open the door. It's locked, and he extracts the keys from his pocket and undoes the bolt on the front door. I continue to prattle.

"Kyo-kun, I told you. Akito said he wanted to meet you two, I wasn't to know-"

There is an upturned chair, pieces of cloth on the floor. And blood. It isn't much, but-

"_Tohru!_" I scream, my heart racing, as I run into the house, Yuki following close behind me. I begin to pound up the stairs, tripping over the last one. A search of the first floor, and she's not-!

"Honda-san!" I hear Yuki, and I rush up behind him, at the front of her bathroom. She's there, frozen, holding a drenched shirt in front of the sink, full of tinted water. Blood. Blood on the shirt, at the corner of her mouth. Her cheek is swollen, eyes and nose red.

Tears well in her eyes.

"Yuki-kun, Kyo-kun…" she breaks into sobs, apologizing. Yuki moves forward, saying words of comfort. I can vaguely hear him telling me to get the first-aid kit, but I can't hear him past the buzzing. The buzzing that fills my ears, freezes me, eats at me in my fury.

"Kyo! Move!" I jerk at his voice, and go to retrieve the medicine, my hands shaking. Yuki brings her trembling and terrified body into the living room, and I get the kit from the hallway closet.

What happened? Did someone rob the house and find her in it? Did…was she…no, Tohru knew, she wouldn't let some slimy pervert in the house, she would've fought back….My breathing stops as I can only think of the monstrous atrocity. No…she could have been just beat up…but who the hell could possibly hate her? This can't have been some random act, it doesn't make any sense….

I enter, opening the small blue box and see Shigure walk in, take one look at her, and a crease forms between his brow. Suspicion rises to my throat as he turns into the kitchen.

"Honda-san," I hear Yuki, who has outstretched his arm, "You're neck…" I glance down and see the bruises, fingertip bruises along the line of her neck. Acid bubbles in my stomach as Shigure

comes out again and hands her a hot washcloth. She dabs at her face, still crying. I can feel my hands clenching of their own accord, wanting to kill whoever did this.

"Tohru," My voice is now shaking uncontrollably, "I want you to tell me who did this to you." She looks down, more tears dripping to the floor.

"Will you just open your mouth for once?!"

"But-"

"This isn't time to be humble and cover up for some scum! _Tell me who it was_!" Yuki's eyes turn to slits, but I don't care.

"It was Akito." Shigure comes, from the side. All three of us stop moving and look at him.

"Akito?" I repeat, stunned. Anger and confusion are rolled into one, and I can't think strait. I see Yuki's usual mask starting to slip. "Let's- let's just have you go to sleep for a while, okay?" He says gently to Tohru, who downcasts her eyes and nods slowly.

* * *

Yuki comes out of Tohru's bedroom, where I am waiting impatiently. "What?" He asks, looking like he can't decide whether to collapse or break my teeth.

"I'm gonna see her." I say defiantly.

"No you're _not_. You're just going to end up yelling at her." I am about to hiss, but he says, "Leave it until tomorrow. We have bigger problems now."

"Like _what_?"

"Like Shigure," We stare at each other for a while, and then simultaneously walk down the stairs in the direction of the kitchen.

As we enter the kitchen, we here him say something in an undertone and come in as he is hanging up the phone.

"Who was that?" Yuki asks.

"Hatori. How is she?"

"Fine," I snarl mockingly. He raises his eyebrows.

"Shigure, how did you know Akito did this?" Yuki asks quietly. Shigure stops, and then runs a hand through his unruly hair.

"I don't know exactly how to tell you boys…it's complicated."

"So?" I shout, unable to think of anything to say, my frustration taking a hold of me.

"You wouldn't understand," he says, and he straitens up, but Yuki steps quickly in front of him.

"Then, tell us in a way we can _understand_." His tone is dangerous, and Shigure knows he's about to lose it. He sighs through his nose.

"I guess the simplest way to say it is that we planned it." Shock darts through me. Shigure? That's not possible. He wouldn't, couldn't do this to Tohru….

Yuki breathes quickly before replying. "So what you're saying, the whole taking us to the main house, and Akito not being there…that was part of you _plan_," Yuki starts to yell, finally loosing his temper, "to leave Honda-san alone in this house so Akito could hurt her?!"

"I told you you wouldn't understand…my hands were tied!"

"_I'm going to fucking kill you!_" I scream, at my wits end. I slam him into the wall, choking him. He grasps my wrists, baring his teeth slightly.

"Kyo!" Yuki yells from behind me, but I ignore him.

Shigure's eyes stare at me. "Are you going to kill me, Kyo?" He glares. I contract my fingers.

"Tohru's…Tohru's hurt because of _you_!" My fingertips dig into his throat, and I feel the thin membrane start to give way. He makes a small, soft choking noise, but he doesn't move his hands. It's like his eyes are daring me to really do it. I bare my teeth and squeeze harder.

A vein starts to move in his temple, and I can suddenly feel the thump of his heartbeat. My grip on his neck loosens. A small feeling of anxiety pulses in my brain.

"Let go of him, you stupid cat." Yuki says sternly. I turn to glare.

"He let that bastard come in here and hurt her!"

"Killing him wont help anything. Honda-san needs us. _Now let him go_." I meet his fierce eyes, and release Shigure, who holds himself steady. I follow Yuki out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind me.

* * *

I rub my neck, coughing as my fingers graze the bruised skin. I hear Hatori's car pull up, and I brush off my kimono. As he enters and sees me, he frowns dejectedly.

"What happened?"

I give a cheerless smile. "They acted accordingly. How's Akito?"

"I _told_ you not to let it get too far, Shigure." He ignores the last question, the tone of his voice suggesting danger. We clearly both have not forgotten our last meeting.

"I didn't know he would hurt her so bad. She must have done something to set him off."

"Don't you dare blame this on Honda-kun!" He yells, starting to get furious.

"If I knew it was going to be this bad, I wouldn't of let it happen!" I see his hands clenching.

"Liar," He says softly, breathing hard, "You couldn't care less about what happens to Honda-kun, or anyone else for that matter, as long as you get the desired results." He storms out of the kitchen, not even looking back.

The burning taste of betrayal works up my throat, like I'm made out to be a monster. For a moment, I feel the childish instinct to cry.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Two-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	23. 23

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I like this chapter, I think I did it well.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Three-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

It was strange. The first couple of times we had done it, it was all full of lust and passion and when the morning came we could barely remember it. It was heated and quick, almost normal. Lately, though, my vision has been getting clearer, and it's more real. More of an act of love than an act of desire.

Caressing his tongue with my own, I reach up and pull my shirt over my head, and begin kissing him again.

I don't remember him following queue, but he is soon shirtless. I also don't know how I got on the bottom. My hands travel down his shoulders, admiring his body. Pale, perfect, delicate. It doesn't seem like a fighters body. He is supporting himself on his arms, his hair hanging in front his face. He lowers himself quickly to descend upon my mouth again.

He grinds his hips into mine, and I feel his arousal on my leg. My nails travel down his back and he grimaces.

His mouth goes off mine, traveling down to my jaw, my neck, and then my collarbone. He runs pale fingers down my chest in a smooth involuntary movement. When they travel to my belt line, I can't control the gasp that escapes my throat. His fingertips skate back over my ribs, and I arch my back in pleasure.

My hands go to the small of his back, then up to his shoulders, where I hook him and bring his heated body closer to mine. We rub against each other in a needing, desperate way.

I reach up to bring his head back down to me. He goes along willfully and we begin to battle with our tongues. As our hips touch, a new friction erupts through my veins and I hiss through my teeth.

I can feel his sucking at my shoulder tenderly. It surprises me. I didn't know Yuki was capable of tenderness. He stops moving his lower body, and then pulls out about halfway, then goes down on me again. He did this several times until the pain was nearly gone. He begins to move faster and faster, in a rhythm that I rise to match.

It was strange, all right.

In the morning, it's not like nothing happened. That was what, the 10th time or somewhere around there? Each time it's new. And it's evolving. It's slow, quiet, gradual movements. And smiles.

* * *

The bell rings abruptly, and the teacher shouts out the weeks homework over the resounding din of scraping chairs.

I yawn and rub my eyes. The day went by fast. I frown. I guess every day goes by faster and faster now.

I glance behind me at Yuki, who gives a miniscule smile. Walking past the animated chatter of the other fleeing students, I hoist my bag over my shoulder.

"You don't have student officer duties, do you?" I ask quietly as I reach him.

"No," he murmurs, putting away his notes, "but-"

"Hey, Kyo! …What are you doing?" A few of the guys from our class have rudely butted in to the conversation, looking between Yuki and I with slight incredulity. Eyebrows raised, they exchange glances. Rage simmers inside of me, and I bite my tongue to quell it.

"What? I'm just _talking_ to him." I give him a careless glance.

"Okay, whatever. See you tomorrow." They turn, going noisily through the door and leaving Yuki and I in the empty classroom. I sigh and run my hand through my hair, catching Yuki's eyes and glaring. He's giving those aren't-you-stupid eyes again.

"What's your problem?" I ask in a clipped tone.

"…It's up to you now." He says patiently.

"You frickin' asshole. Don't pull that on me." But he just opens haughty eyes and watches me, and I give a defiant stare.

"Fine," I say, crossing my arms, "If it's up to me, you have to do whatever I say when we get home."

"Gee, I didn't want to go unsatisfied all night." He retorts.

"What? I'll make you beg for mercy!"

"Haru wanted to talk to me. Just go home without me." I flush, startled at his ability to read my mind so easily.

"What does that damn ox want, anyway? To profess his undying love for you?"

"Jealousy is quite unbecoming."

"Wha-?! Like I'd feel threatened by the likes of _him_!" My temper flares up slightly as Yuki smirks to himself, zipping up his bag.

"Hey! Stop jerking me around, you-!"

Yuki opens his mouth, but shuts it promptly as the door creaks open.

"What are you two going on about?" Haru walks in the classroom, leaving the door ajar. Slightly nervous, I say nothing.

"This stupid cat can't keep track of his late work." Yuk flips on his cold button, shutting me out. If you said I was used to this by now, you'd be wrong. I hated it.

"Still catching up, Kyo?" Haru asks casually, but his eyes are calculating. I grunt, and in silent agreement we all leave the classroom.

"Is it all right that you're not going home right away?" Yuki asks, cocking a slender eyebrow at Haru as we walk across the grounds.

"Mm."

We walk in silence, and I keep a suspicious eye on Haru, who walks along with his eyes closed and his hands in his pockets.

"Stupid cat," Yuki calls suddenly. I turn to glare.

"What?"

"Where's Honda-san?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Because you are all-knowing," he says sarcastically.

"Probably at work," I sneer and roll my eyes, "_Why_?"

"Because," Yuki says impatiently, "she should know that Haru is coming over for dinner." I suddenly remember last time she was home by herself….

"I wont stay that long," Haru speaks suddenly.

"Then what are you coming over for?" Yuki asks, frowning.

"To see sensei," Haru replies brusquely. He's being so blunt. "Oh," Yuki looks disappointed and casts his eyes down.

"_Jealously is quite unbecoming,_" I turn my head to Yuki and mimic him from earlier, making it grating and high-pitched.

"Shut up, or I'll invite Kagura over for dinner." He narrows his eyes as I gulp.

"Yeah, like you'd go over to the main house to ask her!" I retort grumpily. It's strange; when we're pretending, we go exactly back to how it was, and its hardly different.

"Will you two shut up?" Haru snaps suddenly. We both look up simultaneously.

"What the hell is your problem?" I snarl.

"You two bickering like an old married couple." He replies coolly.

"If you're so irritated, walk your ass by yourself!"

"I would if I wasn't afraid you would chase after me, pleading for a battle." Hot air hisses out of me as I get offended.

"You wanna fight, you damn-"

"Surely," Haru interrupts, looking strait into my eyes, "You don't feel threatened by the likes of _me_."

I nearly choke as I gasp. A painful, punching jolt of shock and dread goes through me. I can see Yuki's face freeze, and our eyes find each other. He couldn't have heard- there was no way-

"Wait, Haru," Yuki says, stopping. The dense trees on either side of us sway in the slight breeze.

"Shut up, you damn rat!" I say, my breath hitching. He doesn't know, there's now way in hell he could have heard us talking!

Haru stops too, his eyebrows contracting and his lip curling.

"What's _with_ you guys, huh?" He growls, fighting an internal battle, "For a long time you've been, just-something's going on!" He yells, before looking up, black. _Real_ black. He looks up strait at _me_, baring his teeth. I drop my bag. He strides toward me, and I tense my body for a fight, stepping into a defensive stance.

"Don't come any closer," I hiss, "or I'll take care of that black side for you."

He smiles.

"You're a horny little kitty, aren't you?" My chest compresses, and I see Yuki twitch. Haru smiles wider, his voice raising. "I guess that little slut that lives with you isn't enough, huh?!"

My pupils contract and my mouth twists into a snarl, before I punch him, catching his jaw with my fist.

"Shut the hell up! You don't know what you're fucking talking about!" I scream as he stumbles.

"Are you fucking Shigure, too?" He taunts, wiping his mouth, "Is that why you always snub me? You already have enough di-"

"_Stop it_!" Yuki yells, but I have already launched myself on Haru, grabbing his hair, hitting anything I can reach. I'm not even doing anything the way Shishou taught me- I've lost control. No one is going to threaten what we have.

I feel Yuki's hands on me, trying to pull me off, and he succeeds easily, sending me sprawling on the ground. I get up and try to run at Haru again, but Yuki pulls his fist out and punches me, sending me back to the ground. I clutch my cheek, wincing.

"_What the hell_!" I bellow at him.

"Calm down, both of you…I don't feel like playing peacemaker." He breathes hard, outstretching his hands between us. We both stand up, ready to kill.

"Shut up," Haru snarls, spitting a stream of blood between his teeth, "I don't want to hear anything out of your filthy mouth."

"I'm _not_ going to try explaining it to you when you're black!" Yuki raises his voice, glaring at Haru.

"Yeah?" Haru bristles, "Then how the hell are you planning to explain '_it' _to Akito?!"

A cold sweat ripples through my stomach.

"Akito isn't going to know anything," Yuki says quietly.

"Because there isn't _anything_," I interrupt, panicked.

"Yeah?" Haru sneers, "I couldn't imagine how he wouldn't _know_."

"If you say anything," I step forward, my voice shaking, "I'll-"

"You'll _what_?" He yells, looking disconcerted, "_You'll be fucking locked up, that's _what"

Total silence.

My hands start shaking.

"Haru," Yuki says slowly. Haru breathes quickly; looking at him with iridescent eyes, "Go home."

"No," He stammers, angrily.

"Please leave." Yuki repeats, not above a fierce whisper.

Haru looks between the two of us, winded. He opens his mouth and says Yuki's name, before his voice breaks and he chokes, and the words fade to nothing. A wave of hurt tirades over his features. Clenching his teeth, he turns on his heel and storms off, cursing, back towards the street and disappearing behind the smooth corner of the dirt road.

Yuki turns to me, saddened.

"Are you all right?" I ask him automatically.

"I'm fine."

"That's not what I meant," I say, knowing too well what he was feeling. He lowers his eyes.

"I'm afraid that…I might have hurt him very much." He looks so upset that for a moment I have no idea what to do.

"Because of me?" I offer.

"Don't put it like that."

"What the hell are we gonna do now?" I ask, sinking to the ground and holding my head. "He's gonna tell someone."

"Kyo-"

"You heard him! He's black; he'll do the most unrational thing he can think of!"

"He didn't mean it. You know he wouldn't." He watches me as I stay silent, trying to slow down my heart. I'm wondering if I should chase after Haru and force him to keep his mouth shut.

"Come one. Let's go home." He offers his hand, and I take it, slightly surprised. Pulling me up, I try and take my hand back, but he doesn't let go. I glance at him, but he stares strait ahead.

* * *

I wonder if Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun got home all right?

I know they offered to wait for me, but I have to get to work early today, I've already missed a day from when Akito-san…. But I'm so touched at their kindness.

I have to work hard! There's no used to getting depressed about it, is there? I know, that no matter what, Akito-san is really a good person. Everyone is really a good person at heart.

"…The Prince…"

Huh? The Prince is Yuki-kun's school name, right? I turn and see Kinoshita-san and Minigawa-san and several other students I don't know in a corner gossiping.

"The Prince has been associating a lot with that strange orange-haired cousin of his lately…"

Yuki-kun…and Kyo-kun? They shouldn't see me, here, eavesdropping. It's none of my…well, I have to see if Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun are all right! I mean, this could be very important! I hope I'm not intruding too much, but…. I'll just go behind this corner, and I'll just listen for any trouble….

"That would be terrible if his unprincely and abrasive personality were to rub off on Yuki-kun," One of them muses, and suddenly her eyes start to glow, "Should we take care of it?"

Um…will this be okay?

"No…" Minigawa-san looks thoughtful, "It seems that the princes attitude has been uplifted lately…and though it may not be a power of our own…we owe it to him to let him figure himself out for the time being."

Wow, how thoughtful of Minigawa-san! I have underestimated human kindness again.

"How selfless of you!" Another girl says, "Yuki-kun will be happy until we get rid of that cousin!"

Huh?

"Correct, Rika-san. As cheerful as he is, he cannot continue in that aggressive direction of this Kyo Sohma. Give it a few weeks, and we'll figure out the best plan of action."

"Yes, Ma'am!" The girls say in unison, before melting away into the other side of the hall. They disappear rather fast…do they have secret passageways in this school?

What in the world was that about? I ponder this strange sight, before turning to walk to work.

Could I have been so caught up in myself that I have overlooked Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun? I thought they might have been talking to each other a little more, but…. Maybe I've missed something, something important. I know that the way they get along is none of my business, but I can't help but feel like something has gone unnoticed.

* * *

The next day, Haru isn't at school. This freaks me out slightly, because I wont be able to see him until the weekend is over. Yuki and I thought about it, honestly, and decided to come clean with him. Dear God, that'll be the most excruciatingly embarrassing moments of my teenage life.

At least Yuki convinced me he wouldn't tell anyone. A black Haru still has _some_ sense, at least.

"Um…S-Sohma-san?" I look to see a stuttering girl in front of me. A first year by the looks of her. She wordlessly hands me a paper, an office slip, I think. I raise an eyebrow and take it.

"Um, there's a man in the office who wants to see you, he said you should come right away." She blushes, smiling at me. But my entire body has gone cold. My mouth goes dry, and I stare unsteadily for a few seconds.

"Who…do you know who he was?" I ask, not looking at her, fighting nausea. She smiles brighter.

"Well, I don't know his name, but he was very handsome and wearing a suit. He's…he's not your father, is he?" She looks excited.

Hatori.

* * *

"Is it all right if I smoke in here?"

The secretary raises her eyebrow but smirks and nods. I dig around in my pockets for my lighter, but can't find it. I frown and take the cigarette out of my mouth sorrowfully. As I put it back into the original container, the heavy door opens and Kyo walks in. He looks pale.

I stand up, and he follows me silently into the parking lot- unusual for him. Where was the normal fighting and clashing spirit? Maybe…maybe what Shigure said is finally affecting him. I wince at the thought, not looking at Kyo. Sure, things like that are always unexpected …but …_them_? I thought for sure hell would freeze over before anything less than hate was exchanged.

As we begin to drive away, Kyo seems to regain his courage-and his rudeness.

"Where's Haru? Is he sick today?"

"How should I know that?" He makes a noise of indignation.

"Well, you're a doctor last time I checked!"

"We live on complete opposite sides of the main house. But he's probably fine." It's strange, talking to someone who is as sarcastic as I am. Come to think of it, Kyo and I have never really spoken for longer than a few minutes at a time.

"What does Akito want, anyway?" His voice is would be uncaring and harsh, but I know better. I even think I have an idea of what he's worried about. I suppress a small smirk- even I would know if Akito knew about Kyo and…good God. It's so unlikely I can't even think about it.

"It's just his normal routine." I answer.

"How do you know?" I can hear the slight tremble in his voice. I wonder how he would act if he knew I knew about…that thing. I clench my teeth in order to prevent myself from smiling.

"Just trust me on this." I say, pulling onto the highway, laughing through my nose. I can see him open his mouth uncertainly.

After a few more minutes of silence, my itch for a smoke grows unbearable.

"Kyo," I look over at him furtively, feeling for sure my question would be in vain, "Do you have a lighter…or matches?"

He squints his eyes at me with a disbelieving look on his face. I mutter something about my cigarettes.

"What the hell? Why would I be _smoking_? That's so stupid! You're a freakin' _doctor_, don't you know that shit causes lung cancer?!"

I close my eyes, sighing.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Three-End**

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	24. 24

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I really have to start working more often on, this, I've just been so busy! Lots of school work, hardly any time to be on my own before. Also, I'm kind of disappointed with the lack of reviews . I want criticism people!

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**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Four-Begin**

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"How is Tohru Honda?"

The question, the despicable insult hangs in the air like a thick fog. Akito turns his back and continues to mindlessly fiddle with his kimono. I frown. Akito doesn't usually mindlessly fiddle with anything. He has something on his mind.

"You should know," I snarl quietly. The memories of her terrified face and shaking body come back to me like a swift punch, and I flex my hands.

"I only thought I should give you a reminder," he licked his lips as his eyes darted around the room, "of your place. You seem to forget that quite often."

"That's what it was, then? A _reminder_?" I feel a cold fury sweeps me, and I forget that I shouldn't be speaking like this to him. "You could have just as easily beat _me_ up!"

He smiles. "No, no, no. You know I'm right. Doesn't it hurt more if it's someone else?"

I blanch, as an angry cold sweat breaks down my back. "I know why you picked on Tohru," I growl, but then seem to lose my nerve.

He smiles that smug smile of his, as though daring me to continue. I gather my courage.

"It's because she can't fight back! You only pick on things that are weaker than you!"

"Silence! Once again, you have forgotten your place!" For a second, his face contorts with rage. But he simmers down and brushes his hair back.

"As I am sure you are aware, you will be caged shortly after graduation. Winter is nearly over." He gestures out the window, where soft white flakes are falling from an iron sky. A ripple of fear passes through me. It's already February. The time-where did the time go? I close my eyes, trying to feel every second slip by me.

"Is it even possible to feel sorry for you? It will be so lonely, being locked up. No one will visit you, not after they saw your true form at New Year's. They'll be glad that you're locked up. They will feel a lot…safer." He gives a wolfish grin, and I make a move to stand.

"Stay where you are," He speaks sharply. I glower and return to the uncomfortable sitting position. He kneels down next to me and cups my chin with his hand. He leans forward, his face inches away from mine. A shiver runs through my body.

"Do you love me, Kyo?" I grab his arms and try to turn away my head, but he holds steadfast. I jerk until my eyes look directly into his pitch-black orbs. I stop moving.

"You had better, because I'm the only person you'll be seeing for the rest of your cold, lonely life." My grip on his hand grows slack, and he grins. "Yes, don't you know? No visitors allowed. Except me, of course."

A fever runs through my veins and I'm fighting, trying to get his hands off me. But he only holds tighter until I stop struggling. My heart starts to race a hundred miles a minute.

"Let go of me," I say slowly in a beaten voice. There is something pounding in my head, and dense fog clouding my vision. Something is crawling up my throat.

"Kyo," He puts his lips to my ear as his hands tighten around the back of my head. A warning signal as loud as a siren goes off in my brain. Something wasn't right-I can feel the nerves pricking at the end of my fingers and the back of my neck where his hands are touching me. "You're going to have to get used to me."

An explosion. An electric storm in my mind, where something snaps and lets loose a torrent of adrenaline. I can only feel the load of his body on mine. I open my mouth to speak, or to scream, but only the weight of his crushing lips on my mouth. I gasp and try to move out from under him, try to pry his face away from my own. I succeeded momentarily, before he sinks his fist into my stomach.

What's happening? I cant-I wont let him…!

I can feel him breathing on my neck, leaning over me so I have to support the weight with my arms. I can suddenly hear him.

"I'm all you have," He whispers in my ear. "I'm all you have left, Kyo. The only one who will take you in." I stare at him with wild eyes, not believing for a second-

"Don't you understand? That woman won't want to be near you anymore-she's afraid of being hurt. She knows that in the end, you will only push her away. _She fears you_."

That's not true, that's a lie. But I can only see Tohru's back walking away from me.

"Leaving no one but me to love you. Why don't you just stop fighting already?"

No one.

No one.

No one…but Yuki.

Yuki loves me. _He loves me_. He does. I know he does. He has to!

"_Get off!_" I shove Akito forward, and all I know from then is his vulgar smile and the sound of my footsteps as I run away from the main house as fast as I can.

Yuki…! I have to get to Yuki.

* * *

"Well, Yuki-kun, I'm off to the main house." Shigure said, adding an extra layer to his kimono.

"What for?" I ask coldly. I had not forgotten his little part in hurting Honda-san. I made a mental note to pick her up a little early.

"Gossip," Shigure chimed, wincing at my tone. "I'll be back in a few hours…oh, and I'll bring Kyo-kun home with me."

I pause for a second. "He's at the main house?"

"Oh, you didn't know? Tori-san picked him up at school."

"What for?"

"Akito-san wanted to see him, obviously-" Sirens clang in my head, and I can see the angry face of Haru.

"Why?" I interject, and Shigure glances over me. I recoil as I realize I overplayed my part as the indifferent rival. But Shigure merely picks up his bag and doesn't seem to notice. He answers that he doesn't know and reminds me to pick up Honda-san; then he leaves. I guess he's walking. I debate for a second whether I should go with him-but I knew it would look very bad. I bite my lip as a hole opens up in my stomach.

* * *

I organize and reorganize the papers on my desk- multitudes of schoolwork and study sheets. My fingers tremble from the agonizing restlessness. I take a deep breath. I don't want to think about it…but I have to weigh my options.

I cant just run to the main house to see what's going on-I have to wait for Shigure to come home. I clench my teeth-my heart was egging on every part of my body to jump out the window and take off down the street.

If Haru did tell…if Akito knows…he would probably be locking up Kyo right now. And I cannot allow that to happen. But there was…a chance, a chance that this was nothing and Kyo was safe.

_Damn you, Haru, _I think, but regret it anyway.

What would happen if we were caught? It's not like we can explain our way out of it or make excuses. God, why can't we just…why can't we be free to choose our own happiness?

The words _gay incest_ float up to my mind. I scowl. How like me to put things into a box. It is so much more than that. It's so natural. I can hardly believe how people would hate us for something like that; to me it seems justified. I feel my soul scorn society-how dare they pass judgment on other people?

But the outer world doesn't matter right now- only the fact that we are constantly in danger and taking enormous risks.

_How stupid I've been to think this would last, or work!_ But…no matter the consequences…I couldn't have prevented it, even if I wanted to. I just…there is no way that I would regret this. Never. I don't regret anything.

_Bang!_

"Kyo!?"

He is standing there. The sight of him frightens me- did he just run away from the main house? I look up into his face- his eyes are swollen and red, and he's breathing like a wounded animal-but his eyes. His eyes look like fire.

"What happened?" I demand, standing up, but he only slams the door shut behind him with a ferocity that startles me. In a flash, he's in front of me and shoves me onto my bed with both of his hands. I crash into it, knocking my elbow against the wall. He's suddenly leaning over me, groping and ripping my shirt. My confusion is a whirlwind now.

He rips it off, and my senses come back to me. I grab hold of his arms, and he looks strait into my eyes. The pupils are slits, like a cat. There was no uncertainty- no fear of being rejected, no doubt or hesitation. I only see violence behind his eyes.

"Kyo, what's wrong?! What happened?!" I can feel the cold sweat on his body. His limbs are shaking. Something is horribly wrong.

His fingers grapple with my school belt, and I try and take his hands away, but I can't- it's like I've lost all of my strength. I can't see- I can't think.

"S-stop, Kyo…you can talk to me, _tell me what happened!_"

He is panting with the effort of trying to undress me, batting away my attempts to stop him, and my clothes are gone. And I am afraid, really afraid. For the first time, I am afraid Kyo will hurt me.

"What are you doing?" I try to yell, but my voice is as weak as my trembling body.

"What? You _said_ you loved me!" He says in a ragged snarl.

In my shocked confusion, I try to recall, and I know that I've never-

"What? I never- I never said that, _I didn't say that_!" I spit out the words in hot venom, even though it hurts my heart to say it- "You think I'm going to let you-let you do this? You can't overpower me, Kyo. You're too weak!"

But even as I'm talking, he flips me over on my stomach, and I cant- I cant get him off. All I hear is him taking off his own belt, the swish and thud of clothing, and his nails digging into my back. I call his name weakly. He doesn't stop. He can't hear me. And I don't make him. Why aren't I throwing him off and scorning him? I don't love you, you stupid cat, how could I?

"I never loved you," I whisper hoarsely, as my eyes and nose begin to sting. "I never loved you, I never loved you, I never…"

And I'm crying, not from fear or desolation. I'm crying, knowing its true. I _do_ love him. I sob through my cracked lips, making no move to stop him. Let him. I love him.

I love you.

Why? How could this happen? _How could I let this happen?_

This was never supposed to turn out; it never was supposed to occur to either of us. But…there was always something there. Something besides the revulsion, besides the forced hatred. But I shouldn't have allowed it. I was the rational one, the one who had control of our situation. And now I screwed it up for both of us.

A sudden rush of cold air hits my back, and I turn to see Kyo yanking his pants closed. Leaving. He slams the door behind him. I wait breathlessly for a few seconds, and sharp tears well in my eyes, as my door doesn't move. He doesn't come back, and I curl shaking into a ball like a helpless animal and cry.

It's my fault we're in this. It's my fault that Kyo will be locked up. My fault that the entire juniishi will be contained forever.

I can't say it. I'm afraid. I'm a coward.

* * *

I've waited as long as I can; I have to start walking now or it will get very dark. I begin to cross the street, thinking about why no one came to pick me up today. I'm sure they had something very important, because no one has forgotten before! Here I was, worrying about myself, when there are so many more things to worry about, more important things! I-I know there are some perverts in the woods, at least, that's what Shigure-san said!! I-I'm n-not worried, I can be b-brave for once!

Despite myself, I pick up my pace a little faster, and before I can even think about any other perverts, I spot the house lights through the trees. I smile, knowing that my family is in there, waiting for my return. My thoughts involuntarily stray over to my mother, and her welcoming smile….

I tread onto the deck to go to the kitchen, when I see Kyo-kun on the other side, sitting by himself. I step lightly over to him, wondering why he wasn't wearing a shirt at this time of night. As I get closer, I realize that he is sweating, and he looks messy. I frown.

"Kyo-kun? Is something the matter?" He looks up and I gasp.

"Tohru…Tohru, I…I just-" His voice breaks, and his arms suddenly go around my knees, and I fall to the ground. I am shocked when I realize that Kyo-kun has buried his head in my lap and is sobbing.

"Kyo-kun…! Kyo-kun…" My heart is filled with terror. And sadness. What could have happened? Does he realize…that he is going to be locked up very soon? Does he know that Akito-san told me? My breath catches, and I will myself not to cry in front of Kyo-kun. To cry now as he was relying on me would be selfish. I rest my hands on the top of his head, and he speaks.

"I'm the worst…" He chokes out. I part my lips but say nothing, just listen. His arms clasp me in a frantic grasp that hurts.

"I'm despicable," The grip around my knees tightens.

I want to say something, to ask, but I can't interrupt. I have to help Kyo-kun to the best of my ability, with whatever it is. He starts talking again, and his voice is low and broken.

"He never cared. He never loved me. He hates me for sure, now." He trails off weakly and his shoulders shake. I can't do anything but stay still.

Who is he talking about? …Shishou-san…? No. Maybe, Akito-san? But it doesn't make sense. I give my head a quick shake- that doesn't matter now. I have to comfort Kyo-kun.

"It's…it's going to be alright, Kyo-kun…" At my words, his clenching constricts and he begins speaking rapidly, hoarsely. He speaks brokenly, burrowing his head in my lap, tugging at the folds of my skirt. He's admitting things, things that I didn't understand. His words are blurred and muffled. I am uncomprehending; nothing he is saying is making sense!

The last ray of sunlight disappears behind the line of the horizon, but Kyo-kun doesn't move. It's like he's dead. One of my best friends, Kyo-kun, with his hot temper and the way he would act like a bad little boy, the one I thought I would know the rest of my life. But he's going to be locked up.

I rest my hands in his hair, and I can't stop my own tears from falling lightly onto the cold wooden deck.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Four-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	25. 25

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga. Used some lion king and Saiyuki this time, too.

**Author's Note-** I AM SO VERY, VERY SORRY! Being in my junior year, with clubs and sports, I hardly have any time at all to write. I am trying my best, though, so please be patient with me! I know it's short, but it would take more time to write more, and it's already been a month! Many of you may be wondering just how much Shigure knows about them…but my honest answer is that I don't know either…how does he figure out all of that stuff?

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Five-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

I whip my fan open and hold it in front of my face. "I _do_ believe something has happened," I whisper dramatically, batting my lids for effect. Ayame's eyes grow to saucers as he leans forward.

"_Do_ tell, Gure-san, do _tell!!!_"

"Well," I lean across the table, tracing my finger around the rim of the crystal ashtray, "you're very well aware that I can only tell a story when I have a _full and complete_ audience, yes, Ayaa?"

"Yes! That's right! Full _and_ complete!" He answers, saluting.

"It just so happens that Haa-san isn't lis-ten-innn-nggggg!!!" I cry to Hatori, pulling on his jacket sleeve. "It's been ages since we've all been alone together, I hardly get to update you two on the gossip!"

"Spare me your disgusting stories," Hatori answers coldly, taking a dreg from his cigarette.

I inwardly flinch, hoping that he would forgive me for that that _terrible_ little disagreement we had. I have to try harder.

"_Anyway_, the buzz from the bees tells me that _those two_ are in a bit of a _spot_! They've been completely and utterly avoiding each other for the past three days. Something has happened, I can feel it in my bones!"

"A fight?" Ayame asks, "Perfect! A chance for me to comfort my poor, hurting little brother!"

"Ah, Ayaa, I assure you that he will be comforted by a _certain someone_ very soon. In fact, I am sure that he will be _comforted_ _all_ night _long_!"

"Ah, the glory of certain comforts…" Ayaa reminisces, "I at least can help where my talent allows me…I guess I was wrong about Yuki's romantic fantasy being Tohru-kun in a butter-colored dress! Of course, Kyonkichi would look just _dreadful_ in light yellow. It would clash horribly with his hair…."

Hatori looks questioning at the dress comment and rolls his eyes.

"Those two…" Hatori comes darkly, grinding his cigarette in the ashtray, "Does Honda-kun know about them?"

"Hmm…I'm not sure. Think how surprised she would be if she were to find out her two main options were totally unavailable! She does seem to be giving them a bit of space, though."

"Such a fine, understanding young woman," Ayame booms, "But as I was saying, Kyonkichi wouldn't fit a dress at all, albeit Yuki's romantic fantasy. Yes, he would look much better in _rawhide_ and _handcuffs_…"

"Look, you two," Hatori says slowly, "This won't something to squeal over for much longer. What happens when Akito finds out?"

Ayame's face falls almost comically, and something like panic flashes briefly in his eyes. "He wouldn't, would he? How would he?"

"Haa-san!! Don't look at me like that! I wouldn't ruin _true love_! I'm no evil incarnate!" Shigure looks affronted and puckers his lips as Hatori shrugs.

"Ayame, I know now that you want to protect your brother, but…they have enough trouble. Don't go stirring things up and making it more risky than it already is." Ayame looks down at his hands, biting his lip.

"Kyo is already going to be locked up soon. Four months, was it? Until he graduates?" Hatori looks at Shigure for an affirmative, and he nods.

"Is he…really going to be locked up?" Ayame asks, his eyebrows knitting together. Hatori is at a loss of words for a moment, and then the two turn their heads to Shigure in unison. Shigure raises his eyebrows.

"I don't pretend to know Akito's intentions," He says slowly, "But I suppose…there is a chance of him not getting locked up in the end.

"How big of a chance?" Ayame asks. Shigure looks away, rapidly tapping his finger on the wooden table.

"Gure…? Please tell me. I…want to know." Ayame's voice turns to a hush. Shigure looks back at him, but doesn't move his head. A word hangs unsaid on his lips for several seconds.

"Small."

Ayame leans back at looks up, blinking.

"Ayame?"

"I just…wanted to help Yuki. But Kyo got there first. I was happy…even if it had very little to do with me. But now…if Kyo is gone, I know that Yuki wont ever be happy again. He might even come to hate me." His voice wobbles dangerously at the last sentence.

Hatori looks swiftly at Shigure, as if to say 'do something'.

"Ayaa…I don't think…there's anything I can do. But…if there is, I'll do it."

Ayame tilts his head back down, forlorn and defeated. "Thank you, Gure-san…we should go, right, Haa-san?" For once taking initiative. Hatori looks a little surprised, and stands up.

Shigure watches them leave as they pull out of the driveway. He sighs, running a hand through unruly hair.

"What can I do…?"

* * *

I can't even think. All I can see is the horrible expression on his face, this disbelieving torment. So…the cat…finally beat the rat. He overpowered him.

My eyes close and my throat stings painfully, my teeth grinding. I can't forgive myself. I will never forgive myself. What was the point of even trying? I had no right. And Yuki hates me now, he must. I haven't even seen him. Not that I've tried. Every night I hover near my door trying to push myself to see him. But I cant. And I hate myself for it, more than I ever have.

Even more than I hate myself for being responsible for so many deaths, and for all the sacrifices, I hate myself the most for hurting Yuki. The only one I had ever really loved, and I forced my selfishness and my pain onto him.

People aren't born social.

Sure it comes easier to some people, but most people need to work at it. Some more than others. Mingling with people…hurting them… getting hurt by them, that's how you learn about others, and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never be able to care about anyone but yourself.

Shigure's words come back to me in a flash, but I scorn them. As if Shigure even had a slight fraction of knowledge of what we share…or shared. It's…over…isn't it? My chest heaves and I feel nauseas.

I want to take it…and I want to punish myself. I shouldn't…be here. I should be shut away so I can't hurt anyone else. All I do every day is shamelessly force my existence onto other people. I…should be…put away. Where I would never be able to burden anyone ever again. Someone like me…should be locked up.

* * *

I don't even bother packing. It didn't matter. Any clothes I needed would be brought to me. I close my door behind me as softly as I can; hopefully no one will know that I'm gone until the evening. I force my trembling knees past Yuki's door, and down the steps. Through the sliding doors, and past the threshold of my- _the _house, I'm almost to the steps when I hear a voice.

"Wherever are you going, Kyo-kun?"

I freeze, and look around wildly. Shigure is sitting in the shaded corner, so I could barely see him. Several long seconds pass by, and my mouth goes dry as I cannot think of a valid answer.

"Well?" He prompts.

"Nowhere," I say hoarsely. I hadn't spoken to anyone in the last three days, not even to Tohru, after I broke down to her.

"Lies, lies, Kyo-kun. Are you running away?" He props his feet up on the wooden chair and pushed back onto the chairs two legs, lifting his hands behind his head. His question is met with my silence.

"Are you afraid of something?"

"I'm not going for me," I say in a quiet, indignant voice. Not for me, never for me. For others, for their safety, but mostly for Yuki. So I can't ever hurt him again. If I could sell my soul to the devil in exchange for Yuki's happiness, I would do it. Which is what I'm about to do anyway.

"Wrong," Shigure said, smirking, tapping the corner of his eye with his forefinger, "You can try to convince yourself that it's for someone else all you want, but self-interest is still the only force that drives people forward. Its why they live…and why they die.""

I stare at him. That's not true. I am not doing this for me. I would not give myself to Akito for my own health.

"Why are you going? Are you punishing yourself?"

I freeze, staring, grinding my teeth.

"What has changed, Kyo-kun?"

"…What do you mean?"

"Well, a little while ago, you would have taken out your frustration on…me, Tohru-kun, but mostly my house." He ticks off his fingers. My annoyance rears it ugly head.

"Well, now that I've stopped taking it out on those _important_ things, can you leave me _alone_?!"

"No," He contradicts me, "Now you just take it out on Yuki."

For a moment, my breath is frozen in my throat. But then my shock and dread turns slowly to disdain, my heart beating rapidly.

"Good heavens, Kyo-kun. You don't think I wouldn't have realized by now?" A small smile plays on his lips.

" I don't give a shit what you know," I snarl. And I didn't, really. But I still didn't want Shigure mocking me with his bitterness. Places I didn't want him seeing, or touching. Places I still dared to call my own. Hesitant dreams. Brittle hopes.

"Be as that may, I cannot simply let you run away."

"Why?" I snap at him, "What the hell does it matter if I'm gone? All I ever do is hurt people. Or will I ruin some scheme of yours?"

"Oh," Shigure looks surprised, "that's exactly it, Kyo-kun. How did you know?"

"I don't care about _you_ or your fucking _plans_," I spit, "I'm leaving, and I'll be damned if _you_ stop me." I stride deftly down the steps, and into the forest.

I'll be damned if _anyone_ stops me.

"Oh dear," Shigure says quietly to himself, as if amused, "This wont work out all. I suppose I must do _something_." He smiles quietly again, and stands from his chair and heads leisurely into the house.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Five-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	26. 26

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Well, I tried, and I think this chapter is very good, but more description than action. The action comes next chapter! Also, thank you for the reviews; I got nearly twice what I usually get! They're very encouraging, especially the ones that say what they liked exactly about the chapter, thank you! And I'm sure that many of you know, that Shigure, begin the intuitive dog he is, has figured out to some degree what is going on between Yuki and Kyo, and of course told his two best friends.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Six-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

"…do you?"

"Huh?"

Shigure's lips are in a thin line as he speaks, one hand on his waist and the other on my doorknob. A transient breeze coming from my window lifts the corners of the papers on my desk. I shiver. It's the last of the cold fronts, but the ones at the end are always the strongest. Mid-afternoon and already there was trouble. But at the sound of Kyo's name…there was no hate or anger. Just a pain like a stabbing knife, serrated on the edges….

"He was saying some very peculiar things. You didn't beat him senseless, did you?"

"What do you mean? What's wrong with h- that stupid cat?" I say coldly, as cold as my blood.

"Hmm. Sorry, I just thought you might know what's going on. It's just he was acting very odd, and now he's ran off somewhere…it's very strange." He taps the bridge of his nose.

"What," I narrow my eyes, "What's so strange about it?"

Shigure glances at me furtively.

"Oh, nothing, I just thought he was acting unusual, but no, it's nothing to be worried abou-"

"What?" I ask snappily, getting agitated, and worried.

"Nothing, Yuki-kun, nothing."

"Shigure, you can't just come up here and start making demands and then leave it!" My voice raises, and I _can't_ be acting like this in front of him, I _can't_, but my sense has gone out the window and I _can't care_ right now. I stand and stride toward him, towering over him. He holds up his hands and grins nervously.

"Okay, okay! I just thought that he might have been walking in the direction of the main house, but I was probably just imagining-"

"What?" I ask in disbelief. Shigure answers me again, but I don't hear him. My heart pounds in my chest, as panic floods me. No…NO! _That idiot!_ What the hell was he doing?

My head snaps upwards to Shigure and I eye him suspiciously. It's almost like he knows too much, but…it didn't matter right now. I shove past him and begin to race down the stairs.

"Yuki-kun…?" Shigure asks as I run past Honda-san, who looks bewildered.

"I'll bring that idiot back!" I yell as I slam the door.

* * *

The icy winds sweeps through my thin clothes and chills me, tries to pull me back.

No.

I reach the outside steps and hurtle down them four at a time, taking a breath at the bottom, and I'm sprinting, through the trees and dead leaves that crackle under my feet, the last of them. The last of the leaves. The last of the cold wind, the ending winters chill.

The main house? North, then. He's headed north. I run, and the cold from the air and the heat from my body mix and make me feel feverish.

Shigure…he knows…it's not possible, but…it's all too suspicious, he knows too much, and Akito….

I see him. An orange cotton shirt and khaki pants, that's all he has. He didn't even bring anything with him.

I am almost upon him when I call out his name. He gives a great start and nearly trips, and without even looking back to make sure it was me, he promptly begins to sprint away from me.

He's fast, but, of course, I'm faster.

With a great heave I fling my arms around his waist and throw all my weight against him, and we both go flying and land with a knocking thud into the solid ground, skidding slightly. The feel of him pressed against me throws me into a panic. He can't go, I won't let him…! He moves from under me but I don't get off. We are both panting for breath, but what is most disturbing is that we are breathing at the exact same time. The autumn leaves rustle below us. I can feel them crumble beneath my hands.

"Get off of me," He says, but his voice is so small. He won't even look me in the face.

"Kyo,"

"Get off." He repeats, but his voice is still weak.

"Kyo," I say, trying to get eye contact, "look at me. Look at me, you stupid cat!" I grasp his wrist and I tug it towards me, but he yanks it back and hides his face in his hands.

"I'm not going to let you go." I say vehemently. No games. We both know where he was going.

"I wasn't going anywhere," a touch of his old defiance resurfaces.

"Shut up," I say sharply, "I'm not going to-"

"…Why not?"

It's enough to shake me, and I let go of him and crawl backwards. Because…I….

Because I love you.

"Because I wont. I wont let you do this."

"I…deserve it," He pleads, still averting his eyes.

"No, you don't. You're being your stupid self again, you stupid cat."

"Think whatever you want, but if your not angry than this is even more screwed up than I thought," He snarls, suddenly turning livid.

"It didn't matter, because you knew that I could have fought you off!

"_What the hell are you saying?!_ Are you saying you let me? That I didn't do anything wrong?"

"But…you…you knew. You knew I could have…prevented it, so…that's why. You weren't yourself, anyway." I was thoroughly and violently convinced of this at first, but now, he was voicing the doubts buried deep in the arroyos of my mind.

"You don't get it, do you, you idiot!? It wouldn't have mattered, I would have still done that, I know I would have! Even if you were weak, I would have still-" His voice hitches and comes out in a rasp, "What-what if I – oh god, what if I had…what if I came home and I saw _Tohru_-" He covers his eyes with his hand again, swallowing hard, breathing through bared teeth.

"You wouldn't have done anything to Honda-san," I say, the thought bouncing off my mind. It was incredible, that Kyo thinks he would actually-

"It doesn't matter who I did it with, or how strong, the point is that I still…I still forced you, Yuki. Oh god, I'm so…dirty. And ashamed. I should go in that cage and never look back!"

"I said, I don't care!"

"_But I do_!" he screams, "and I don't understand why you _don't_…you should be angry, and you _have_ to be angry! I'm going, and I don't care if you don't believe me. You can't stop me, either." He seems to frown more and gain strength as he stares at my incredulous anger.

"_No…!_" I hiss, my hands twisting into claws, and my body tensing as though preparing to pounce on him. He turns his face away.

"It's…it's not normal, just to forgive-"

I muster my shaking strength and slap him with all my might.

"Stop rambling!" I growl, "Like a coward! You can go ahead and assume you would do all these things, but I know better! I know you better than you know yourself, and that's not even the worst of it!" He picks himself erratically off the floor, wincing and holding his left eye.

"Kyo, oh, Kyo, you always…you don't understand, do you?" I close my eyes, feeling as though all the life was being sucked out of me. "I wasn't avoiding you because I was angry. No…if I was angry, I would have found you, and probably have beat you senseless, but…_it was okay!_" I look him in the eyes, and the fire that has suddenly erupted in my stomach seems to be reflected in his blazing eyes.

"I accepted it, I knew, and…I understood. Don't you think I know what Akito puts people through? I know what it's like to be contained in the Sohma, of all people I know. My…my mother sold me to Akito, and I was just a tool for years, but…it's okay now. I've forgiven her. And I've forgiven you, I forgave you even before you did anything."

Kyo looks up, tentative and guarded, almost like he won't believe it.

"If Honda-san taught any of us anything," I glare, "it's forgiving and accepting people. _That_ is the one thing that reinforces her life, because you don't see her running away from this family screaming, or chasing down the person who caused her mothers death."

He grows speechless for a minute, but at the same time…he knows it's true. Honda-san had forgiven. And she had accepted. Was it so hard for everyone else to do the same?

"That might be stupid to some people, but it's not stupid to me." I finally say, hoping to make him understand.

"But…no one's been able to say that." He says quietly. He breathes slowly, and it wobbles out of his lungs. "No one's been able to say…that they understood." He frowns and blinks. A lump grows in my throat.

"We're both already so tainted, it doesn't matter. We can dirty each other up…make it as bad as possible because it cant get any worse than it already is!" I know I'm lying. It could get a lot worse, but still! We have each other, right?

His fiery eyes meet me at once, and I feel dizzy just looking at him. I turn my back, and fold my arms in weakness.

"You know…there was a part of me that wanted to be angry, that _was_ angry, but…"

I feel tentative fingers on my upper arm. "I'm sorry," He says slowly, and I hear him take a step closer and his warmth filters through my clothes. "I'm sorry," He repeats, and suddenly my back is encased in warmness. I lean, wordless, into him, and the two of us stand there for a long time, saying nothing.

I lowered my eyelids as a strange pain in my stomach increased and decreased. It was a vibrating, silent hum that rooted my body through my feet. A surreal feeling, a feeling of swaying when you don't move at all. I hear him open his mouth.

"I _hate_ you, you know. I hate you more than anyone. But, not more than I hate myself."

"I know," I say. And I believe it.

"What do you want?"

I turn my head to give him a strange look, but he looks back at me as if he wants to make me happy.

"I don't know."

I wonder if I could say it. I wonder if he could accept it.

"There must be something."

"There is."

_I_

_Love _

_You._

"What then?"

"Smile."

His eyes seem to mirror mine for a minute. For a moment, I think he will say that that's not what I meant to say. Maybe he knows. The painful feeling increases.

"Yuki."

I turn my head again, and with the way he's looking at me, my pain feels as though it will cause me to explode. And he's closer.

Please stay, let me be with you… fight my obsession, even if it's only for a short while.

His warm breath is on my face and my lips part and my mouth is warm and his mouth is warm. His lips are soft. And the tendrils of my obsession abate temporarily, but they'll be back. But for now, I can live with this, whatever it is. _This_.

* * *

"Shigure-san…they've been gone quite a while, don't you think? Maybe I should see…?" I can't help but think that something is terribly wrong. I know that things have change, or something has changed, but…I can't figure out what it is.

"Yes, Tohru-kun. You wouldn't want their dinner to get cold…" Shigure-san smiles at me, but I don't think it's his usual smile. It seems a little sad. I-I'm a little overwhelmed. Everyone around me is having problems; I don't know whom to go to first!

'Okay,' I set my face, 'Okay. One thing at a time, no matter what.'

I set my jaw, and think of my mother. Then I walk out the door and close it softly behind me. If there is a way to help somehow, I will find it.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Six-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	27. 27

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I'm cold…

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Seven-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Something has changed. For the both of them. There's no doubt in my mind, but…I can't tell if it is good or bad. It's very…different.

Alien.

But…I still wonder if I'm intruding. They both went off together, but, Shigure-san asked me to get them…I guess I'll just see…if they should be disturbed first.

I walk swiftly, taking in the wonder of the bare trees. Winter is over. A new semester will begin soon. Spring will begin soon.

Maybe, maybe they've been getting along better recently. I know that they had that fight, but…maybe they're going to make up. I nearly stop, pausing in my endless tramping. Maybe this is not for me to intrude on, maybe I should…. I can't decide, and I feel helpless when I think of Shigure asking me to get them. I'm sure…it will be okay.

_I'm not exactly sure where they are_, I realize, wondering around and hoping to spot them through the trees. I consider calling out for them, and as I open my mouth to ask them from the air, I hear a noise coming from in front of me. I don't see anything, but walk forward quietly, peering through the gray birches until I catch a glimpse of moving color and the wish-wash of quiet voices.

I tilt my head, the blur of color hard to see through the dense trees, and frown slightly. Something doesn't seem right.

I step around a particularly bulky clump of trees, and my eyes catch a thick fallen branch. I step over it carefully, keeping my hands on the smooth wide bark of the birches, and once I am safely over it, I look up.

And any words that might have poured out, or been in my mind, hang unsaid on my lips. My heart skips a beat.

_What are they…?_

They are leaning into each other; Yuki-kun turning his head so that their mouths are touching softly.

And the very seconds seem to slow down and wash over me in slow motion. I can feel each individual beat of my heart.

But horrifying realization crashes over me, and a terrible chill runs up from the bottom of me feet. They-they hadn't been closer, not, _not like I've thought they were!_

Suddenly the past months strange appearances and circumstances, and all the things they've said and done that did not make sense at the time come crashing down as though some mystery had been solved and not this missing piece set the evidence in order and completed the puzzle, this puzzle that I did not even realize was set out.

_Yuki-kun…and Kyo-kun…!!!_

Yuki-kun suddenly whips his body around at me, and Kyo-kun follows is head until his eyes lock with mine, and he looks as if his blood has run cold.

"Hond-" Yuki-kun stammers, but I can barely hear him.

"I-I'm sorry," I whisper, not knowing what I was saying, a jumbled, confused mass mixing in my throat. The very words tearing at my chest and heart. My teeth clench as I realize just what has changed. This? This was the last, the very last….I didn't even suspect, not for a _second_….

But I cannot think any longer, and back up slowly, nearly tripping over the fallen branch. I turn and run. This can't be true…_this can't be true!_

* * *

We watch in horror as she turn and runs, nearly stumbling in her hurry to get away. Yuki and I look at each other in a panic, and in sprint after in sync.

Oh, my God…Tohru saw, she knows, she knows, she knows…_what the hell are we going to tell her?!_ My heart leaps in my throat, and worry so acute piles in my gut and I need to throw it up, to empty my stomach of this horrible feeling. Cold sweat prickles at my stomach and armpits. I look at Yuki, searching for a shred of comfort, but he is focused strait ahead, running strait, determined. I wish I could be like him at this moment, but I….

I'm not like you, Yuki.

We catch up to her easily, but she falls to her knees before we can reach her. The mature and beautiful form, the form of a real woman that I had respected so much seems childish, as she grips the ground and her spines curves pathetically. I shake my head to get it out of my mind.

"Honda-san," Yuki kneels next to her small figure, real worry showing up on his face. He never could stand the sight of Tohru in pain. He must feel even worse knowing he caused it. Well, me too.

"I-I don't know w-why I just started crying like that," she said in a rush, running the backs of her hands over her face, making it a soppy wet mess.

"I'm sorry, Honda-san," Yuki says, pulling a hanky out of his pocket and giving it to her. Who the hell carries a hanky anymore?

"It's, it's just that I was so surprised, I never…never…" she closes her eyes and hiccups.

"Tohru," I too kneel down next to her, and it hurts to see her so upset. "I…we really…never meant for you to find out like that." I feel embarrassment pricking at me, and I am angry at being embarrassed. I touch her shoulder. "I really…we really should have said something, but, it's not like there was a lot of time, and it was kind of confusing…." I am at a loss for words.

"I think what he means to say," Yuki says slowly, "is that we were just as shocked as you."

"Really?" Tohru says, tears clinging to her eyelashes, "Oh, I am so very sorry! I must have made such a scene, running off like that, it's just that I was so surprised!"

"You don't have to apologize," I say gruffly getting to my feet. I offer my hand. "We'll…we'll tell you the whole story, okay?"

She looks surprised and pleased. I look at Yuki, searching for permission, but he grasps Tohru's hand in both of his.

"It was wrong of us to hide it, especially from you," he murmured, "because we know you will accept us, even if you have already done so much for us."

For once she doesn't go into rambling denials, but only looks pained and in some kind of despair.

Suddenly, she smiles. It was one of the most beautiful smiles she had ever made, and it lit up her whole face, even if she was rather soaked.

"I'm…so happy. Of course I will listen. If you please, tell me everything, everything. Oh, I'm so very happy. I never thought that it would happen but…I'm so glad. It's going to be alright, isn't it?"

Yuki smiles, but I can't move the muscles in my mouth. Isn't it?

* * *

My bed is freakin' creaky. I hardly noticed before, it feels like an old bed. Maybe I just can't sleep. I sigh and turn over, facing my wall. I drag my hand over the hollow wood, feel my bracelets rubbing against my head. It's so quiet.

I guess I'm waiting for morning. But then, someone comes into my room.

I don't turn over, as the person sits on the edge of my creaky bed. I am annoyed at the shift and close my eyes. Then I reach out my hand blindly and grab cloth.

I turn over and bring him down at the same time, so my arms are wrapped around him and he breathes into my chest.

"Yuki," I say, "It's going to be alright, isn't it?" It had been bothering me for so long.

He doesn't answer for a long time.

"I'm going to try my best," He replies in a muffled voice, the words vibrating against my chest, "Are you?"

"…yes."

He looks up, and a single ray of moonlight catches his eyes. They're brighter than the moon, and so clear. Like crystals.

His fingers brush against my eye, which is slightly swollen and blue from where he slapped me.

"I'm sorry. I hurt you, didn't I?" I blink.

"You never cared before."

"I did," He said, caressing my cheek. And I believe him. I am encumbered by a weird feeling, and move out of his grasp.

"What's wrong?"

"This…" I say, embarrassed, "It's too weird. Even Tohru knows now."

"But she accepted it. She won't tell anyone. You know this," Yuki frowns slightly.

"Not that, really. It's just, it's kind of like we switched roles for a day. You were never…like that before. It was just…weird."

"Like what?" His fingers brush my neck and jaw line.

"So…active. You were just…into what you were saying. Before, whenever you talked, you just sounded dead, like you didn't care. But…it was different." I swallow, "It _is_ different."

"Did you not like me like that?"

"No, I do. Nice to see a different attitude once in a while." I smirk, and smile. He buries his head in my chest, and I twine my fingers through his hair. A forgein contentment steals over me, and I sleep.

I guess it wasn't morning that I was waiting for, after all.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Seven-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	28. 28

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** I am so, so sorry. I haven't died. I haven't given up. Junior year sucks. Seriously. I hate it. I have AP exams, normal exams, and registration for next year, etc. I love all of you for not giving up. huggles

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Eight-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Tohru, Haru, probably Shigure…which means he told Hatori and that other annoying bastard…!

I tick the people off on my fingers that I think know about me and Yuki. I'm assuming Shigure figured it out already. He's not stupid. But if he knows then so do Ayame and Hatori…. Too many people know. Haru and Tohru wont say anything, but the other three…I can't trust them.

I set the carton of orange juice on the table and sigh. My body feels heavy. I have only a month and a half before graduation. A part of me believes, or wants to believe that something like getting locked up could never happen. This isn't the Middle Ages, this is the 20th century. They can't do that to people…to normal people. I have to remind myself that I am the farthest thing from normal.

"Good morning, Kyo-kun!" My ears prick up as Tohru steps into the kitchen, "Where is Yuki-kun?"

'How should I know?' was halfway to my lips before I clapped my teeth shut. It felt weird being so casual about it, especially in front of her. I felt embarrassed, but a sort of defiance was stronger within me. I scowled and shrugged my shoulders.

Just then Yuki walked through the door, rubbing his eyes and muttering something that could have been 'good morning' in our general direction. Shigure was trailing after him. Tohru smiled and replied, and began serving breakfast as we all sat down around the familiar square table. Shigure began to question our plans for the day, when Yuki's eyes suddenly snapped to the carton of OJ I was still drinking.

"How many times do I have to ask you nicely to get a cup?" His voice was whip like.

"As many times as you like," I replied, taking a long slow drink from the carton, "you should just figure out that I'm not gonna listen to you."

"No one wants to gets sick from you," he said, sniffing.

"I'm not sick, you damn rat! You're just making up excuses to try and be all condescending!"

"No, it's just that no one else wants to drink your cat-backwash!"

"And no one else wants to listen to you bitch about it!"

Suddenly aware of the lack of Tohru's protests and a rather ominous silence opposite us, we both look over simultaneously at the other side of the table to see both Tohru and Shigure watching us attentively. Shigure raises his head off his hand and lifts his brow.

"Is something wrong?"

"What-what the hell are you watching us for?!"

"But it's so entertaining listening to you two go on and on like an old married couple," Shigure protests as Tohru hurriedly begins to clear the table even though no one had touched their food.

My face ignites as Yuki visibly blanches.

"Why you-!!!" I roar, "I'm leaving!" I upset the table as I rise to leave.

"Don't bother," Shigure smiles and turns to leave, "I'm going out for the day." He rests his hand on the doorframe for a second before winking and leaving.

All three of us stare after him, as I slow my furious breathing, "What the hell was that?!"

"Yuki-kun," Tohru says, "I was wondering if some of your vegetables are ready for harvest?"

"Tonight's dinner?" He questions, and Tohru answers with a smile and a nod.

"I'm already overdue on some of them, so I'll cut everything that's ready and bring it to you." He smils. It was that kind of smile. I twinge.

"Thank you so much!" Tohru says, and busies herself rummaging through the kitchen cupboards. I stand there growing more insanely jealous by the minute when a pair of leather gloves smacks me in the face.

"Make yourself useful," Yuki says, "instead of standing there with that idiotic look on your face."

"For cryin' out loud…" I huff. But I can't hide the half-smile from my face as I follow Yuki out the door.

* * *

"…wow." Yuki and I survey the garden. I can't find anything suspicious, and look at him with my eyebrows raised.

"What?"

"It's been a while since I've been here." He kneels down next to what looks like beanstalks.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Look," he points at the soft soil next to the bean-things. Tiny fuzzed sprouts are growing out of the ground.

"Weeds?" I ask.

"Tomatoes," he replies, pointing to the full-grown bush a few feet away.

"Whaaa- but-" I say as he starts to pluck them from the ground, "What are you doing that for? They're not bad!"

"If they grow they'll choke out the edamame. You have to sacrifice some plants to allow the ones you want to grow to live."

I feel sick suddenly, and angry.

"Well, are you going to plant them somewhere else?" I sort of burst out. Yuki looks up quickly. Heat rushes to my face. "I-I mean, they're not completely useless, you could just put them somewhere else, they could do their job just as well as the other ones!"

Yuki opens his mouth but doesn't say anything.

"You-you don't have to sacrifice…anything." I say, turning my flushed face away.

"Kyo…" the sound of his voice soothes me, but makes me angry with him for being soft, "look at me."

I ignore him and concentrate on my clenched fists, feeling pathetic for blowing everything out of proportion again. "Hey, Kyo…?"

Suddenly he sweeps me with his feet and my back slams into the ground.

"…Shit!" I yell, raising myself on my elbows, "What the hell-"

I stop talking when I realize his face is half an inch from mine. He swings a knee over my stomach and places his hands on either side of me. I shrink back from those huge silver eyes.

"Kyo," he says slowly but fiercely, and I don't breathe, waiting for him to move, "you're not a tomato."

I blink for several seconds. It was all I needed.

"…Right…sorry."

* * *

"Don't you think Shigure is a bit late?" Yuki muses, his chin on his hand as he stares at the streaked windows. I look up drowsily, trying to ignore the pounding rain.

Tohru looks up from the steaming pot of stew. "Oh! You're right, I didn't notice until now…he did say he'd be out all day but…" She glanced out the window into the pitch dark.

"Should-should we call the main house?" She suggests timidly.

"Hn," I say, knowing that would never happen. Yuki too looks out the window. "He should have least called…it's not like he'll eat dinner over there or anything." He murmurs, to himself mostly.

Everyone perks up and Tohru nearly jumps out of her skin at the sound at the sound of approaching footsteps.

"It must be…" Tohru trots off to get the door for him. Yuki looks at me and I shrug. We didn't hear a car. Maybe he walked home. No, he wouldn't be that stupid in this rain.

Both our necks snap around at the door as we hear Tohru open the door and give a loud, horrified gasp. We both practically sprint into the living room. I hear a strange noise from Yuki.

"Yo," Shigure smiles, raising two of his fingers to his dripping brow, "what's for dinner?"

"Shi-Shi-Shi-" Tohru raises her quaking fingers in front of her.

"What the hell happened to you?" I cut Tohru off.

"Oh, this?" Shigure waves his hand in the general direction of his face, "Well, you see, I was walking home,"

By the 'you see' both Yuki and I knew it was a load of crap.

"And dark clouds suddenly swarmed over head, and before I realized it, it was pouring buckets and pitch dark!"

Tohru blinked in horrid worry.

"And in that pitch blackness, -it was terrible, Tohru-kun, that blackness- I tripped over a tree root and fell right over!"

He tries to wink, but his massively swollen eye prevents it and he winces.

"Well, is dinner ready?" Tohru nods quickly, still casting worried eyes over him, not moving a muscle.

"I'm going to go change, so don't put it away," He pats her on the head and leaves, water soaking into the carpet and making little squishing sounds as he walks. Tohru swiftly turns to us, looking for reassurance that Shigure was telling the truth. We both give fake smiles in return. Now we all understood and could lie freely. She travels back to the kitchen.

I cross my arms and look over at Yuki to see him in the same position. We don't have to say anything.

* * *

"Ahhh, it's great to be clean!" Shigure slams the shoji open very loudly to where we are all sitting under the kotatsu watching the 10 o'clock news. He rubs his hair with a towel, and smiles at us, awkwardly because of his swollen lips.

"Shigure-san…" Tohru looks reluctantly at his face, "Is there something that I can-"

"Nothing, my little flower, nothing." He reaches down and gently taps her nose. "'Tis only a scratch!" He laughs, a little too loudly. It annoys me.

"Where are you going?" Yuki looks up at me.

"The roof." I scowl.

"It's raining," he points out. I scowl bigger. I forgot about that. I go up to my room instead.

Quiet.

* * *

The sound of running water and clinking dishes relaxes me.

"Yuki-kun," Shigure calls me from the opposite side of the table, "I need to talk to you for a little." He glances at the closed kitchen door where Tohru is cleaning up.

I get off my elbow where I have been waiting patiently for his speech to explain himself. He threads his fingers together and studies them for a few seconds.

"I know…that it might be really hard to do, but…" He looks almost as if he is admitting something. I raise my eyebrows higher as his silence prolongs.

"You mustn't talk to Akito about Kyo." I don't move at all, not letting anything show.

"Is your face the end result?"

"Well, that," He chuckles nervously, "but…you might get him in even more trouble." He looks guilty for a split second. Inside I recoil.

"What does that mean?" I spit acidly, "Did you do something idiotic?"

"I was honestly trying to do my part as a good citizen," he looks slightly affronted, "you sound so suspicious!" He tries to smile again.

"What did you say to him?" Shigure leans back and scratches his head, sighing.

"I only asked him to be a bit more merciful."

My heart pounds. "You- you know that doesn't work! You knew he'd get angry! Because of your lunacy K- he's going to be punished more?"

"I thought I could help, Yuki." He says, severely enough to make me stop talking, "Which is why I'm telling you not to do anything rash."

I laugh, cruelly.

"Rash, Shigure? Are you saying what you did was rash?"

Shigure narrows his eyes slightly, as I stand to take my leave. "Are you sure you weren't trying to gain something for yourself?"

His expression doesn't change, he doesn't move. Just like me when I was trying to hide something.

**

* * *

**

As I journey to my room, I walk past the closed bathroom door and I hear the shower going. I let my hand brush against it, rather loudly. I unbutton my shirt with the other.

I get to my own room and crawl across my bed, letting my back sag against the wall and sighing deeply. I open my eyes to stare blankly at the moonlight casting white shadows on the opposite wall.

After all this time, it still seems absurd. I frown and close my eyes, shutting the light out of my mind. This light that seems to illuminate the things I want to stay hidden. I stay there like that avoiding everything for a long time.

"Yuki…are you awake?"

My eyes snap open to see total darkness spread throughout my room. I turn my head and see Kyo standing in the doorway. I can smell soap and his clean clothes.

"Yes." He is a bit silent and I catch him eyeing my unbuttoned shit, hanging off my shoulders.

He raises his eyebrows, "Were you waiting for me?"

I blink and make a half-smirk.

"I guess I was."

He moves toward me and I freeze up, not even breathing, watching him carefully. Like someone being stalked.

He sits down in front of me on the bed. He doesn't move either.

The cold room already seems warmer.

He seems embarrassed, and ashamed. Of this. Of himself.

I snake my fingers to touch the back of his hand. He flinches very slightly, and I grasp it hard.

I realize, quite suddenly and fiercely that I don't want him to flinch away from me any more.

I pull his hand, roughly, towards me until his body is turned towards me. He watches me through uncertain eyes, shying away slightly, hiding behind his bangs.

I draw his hand to my face, and turning in over in front of my eyes. I slowly run my lips across the edge of his index finger. He flinches again.

"Yuki…!" He says, apparently startled.

"Shh."

"But-"

"Be quiet, you stupid cat," I admonish, and frown as I hold those shivering digits steadfast, determined. I feel him shiver beneath my mouth. I don't look at him, keeping my eyes at a lazy half-closed position, gazing at nothing at all.

He gasps when I move to the other wavering fingers, gently kissing and pressing my mouth to them, trailing over them.

"Yuki…" He says again.

It's hardly ever like this. It's hardly ever gentle.

My eyes slowly close, shutting out everything but Kyo's beautiful hands. The hands that could so easily smash a brick or a board in two, hands that were now trembling and helpless in mine.

I will work to make him not afraid. I will make him stop cringing away from me, even if it takes forever.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Eight-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	29. 29

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga.

**Author's Note-** Ughh…haven't slept in two days -.-…wow Shishou took a long, long time to show up didn't he? Really want to thank the reviewers for the last chapter, especially Chibito, who inspired me to start editing the first few chapters that I have written over two years ago. You were a real help :3

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Nine-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

It wasn't always beautiful. Most of the time it was rough and awkward and even embarrassing. But there were some things, small things, like the way my fingers would twist through his long strands of silvery hair, or how we would cover each other in hot open-mouth kisses while long fingers entwined in each other…

* * *

I kick off my shoes as I slide the thin and worn paper doors aside. There are already a few students here, preparing for practice. They throw hellos at me as I walk past, hellos that I grunt in return. I go into the changing room and take my gi from my bag, the familiar fresh scent of the laundry soap Tohru uses wafting in the air. I sigh and change into it quickly. I hear the murmur of voices grow louder and I head out to begin practice.

As I take my place among the formations of students, my heart suddenly skips a beat as I realize that Kagura could be here- but with a quick look around I reassure myself of her absence. My mind wanders for about two seconds before again I become aware that Kagura is not the only Sohma who takes this class with me. I look around wildly as I remember with a jolt that today is Haru's day to practice too. I glance around but there is no sign of that obvious hair. Maybe he's skipping out. Every time someone walks through the doors I crane my neck to see who it is, but there is no warning that he is coming at all.

Finally Shishou makes his appearance, shutting the shoji behind him softly. I can't help but grow calmer at just the sight of him. He starts telling the neat rows of pupils the practices instructions, as usual.

"For the first part of today's practice, I want to go over the new maneuvers we learned last week, preferably that spinning technique we went over. Please divide into pairs with the person next to you. This isn't a serious spar, so no hard kicks or punches and no attacking the head."

He then begins to walk among us, and we immediately split into groups and began. We didn't need him to say 'go'. I turn simultaneously to the person next to me, and he smiles as he recognizes me.

"Hey, Kyo," Kunimitsu grins. "Don't go too hard on me today, hey?"

"Yeah, yeah," I grumble at him. We both tense into starting positions, and I crack my neck. I smile unwittingly, ready to let loose the days stress with a hard practice.

Kunimitsu attacks first, sending a foot to my side, but I slide my arm under it and throw him off before he can make contact. I use the opportunity to aim a punch right in his stomach, but he parries off and slides to the ground, trying to sweep me with his leg. I shirk this and he spins around on the balls of his feet. Before he can raise himself to full height, I aim my leg for his head, and swing. He sees it coming and puts his hands up, ducking just in time. He clasps his hands together and shoves his elbow into the back of my knee. Expecting this, I let my leg bend but I don't fall. He grimaces and again tries to sweep me, but it is hard to do in the squatting position he is in. I block his weakened attack with my steadfast foot, and the continued momentum sends him forward onto his hands. I aim my hand and throw my arm, stopping it right before it reaches its mark. He turns his eyes to find my hand hovering near the back of his neck, and he laughs.

"You got me again! Fine, fine. No more going easy on you." Kunimitsu wipes his sweaty brow, as we get into starting positions. I am already starting to breathe hard. Again he attacks first. He aims a right hook to my ribs, but I evade using the new technique, spinning away. It was still a little shaky, and Kunimitsu spots this weakness. He charges in with a punch strait to the chest, but I catch it between my crossed wrists. I see my shining opportunity and send him to the ground with a firm kick to the stomach. He lands hard on his ass.

"Ooh, Kyo-kun! That huuuuuurt…" He whines. I am breathing hard by now but still laugh.

"Sorry, Kunimitsu. Are you okay?" I extend my arm and bend over to help him up, but as soon as I do, something seems to snap inside me. I freeze, and the last thing I see is Kunimitsu looking up at me, his brow raised.

* * *

"Kyo…can you hear me?" I'm outside. How did I get outside? I look up and realize that I'm leaning against a tree, out near where the water faucets and hoses are. Shishou and a few other students including Kunimitsu surround me.

"Kyo? Kyo, I'm so sorry!" Kunimitsu looks appalled. "I didn't think we were practicing too hard, but-"

I let my head flop forward and slowly glare at everyone. Shishou gets the message and orders everyone back inside. He sits down next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. A breeze passes by and I realize I am drenched in sweat.

"Are you okay now?" I lick my lips and nod, but that was a mistake. My stomach lurches and I lean forward on my hands. I gag and throw up water, which is all I had before I came. The acidic taste burns my mouth and my throat works. I think I hear Shishou calling my name.

Again the tiny buzzing in my brain starts, only slower this time. I look madly at Shishou. I can see his mouth moving but can't hear any sound. It's like a pillow is being pressed over my head. Everything starts turning white, and I feel as if I'm going to float away. My eyelids turn heavy. I can barely register the hard ground beneath my knees.

"Kyo," I hear Shishou's far-away voice ordering, "Keep your eyes open." But I'm so tired. Just let me go to sleep. I'm so…tired.

What seems like minutes later I am blinking, my awareness coming back to me. I let out slow breaths. I realize that my feet are elevated on something, and I nearly jump out of my skin.

Haru has them on his lap, and he is staring unblinkingly at me.

My legs jerk out of his hands and I roll onto my side and get up. My muscles are screaming in protest, and my limbs shake violently. I begin walking hunched over towards the dojo, but that cold shiver comes back again. Haru is there, grabbing my arm and putting it over his shoulder, guiding me to the deck.

"Ha…ru…" I start to breathe really hard and for some stupid reason I feel panic fluttering in my chest. I try desperately to get up again, but I feel his surprisingly strong hands on my shoulders shoving me down.

"Kyo…sit down." He says in that annoying calm voice. I try again to break free of his grasp. "Sit down!"

I stare at him, still breathing like I just got through fighting him. I realize that my hands are on his chest and his are on my shoulders, still digging into them. I take my hands off as a sign of defeat and he lets go of me. I lick my lips, trying to keep my face from reddening. The last time I saw him was when he found out about Yuki and me, and threatened everything.

We stare at each other and I open my mouth to tell him to leave me alone when the doors behind us open. Shishou steps out, holding a phone.

"Kyo, you shouldn't be moving around." He scrutinizes me closely. "I'm calling Shigure-san, and Hatori-san after so he can take a look at you."

I pant, almost accepting that crazy proposal. Suddenly my stomach lurches again, and I barely make it to the garbage can. I hear him say my name, but I just shake my head, gagging and coughing.

"N-no way, Shishou," I pant, "I'm fine." I look at him pleadingly. "I want to stay here for the night…if that's okay."

Shishou stares at me in a way that for a second I think he will flat-out deny my request. Surprisingly, he breaks into a smile.

"Of course you can stay here, I'd like that. But Hatori-san has to come over to look at you, alright?"

I nod, but Shishou still looks unconvinced, until Haru opens his mouth.

"I'll get you if anything happens, Shihan."

He nods his head and walks back to the dojo. It's surprisingly quiet; I guess everyone left. I turn my head back to Haru and swallow. We stare at each other for about three very awkward seconds.

"Hey," he starts, "what's going on? You've never been this out of control of your body."

I close my eyes and breathe, letting my fear get the best of me again. "It's nothing- I just ate something funny."

He looks out into the dense mountains, not even bothering to give me a doubtful look, seeing right through me. It was the first time he had really looked at me since that day we walked home from school. He had completely ignored and avoided me at school, and he hadn't even shown up at the dojo until today. I'm not going to lie; I was relieved.

"…Why aren't you pissed at me anymore?"

He didn't even bat an eye. I guess he saw it coming. "I wasn't pissed."

I snort. "Oh, really?"

"I was jealous."

I felt put on the spot, a little embarrassed, like I always did when I talked about this. "…Of me?"

Haru smiles, but his eyes are sad. "I guess I was just sick of not being loved back."

I feel my defenses automatically go up, but I breathe, remembering the years I spent alone. "Yeah…I know what you mean."

Haru turns his head towards me, and I blink and my head enflames, sending me back into dizzy spells.

"Wha-" I start, but he cuts me off.

"Don't worry," he says, "that's all over now." I look at him in surprise but his gaze has returned to the darkening mountains. I stare relentlessly at his profile. For some reason I feel so immensely relieved that it was really like a heavy weight had gone from my shoulders. Suddenly, he speaks again.

"Don't you think it's ironic, how sometimes the purest qualities can turn around and stab you in the back?"

I inspect him closely, "What do you mean?"

"Ah, come now, I'm not that mean."

"That's not what I said-" My words are cut off as Shishou comes outside again.

"Kyo," he says, "Hatori-san will be over here shortly."

"Good," Haru sighs, closing his eyes and leaning backwards on his hands, "I don't have to walk home."

Haru gets up and walks inside, and I follow him, Shishou behind me.

"Call home," he encourages once we get in the dojo. "I don't want Tohru-san worrying any more then she has to." Nodding, I walk to the hallway where the only phone is. I dial Shigure's number and sigh, expecting to get the answering machine. But after the second ring, there is a pause.

"Hello?" The voice on the line is so familiar that for a moment I just stare at the wall.

"…Yuki?"

"Kyo? Is that you?"

"Y-yeah…"

A moment of silence passes between us. I completely forget what I'm calling for.

"What is it?"

"Uh…! Just- just tell Tohru I'm staying the night at Shishou's." Why do I feel like I'm asking permission?

"Oh…okay. I'll tell Shigure and Honda-san, then…."

"Yea….thanks." I can feel his frown over the phone, and I want to say something, but I can't think of a single thing. Another eating quiet floats between us.

"Uh…well, bye then…" I say, wanting to end the awkward silence.

"Bye…" He sounds disenchanted.

"Wait!"

"Yeah?"

"Uh…Yuki," I say his name really quietly, half-hoping he wont hear me. Why do I feel like I'm betraying him? Why do I feel like I have to ask him? I'm me; I do what I want when I want! I am perfectly capable of making an intelligent decision by myself! I'm not some whipped…boyfriend? GAH!

"Do you trust Shishou?" I really don't mean to ask him that, and I almost hang up on him in order to escape the situation.

"Yes…I trust Shihan…why?"

"N-no reason. See you later…" I love you. I hang up.

I walk back into the kitchen where I hear Haru and Shishou talking. Shishou smiles at me.

"Shall I make dinner?"

I smirk, my stomach still bothering me. "No way. I couldn't eat your cooking if I was feeling fine."

"Take-out, then?" Haru asks, and retreats into the hall, presumably for the phone.

"Sorry, Shishou. I'd make something…but I just don't feel up to it."

"I understand," he smiles, his eyes closed.

* * *

"It's nothing serious. He's just under a lot of stress. I'd tell him to stop the training, but it might be the best thing for him right now."

Hatori looks bemused at Kazuma's expression. "I can't give him anything to make him better, and I'm no psychologist. There's nothing I can do."

For a minute Kazuma's eyes darken, as if he is angry. Then the expression fades and he sighs. "I see. Thank you."

* * *

"Do you have something to tell me? You're staring at me." Shishou smiles, and I laugh nervously.

"Not-not really, it's just that we haven't talked in a long time." He nods and we both finish our meal in silence.

"What would you like to talk about?"

"Nothing, really, I just…you know…wanted to see you."

"I see," he says, searching me with his eyes.

Man, how can I possibly complain to him about all the crap that's been going on without giving myself away?

"You-you don't think Tohru knows…about the cage…do you?"

"I have no idea, Kyo, but you know you can't hide it forever. You have very limited time left, and she needs to know before you leave. It would be cruel to just disappear from her life."

I look at the table for a long time before I speak again.

"I…don't want to go." I didn't mean for it to sound so childish, but the look in Shishou's eyes tells me he understands.

"I know, Kyo. I'm doing everything in my power to stop this from happening…" I look up.

"But what?"

"Akito's mind is hard to change. But there is always hope. Akito is a very sick person. His health has been declining for a long time, and so, his power. I know you wont be in that…that cage for very long."

"Thanks," I say. We both then get up and clear the table, and after some time of quiet working to clean the kitchen we find ourselves out on the deck.

"Is there something else wrong?" Shishou asks, facing me. A light wind sends shivers through my body, and I shake my head.

"It's…it's nothing. Just…no…it's nothing." I start to fidget with my hands again. I can't tell him anything. There wasn't anything I could tell him.

"Kyo," He grabs my attention away from my hands and I look up at him dejectedly, "is this about you and Yuki?"

For a whole five seconds my brain doesn't register a thing he just said. A look of terror slides onto my face as my jaw drops open.

"Wha-what- what…what about…h-him?"

He smiles gently.

"I've known that something had changed for a while now, but I didn't know what it was exactly until a few weeks ago. Is that what you want to talk about?"

I jerk my body away and make a running jump off the deck, but Shishou is still too fast. He trips me, and I go down, eating grass.

"Ughhn!" I spit out dirt and plant matter as Shishou hops down like a cat next to me.

"Sit up. Are you alright?" He puts his hand lightly on my shoulder. I react like a wounded animal. I jerk out of his grasp and turn to face him.

"You…you _knew_? And you acted like nothing was wrong?" My voice is high and somewhat hysterical.

"What was wrong?" He asks and looks down at me. I swallow and turn red. "You seemed happier than ever lately, despite what you know is coming. How could I ever think that was wrong?"

Suddenly I feel overwhelming guilt drench me.

"Are you mad…that I didn't tell you about it?" He actually starts to laugh his clear, loud laugh.

"Of course I'm not mad. It's natural for you to keep it a secret."

I flush harder than ever. Being found out was one thing. Being found out by your highly revered father figure was another. I rub my forehead roughly and swear.

"You-you really don't…care? I mean, I know you care, but…you…don't…think it's…weird?"

Shishou just stares at me. "It was a shock, if that's what you mean. I would not have expected you and Yuki to be anything less than enemies, even if you haven't been fighting as much as of late."

"Not just that," I say breathlessly, "But…I mean…we're both…you know…." By the end of my unintelligible statement my head is turned completely away from him.

"You mean, that you're both men?" he finishes for me. I suck in air. No one's ever said it out loud like that. I feel as though I've just confessed a hideous crime. Never, even with the awkward moments with Yuki or the ridiculous excuses to the household had I ever felt so mortified. I swear and hide my face with my arm.

"Kyo," Shishou touches my wrist with his fingers, "I'm not ashamed of you."

Now I understand what Haru was talking about. Feelings like trust, and faith, and love; they can cut either way, like two-edged swords.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Twenty Nine-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	30. 30

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. That belongs to the Goddess Takaya. Also I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Saiyuki, too.

**Author's Note-** hello :3 thanks for the awesome reviews!! This is kind of a filler chapter, getting ready for the next few. This story is almost over...T.T

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

The next afternoon I gather my few belonging left behind at Shishou's. I stuff them into my bag and go back outside, where he is waiting to see me off. He looks a little tired after a long night of my stuttered admittances. He didn't really make me tell him, but I figured that if he knows, he might as well hear the whole story. I didn't tell him anything too personal, and he didn't ask. After this whole confession thing I don't really feel relieved, just different. Like I woke up and the world had changed a little.

"Will you still be coming to the dojo for training?" He asks.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm still coming!" I brush my hair out of my eyes a little more violently then I mean to.

He smiles. "That's good."

"Look." He says suddenly, pointing skywards. "The birds are returning north. Can you see?"

I look to the cold sky and see a v-line of small black birds heading away from us.

"Who do you suppose decided birds are free?" he asks. "They can fly wherever they choose, but if there's no branch for them to return to, they might regret having wings, don't you think?"

"Shishou…"

"Yes?"

"What am I supposed to do now?" I swallow hard. "Ahead of me…I can't see anything…."

Shishou closes his eyes, and I fell crestfallen. He always had an answer for everything. Is this the one part of my life that I have no control over? Then, suddenly-

"It is time you trusted with the eyes of your heart."

Eyes of my heart…?

"Now, go and observe with those eyes. See what it is you need now, and what you should believe in."

* * *

The walk home seems extended, and all my thoughts seem to bounce around my brain and then collapse into a sloppy liquid puddle, splashing the sides of my skull. 

What I need now…what does that mean?

I look ahead a walk a little quicker. I envision Yuki glancing up from the kotatsu as I walked through the front door, his face unmoving but his eyes showing me everything. Then I would walk past him, slowing down as I moved forward, and his eyes would slowly slide back to their previous activity. Then, later that night, one of us would ambush the other on his way to the kitchen, or the bathroom, or even a purposeful walk in the woods. Then a sweaty tangle of limbs and one-sided bodily battles would roughly occur sometime in the early hours of the morning. Then we would lie there for a long time, and I would watch him and wonder what he was thinking, wondering if he was having the same wicked thoughts as I was. Maybe wondering why he even got into this and if it was still possible to back out. Never wondering if he should back out, only if he could. At one point someone would get up and awkwardly make his way out of the situation, and in the morning it would all seem like a dream.

What I should believe in? What I should hope for?

_"They might regret having wings, don't you think?"_

Yuki. I can see his face, his body, his form. I can smell that impartial scent of yours creeping under your door and into the hallway. I can feel the sweat on your back as my fingers work up your bones, and hear the quietness of the nights that we share together….

A horrible feeling seems to turn my stomach sour, leaving me so vulnerable and weak that the sweat pours out on my forehead and I start to shake. I want something. I want it so badly.

I break into a jolting run, burning for the need to hurry hurry hurry…

I need to get to Yuki…I need to get home.

Maybe real freedom…isn't the gift to go where you please, but having a home to go back to.

* * *

Everything goes exactly as I predicted when I get home. 

"Kyo-kun, how are you feeling?" Tohru pesters me in her motherly way, but of course I enjoy it. "I made soup for dinner, so it will be easy on your stomach. Yuki-kun gave me some herbs from his garden to use so you can heal faster." I glanced at her face to see a peculiar expression there, almost as if she were trying not to smile.

I walk into the living room and see Yuki. We stare at each other for a full three seconds, before I hear someone clear his throat in the corner. Shigure is standing there, his arms crossed and a nasty little smile on his face.

"Are you well again Kyo-kun? I assume Haa-san took a look at you."

"Yeah I'm fine," I mutter gruffly, and without a second glance at anyone I head up to the roof.

I lie back with my hands behind my head, watching the stars come out as the sun dies. I hear the balcony door open and footsteps as someone climbs the ladder. I sit up, my heart pounding only to see Shigure's head pop up.

"What are you doing up here?" I make a sour face.

"Well, I simply wanted to spare you the embarrassment of being lectured in front of our little flower," he tosses his head.

"Try me." I say, and Shigure chuckles.

"I'll dig right in then. I just wanted to say that there's no need to be so tense around us."

"I'm not tense," I blurt out angrily.

"You're clenching your hands," he points out. I relax them.

"So what? I'll act however I want." I put my arms behind my head and lay back down. Shigure smiles. "Just what I wanted to hear!" He claps his hands and goes back to the ladder.

I get up in surprise and amble over to the edge. "That was it?" I ask in shock.

"Moderation, remember?" He says, "But keep in mind to not be so forced here."

"Shut up and go!"

I hear him laughing still when he closes the door on the balcony. I glare at nothing for a minute, thoughts racing through my mind. I rise and ascend down the ladder and back into the house.

"Hey," I say awkwardly to Tohru as she unearths some ingredients from the fridge.

"Kyo-kun! Is something wrong?" That typical smile, those patient eyes.

"No. Just saying hey." I state out the last sentence without meaning to.

"Oh! Of-of course! I'm sorry," she says quickly. I sit down at the table and I feel Tohru's worried eyes on me for a fraction of a section before she busies herself in the dinner making again.

I sit there for a good ten minutes, plucking up my courage. I finally open my mouth.

"This whole time…" she straightens up from the oven, a steaming something in her mitted hands. "I was only chasing after you for myself."

I glance into her very bewildered eyes. We stare at each other until she suddenly gasps and puts the pot onto the stovetop and rips off her oven mitts. She hurries to the sink and turns the faucet on, holding her fingers under the running water.

I get up, my chair scraping across the linoleum floor. "Are you alright…?" I go over to her and touch her arm. I realize with a jolt that there are tears running down her face.

"I-I burnt my hands…" she smiles through her tears and holds them out to me.

It suddenly brings back an old memory I had nearly forgotten.

_"You can't break the board by hitting it," Shishou explained to me, "hit something ten inches behind it. As far as you're concerned, the board doesn't exist."_

_"But it does exist," I whined._

_Shishou shrugged, "That's what you think."_

_I continued to try and break that unbreakable board, and when my hands were bleeding and swollen, I held them out to him. "My hands hurt," I cried._

_"Yes," Shishou nodded seriously, "your mind is really damaging them."_

"Tohru…" I suddenly feel so bad for her that I almost hug her. She seems to be watching the water trail over her fingertips for a while, and then she shuts it off. She turns to face me.

"But it's better now." And a true smile lights up her face. "I'm very happy for you, Kyo-kun."

I can't help but smile either.

* * *

It's late. I never understood why people take showers so late and put of ridding their bodies of dirt later then sooner. I come so close to the door my hair touches it. I reach for the doorknob and to my complete surprise I find it unlocked. 

I open it silently as the steam hits me. The sound of running water is magnified and I can see the slight silhouette of his body. I unbutton my shirt and drop it carelessly to the floor. I guess I was in for a second shower.

I rip back the shower curtain and he turns his head, his hands in his soapy hair.

"Sneaky rat…" he glares.

"I wanted to talk to you," I say indifferently.

"This wouldn't be my first choice to have a conversation…" he starts sarcastically, but he stops talking once I step into the shower with him. He closes his mouth, swallows, and backpedals several steps. My eyes move down his glistening body to the soap sliding down his legs and into the swirling drain, and I step into the violent stream of steaming water.

It pounds over my head and drenches me, my hair making a dripping curtain over my eyes. I lift my head so the water runs over my eyelids, and I move closer. I touch his chest and close the space between us, my body sliding against his own.

"So…what…about?" He breathes heavily.

"Mmnnn…" I sigh, my lips grazing his neck, "I don't remember now."

His fingers dig erotically into my shoulder and neck. I look at him, but he looks away, almost…reluctantly. I frown.

"What's wrong?"

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. But I already know.

* * *

The bell rings loud and clear, but barely registers in my mind. I walk absent-mindedly to my locker and begin shoving worn-out textbooks into it. Out of my peripherals I spot someone walking towards me. 

"What are you doing out here?"

"I'd ask you the same question," Haru gives me a blank stare. "Did you get sick again?"

"What? Oh, no…."

I stare at him for a minute, my eye catching a dark bruise on his cheekbone.

"What happened to your face?" I ask, a quiet anger seeping through me, "Did Akito do that to you?"

"Oh, this?" he brushes his cheek, "No, no it wasn't him. Rin slapped me really hard when I snuck up on her the other day."

"Rin? Oh…" I always had sneaking suspicions about Haru and Rin, especially when I brought them up with Yuki and he had this annoying smug look on his face like he knew something I didn't.

"She was in the hospital again."

"Why?"

"Akito."

He looks unconcerned, but I knew better. My stomach feels sour. If Akito flew off the handle at their secret relationship, I couldn't even imagine what would happen if he got wind of me and Yuki. I look away from Haru's searching eyes.

"I have to get back to class."

"Yeah…you do that." He smirks and waves his hand nonchalantly, and heads off in the other direction. I watch him go.

The love I couldn't get, and the love he couldn't protect. While blaming our own powerlessness, we're watching pathetic illusions fade into nothing.

I walk back to class.

* * *

"Shigure," she calls, "has he said anything? The time is near. He has but a few weeks left." 

"Nothing," I say.

"Good. It seems as though he has given up. As I thought."

"I wouldn't say that," I murmur, half-expecting her not to hear me, but of course she catches it.

"Don't contradict me," Akito spits, "You know nothing!"

I stand up, and she looks surprised. "My apologies," I grin, and I turn and leave the room. I can hear her calling for me, but I ignore it.

There isn't anything I could, or even would do any more.

It isn't Kyo that's given up.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	31. 31

Disclaimer- I do not own Fruits Basket

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Saiyuki, too.

**Author's Note-** I sincerely apologize for my prolonged and inexcusable abscense. I'm still working to finish up all college business, and in the meantime am finishing my senior year. Please believe me when I say that I will never, ever let this story go unfinished. No matter what :)

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty One-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

We line up on the school grounds in perfect formation, sweating slightly in the May heat. As the valedictorian, I lead the neat rows of students.

"I hope it's not going to be this bloody hot during the real thing," I hear Uotani-san whisper somewhere in the back of me. I cannot help but privately agree.

"After you line up, Sohma will make his speech," the dean coaches from the side of us, walking up and down the rows of students with a clipboard. He pauses momentarily to switch two of the students. "After he is finished, we will call you forward one by one to hand you your diplomas, during which time you will certainly not be talking, Uotani!" he snarls, glaring at Uotani-san, who glares back with equal intensity but stops her discussion with Hanajima-san.

The students continue to shift uncomfortably under the glaring sun as we keep practicing for another hour. I am glad I don't actually have to make my speech during the practice; I'm getting very antsy in the blistering weather. The dean wants to continue practice, but is put off by the many rebellious looks and cheeky remarks coming from the student body in general.

"You have a week until you graduate, and we cannot afford mistakes!" His eyes bulge slightly and several people snicker. "But if you want to look like a blundering bunch of imbeciles on stage, that's fine with me! You're dismissed. And I expect everyone here tomorrow for practice, no exceptions!" But no one is listening as they hustle toward the cool sanctuary of the school buildings. I make my way over to Honda-san, but the dean's voice stops me.

"A word, Sohma." I walk back, slightly weary and a little irritated. I suspect it has something to do with my speech, but I hardly feel like reciting it for him.

"Yes-?" I start, but he cuts me off, eyes scanning his clipboard.

"Where is your cousin, Kyo? He didn't show up today," he flips a few papers over, "in fact, he hasn't shown up to a single practice! You live with him, correct?"

I narrow my eyes but nod politely.

"Then will you kindly tell him to report to practice, we don't need a single half-wit to mess up the entire ceremony!"

My eyebrows meet. "Am I my cousins' keeper?"

He looks up at me distractedly. "What was that?"

"I'm afraid to say," I say quietly, "that my cousin has far better things to do."

His mouth opens in shock at my remark, but I merely stalk off, fuming. Back in the building, Honda-san looks torn between curiosity and worry at my angry expression.

"Yuki-kun…are you…?"

I reassure her that everything is fine. I make the suggestion that we walk home together, and we say our goodbyes to Hanajima-san and Uotani-san. I am tempted to ask Honda-san where Kyo is, like how I would have before, but I know very well where he is.

* * *

"Is he going to allow him to attend his graduation ceremony?"

"I can't be sure. Akito likes to leave a little mystery. Makes him more intimidating." Shigure smiles and gives a humorless laugh, waving his hand carelessly.

"I see," I reply icily.

"You know," Ayame butts in with a swing of his long silver hair, "I hate to break up the light-hearted mood of this conversation, but aren't we…oh, I don't know…going to do something about it?!"

"You know as well as I that it's no use," I say with a note of finality in my voice. There is a silence, as I look at Shigure and can feel no hope in his demeanor.

"Hatori…" Aaya looks at me with pleading eyes, but I turn away. Suddenly, he bursts into speech.

"No, I will not stand for that answer!" I wheel around and face Ayame in surprise, who has his hands on his hips and a very stubborn expression. I open my mouth but don't say anything, taken aback. Usually my word was law with Ayame.

"I will not stand for it," he continues, "I cannot allow the only person my brother has ever loved to be locked away. It would tear him down!"

"Ayaa," Shigure interjects his monologue, "you're brother loves you very much."

"That's not the point, Shii-san!" he says bossily, "If he truly does love Kyonkichi then he would be destroyed if he got locked away!"

He breathes hard for a second, and then looks at me. I have never seen his eyes like this. I am wary, something I've never been of Ayame before.

"And as the chief motivator of this little group of misfits, what do you suggest?" Shigure says.

Ayame looks put out, but does not back down.

"That's for you to decide," he nearly sneers, but he is far too beautiful for that, "you are the one who has most sway over Akito. Goodness knows he hates me."

Shigure looks over at me a little helplessly, and Ayame watches the silent communication sharply, his eyes swiveling between us. Usually at this point he would round on me and demand that I back him up. Unexpectedly, he completely ignores me.

"Shigure," he growls, and his voice is so different that I stare in shock at the two of them, "don't play dumb. I will not let you sit back and watch as you always do. You need to act. And I'm going to see to it that you do."

Shigure's eyebrows are in danger of disappearing into his hair. I deem it prudent to interrupt, but as I open my mouth Ayame merely puts his hand up, his eyes still on Shigure. I fall silent as though struck dumb.

They both stare at each other with the intensity of dogs, Shigure leaning far back in his chair, Ayame leaning forward where he stands. No one moves, until finally-

"Speak." If I had not seen Ayame's lips move, I would not have believed it. But his eyebrows are contracted fiercely, a rare occurrence as Ayame did his best to avoid any type of wrinkling action. Shigure remains still a few more seconds, and then suddenly reverts to his customary relaxed demeanor, slouching lazily in his chair and joining the tips of his fingers.

"Whether good or ill will come of this venture," he smiles, "even God doesn't know."

* * *

As soon as we get home, I drop off my school things in my room and change, and then make a beeline for the roof. To my tremendous surprise, it is unoccupied. I turn on the spot, searching through my bird's eye view for any orange, but I find nothing. I slide down the ladder and leap from the balcony, catching a tree branch in my hand. I hang there for a moment to predict my landing and let go rather quickly. However, I land as quietly as a shadow and move quickly off in the direction on the forest.

He's lying on the ground with his arms behind his head, staring up at the darkening trees. I'm surprised he is waiting; he used to be so impatient. He hears my approaching footsteps and turns his head.

"Where the hell have you been?"

I sigh. So much for patient.

"At…graduation practice." I pause before saying the word graduation, but from the look in his eyes he caught my mistake. A slight crease forms between his eyebrows, and my stomach burns with guilt.

"I told them you had business elsewhere," I amended quickly, trying to gloss over the sticky moment.

He snorts. "Business elsewhere," he repeats. I sit down next to him and we stay there for a while, staring in different directions, lost in our own thoughts. After a few minutes of this I realize how strange it is. Sitting, relaxing with Kyo and not even fighting. It was completely calm. If I tried to picture us doing this before, I wouldn't have even been able to imagine it.

"About graduation," he breaks the silence, and I feel nervous, "how are we going to tell Tohru?"

I am taken aback at his use of the word 'we'. How much had the forever-independent Kyo change? How had I not noticed this until now?

"I think we should tell her beforehand," I say slowly, looking carefully for his reaction. It's clear, however. His sits up and stares at me in disbelief.

"What? You want her crying and moping around for a whole week? No way, no way! We should tell her a day ahead at most, or not at all…"

"That's too cruel. She will be really upset that you didn't tell her. She'd think that you didn't trusts her, or didn't think it would matter to her."

Kyo continues to look mutinous.

"I can tell her, if you'd want." I offer, but he shakes his head wildly.

"No. You can't tell her. And I wont. She'd be hysterical. She'd make me feel a hundred times worse, seeing her like that. I don't think I should tell her at all."

I want to argue for Honda-san's sake, but I cant help but privately agree with Kyo, so I don't say anything.

"But can you do me a favor?" he asks, "After it happens, could you tell her for me?"

"Yeah," I say, "Yeah, of course."

"…Thanks."

Silence for a moment.

"Hey, Yuki."

I look at him.

"Will you visit me?"

My jaw clenches, along with my stomach. I can feel pressure building behind my eyes, but I will it away. I can't be weak in front of Kyo. I have to be strong for him. I don't want him to feel a hundred times worse.

I nod stiffly, not trusting myself to speak.

"I…" he begins to speak, but stops. He looks pained.

"What is it?"

"No," he closes his eyes and shakes his head slowly, "it doesn't matter. Just a bridge I gotta cross when I get to it."

"Alright," I say slowly, "I trust you."

We sit there, propped up on our arms for a few more seconds. He looks away, and then back at me, and the moment his eyes lock with mine, my hair stands on end and my throat tightens. Just like that, a tension I knew we could both feel (by the nervous look on his face) had erupted between us, for no reason at all. My body tingles and I feel queasy, as we slowly move closer to one another.

Our mouths meet and I feel lost in this kiss, like it will be the last kiss we'll ever share. I feel fear go off inside of me and I grab the back of his neck, tilting my head, trying to get as close to him as possible. Trying to fuse with him, to forget that I am just me for a while.

* * *

Two nights from graduation, and I find myself in the kitchen helping Tohru clean up. Who would've thought? I had always left her to it because I was too lazy and I convinced myself that she liked doing this stuff, which for the most part is true. But for the past two weeks I have not stopped moving. I can't sit still at any time of the day, because doing nothing had changed into torture. I wont ever be able to do this again. I wont ever wash dishes, or help make a meal, or even speak to a friend. I've taken so much for granted.

"Thank you so much for helping me, Kyo-kun" Tohru shakes me out of my reverie. I nod, unsure of what to say to her. It will be one of the last conversations we hold.

For a while, only the sound of running water and clinking dishes can be heard.

"What do you think hurts more?" She asks suddenly, and I look over at her to see her drying a plate and looking slightly sad, "Leaving behind or getting left behind?"

I say nothing for a few minutes, trying to swallow the lump in my throat and trying to read her.

"Well," I say, "I guess it's about the same, but people just always think they have it worse."

She covers my soapy wet hand with hers for a moment, before smiling the saddest smile I have ever seen.

* * *

The night is cold, but the frigid air brings warms gusts from the west. The wind skates across the water, rippling and distorting it. The slimmest sliver of the moon is faintly visible in the inky black sky. A lone star sits between the crescent moon's two points, like a child between outstretched arms.

I can feel his large hand holding onto the back of my skull, like he's trying to prevent me from running away. I have a million things to say to him, but every time I take a breath my throat closes up and I can't make a sound. It's painful and I can't stand it.

"I don't want you to go," I say in one breath, all of it rushing out. My darting eyes jump to his face, to stare into those smoldering eyes. Like red moons in a starless night. He smiles valiantly, but I can feel his hand shake. He swallows hard.

"It's gonna be okay, in the end." He says. I know he doesn't believe it. Lies or truthfulness, we'd be faced with pain either way. We had to pick our poison. And Kyo had picked his. Maybe I should pick the same.

But the meaningless blur of words run like ink on wet paper, dissolving in incoherence as Kyo's sudden kiss takes prevalence over everything else, his lips scorching my own with feverish passion, mouthing wordless desire.

I love how he knows just what to do to smash my resolve like a hammer against a stained-glass window.

It's late; the house is dark and quiet. We make our way breathlessly upstairs; I am strongly reminded of that night, a long time ago, when we vehemently dragged each other upstairs the first time. Into his room, unusual because we generally ended up in my own. Maybe he wanted to sleep in it for the last time.

He drags his fingers through my hair, placing open-mouthed kisses down my neck tenderly, his hands descending down the sides of my face to my shoulders and down my arms until they reached the hem of my pants.

It is this act serving only to bind us closer together each time until the flame of Kyo's spirit was a bright spark of warmth illuminating that shriveled organ that I called a heart, opening me slowly to life again in the wash of deceiving emotion.

There's no distance between us now. No walls. Fire spills unchecked through me, hot and wild, pouring into the man in my arms. Feelings clash while our hearts mix. I can feel your pain. I can feel your anger. I can feel your fear. I can feel you. A tear drops down. You lick it away. Who's tear? Is it mine? Touching, sucking, licking, I can feel you. Do you feel me?

The light of the moon disappears. We are alone now. We share these sinful moments together. I want to know the answers, to unlock your doors, to explore you. I'm getting there. I can feel it. I can feel you.

* * *

The mess of silver hair shines dully in the moonlight. I touch the soft strands gently, as the contentment that stole me seeps away. Steady, quiet breathing tells me he has finally succumbed to sleep. I stare at his closed eyes, and gently touch his face. And I want to tell him so bad…but I can't. I'm weak. I'm a coward. _I love you._

I lay in silence, eyes sliding closed against the truth. Not wanting to see the stars. Aching from the aftermath of a glory that could never be mine, a link that is forever beyond my reach.

I slip quietly into sleep, curling protectively around him.

_He has dreamed this dream..._

_Hiding, he pulls imagined patterns of darkness after his..._

_As he slips through the night, his thoughts unfold in him..._

_In his bleak unpeopled landscape, he dreams of his pale hands, the beauty of his tapering fingers..._

_There is humming in his ears, an expectation of pleasure..._

_A sense of peace fills his moment. a lightness he has not known..._

_He remembers the dexterity of his hands, the swiftness of their movements..._

_The hands of miracle..._

_He listens to the silence, separating the silence of solitude from the silence of shared expectation..._

_An eerie dark emptiness reigns..._

_The hands of deception..._

_He moves quickly, swifter than water..._

_Echoey voices pursue him..._

_There is no visible sign of life. All that moves, moves in darkness..._

_Looking for him..._

_His grip is powerful..._

_A pulse of fear beats quietly in them both..._

_He cannot breathe..._

_He struggles to contain his thoughts..._

_A flicker of light discovers his face..._

_He whispers quietly that he hates him. But he already knows._

_He kicks out, twisting his body in an effort to escape..._

_Remnants of his soul remain intwined in his..._

_He cannot breathe..._

_His memory is clouded..._

_His breath is warm on his neck..._

_He slips away._

_In the milky light he listens for a presence he knows he will never find again..._

_The landscape is vast and cold and lonely._

* * *

"On behalf of our student body, we thank you for coming tonight!" the principle's last statement of the night is drowned out by the roar of the graduates, still cheering and throwing their hats in the air. Their reactions are at complete odds of what I'm feeling. Graduation means nothing. It was just a symbol of the end. I see the familiar expensive looking suit and give a deadened half-smile. So they couldn't even wait for me to say good-bye.

…It's better this way.

I turn away from the huddled mass of classmates, all screaming and crying with joy. This was it. This was the end of their old life, the lives of dependant children, and the beginning of a new one, a life of their very own, by themselves, on their own.

I have a new place I must go to, also.

I discreetly follow Hatori to the car, and get in.

* * *

I'm shaking hands with all the faculty of our school, along with the other students, all shouting and smiles and gladness, glad to be finally free.

But my own smiles and words I cannot account for. I'm too distracted, turning my head this way and that, looking for orange, trying to stare past the swarms of people. And I don't see him, I can't find-!

I run into the school building, sure he isn't here. He was just here a moment ago, I could have sworn-

I stop my fast walk, and put my face in my hands. He isn't here. If he was here I would have seen him by now.

_They've already taken him._

My hands clench.

_No._

_I'm not going to let that happen._

I'm about to break into a run, when I hear someone behind me. Tohru is running towards me, a look of panic on her face.

"Yuki-kun! Yuki-kun! Where is Kyo-kun?!" Her voice rises into notes of hysteria. She runs, faster then I have ever seen her move, until she nearly collides with me. She grasps the front of my clothing tightly, her face pleading as she searches my eyes.

"Honda-san, I…I…" How does she know something's wrong? Could she read my face? No…she already knows. I don't know how, but she knows.

"Yuki-kun!"

I don't want to lie to her, but I can't bring myself to tell her what I think. Before I can pull myself together long enough to spill the secret, she shouts out,

"Is he there? The main house? Is Akito-san locking him away?!" tears ooze down her cheeks, her arms shaking with grief. My throat constricts and I nod.

She doesn't do anything for a moment, and I think that she's about to faint. She tries obviously to pull on a strong countenance, but fails miserably as her face screws up and she bows her head. Before any cries can escape her lips, I make a split-second decision and grab her hand, pulling her along the corridor and out onto the school grounds, still crowded with many graduates and their parents, all talking to each other and taking pictures. We run hand in hand, ignoring people calling our names, right out of the school and onto the road, heading north.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty One-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	32. 32

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Saiyuki, too.

**Author's Note-** It's almost time for college. Almost time. I'm excited. Finally free!! Sweet, sweet freedom!! This story is almost over. There will be two more chapters. It's bittersweet, but let's not think about it. ;)

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty Two-Begin**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

I'm running as fast as I can, but somehow Honda-san is keeping up with me. We round a corner and cut through someone's yard, but she makes no protest at the trespassing.

My mind is flooded with panic.

_Kyo…don't move…stay where you are…I'm coming!_

Bile rises in my throat and sickness threatens to overwhelm me. I concentrate on moving faster, my heart thundering a fast tattoo.

Colors and shapes fly past me until we make it to the tall outer wall of the main house. I take Tohru further down to the secret opening in the wall, and we both hurriedly clamber through it.

Running past houses and people, we swivel our heads, frantically searching. The familiar drowning feeling comes to me and I grab my throat, feeling my bronchial tubes start to close up. Anxiety and panic continue to pulsate in my head, my throat tightening and my lungs shriveling. It takes every last ounce of my willpower to force myself to breath.

"Yuki-kun-!" Honda-san gasps and grasps my wrist as we finally come upon him. We stop, panting, as he and the two people he's with turn around to face us.

"Kyo-kun!" Honda-san whimpers, breaking into sobs and going to him. I don't move.

I know I shouldn't be surprised that the two of them ran after me, but when you want something really bad and it happens, it's always comes as a surprise. I see Shigure and Hatori glance at each other, but they look away just as quickly.

Tohru rushes up to me and I grasp her hands as she says my name again, crying harder and harder.

"Kyo-kun, where are you going?! Why are you here?!" She asks hysterically, even though it's clear that she somehow knows. Someone must have told her, or maybe she had figured it out. I wouldn't be surprised, it was probably obvious. When I don't answer her she lets out a soft sob.

"You c-can't go, you just can't! I won't ever be h-happy again!" Tohru cries, gripping my fingers tightly and shaking her head wildly, her tears splattering the ground.

"Tohru…" I start to say, but she cuts me short.

"_No!"_ She shrieks, squeezing her eyes shut. She trembles for a few seconds, and looks back up at me.

"Please…" She says quietly, more tears welling up in those anguished eyes, "I'm begging you…please don't go...please don't leave me…."

The sound of her voice breaks my heart.

"Stay with me," she squeezes my fingers again, a look of panic coming into her eyes, "…please?"

I clench my jaw but force myself to stare still into her eyes.

"Kyo-kun?" And the sound of her voice calling my name so softly and desperately makes my eyes and throat burn ferociously, but I hold back my emotions the best I can.

"I can't," The two words sound cold and harsh, and her eyes dart back and forth between my own. Her lip trembles.

"I can't make you any promises." I try to find something else, something important to say, but I can't think of anything except the terrible feeling of despair crawling in me.

But with that, Tohru visibly tries to get herself under control, and still shuddering, she leans in closer to me.

"Kyo-kun, I can still promise. I can p-promise anything you want." She watches me with saddened expectation. I almost smile. Tohru never did let me down.

"Then promise me," I lean down to whisper in her ear, "That no matter what happens, to be happy. I won't survive in there if I know you're miserable. That's all I want. Please, promise me you'll be happy."

For a few seconds she is silent.

"Of course I can do that for you, Kyo-kun." She says. She swallows hard, glances down, and then back up. Her expression turns into fiery determination. "But I also promise that no matter what, I will try my hardest to get you out." Her voice breaks, but she keeps going, more tears seeping from under her closed lids. Then she whispers, "I'll be waiting for you…I love you."

I gently grasp her head with my hands and kiss her tenderly on the forehead. "I love you, too. Thank you for everything you've done. You've helped me so much, and in so many different ways, you couldn't possibly know. You've saved me so many times. I owe you so much. Please…be happy, for me."

Tohru covers her mouth with her hands and nods, tears still streaming down her cheeks unchecked. She backs away slowly.

"Kyo," I realize the others are still here. I look at Shigure, who moves towards me in almost a tentative manner. He wants to say something. Looking at him is so hard. I don't know if I can stand it. But I have to.

"I don't know when we'll see each other again," he says seriously, "But I know that we will, and that's the most important thing."

He pauses, maybe trying to think of something witty, but he doesn't make any jokes.

"You brought a lot of anger and destruction into my house, Kyo-kun. But, you brought light and joy to it too."

I listened guardedly. By his tone I knew he was speaking to all of us.

"We all came from broken homes; any one can bear witness to that. Your lives previous to living in that house were unpleasant, to say the least. But…that house was different.

"When you all first came to live with me, whether being forced to or by accident, it was rocky for a while. I know it can't have seemed good. Any real family was gone forever, one way or another. But soon enough, even though it seemed the majority of us couldn't get along, it started to fit together a little easier. We all have tremendously different personalities, but when we all got together, it seemed like family.

"Each one of you is precious to me, and to each other. That house is full of so many good memories. In no time, it wasn't just a house any more. It became home. It became something each one of us was looking for.

"I know you're not part of the Sohma family," he says, smiling gently, "but you are a part of mine."

His words touch me so much that I have to swallow hard to keep my throat open. He opens his arms and we hug.

"Thanks for taking care of me," I murmur. He squeezes me tightly for a moment, and then lets go. He has that sad, knowing expression on his face that I've rarely ever seen there.

And the thing that I've dreaded most, besides the thoughts of being locked away, is upon me. I have to say goodbye to him. I have to say goodbye to Yuki. I have to say goodbye to the person I love most in this world.

I turn around, slowly. He's standing there, with the most painful expression I have ever seen on him. Again his beauty strikes me. His stature, his silver hair, his sad, wise eyes, the color of the morning mist.

Then suddenly I'm afraid. Fear like I've never known before, not in all the nights of lying in bed, dreading my fate hits me. I'm afraid that I'll never see him again.

We don't move. I know we're both screaming in our heads.

What can I say?

What can I possibly say to him now?

What was there left to say?

And then I knew.

There was only one thing that was never said.

I walk towards him, and he watches me almost reluctantly. He's afraid too. I can smell his fear.

He opens his mouth, but any words he had die in his throat when I pull him into a tight embrace. One arm is around his waist, the other grasping the back of his skull, my fingers weaving through his soft hair, drawing him as close to me as possible. Wanting to be one. Wishing to be one forever.

And, uncaring of anything and everything around me, I finally say the words, the words that have been in my head, aching to escape for so long. They come out strong and fierce.

"I love you," I say. He stiffens under me. "_I really fucking love you_."

I let go of him, turn around, and walk away. Every step I take feels as though I am already miles away from him.

I can't look back. I can't go back.

It's over. It's done.

It's finished.

No.

I turn and look, one last time.

The day is cold for May. A cool breeze lifts my hair and sends the blossoms from the cherry tree spiraling down to earth. Yuki is standing there, in front of Shigure and Tohru. It strikes me that I have never seen him like this before, his fists clenched and shaking, holding in sobs. He looks me in the eye, and for the first time I can see his feelings written clearly upon his face. He grimaces and chokes as tears slide down his cheeks. And regret wells up in me, regret that it took me being locked away to finally see every side of Yuki, to be able to lower all the walls and stare at him completely unmasked.

But it's too late now.

I can't look back.

I convey every feeling, every thought and every particle of myself into the last few seconds of that stare. _I have to go now, Yuki. I'm sorry it ended up this way. I love you, always._

It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but somehow I manage to turn around, and start walking away again. I close my eyes as I think that at least Yuki will be okay. He has his whole life ahead of him. I can't hold on. I have to set him free.

_One day, you'll let go of my hand. _

_When you finally look to the far, far sky, _

_I'll kick you from behind_

_And laugh at you to hurry._

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

**Ashes-Chapter Thirty Two-End**

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	33. 33

**Disclaimer-** Don't own it. I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Saiyuki, too.

**Author's Note-** I personally like this chapter a lot. I enjoyed writing it a lot, I think it's one of my best. There will be one more chapter after this. Please wait patiently for the conclusion of Ashes. Enjoy :)

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Ashes**-Chapter Thirty Three-**Begin

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

_Even if this was deep. Even if this was really, really deep in the earth. The sun's not what I'd wish for._

**13 Months Later**

* * *

It's dark, about 3 or 4 in the morning. Having no clock to tell me the time, I've been using the sun or the moon. Once you get used to it, you find that the sky is more accurate than any watch.

Being in a cage, you have a lot of time to think. Actually, it's not technically a cage. Only one side, the north side, has iron bars running along it like a real cage. The rest of it could pass as a room. There are no windows in the other walls. Against the wall there's a bed, more like a cot, with a few thin blankets. A small shabby dresser holds the few clothes I own, and stands next to the bed. On the opposite wall there is a small, cramped shower, furnished with a single bar of soap. The toilet is right next to it.

The servants in the main house bring me food. Three times a day they slip it through the small latched opening at the base of the only door, and I leave the dish next to it so they can take it back in the hour I'm allotted to eat. The only time that same door has ever been opened is when Akito feels the need to make a more personal visit. Or, when Hatori needs to fix me up after those visits.

What few belongings I own are hidden under my bed, as I'm not supposed to have anything with me. All I have are a few books that Hatori managed to sneak me, and my memories.

It's dark in here, even in the daytime. There is no electricity or lighting. I rise with the sun and sleep with it.

I'm still not used to having nothing to do. I was bored within the hour of arriving here. Within two weeks I was sure that I had gone insane. I was sure that I had been forgotten. But then, a month into my imprisonment, who should appear in front of those bars but Kagura. I was so relieved to see someone that I fell against those metal poles and stuck my arms through them, pulling her against the bars in a tight embrace. We stayed there for a long time, Kagura crying and saying how much she missed me. Finally I pulled away, staring into her swollen face.

"Kagura…Kagura. How is everyone? What are they doing? Are they alright?"

"To hell with them!" She sobbed, "We're all worried to death about _you_!"

"Shh…" I said, pushing her hair out of her wet face, "I have to know. How's Tohru? How's Yuki-"

But we were interrupted by a terrible scream. Akito had found her. The next two minutes were a whirlwind of a livid Akito spitting obscenities and Kagura being literally dragged away by the maids.

The next afternoon Akito came inside the cage to visit. I had braced myself for a beating I felt for sure would come, but by the gloating look on his face, I knew he wasn't going to hit me. He was only there to warn me what would happen if someone else came to visit me. It was then that I caught sight of his hands. The knuckles were swollen and purple, with day-old scrapes running along their lengths. I looked back up into his eyes, my mouth twisting into a snarl.

"You piece of shit," I growled. My anger and hatred bursted out of me, and I attacked him. Up until then I hadn't realized how a single month of confinement had weakened me. I had been recently exercising during the evening, when it was cooler, for many hours at a time. But I was weaker than before. The many days of lying in my cot, too depressed to move had caught up to me. I got him to the ground and drew back my fist, but his bony wrist twisted out of my grasp. The flat of his hand met my chin and my head snapped back unexpectedly. Pain exploded from my ribs, and I was vaguely aware of both Akito getting out from under me, and crimson blood soaking through my shirt.

Akito stood up, raking back his hair with his fingers. I brought my own to the slash made in my shirt, warm blood wetting my fingertips. I stared at it.

"You stabbed me." I stated. I couldn't believe it. He had actually stabbed me. I was in such a state of shock that I completely ignored him as he walked over to me and stared down at me. He merely smiled and gently petted my head.

"I hope you will respect my rules now. They are simple rules, and they are all that I ask." He paused, then, "I also hope you realize that unapproved visitations are unacceptable by anyone, even those who aren't in this family." I narrowed my eyes. He meant Tohru. "It will be worse if it happens again. I've no mercy for those who disobey me."

After he left, Hatori came in with his case of medical supplies. At first I wouldn't let him treat me, but for an hour he insisted and I finally let him stitch up the wound. I got a clear look at it, about half an inch deep and three inches long. Akito hadn't really stabbed me, more like slashed at me. If the blade had been angled differently, he could have seriously hurt me.

After that I fell into a state of unending listlessness and lethargy. I barely moved. I just couldn't get up. I was constantly weak and dizzy. I began to pick at the already small portions of food the maids brought me, and soon after I stopped eating altogether.

After the 6th day of not eating anything, again someone showed up in front of those bars. My mouth fell open and my chest burned. Despite being so severely dehydrated and hungry, I fell towards the bars.

"Shishou?"

Even Shishou, who was impassive in all situations, had emotion showing on his face.

"Kyo," he said, and reached through the bars to touch me.

"Just where the hell have you been?" I tried to scream, but my voice only wheezed out a pathetic accusation.

"Please, Kyo. I know you're angry, but we have only a little time here before I must go." He said, touching the bars lightly and wearing that kind, fatherly expression that he saves only for me.

"Why didn't you come?" I breathed, sliding down on my knees. I knew what I was saying didn't make any sense, but fatigue had taken over my mind. Shishou looked concerned, and then his face hardened.

"Kagura told me what you asked her, so I'm going to answer that question. Everyone is fine. They worry for you." His eyes raked my face.

"Tell them…to stay away," I panted, "I don't want them to get hurt….promise me?"

He smiled sadly. "Tohru-kun was quite distraught," he said, as I winced at the mention of her pain. "Even though she didn't show it. She kept trying to get to you. Yuki-kun caught her many times trying to sneak out to go to you."

I had a fleeting vision of Yuki guarding over Tohru, but at the same time, I felt slightly abandoned by him. The ache that I always associate with him swelled inside of me. But as I had been doing since I got here, I completely and automatically cut that line of thought. I didn't allow myself to think of him. I opened my mouth, but Shishou started talking.

"No. Now it's your turn to listen. If there is one message I want you to get, it's that you _cannot give up_. Not now. Not later."

I stared up at him, trying to hear his faraway words.

"Do you hear me, Kyo? Things now are being set in motion that cannot be undone. But it will all be for nothing if you give up and die. We are all trying to help you, but you have to help yourself first. Do you understand? Don't give up…"

When I woke up in the morning, I found myself on the ground next to those bars. I barely remembered Shishou being there, and I had a suspicion that I had dreamed the whole thing.

A year passed since then.

I had given up on anyone coming to visit me again. I knew it was impossible. Hatori had told me that Kagura had to be hospitalized for two weeks. Akito had been brutal. My guilt burned inside of me when I thought of it, and I was glad no one had come to see me again.

I thought again and again of what I remember Shishou saying. I realized that dream or not, the message was still the same. I had to heed it.

Even in my loneliest of times, I still refused to think of Yuki. I couldn't even say his name in my head. I missed him so much that the pain that came from remembering him soon subsided into a dull roar that was continuous night and day. Only I didn't know that it was the pain of forgetting him. The only time I saw his face clearly was that thin line between sleeping and waking, between late night and early morning. I would dream of him, and when I woke I would blearily wonder if he was thinking of me, or what he would say. I tried to imagine him encouraging me, but I realized that this only caused me more pain than good. I tried my best to never think about him.

I only cried once. Only once, in a rage, fed up with everything. I slammed myself against the bars and clawed at them, screaming my despair to the sky, when I knew Akito wouldn't be able to hear me. When the very last scrap of my energy was spent, I collapsed on the ground in a heap, until my sobbing subsided and I became silent.

Akito's visits were unbearable. The first few weeks I couldn't help but listen to those evil words, and after he left I would ball my hands and sink my teeth into my knuckles, my breath coming in great bursts until the blood ran between the tendons of my hand.

But as of late, his visitations are growing fewer and farther between. He doesn't stay as long either, only long enough only to spit bitter words at me, to tell me of the world I'm missing. And each time I see him he appears sicker. Paler somehow, thinner. The last few times he came Hatori was with him. For some reason, it bothers me.

My eyes flick upward, and I raise myself into a sitting position on my bed. To my unpleasant surprise, I can see Akito, unaccompanied, ambling towards me, that slow, sickly walk unmistakable. I watch as he gradually makes his way over to me. His hair shadows his face, and all I can hear is the sound of his footsteps growing louder and louder in the quiet night.

He finally makes it, but instead of barking his orders for me to approach him, he merely grasps the bars of the cage and slides down into a crouching position. Confusion fills me, and after a few seconds I get up, wearily making my way over to him. I can hear the ragged breaths issuing from his bowed head, the intricate kimono draping over his sharp bones.

"Akito…what are you doing?"

Silence for a minute, then, "Kyo…" his voice is as haunting as ever. I crouch down on the balls of my feet. I regard him with no anger. It's too early in the morning to get worked up.

"Why are you here by yourself? Where's Hat-?"

Akito starts laughing. "Is it the cats business what I do? Is it the cats concern?" his outburst does not surprise me at all.

"You cannot say whatever comes into your head…and assume you will be forgiven." He whispers. I continue to gaze impassionedly at him. He extends his bony fingers and touches my cheek. I don't shirk away. I look him strait in the eye.

He can't do anything to me anymore. I don't show him respect or disrespect. Like he is a thing.

"You're eyes," he says suddenly, "Why are they still…burning?" I blink, and suddenly I feel a dull ache in my chest. Why…?

A flash of gray, a wisp of silver.

But it's gone. I push it away.

Akito's eyes narrow and his mouth parts. The shadows under his eyes make him look like a corpse. Suddenly the soft fingers grazing my cheek turn savage, digging into the skin. I still don't move, almost enjoying the pain.

"Do you know what happens to a plant that grows under a stone?" his teeth chatter as he speaks. He grips my face harder and I wince. "It grows twisted, and yellow, and deformed." He smiles now. I want to rip free of his hand and go to my cot like I always do, but I can't move. This is different. There's something else here. My heart flutters.

"You too, Kyo. You're warped and malformed and you'll die off, sooner or later, because no one cares about a weak, undeserving seedling struggling for life."

I still gaze at him.

"So why is it that you still look at me with those eyes!?" I feel warm liquid congregate where his nails dig into my skin.

Why? Why, why…

The image of an awkward smile, closed eyes.

"_No!_" Akito screams, and I grasp his wrist tightly but he holds my face steadfast. "You have nothing! There is no one waiting for you, and even if there was…do you think I'd let you go?! Well, I won't! You are _mine_! Every living thing is God's personal plaything!"

He ducks his head and catches his breath, swallowing.

"Why…do you still hang on?" He stops speaking but keeps looking at me, panting, his breathing harsh and violent in my ears. His eyes tell me that the question is not rhetorical. I lick my parched lips. He needs an answer. Those lightless eyes are begging me to tell him.

"I'm not waiting." I've finally said it. And I know it's true. "I know I'm not going to be saved. I know I'm going to be left behind."

"Then, why…?" Akito pleads. I cast my eyes downward.

"It's not for me." I whisper.

His eyes widen and he looks like he is going to be sick. "Then, who…?" he rasps, his lips trembling and his horrid eyes widen until he looks mad.

I bring my eyes back to his. Those bottomless black pits seem to be popping out of their sockets. Then something flashes through those eyes. Is it realization…?

"I don't understand," Akito's voice breaks, and what seems like crazed tears spill out of his eyes, his fingers contracting again, "you're nothing but a _monster_!"

"Maybe…I was." I say. I'm not afraid of him anymore. I lean down farther until our faces are less than an inch away. He sucks in a shaky breath and holds it, watching me like a snake about to strike.

"Akito…" Silence. Then, "Won't you let me out of here?"

He stares at me for the longest time, almost as if he has lost consciousness. Then that horribly familiar glint flashes in his eyes and he seizes my head and rams my face into the bars of the cage. My teeth slice through the bottom of my lip and I taste blood flooding into my mouth as I recoil to the floor.

"If you're so intent on living for someone, you can do it here!" he screams. I can hear muffled voices and feet pounding in our direction.

"But you-," he stammers, "You don't care, do you? _Do you_?!"

I hear Hatori calling Akito's name and the somewhat familiar voices of Akito's personal maids, but I don't care. I have to go to him. I crawl back towards the bars and entwine my arms around them. Akito is still in the same position, and he holds his fingers in front of his face, staring at where my blood has stained them. He licks one of them, almost pathetically.

"I can still…" he murmurs, "still…" he drops his eyes, "still keep you. You…will always be mine." He looks frightened and looks back up at me. "Mine, aren't you?"

Neither of us looks up as Hatori finally gets to us, slowly approaching Akito. "Akito," he says quietly, "what are you doing out here? You're going to get sick if you don't come back inside."

He gently grips Akito's upper arm and Akito stands, turning in the direction of his personal quarters. He makes a few unsure steps away from me, before he looks back and sees me, still crouching; my arms snaked around the bars.

Suddenly he rips his arm out of Hatori's grasp. Hatori moves towards him.

"Akito-"

"_Leave it_!" Akito snarls, and Hatori stops dead. I stand up, and he again goes to me. He looks up at me, and I down at him. He seems so small and childish.

"Kyo, you cannot escape the weight of your crimes." He says, as though trying to get the conversation back on his plane of understanding.

"I've committed no crimes."

His hands curl viciously around the bars. "Yes you have, _cat_. You think you are still human, but you are not like them…you can never be like them. You have a fate that you cannot change."

I smile.

"I already have."

Like a thin branch, he doubles over, wavering. Hatori rushes over, placing a hand on his back. "You have to go inside." Akito doesn't move, his arms shaking violently. He slowly lets himself be steered away.

Again after a few steps he stops and looks back at me. "You'd forgive me, wouldn't you?"

Hatori freezes and looks at me sharply. I feel my jaw drop slightly.

"_Wouldn't you_?!" he sounds infuriated and overwhelmed at the same time. But I don't have an answer. Akito's knees bend and several maids rush to him, before he is led away. I stare into the foggy gray sky. There is still no light, only the dim stars. I unglue my hands from the bars, and they feel stiff from gripping them so hard. I watch nothing until the tiniest hint of light is visible. I turn away slowly to go back to bed. Distant birds rush over me, twittering. I sleep.

"No…I don't suppose I would."

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

Ashes**-Chapter Thirty Three-**End

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


	34. 34

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Fruits Basket. I will use random quotes from the manga. Took a little from Saiyuki, too.

**Author's Note-** This is the concluding chapter to this story. I posted the first chapter over three years ago. I like that I can see how my writing reflects who I was and how I've changed from the first chapter to this one. In this past year especially, I have experienced great change and progression in my life. This last chapter is my parting gift to you, I thank you truly for reading my story and sticking with it (I know this last chapter was sinfully late!). I hope that it will encourage and inspire writers for a long time to come.

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

Ashes**-Chapter Thirty Four-**Begin

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_

I don't know what wakes me. One minute I'm sleeping, and the next, my eyes snap open as if of their own accord. I lie there on my side, blearily staring out of those thick vertical bars into the night sky as the sound of chirruping crickets fills my ears. A chill wind touches the back of my neck and I shrug my blanket further up my shoulders. The stars are dimmer than usual, and I guess from the smell of the air that it's the early morning. I start to close my heavy eyes to go back to sleep when I notice something. There's someone on the outside of the cage.

I blink, rubbing the grogginess away from my eyes and leaving my sleep behind. Someone is sitting against the bars, their back to me. My first fear is that Akito is watching me sleep, and I prop myself on my arms silently and squint through the darkness.

It isn't Akito. There is no inky black hair, only the moonlight reflecting off their head. The head is bright. Moon-bright.

I freeze.

"Are you awake?"

All the breath in my body rushes out of me at the sound of that voice.

It can't.

It can't be him.

It can't.

"…Yuki?"

The whispered name sounds foreign and wrong in my ears. I have tried my best to not even think the name in over a year, trying everything I could to forget anything to do with him. He turns his head over his shoulder to look at me.

My blood turns to ice. All the feelings and emotions I had stifled for so long crash down on me mercilessly. My throat closes up and pressure erupts behind my eyes.

_This can't be real._

I close my eyes tightly, but the worst thing of all is I have no idea what will happen when I reopen them and am forced to look him in the face.

Getting up from my bed, I step slowly towards him. He doesn't move, head slightly bowed.

I stop short of those cold metal bars and just stare at the back of him.

"Is this a dream?" I ask hoarsely.

"No." He pauses for a second, then, "You're free. I'm here to let you out."

I don't say anything for a few seconds. The words don't have any affect on me. There's something about them that my brain can't comprehend. And it takes me repeating them in my head several times before I realize what Yuki's just said, as I was still so taken aback by his appearance here in the first place.

"What…? Akito said…I'm…done? That's it?" I finally grasp the icy metal in between us. The bitter taste of disappointment settles on my tongue. This definitely isn't real. I have to be dreaming.

"Kyo." I blink. I'd forgotten the way he says my name, with so much intensity and meaning. I'm still staring at the glinting head as though I'll never, ever see him again, because I'm sure I won't. But at the same time, there is a nagging in the back of my mind. Something that says I won't be able to go back from here. Something in his voice, telling me that something's not right.

I hesitate, then, "What?"

"Akito's dead."

A prickling sick feeling seems to thud painfully in my veins, my head suddenly feeling airy and light. This whole…thing…did not make sense. My thoughts run amuck with the hurried effort of putting pieces together, trying to put myself back into the here and now and into consciousness again. My knees buckle and slam into the ground. Cold wetness runs down my face. I raise my shaking hand to my eyes. "…huh?"

"I cried too. Everyone did." I turn my eyes back at Yuki, the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing I can and have been hanging on to.

"How?" I force out.

"I don't know." He shakes his head slightly.

"When?"

"A few hours ago."

I stare at Yuki in horror. That's impossible, I had just seen him yesterday!

"I…I can't believe it…"

"It's true," he says, with such cold finality that I don't doubt it anymore. Then he gets up, pushing himself off his knee with that oh-_so_-familiar gracefulness.

Those eyes. Those same eyes that I had stared into a thousand times before but now it was that much more important. Those piercing gray eyes that seemed to stare at my very self, that saw past everything.

"…_Yuki_…"

* * *

His hair has grown long and shaggy, and it covers his eyes. He continually pulls it back, raking the strands with his fingernails.

"I can't cut it, Akito wouldn't let me," he says absentmindedly, noticing my eyes following his hands. It was clearly a reminder to Kyo of how long he's been here.

"How is Tohru?" He asks, his voice suddenly sharp. "How is she?"

"She moved out a few months after you left. With all the trouble this family put her through, I'm surprised it took her so long, but she tried as long as she could until she realized it was for naught."

"What was?"

"That she could fix us." I look into his eyes and pause, looking for the right words. "After you went, it…everything fell apart. Nobody really believed that Akito would go through with it, and when he did it proved that we really were just cursed people and if _you_ couldn't escape the fate that Akito and the curse forced upon us, none of us could.

"We lost hope, all of us. It…" I swallow hard, forcing my swollen throat to open, "it was the worst feeling. I had found something I wanted to protect. When I lost it, I realized how worthless I was, and that my hands were full just taking care of myself."

I divert my eyes away from him, ashamed that my true feelings were flowing freely. But I couldn't stop now, now that I was finally, _finally_ seeing him, my love, the only person I have ever truly loved as they deserved. My feelings rush out of me in the form of words.

"I felt as though I betrayed you. I know that we couldn't see you, especially not after what happened to Kagura and even though I could have probably done it, I wasn't putting Tohru at any risk, and the risk was too great."

I touch my closed eyes with the tips of my fingers with a light pressure, my guilt haunting me even now, when it did not matter. But it did.

"Even if I did come, would it only be because I felt responsible? Would I try and compensate for my guilty feelings, like I'm doing right now?"

My fingers contract and I grimace, the guilt far too heavy now, too long and too much. Then he says my name, softly but surely. I look back up at him, into his eyes, his eyes like red moons in the starless night.

"I understand." I raise my eyebrows at his words, and my jaw trembles. "I've had more then enough time to think about everything. At first I…I was angry, with you and with everyone else. I resented you for not coming to see me, I even doubted you. After months of anger and not being well I gave it a lot of thought and realized that if you had come to see me, it would have been out of your own selfishness. That you restrained yourself, however hard it must have been, showed that your…that your love is real."

I loved how he knew just what to do to shatter my resolve like a hammer against a stained-glass window.

After a minute where I cannot find my voice, I ask very in a very small voice, "You know that I love you, so, so much, don't you?"

"Yes." He says. "I love you, too."

* * *

Yuki disappears from the outside of the cage and in a few moments I can hear the lock of the only door being penetrated and it swings open on creaky hinges. I see him waiting for me.

"Come on, Kyo."

As I take my first steps out my prison, I begin to shake.

_Please, please let this be real…_

Yuki explains to me that the entire family is waiting for me in Akito's quarters, all of them having been gathered in the event of his death. I stop walking.

I am adamant, all my previous anger and bitterness welling up within me until it is as large and ferocious as some unimaginable beast. I refuse to go into the room where I know the rest of the family is waiting for me, but Yuki doesn't press me. While he goes inside to relay my message that they can all go to hell (although I'm sure he'll use different terminology), I turn on my heel and run away, out of the gates of the main house and into the streets. A feeling as if I am going to burst envelops me as the twilight stars and sky wheels above me, the clouds gaining a gold-orange tint as the first day of my freedom begins. A wild happiness courses through me, along with a fear that this is all a dream and I am going to be locked away again. That fear drives my legs faster and faster, and they tire far quicker than ever before, but I keep running, feeling as though freedom is right ahead of me.

I run, down recognizable streets and past houses and places that are still standing, that were unaffected by my absence and unchanged until I get to a familiar building. Shishou's dojo. It is still sinfully early but I burst into to dojo without removing my shoes, calling his name, my voice wrenching, until I open the sliding doors to the backyard and find him sitting on the deck as though waiting for me. I fall into his waiting arms like a child; sobbing and weeping as he holds me and speaks the words of comfort I had imagined him saying for so long.

I suspect that he knew I would run here before I saw them, and had been waiting for me here. He asks when I will return to see the rest of the family. Anger floods out of me.

"_Fuck _them! _Fuck all of them_! They're the ones who left me in there, aren't they? And they expect me to just come back like it was _nothing_?!" Another wracking sob tears through me and I shake my head violently, my voice cracking, feeling grief so acutely it burns my insides. "_They've_ never had to smell the sickness and insanity in the very air! _They've _never felt the walls closing in so tight that you're sure you'll die, but you know you won't because that would _just be too easy_!"

The sun is risen well into the sky before I calm down completely. He hasn't let me go the entire time, and I precariously untangle myself from his arms. He looks at me with his compassionate understanding, and the bond between us seems to throb.

"I can't fun away forever. Or even a day." I give one last shaky sigh. "I'm going to go back now."

Shishou dips his head. "I will be waiting here for whenever you need me. It is a father's duty to harbor his son but not to corral him. Please return when you want."

I jump off the deck and forget myself in the jarring of my running footsteps before his words can bring any visible emotion out of me.

* * *

I don't go back to the main house. I don't plan on returning there soon, if ever. That place holds nothing for me now. There was no reason why I needed or had to go back.

I run the familiar self-invented route back to Shigure' house. I slow to a trot as it comes into view. It looks…exactly the same. I wonder…who's home? Disappointment momentarily flashes through me as I remember that Tohru isn't here anymore. A smirk plays on my mouth. I wonder how messy it is in there?

I walk through the front door. Unlocked, just like always. I glance around the entrance hall and into the kitchen. To my great surprise it is only a little messy. Looks like Tohru really did have a lasting effect on Shigure.

"Kyo-kun?"

Shigure's voice rings out from the backyard. "Is that you?"

I follow the voice through the open door to find him. As always, sitting in his deck chair in that old plain kimono, a fan in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. We stare at each other for a few seconds. Did Shigure always look so…what was it? Old? No, he wasn't old, even by my standards. But somehow he seemed...worn.

I flinch and watch wearily as he stands up and walks over to me. I am taken aback when he embraces me, careful not to burn me with the ember of his cigarette. After a few uncertain seconds, I return the hug.

He sits down, closing his eyes and sighing, again seeming worn and tired. "I supposed firstly you want to know where Tohru-kun is."

I nod, taking the only other seat on the opposite side of the table.

"She's living in a single apartment in town. She has a full-time job, but somehow she still finds time to visit and clean up after this old man." He twinkles. I frown.

"Well…is she…-"

"Happy? God no. She was nothing when you were taken, and even less when she left. She's making her own way just fine, but her life was up heaved and I know she still hasn't gotten back into the normal groove of things. How could she though? After all the effort she had put into us we showed nothing for her trying."

"Does she know that…I'm here?"

"No. She doesn't even know about Akito. I was planning on telling her last to make it less stressful, but if you want her here now of course I have no objections."

I think about it for a few moments. "No, it's…it's better this way."

He takes a long drag and I watch the embers crawl upwards. He exhales. "What to tell you, what to tell you." He places the tips of his closed fan on the chairs armrest, holding it in place with his index finger, contemplating something. Finally he breaks his silence.

"The family was in an uproar after you were caged. Things happened, some of them you know about, like with Kagura, and some were things that you didn't see."

"Like what?"

"Like Yuki. He grew vicious and spiteful, even towards Tohru-kun. I thought maybe he was trying to replace you," the corners of his mouth twitch at his feeble attempt at humor. "His anger pervaded the house, so much so that it was unlivable for Tohru-kun and she moved out. Around this time I confronted him, but he said only one thing to me that wasn't malicious. Do you know what he told me? 'If letting Kyo die was the kind thing to do, then I must be one selfish bastard.' It was rather surprising to hear coming from his mouth, but I knew the pain was still close to his heart."

Shigure falls quiet as I try and comprehend everything just said. My heartbeat rises as different emotions flicker through me.

"He nearly died a few months ago."

My blood runs cold for a second as I take in his words. "…How do you mean?"

His eyes slide back to the fan balancing on the armrest.

"He got sick in the beginning of February after we had a few weeks of consistent rain," he says. I nod, remembering a time in the cage when the rain did not stop for a long, long time. They were cold weeks.

"He eventually had to move into the main house so Hatori could keep a constant watch over him, but…he wouldn't get better." My eyes widen in shock. At some point, Yuki had been staying in the main house, probably not a hundred meters from me.

"Meanwhile, Akito was having huge tantrums because he wanted Hatori to himself but didn't want to send Yuki to the hospital; as you can see things were piling up and I knew that something had to give.

"A short time later I visited Yuki at the main house, and I knew he was going to die. He barley spoke, and when he looked at you it seemed as though he were looking through a thousand clouds. He had become an empty shell of a person, and I tell you Kyo, I have seen many things, but never someone so hopeless and so dead as Yuki on that day. I knew he didn't have much time."

He pauses for a breath as I continue to listen to him intently, wanting his story to finish uninterrupted.

"After I went home that day I thought for a long, long time. And I came to the conclusion that there was only one problem, and therefore one solution. How could I stand back and watch as two of my family members-two of my _children_ even-were killed off because of one person's madness?" My breath hitches at his words and my throat becomes painful. "I wasn't going to let it happen. I couldn't. That my conscience would come to play in this tale, I had no idea. I burned with guilt, guilt that it took me _so long_ to feel guilty."

He shifts in his chair, his eyes becoming more pensive.

"At first my solution seemed out of the question. I didn't think I could do it. I knew that I would be hurt the most. But then I realized that the burden I would be receiving would be from someone else's shoulders. I could take away so much pain if I wanted to, and all this time I had been avoiding doing that because I was afraid to feel that pain. But when I looked into Yuki's eyes and realized that you both would die, even if at different times, I wanted nothing more than to take on that burden, even if it was for the rest of my life."

His words confuse me, and it must show on my face, because he answers my question.

"I helped Akito die. He had always been on the edge of death, always clinging to life by the tips of his fingers. Without me, he would have hung of his on until the very bitter end."

We don't say anything for a minute, until, "…how?"

He smiles then, that smile of his that was wan and bittersweet, but mysterious to the very end. "I helped him let go."

Another second passes as I don't question his methods. "Do you regret what you did?"

"No. I made the right decision. Even though the pain in the beginning was hard, knowing that I did the right thing helped me get through it."

"How did Yuki survive if Akito didn't die until a few days ago?"

"I told him of my plan soon after I had thought of it. He was the only other person that knew of my plan. I didn't know if he understood what I was saying completely at the time, but whatever I was saying gave him enough hope to get out of death's shadow, and eventually make a full recovery."

"What did you tell him?"

"That he would see Kyo soon."

I blink hard. And swallow.

"Thank you, Shigure."

* * *

At first I refused to see anyone in the family besides Yuki and Shigure for a couple of days, but in the end everyone's wants were placed ahead of mine and I saw them.

Firstly I was examined fully by Hatori, who now gave me a full report on my health and answered my short questions. I was by all means still angry; however I knew that my refusal to see them any longer would only waste my own time to get on with my own life.

Hatori packs away his medical equipment into a briefcase. "You are healthy enough," he says in his deep voice, "Albeit a bit malnutritioned. I'm sure you will make a complete recovery as long as you eat right and exercise; it's no cause for concern."

We both turn our heads sharply at loud sounds and voices suddenly emanating from the kitchen.

"I warn you Aaya, he may not be ready to see just everyone yet-"

"To hell with that! It's already been a year and I will not put off our sweet reunion any longer! I'm sure that he feels the same wa- _Kyonkichi_!!!!!"

Ayame steps through the threshold of the living room and flings himself at me, his voice reaching levels I thought impossible by humans. I grimace and turn my head away as he pins my arms to my side tightly in a deadly embrace.

"_Oh, how I've missed yo_u!!" he cries, "Oh, Kyon, you have no idea what this did to us!! How it broke my poor brothers heart, and in turn mine, to have you locked away!" He lets out a theatrical sob, which by all means could be real, seeing as how there are tears leaking out of his eyes.

"And to see what it did to Tohru-kun, oh, the _pain_!" he clutches at the material of his ridiculous getup in front of his heart. "The dissaray! The internal chaos! And all the while we knew that our anguish was nothing to be compared to your suffering! Oh, _Kyo_!" and he brakes into heaving sobs, holding onto me with one arm and petting the side of my face very fast with the other.

I look up at Hatori and Shigure who are standing watching me as if I am about to explode. Oh yes, they know I am still angry. But not now.

"It's okay, Ayame," I say, and he looks up at me with wet clumpy eyelashes, "Everything is okay now."

His eyes squint, and he merely exclaims, "_Oh_!!" and breaks into fresh wracking sobs. Thankfully Shigure and Hatori rescue me by each grabbing an arm and steering him into another chair. Shigure goes into the kitchen and comes back with a cup of steaming tea and a box of tissues.

"So," I say wearily, "where is Yuki? I haven't seen him since last night."

"He's over at dear Tohru-kun's," Ayame says thickly, "Explaining everything that's happened in the last few days."

"I need more explained too." I say. "Now that Akito's dead. What does that mean for us? Is the curse affected by this?"

Hatori shrugged, "If something was going to happen, it would have happened by now."

"But what about the family?"

"Well, the plan was always that Yuki would one day be head of the Sohma house," Ayame says, honking loudly into a tissue paper, "But as I'm sure you're aware, he will have nothing to do with it."

"Nor will anyone try and seize the power, not that they could." comments Shigure, "No one but Akito had that power over us, and I know as adults no one is going to bend to anyone else ever again. I'm guessing that though we will remain a close family, as I'm sure that we will, there are no longer rules regarding what we do with our lives. I do not think that the estate or the assets that go with it will be divided, as that would take much legal practice and probably cause a fair number of wars within the family. However, no one knows how such things will go about."

Just then, we hear the front door open, and we stop our talk to listen. Padded footsteps grow louder until Yuki appears in the doorway to the living room. He doesn't say anything, merely stares into my eyes and I am confused for a split second until he steps aside and I see the considerably shorter person who was standing behind him. The long chocolate locks are what come into my vision first, the soft hair framing the cream-colored skin of her face. Her eyes strike me as changed, almost alien. She looks different. Thinner. Almost as if there is something missing. But then her hand flies up to cover her mouth and that familiar motion of hers erases any doubt I have.

"Kyo…Kyo…kun…" She sounds so much older. So tired! Her eyes widen and she trembles from head to foot, staring at me with incredulity. Her knees buckle and she places her hands on the ground in front of her, breaking down as I have never seen her break down. I get up so fast my chair almost falls backwards. I make my way towards her and kneel as I get to her, that familiar feeling of unreality washing over me.

Her hands, her tiny hands with those wrists that I could break with two fingers reach up to me as I crouch, and with strength I didn't believe she had she pulls me to her and I transform. But this is what she wanted apparently, because she cradles me in her arms, wrapping herself completely around me as she sobs and tries to talk, getting my fur very wet. I smile to myself, a feeling of great contentment stealing over me as I realize I have been in this very position numerous times but always enjoyed it.

We stay like that for a number of minutes until Tohru excuses herself to wash her face and I transform back.

"I can see your butt!" I turn to glare at Shigure and Ayame, who giggle madly. Yuki makes a strange noise, and I wonder if he's a little jealous. The thought cheers me up.

"Sorry, it's just that now that all of us are back in this house together, I can't help but feel happiness explode out of me!" Shigure exclaims. He and Ayame squeal together, ignoring Yuki and Hatori with the ease that came from lots of practice ignoring those more mature than they.

* * *

I met with the rest of the zodiac slowly, taking it day by day. I saw the runts Hiro, Kisa and Momiji. All of them had gotten taller. They spoke quietly and unsurely at first, as if they were a little afraid. But then Hiro mouthed off and everything got a little familiar.

I saw Kagura next, and the reunion was more emotional for me than I thought it would be. I really did appreciate everything she went through for me, and her dedication to me. She promised she would never be far.

Who I looked forward most to was seeing Haru. He comes to the house one afternoon with Rin trailing behind him, her hair cut short. He looks much taller then I remember, and the very familiar feeling of being left behind flashes through me.

Haru embraces me without any anticipation. He doesn't let for about five minutes, but I just let him hold me for as long as he wants.

"It's been more then a year," he says. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

I agreed with him, but I couldn't say anything. He's let his hair grow about an inch longer, and it suites him. It seems as though he has more piercings, but for all I took notice of his piercings last year they could have already been there for a while. His dark eyes study me for a moment, and I realize that they are at the same level as mine. I must have grown over the past year, too.

"Is there anything you want to know?" he asks, "You know, about world issues that have happened in the past year. Or maybe you want to hear the latest celebrity gossip? I'm sure there's something that happened in the past year that will make you gasp."

I stare at him, a little dumbfounded, and raise my eyebrows. "_That's_ the first thing you say to me?"

"Gotta break the ice somehow," he pauses as Rin softly touches his arm and moves out of the room, closing the door behind her. I sit back down on my bed. "I mean, what the hell do you say after a year?"

"Why don't you give me a synopsis?" I ask casually, and he smirks at my tone, pulling my desk chair out and sitting on it backwards, his legs sticking out to the sides.

"The whole family went crazy while you were gone. I knew it would happen. Life is about balance. If one thing is taken away in the equation, the whole thing goes to shit."

"So I've heard," I say quietly. "But when Akito was taken out of this equation-"

"Akito is –was- a different story. He was the one polluting the balance in the first place. When he died, everything got better." He says this rather bluntly, and I know that he feels no remorse for Akito's dying. "You came back to us. It all worked out perfectly in the end. It always does."

"I didn't think it would end up like this. I thought I was going to be there for the rest of my life."

"I knew you wouldn't," he says, tilting his head and closing his eyes.

I snort derisively. "How did you _know_?"

"I just did. People get what they deserve. Akito deserved to die, just as you deserved to be set free. It's karma. It's the only thing in this world that makes any real sense."

"So, by way of karma, you're saying that I deserved to be in that shithole for more then a year."

"You're looking at it the wrong way. Being taken prisoner was the best thing that could have happened to you."

"Oh yeah?" A line appears between my brows.

"Yeah," he says, "Didn't being stuck in that place give you time to work this out yourself? Not only did being a prisoner provide you enough emotional scars to give yourself real character, it also made you a man. Knowing what was waiting for you in there must have been scary. But a specific mixture of circumstances, including future circumstances, caused you to fall in love. Not just the everyday love. The real, real love they talk about."

His eyes slide over to me, the same bland, bored look on his face.

"So, even though you might have been truly punished, wasn't it worth it?

* * *

My fingers graze his skin, even softer, more cold-burning than I remember it. Anxiety tickles my ribs, and I withdraw my hand uncertainly.

"Yuki…I…this might be…well…" He stares at me, patiently waiting for me to conclude, "awkward for me," I finish lamely. I hadn't had anyone's touch in over a year, except for Akito's beatings and Hatori's healings. A lover's touch would be so different and unfamiliar, and I was afraid of how I would respond to him.

But the meaningless blur of words run like ink and charcoal on wet canvas, dissolving in incoherence as Yuki's kiss takes prevalence over everything else, sending a warm shiver down my spine. His lips are all I can feel, scorching my own with feverish passion, mouthing wordless desire. A whimper trembles out of my throat, catching as the smooth warm wetness of his mouth covers my own.

My second whimper brings about a change in me as I wrap my self as close as possible to him, deepening the kiss. That feeling that I had stifled for so long now pulsates within me, circulating my whole body and making me ache with a longing so powerful it threatens to overwhelm me.

"_Yuki…"_

He smiles, dragging his fingers through my hair as he plants open-mouthed kisses down my neck lovingly, his hands falling down the sides of my face to my shoulders and down my arms until they reached the hem of my pants. Clothes are removed quickly and dropped carelessly onto the floor as we reattach to each other, skin running against skin.

The bed cushions our fall as we land parallel to it, the creaking of mattress springs unnoticed. I am underneath him but flip myself to the top, touching every inch of his soft skin, kissing madly.

I grasp the slim hips and pull him towards me, and suddenly I'm inside him, and he closes his eyes and gasps and then opens them again and stares at me with burning intensity. Soft noises coming from his throat fill my ears, setting my blood boiling.

"Yuki," I gasp, holding the back of his skull, my lips wetly grazing his ear, "it feels amazing…" He turns my face to kiss him again, and suddenly love bubbles up inside me and I close my eyes, meting into the kiss and into him. It was tender but not gentle, sweat running down between our two bodies as we tightly grasp each other and thrust; the act serving only to bind us closer together each time until the flame of Yuki's spirit was a bright spark of warmth illuminating the shriveled organ that I called a heart, opening me slowly to life again in the wash of bluff emotion.

Feelings clash while our hearts mix. I can feel your pain. I can feel your anger. I can feel your fear. I can feel you. Touching, sucking, licking, I can feel you. Do you feel me? The light of the moon disappears. We are alone now. I want to know the answers, to unlock your doors, to explore you. I'm getting there. I can feel it. I can feel you.

There is no distance between us now. No walls. Fire spills unchecked through me, hot and wild, pouring into the man in my arms. Spasms of pleasure wrack my body as I give my final thrusts, as my throat works and lights flash before my eyes. I collapse across him, still grasping at his slippery body with my hands as my lungs work furiously. I can feel his shivers too as my body comes down and my heart slows, and I start to concentrate on the warmth of the flesh beneath me.

I push his damp silver bangs out of his eyes, smoothing his hair against his head. Our breath intermingles as we look into each other's eyes, then simultaneously move forward to kiss. This causes our noses to gently bump, and we both giggle. Suddenly, the corners of his lips curve upward, and a softness comes into his eyes as he strokes the side of my head. That smile. That soft, gentle smile that I had seen and envied for so long, is finally for me.

* * *

It took several weeks for me to get back in the normal groove of things, being able to function with the life of a normal person. For the first few weeks, I had convinced myself that my time in the cage had really caused me to lose my mind. I actually considered going to a therapist, but Yuki stepped up and was all the shrink I needed.

He would be attending the local four-year college in September next month. It turns out he had taken a year off from college, something the family was very opposed to, but he did it anyway. "I would have failed out and that would have been worse," he had said, smiling. He would be studying botany.

I made the unaccompanied decision to also enroll there. At first I struggled with indecision about my future, because it was hard to think of what I wanted to do. I had thought my only prospect was the cage and I couldn't see past it. While everyone else had spent years planning out their lives, I took a month to both recuperate and make a choice.

I don't know what life has in store for me. I can't see that far into the future; but who honestly can? No matter how many years you have planned out ahead of you, the future whether it be a few seconds or many years is as black and uncertain as the night sky. I thought that I knew my future, but I was given a second chance. I was given the people whom I love very much. I would not change a thing in my life, because every past circumstance, no matter how unpleasant, got me to this exact point. I was brought here and made to be who I am, so I am grateful even towards the bad things. Without them, I would not be where I am right now.

"Yuki?"

"We should go now, or we might be late. I don't want to make Tohru wait by herself."

He smiles and brushes the dirt from his knees, taking off his gloves and putting them in his pocket. He stands and surveys his garden, which had grown to twice its original size. The oak trees surrounding the little glade make soft rustling noises as the wind blows through them, the branches full of thick emerald leaves in the height of summer.

"Yes. Let's go." I take a hold of his hand, and together we walk along that well-worn green path back to the house.

_えない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び聞こ_

Ashes**-The End-**Ashes

_聞こえない叫び__**聞こえない叫び**__聞こえない叫び_


End file.
